The 15 Dumbest Superhero Retcons Of All Time

[Comicopolis]

Wolverine

Wolverine's entire history is just one crappy retcon piled on top of another. How's this for a start? Wolverine was originally meant to be an actual wolverine, who had been turned into a human by the high evolutionary, and his claws were part of his gloves. Then the claws became implants created by Weapon X, and he was a mutant. Then he was meant to be Sabertooth's son. Then it turns out he'd had bone claws all along, and they were just covered up with metal. Recently, however, things have started getting even weirder for Logan.

 

It turns out Wolverine now isn't a mutant, but rather a Lupine, a human looking species that evolved in parallel to humans but from wolves, not apes. And there are two tribes: one with blond hair, the other with dark hair, and they hate each other which is why Sabertooth hates Wolverine so much. They're not the only two, either other Lupine's include Wolfsbane, Feral, Wild Child and Thornn. So pretty much ever feral mutant isn't actually a mutant, but a wolf person. They're all being manipulated by an almost immortal elder Lupine called Romulus.

 

Wolverine's healing factor has also suffered from major power creep over the years, expanding from "he can heal faster than most", to "was left as a skeleton after a major explosion, and healed completely within seconds." So to de-power him slightly, a retcon established that every time he dies, Wolverine has to fight the spirit of death to return to the living. Since WWI, he has been in constant combat with a being known as Lazaer (the worst anagram since Alucard), and his soul cannot return to his body unless he defeats Lazaer in limbo, each time. After some jiggerypokery with the resurrected version Shingen, Lazaer and Wolverine ended their constant battle so if Wolverine dies again, it's for real.

 

Personally, the Weapon X origin is the best one. this other mess is just that.

 

You can thank Jeph Loeb for the whole Lupine thing

 

That explains everything

[gaz973]

Wolverine

Wolverine's entire history is just one crappy retcon piled on top of another. How's this for a start? Wolverine was originally meant to be an actual wolverine, who had been turned into a human by the high evolutionary, and his claws were part of his gloves. Then the claws became implants created by Weapon X, and he was a mutant. Then he was meant to be Sabertooth's son. Then it turns out he'd had bone claws all along, and they were just covered up with metal. Recently, however, things have started getting even weirder for Logan.

 

It turns out Wolverine now isn't a mutant, but rather a Lupine, a human looking species that evolved in parallel to humans but from wolves, not apes. And there are two tribes: one with blond hair, the other with dark hair, and they hate each other which is why Sabertooth hates Wolverine so much. They're not the only two, either other Lupine's include Wolfsbane, Feral, Wild Child and Thornn. So pretty much ever feral mutant isn't actually a mutant, but a wolf person. They're all being manipulated by an almost immortal elder Lupine called Romulus.

 

Wolverine's healing factor has also suffered from major power creep over the years, expanding from "he can heal faster than most", to "was left as a skeleton after a major explosion, and healed completely within seconds." So to de-power him slightly, a retcon established that every time he dies, Wolverine has to fight the spirit of death to return to the living. Since WWI, he has been in constant combat with a being known as Lazaer (the worst anagram since Alucard), and his soul cannot return to his body unless he defeats Lazaer in limbo, each time. After some jiggerypokery with the resurrected version Shingen, Lazaer and Wolverine ended their constant battle so if Wolverine dies again, it's for real.

 

Personally, the Weapon X origin is the best one. this other mess is just that.

 

You can thank Jeph Loeb for the whole Lupine thing

 

That explains everything

 

Yep, Wolverine suffered from a typical Loeb bollockfest.

[Marvelfangirl]

Wolverine

Wolverine's entire history is just one crappy retcon piled on top of another. How's this for a start? Wolverine was originally meant to be an actual wolverine, who had been turned into a human by the high evolutionary, and his claws were part of his gloves. Then the claws became implants created by Weapon X, and he was a mutant. Then he was meant to be Sabertooth's son. Then it turns out he'd had bone claws all along, and they were just covered up with metal. Recently, however, things have started getting even weirder for Logan.

 

It turns out Wolverine now isn't a mutant, but rather a Lupine, a human looking species that evolved in parallel to humans but from wolves, not apes. And there are two tribes: one with blond hair, the other with dark hair, and they hate each other which is why Sabertooth hates Wolverine so much. They're not the only two, either other Lupine's include Wolfsbane, Feral, Wild Child and Thornn. So pretty much ever feral mutant isn't actually a mutant, but a wolf person. They're all being manipulated by an almost immortal elder Lupine called Romulus.

 

Wolverine's healing factor has also suffered from major power creep over the years, expanding from "he can heal faster than most", to "was left as a skeleton after a major explosion, and healed completely within seconds." So to de-power him slightly, a retcon established that every time he dies, Wolverine has to fight the spirit of death to return to the living. Since WWI, he has been in constant combat with a being known as Lazaer (the worst anagram since Alucard), and his soul cannot return to his body unless he defeats Lazaer in limbo, each time. After some jiggerypokery with the resurrected version Shingen, Lazaer and Wolverine ended their constant battle so if Wolverine dies again, it's for real.

 

Personally, the Weapon X origin is the best one. this other mess is just that.

 

You can thank Jeph Loeb for the whole Lupine thing

 

That explains everything

 

Yep, Wolverine suffered from a typical Loeb bollockfest.

Thanks a lot Jeph Loeb for ruining my favorite X-Man

[Sal]

seems like Jeph Loeb ruins everything he touches

[Marvelfangirl]

seems like Jeph Loeb ruins everything he touches

I've noice that too hm

[Comicopolis]

Loebotomy.

[HULKTOM]

I agree with the "Loebotomy" The current Red Hulk storyline series is driving my crazy. Issue 600 the worse. You're telling me the Red Hulk was able to get rid of the Green Hulk and essentially cure Banner by simply giving him a hug? When we finally find out who the Rulk is, I'm guessing it's going to be pretty anticlimatic. I am really hoping Greg Pak can save this series.

[joe_collector]

Man, am I glad I don't buy Moderns anymore.

[COI]

Comics are stupid.

[Ares]

Man, am I glad I don't buy Moderns anymore.

 

[Mr 9.8]

I agree with the "Loebotomy" The current Red Hulk storyline series is driving my crazy. Issue 600 the worse. You're telling me the Red Hulk was able to get rid of the Green Hulk and essentially cure Banner by simply giving him a hug? When we finally find out who the Rulk is, I'm guessing it's going to be pretty anticlimatic. I am really hoping Greg Pak can save this series.

I can only guess what the ''former'' house of idea's will do to ''MARVEL''man.

[Green]

I agree with the "Loebotomy" The current Red Hulk storyline series is driving my crazy. Issue 600 the worse. You're telling me the Red Hulk was able to get rid of the Green Hulk and essentially cure Banner by simply giving him a hug? When we finally find out who the Rulk is, I'm guessing it's going to be pretty anticlimatic. I am really hoping Greg Pak can save this series.

I almost feel guilty to say that i currently do not subscribe to hulk any more. It was so good for so long and now its sooooo bad. Everytime the word rulk is said or typed i die a little inside.

[Artboy99]

I agree with the "Loebotomy" The current Red Hulk storyline series is driving my crazy. Issue 600 the worse. You're telling me the Red Hulk was able to get rid of the Green Hulk and essentially cure Banner by simply giving him a hug? When we finally find out who the Rulk is, I'm guessing it's going to be pretty anticlimatic. I am really hoping Greg Pak can save this series.

I almost feel guilty to say that i currently do not subscribe to hulk any more. It was so good for so long and now its sooooo bad. Everytime the word rulk is said or typed i die a little inside.

 

Kinda sad how the Hulk title can go from such an amazing high in Planet Hulk, to where it is now.

Planet Hulk is very argueably the best Hulk story ever written.

 

sign me:

Someone who owns every hulk book there is.

[Unca Ben]

Stupidity like all of that is part of why I don't read modern superhero comics anymore.

 

The Sue Dibny rape is particularly perplexing and disturbing. Why does that have to be in any comic book? What posesses a creator to actually want to put that mess in a comic book?

Didn’t you know that comics are written for a more mature and sophisticated audience now?

God, I miss being a kid.

 

[slym2none]

Man, am I glad I don't buy Moderns anymore.

 

+1

 

 

 

-slym

[chrisco37]

seems like Jeph Loeb ruins everything he touches

 

So weird that's the case.

 

He's written some of the most enjoyable arcs in the past 10-15 years (Long Halloween, Dark Victory, Superman for All Seasons, Batman/Superman, etc...).

 

Seemed like he really took a downturn with Ultimates 3 and his last arc Bats/Supes (which was just too confusing to follow).

 

What happened? Too much time with TV projects???

[selegue]

I agree with the "Loebotomy" The current Red Hulk storyline series is driving my crazy. Issue 600 the worse. You're telling me the Red Hulk was able to get rid of the Green Hulk and essentially cure Banner by simply giving him a hug? When we finally find out who the Rulk is, I'm guessing it's going to be pretty anticlimatic. I am really hoping Greg Pak can save this series.

I almost feel guilty to say that i currently do not subscribe to hulk any more. It was so good for so long and now its sooooo bad. Everytime the word rulk is said or typed i die a little inside.

 

"Rulk" -- HAW! Is that for real?

 

Sounds like the Jetsons' dog, Astro, has been signed on as a Marvel narrator.

 

Will Hulk colors end up like kryptonite colors? Can Jewel Hulk be far behind?

 

Rack -- uh, Jack

 

[Sal]

I agree with the "Loebotomy" The current Red Hulk storyline series is driving my crazy. Issue 600 the worse. You're telling me the Red Hulk was able to get rid of the Green Hulk and essentially cure Banner by simply giving him a hug? When we finally find out who the Rulk is, I'm guessing it's going to be pretty anticlimatic. I am really hoping Greg Pak can save this series.

I almost feel guilty to say that i currently do not subscribe to hulk any more. It was so good for so long and now its sooooo bad. Everytime the word rulk is said or typed i die a little inside.

 

"Rulk" -- HAW! Is that for real?

 

Sounds like the Jetsons' dog, Astro, has been signed on as a Marvel narrator.

 

Will Hulk colors end up like kryptonite colors? Can Jewel Hulk be far behind?

 

Rack -- uh, Jack

 

oh, i like this concept. what can we do with it?

 

Purple Hulk - Pulk

Yellow Hulk - Yulk

Orange Hulk - Oulk

White Hulk - Wulk

Black Hulk - Bulk

Cyan Hulk - Culk

Blue Hulk - Bulk. Er. Blulk?

Prismatic Hulk - Prisulk.

 

Prisulk in the hizzulk, y'all

[Ares]

I agree with the "Loebotomy" The current Red Hulk storyline series is driving my crazy. Issue 600 the worse. You're telling me the Red Hulk was able to get rid of the Green Hulk and essentially cure Banner by simply giving him a hug? When we finally find out who the Rulk is, I'm guessing it's going to be pretty anticlimatic. I am really hoping Greg Pak can save this series.

I almost feel guilty to say that i currently do not subscribe to hulk any more. It was so good for so long and now its sooooo bad. Everytime the word rulk is said or typed i die a little inside.

 

"Rulk" -- HAW! Is that for real?

 

Sounds like the Jetsons' dog, Astro, has been signed on as a Marvel narrator.

 

Will Hulk colors end up like kryptonite colors? Can Jewel Hulk be far behind?

 

Rack -- uh, Jack

 

oh, i like this concept. what can we do with it?

 

Purple Hulk - Pulk

Yellow Hulk - Yulk

Orange Hulk - Oulk

White Hulk - Wulk

Black Hulk - Bulk

Cyan Hulk - Culk

Blue Hulk - Bulk. Er. Blulk?

Prismatic Hulk - Prisulk.

 

Prisulk in the hizzulk, y'all

 

Thats Fabulous

[crimson dynamo]

I would like to thank a visionary like the supreme tinkerer Joe Quzeda for such great storylines as Capt America's Truth and all the other trash he has given the green light on. It seems like continuity and original concepts are a thing of the past. Marvel seems to shoot for media attention any way they can get it. A great example is the Grey Goblin and that One more day storyline. It is hard to see any future generations getting the same excitement that Marvel used to generate during the 70's and 80's. It took one back issue of X-men to get me to become serious collector and it took a constant flow of garbage from the last 13 years to have me stop buying any modern issue's altogether.