Golden Age Review: Wonder Woman #25 Pt. II

[Joanna]

I posted this in General, but in case you don't go there, this is really more at home here.. This is the second story from the 1947 issue of Wonder Woman #25 (Remember, the first story was about the Korn People). If you can't find or afford a copy, you can get the gist of it right here in this Golden Age Review!

 

 

Wonder Woman #25 (Part Two)

 

Jsandsmark

 

No Golden Age Review would be complete without a review of the ads and features in the comic. Of course, it wouldn't be complete without completing it either, but I'm hoping you'll overlook the fact that I've yet to complete a complete review of 1947's WONDER WOMAN #25 and in fact you're only getting a small chunk of the complete book in this incomplete review, i.e. story #2 and a bunch of ads and stuff. But the complete story #2, the complete ads, and the complete, um, stuff, so there. Have I made a complete insufficiently_thoughtful_person of myself yet? Not yet? Must... work... harder...

 

But first... for all of you who are wondering why I'm starting in the middle of a comic, please hearken back to the fact that I've already posted the first part of the review of WONDER WOMAN #25. If you can't find it, ask me and I'll give you several meaningless clues as to where to search (such as "near the marsh, but not the glen, you'll find reviews 'neath a big red hen") and eventually, I'll just tell you in plain English. After I've toyed with you for a bit. (insert evil laugher here).

 

Eddie Stanky, pass master of the National league and a valued member of the Brooklyn Dodgers, really likes Wheaties. It's the breakfast of champions (with milk and fruit).

 

U.S. Royal (with his jet-propelled bike) knows how to catch a bandit. How, you ask? By using U.S. Royal bike tires with the built-in skid chain and the boys of the Elm City bike club. Yup, ole U.S. would never track down a dangerous jewel thief without a bunch of pre-teen boys on bikes to draw enemy fire.

 

This month's "Wonder Woman of History" is one of my favorites. Dolly Madison. Yum, but she makes great snack cakes, doncha think? Let's find out how she invented all those cupcakes and sugary chocolatey treats. "In the trying days of our young republic, there appeared a woman who brought a fresh (mmmm... fresh... cakes...), bright personality into the life of our national affairs. Dolly Madison was content to discharge her social duties, to make her husband's home the shrine of contemporary society -- and in these respects she had no equal in her day."

 

Hmmm... nothing about snack cakes. Must read on.

 

The first panel shows us a chunky little girl (I'm saying her love for snack cakes started waaaay back when, ya think?) walking down the street with a hankie over her face.

 

Little Dolly wearing her scarf

 

Why? hee hee. Because "She has such a lovely complexion, her parents permit her to preserve it from the sun by wearing a linen mask. (Although I'm sure it reminds you of Michael Jackson, it reminds me of a story. Truth is, I never had a problem with my complexion, even in my teen years. The mother of a girl who had more than her share of face invaders, asked me my secret. Without guilt, I replied, "I never wash my face and eat plenty of chocolate." Yeah, cruel, but hey, I was a spitfire in my day. With good skin, no thanks to me. Ahem. Back to Dolly. Aaaaand how do we greet Mrs. Madison? What else: "Hello, Dolly." Just wanted to get that out of the way.)

 

Dolly Paine's family moved to Philadelphia when she was fifteen. Why? Because it's "the most fashionable, the most extravagant and most orderly city in the country." (The three musts of any city, I guess). When she was 22, her dad told her he wanted her to marry John Todd. "I don't love him, Father, but if that is your wish, I'll do it," she replied. (get her psychiatric help now, Dad. She seems destined to O.D. on snack cakes cuz of a loveless marriage!) "It was this ability to accept whatever fate might offer and make the best of it, always in complete serenity of spirit, that marked Dolly's temperament throughout life." I just realized this Dolly thing is taking up a lot of space. Let's skip along, shall we?

 

Todd dies. James Madison scopes her, and likes what he sees. They marry. She throws a buncha great parties. Big Jim wants to retire from politics, but Dolly pushes him back cuz she's hooked on partying, like a drug, like a chocohalic snack-cake-loving addict -- only she claims it's cuz he's so darn good for the country. Pres. Jefferson chooses Dolly to receive folks at the white house, cuz he's a widower and needs a chick to do that sort of thing. She agrees. Soon Jefferson is out and Madison gets elected. Dolly is now queen of the country and still throwing a helluva party.

 

Years of gaiety follow (it said that in the story. Wasn't me). Boom! War of 1812 (doesn't tell when that war happened, though). Dolly throws a party. Lotsa fireworks -- wait, that's no party. It's the war! She flees Washington as it burns, taking the government's important papers in her needlework bag. A hurricane beats back the British. (Yay for the weather!) The cowardly politicians come back triumphantly. 1815 - peace. Dolly and Jimbo finish the term and retire to throw parties for important people. 1831- the Jimster dies and congress gives Dolly a seat on the floor of the House of Representatives for life. The end.

 

Not one blasted word about snack cakes!!!!

 

Despite this, the story STILL managed to make me hungry so... think I'll go buy some Kellogg's shredded wheat cuz they got hot iron transfers of Andy Gump (he doesn't look anything like a port-a-potty in this picture) and Harold Teen! Neato.

 

Hey look! There's even a Wonder Woman story in this comic!!! Betcha forgot all about it, eh?

 

"T.Z.Y. is the most mischievous, reckless, lovable young redhead who ever deserved the nick-name TEASY! You'll love this kid (betcha I won't. Heart of stone, that's me. I defy you to make me love the lil brat), but you'll hold your breath at the terrible scrapes he gets himself into. You'll thrill too, as you watch WONDER WOMAN battling the lovely but terrible 'Yellow-Mask' Gang leader in this episode called, 'WHO'LL ADOPT TEASY?'"

 

The splash page shows Wonder Woman holding a notarized document in one hand and with the other she's holding the hair of a gypsy-looking woman and using said hair to throw her to the ground. In the background, a blonde is tied to a post. And we can see broken chains hanging off Wonder Woman's bracelets. Step right up, boys and girls, I smell bondage!

 

"At 'Suburban County Orphanage' young Thomas Zenophan Yerxes, better known as TEASY, (T.Z.Y.) points excitedly to a mud-puddle." (memorize that full name -- you never know when it's going to come up in a trivia quiz -- and I hate this kid already). Teasy urges his playmates to look into the mud puddle. And the doofuses do. "What's in this puddle?" asks one intellectually challenged orphan. Teasy jumps in the puddle and informs them there's mud in it. ha ha. (rotten rotten kid) Right then, Mrs. Grimfall, the matron, calls the boys to come and greet the visitors -- prospective parents. Oh no! They're all covered with mud! Teasy fesses up immediately, upset that his little prank has caused harm. Awwww. (shucks, I love this kid...)

 

Just as Mrs. Grimfall is scolding Teasy, telling him no one will ever want to adopt him, Wonder Woman shows up with a blonde who is looking to adopt a boy. It's "Mrs. Alton Dearfield, wife of the famous atomic scientist -- she's looking to adopt a boy," says Wondy. (didja think I'd lie about that?) Mrs. D is immediately drawn to Teasy, but he warns her that he's "foolish and bad" and "nobody'll adopt me. I gotta play straight with yer!"

 

Teasy crying like Bug in a Water Cooler thread (couldn't resist, Bug)

 

Mrs. Grimfall chimes in, basically saying he isn't a bad kid, just troublesome. Wonder Woman opines that Teasy's frankness and honesty means a lot. (C'mon, Mrs. D -- adopt him! Ya gotta LOVE this kid!)

 

Soon, the room is filled with well-dressed ladies, all choosing boys to adopt (no girls here. Wonder why? Only boys are orphaned? pshaw.) Teasy sits alone crying, knowing no one will adopt him (yeah, right). Meanwhile, Wonder Woman urges Mrs. Dearfield to adopt Teasy. Mrs. D agrees, but is afraid Teasy doesn't like her. She asks Teasy if he'd like to be her little boy, but he tells her stop kiddin' him. She sadly observes that he must not like her. Teasy leaps into her arms, professing his love.

 

Awwww, ain't this just too precious for words? I mean, I'm holding my breath at all the terrible scrapes he gets in, but I love this kid!

 

So Mrs. D gets Teasy on a trial basis. She can give him back if her husband and she don't like him (sorta like when you order stuff from an infomercial -- there's always a return clause. 1-800-ORPHANS. I saw it last night on cable. Not TOO rough on the hearts of the kids.) Wonder Woman realizes that she's supposed to be at Dr. Dearfield's lab as Diana Prince and makes her excuses.

 

Mrs. D introduces Teasy to her handsome husband, as well as Lt. Diana Prince and Dr. D's lab assistant, Mr. Mal Stone (Mr. Sick Rock? Gallstone? Millstone? Argh! I'm not getting the name pun here, something has gone terribly terribly wrong! The doctors warned me that the disfiguring injury to my funny bone awhile back would have unseen consequences!) Mal Stone says, "A redheaded 'Teasy' -- --". (So what the heck does that mean? Could Mr. Mal Stone be... a bad guy??? With a lovely name like that? Mal Stone -- Bad Rock? Wrong Rock? Rock Hudson? Hudson Valley? Valley Forge? Knock on any Norge? Norgee and Bess? Pepto-Bess-mol? Mal Stone?)

 

Doc D tells his wife he's succeeded in perfecting the atom-neutralizing formula and tells her to put it in the safe at home. Diana immediately sees the military implications and insists the army safeguard it, but Doc D says it'll be safe at home cuz crooks would NEVER think to look there. Mr. Wrong Rock stands in the background looking suspicious. Myrna Dearfield walks home with Teasy and never notices a suspicious character hiding behind the tree. Nor does she see a furtive figure watching her through the window as she puts it in the safe, though the furtive figures bears a striking resemblance to the suspicious character. Teasy, however, brags that he could open the safe because he saw the numbers she dialed. Myrna warns him not to touch it (boy oh boy -- where could this story be going? Such a mystery).

 

Time passes and Teasy, though still mischievous, has wiggled his way into his new parents' hearts. Next week, they get to adopt him. Teasy is all aquiver. He decides to celebrate by burning down their house. Well... that wasn't exactly his plan. He wanted to make fireworks, like the fourth of July, so he lights some newspapers on fire to make torches and runs from room to room "doing a war dance". The safe, we notice, is strangely open and its papers have fallen to the floor. (The suspense here is amazing. There is just no way to foresee what's going to happen.)

 

Suddenly the paper torch burns low and Teasy drops it -- right onto the stack of papers!!! (D'oh! Is my face red! Who knew the torch would fall into those papers, huh?) He tries to put it out, but the fire only grows. He calls for his mom, but by now the fire is out of control.

 

An unexpected plot twist

 

Myrna gets on the phone immediately to call -- Diana Prince! (what's that, you say? She could have called the fire department? Whattaya nuts? ALWAYS call military intelligence when the house is on fire. Duh.) Myrna begs Diana to find Wonder Woman, for only the double W could possibly save the house in time to rescue the formula. "Before Myrna can hang up the phone, Diana transforms herself to Wonder Woman and --" puts out the fire with "her tremendous Amazon lung power." (NOT to be confused with Superman's super-breath. They're two different things. Not at all similar. Except for them both being, y'know, strong blowy breath powers.)

 

Myrna inspects the safe and, because she can't find the formula, assumes it was burned. But Wonder Woman, smart cookie that she is, figures that whoever opened the safe took it, as she can find no charred fragments. Steve Trevor and his men show up to investigate. Myrna, knowing she hadn't opened the safe, immediately fingers Teasy (such loyalty). Steve questions the young carrot top but he claims that all he did was burn up everything, not open the safe. Wonder Woman stands by Teasy, claiming he always tells the truth, so Steve assumes it had to have been Myrna who opened it.

 

Steve accuses Myrna, but before she can speak, Wonder Woman says, "Wait, Steve -- the 'Yellow-Mask' gang of international racketeers (or the YMGoIR, as we like to call'em) are after this anti-atomic formula -- maybe THEY did this! Myrna, will you take a LIE DETECTOR TEST?" (interesting, isn't it, that Wonder Woman chooses a lie detector test as opposed to her lasso. Think Marston was trying to publicize his little invention here? Saying it was equal to the golden lasso?) Myrna agrees to take the test, but wants to change clothes first (obviously she couldn't tell the truth in her current outfit).

 

Time passes and no Myrna. The army dudes assume she's taken a powder, but Wonder Woman believes in her still. However, she discover that both Myrna and Teasy are gone! "She's escaped," says Steve, "and she took the kid with her!" His assistant says, "I'll issue Dragnet orders, Sir!" (Hello, operator? I'd like to order a rerun of episode 37, "Joe and Bill are in Bunko" -- you know, the one where Joe wears that blue suit and asks the lady for 'just the facts, ma'am'?")

 

Ah, but now we see what really happened! When Myrna went to change her clothes, some men wearing ... gulp... yellow masks(!) grabbed her. They tie her up, gag her and put her in their car. At their deadquarters (hee hee -- that was a typo I actually made and I decided to leave it because, really, is that a typo or what?) Myrna is blindfolded and introduced to the big boss: A beautiful, raven-haired seductress, who uses a cigarette holder, has large hoop earrings, a snazzy red sash around her waist and speaks with an accent. "Hm -- zee por laydee eez frighten -- I weel talk weeth her. Breeng us tea," says the boss. (The accent is supposed to be Spanish, I guess, because she calls Myrna, "Senora") Bosslady apologizes for keeping Myrna bound, but offers to serve her the tea personally. We can see Bosslady slipping something into the brew and Myrna feels the effects immediately.

 

Move along, folks, nothing suspicious here

 

"Ha!" says bosslady. "I geev her zee drug we use on preesoners of war to make zem talk. Put her in zee BLACK ROOM." Bosslady will question Myrna and then they'll silence her -- for keeps!

 

The Boss and the yellow mask men, doing nefarious things.

 

Meanwhile, let's catch up to that spunky orphan, Teasy. He decides, after seeing what a problem his fire caused, to beat himself up. So he socks himself on the jaw (I'm not making this up). Not wanting to return to the orphanage, he decides to run away. However, he happens to see his mom being kidnapped, so he grabs the rear bumper. "The car roared away with the game little Teasy impersonating the tail of a comet."

 

A street-surfing TZ years before skateboards had been invented

 

He manages to hang on with one hand, despite the pain in his shoulder until something in it snaps, and he drops the bumper. Luckily, it was at the top of a hill, so he can see the car reach its destination. "By Jiminy Jumpers" he exclaims.

 

"Meanwhile, Wonder Woman, using her Amazon woodcraft, finds a clue." (Amazon woodcraft? Is that on her list of superpowers? Wow. Captain Marvel doesn't have a single letter that stands for woodcraft. This PROVES she's got it all over him). She follows the car's tracks until she runs into Teasy. He shows Wonder Woman where they've taken his mom and bravely tells her to ignore his injuries and save Myrna. She races to the farmhouse but, when she grasps the doorknob, is shocked into paralysis by electric current.

 

Doesn't it seem a bit exreme to electrify the doorknob? Man, that boss lady is evil.

 

Unconscious, she is chained by the bosslady (whose name, we now find out, is Tirza).

 

Go back to your Batmans, Dr. Wertham, there's nothing sexual going on here. Just some girl on girl bondage, that's it. Harmless fun.

 

She's taken to the black room, where Myrna points out that their ankles are wired for electrocution! "Oh-h -- if MEN chained my bracelets -- I'm helpless!" cries Wonder Woman.

 

Two chained women, hooked up to electrodes. Still kid's stuff, Wertham!

 

Meanwhile, Tirza interrogates Mr. Mal Stone and accuses him of having the formula. He admits it. Menacingly, she says, "Zis knife ees my favoreet persuadair! You weel tell where zee formula ees or --" "I -- I'll TELL! (what a "rock", huh?) It's in my sh-shoe--" quickly interrupts the cowardly Mal. (In his shoe? His SHOE? I can see why this villain was so easily "defeated.") (The management would like to apologize for that last pun. It seems Joanna had a horrible, disfiguring accident to her funny bone, and well, you can see the result. Tragic, huh?)

 

There's no panel of his shoe, so this will have to do.

 

Tirza goes to the black room (whose walls, by the way, are light blue. go figure) and decides to pull the switch on Wonder Woman and Myrna. She tells Wondy that there's no use pulling at the chains, as she welded them herself. "You DID!" shouts Wonder Woman. "Then a WOMAN chained me -- I HAVEN'T lost my strength!" (You'd think she would have at least TRIED to break free earlier -- on the off chance a woman had chained her -- wouldn't ya? Guess the wisdom of Athena comes and goes.)

 

Bursting free, Wonder Woman grabs the formula and Tirza's hair, then flips the woman to the ground. Game, set and match!

 

Wonder Woman shows Boss Lady who's boss!

 

Meanwhile, Teasy has led Steve and his army guys to the farmhouse. "You're the gamest kid I ever met, Teasy!" says Stevie. The Dearfield family is reunited and a grateful Teasy thanks Wonder Woman for saving his mom. "Now I'm adopted!" he says as he stands between his loving parents. "YOU saved (your mom) and the formula, Teasy," says Wonder Woman, then admonishes the lad not to start anything until his arm heals.

 

Awww.

 

Now that you've read along with me, I betcha you're just aching to know what the third story in this comic is about, huh?

 

Two words: Purple Priestess!!!!!

 

There's only one thing you can do to find out what is in store for Wonder Woman from the Purple Priestess: tell the author of this golden age review that you want, nae MUST have more! Oh, and, um, why not throw in a comment or two about what you thought of Teasy's little adventure, too. I mean, as long as you're writing a note and all. Okee-doke?

 

-- Joanna

 

[FlyingDonut]

You know, you ought to try to write for a living. For a girl from Wisconsin, you're pretty good.

 

Are you taking requests? If I send you a cheesy Golden Age comic can you dissect it?

[Joanna]

Do I get to keep the cheesy GA comic? Because I work for comics.

 

-- Joanna

[PovertyRow]

Now Joanna! Stop Teasing us and give us more! More!

 

(PS - this was a great one!)

[Joanna]

I like it with the pictures. That really adds a neato dimension that just text doesn't give you.

[FlyingDonut]

PM me with an address. I'll send a couple of the cheesiest! Millie! Patsy! Wilbur!

[PovertyRow]

I like it with the pictures.

 

But of course! We all do! We are comic book people - comicees - panelologists?

 

Yeah, the pictures really do add a lot!