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Started by thomasdacat,

88,978 posts in this topic

dover

dover

Posted
Posted

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died

peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his

car."

--Author Unknown

 

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you

get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two

aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown

 

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a

support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the

bar."

--Drew Carey

 

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a

desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have

fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the

wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

 

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and

saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life

without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

 

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and

we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to

leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There

should be severance pay, the day before they leave you,

they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

 

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took

her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they

weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

 

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better

verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that

study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

 

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm

half way through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be

eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

 

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of

people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,

but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

 

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dover

dover

Posted
Posted

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the

impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

 

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us

geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

 

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they

turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

 

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in

case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from

smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people

burn

slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

 

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy

is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

 

16) "Suppose you were an insufficiently_thoughtful_person. And suppose you were a

member of Congress... But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

 

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school

student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown

 

18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

--Billy Crystal

 

19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog

will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've

thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry

 

20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow

Disease" was taken.

--Unknown, presumed deceased

 

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