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Dead parrots - This thread is no more. It has ceased to be.

Started by Flex Mentallo,

55 posts in this topic

lizards2

lizards2

Posted
Posted
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

 

Cat-powered antigravity was invented years back by Alan Moore’s Jack B. Quick in ABC Comics Tomorrow Stories. A great story about attaching toast butter side-up onto the backs of cats. :thumbsup:

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Flex Mentallo

Flex Mentallo

Posted
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I'm waiting for the scene in the cheese shop...

 

Bugger - I was saving this for a listing of Cheese Comics #1 in Mint plus - but the cat pee'd on it and it's not back from the laundry yet. Mind you, what the laundry think they can do with that cat is beyond me - it's a Cheshire, you know.

 

 

 

The Cheeseshop Sketch

 

(a customer walks in the door.)

 

Customer (John Cleese): Good Morning.

 

Owner (Michael Palin): Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

 

Customer: Ah thank you my good man.

 

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

 

C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herrys' by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

 

O: Peckish, sir?

 

C: Esuriant.

 

O: Eh?

 

C: 'Ee I were all 'ungry-like!

 

O: Ah, hungry!

 

C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick', so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

 

O: Come again?

 

C: I want to buy some cheese.

 

O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

 

C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

 

O: Sorry?

 

C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tune, 'yer forced to!

 

O: So he can go on playing, can he?

 

C: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

 

O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

 

C: Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester.

 

O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.

 

C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

 

O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

 

C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

 

O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

 

C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?

 

O: Sorry, sir.

 

C: Red Windsor?

 

O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

 

C: Ah. Stilton?

 

O: Sorry.

 

C: Gruyere? Emmental?

 

O: No.

 

C: Any Norwegian Jarlsberger, per chance?

 

O: No.

 

C: Liptauer?

 

O: No.

 

C: Lancashire?

 

O: No.

 

C: White Stilton?

 

O: No.

 

C: Danish Blue?

 

O: No.

 

C: Double Gloucester?

 

O: (pause) No.

 

C: Cheshire?

 

O: No.

 

C: Dorset Blue Vinney?

 

O: No.

 

C: Brie, Roquefort, Pont-l'Eveque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse Bleu, Perle de Champagne?

 

O: No.

 

C: Camembert, perhaps?

 

O: Ah! We have Camembert, yessir.

 

C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

 

O: Yessir. It's ah... it's a bit runny.

 

C: Oh, I like it runny.

 

O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

 

C: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!

 

O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

 

C: I don't care how f*cking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

 

O: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

 

C: What now?

 

O: The cat's eaten it.

 

C: (pause) Has he?

 

O: She, sir.

 

(pause)

 

C: Gouda?

 

O: No.

 

C: Edam?

 

O: No.

 

C: Caithness?

 

O: No.

 

C: Smoked Austrian?

 

O: No.

 

C: Japanese Sage Darby?

 

O: No sir.

 

C: You... do have some cheese, don't you?

 

O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got-

 

C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

 

O: Fair enough.

 

C: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

 

O: Yes?

 

C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

 

O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

 

(pause)

 

C: Greek Feta?

 

O: Uh, not as such.

 

C: Uuh, Gorgonzola?

 

O: No

 

C: Parmesan?

 

O: No

 

C: Mozzarella?

 

O: No

 

C: Pippo Creme?

 

O: No

 

C: Danish Fimboe?

 

O: No

 

C: Czech sheep's milk?

 

O: No

 

C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

 

O: Not -today-, sir, no.

 

(pause)

 

C: Aah, how about Cheddar?

 

O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

 

C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!

 

O: Not 'round here, sir.

 

C: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?

 

O: 'Illchester, sir.

 

C: IS it.

 

O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.

 

C: Is it.

 

O: It's our number one best seller, sir!

 

C: I see. Uuh... 'Illchester, eh?

 

O: Right, sir.

 

C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

 

O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

 

C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

 

O: Finest in the district sir!

 

C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

 

O: Well, it's so clean, sir!

 

C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.

 

O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

 

C: Would it be worth it?

 

O: Could be.

 

C: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!

 

O: Told you sir...

 

C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?

 

O: No.

 

C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place....... Tell me:

 

O: Yessir?

 

C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?

 

O: Yes,sir.

 

C: Really?

 

(pause)

 

O: No. Not really, sir.

 

C: You haven't.

 

O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.

 

C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

 

O: Right-0, sir.

 

(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the shopkeeper)

 

C: What a senseless waste of human life.

 

Now after all that if you really think I intend to list a comic book you'll just have to wait until they're all cleaned and pressed - and the laundry doesnt make deliveries on Saturdays, so there. Hmm, come to think of it they dont make deliveries on any other day either.

 

Anyway, here isnt a comic book and dont even think about buying it!

 

MASTER COMICS #38 CGC 8.5 CREAM TO OFF WHITE CHEESE - ER, PAGES $1725 price is as firm as a good slice of cheddar

 

MasterComics3885.jpg

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Flex Mentallo

Flex Mentallo

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It's a funny thing but Monty Python never made a film about Conan the barbarian. Mind you if they had, they couldnt possibly have been funnier than the versions we've seen so far!

 

Neverthelss I detect more than a slight connection in their subversive attitudes to society. To wit:

 

Monty Python and the Holy Grail:"Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I'm being repressed!"

 

Conan: "Thief! Liar! Businessman!"

 

CONAN #25 9.4 OFF WHITE $30

 

conan25.jpg

 

Structurally a 9.6 - the apparent slight wear in the black surrounding the title is much fainter than appears on the scan.

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29dukedog

29dukedog

Posted
Posted

ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.

ARTHUR: I am your king!

WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.

ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.

WOMAN: Well, how did you become king then?

ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,...

[angels sing]

...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from

the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was

to carry Excalibur.

[singing stops]

That is why I am your king!

DENNIS: Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis

for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate

from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

ARTHUR: Be quiet!

DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just

'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some

moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

ARTHUR: Shut up, will you. Shut up!

DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.

ARTHUR: Shut up!

DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help!

I'm being repressed!

ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!

DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh?

That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it,

didn't you?

------------------------------------

 

 

More Conans!

 

 

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