Crisis on Infinite Message Boards - Trade Paperback Edition!

[Joanna]

Chapter 12, Part 3G: Cunning Linguists

 

Appearing in this issue:

 

Flying 'House (Flying 'House) Flight

Lighthouse (Lighthouse) eye beams

Spelling Bee (PovertyRow) flight, stinger

Raspberry Toaster Pastry (Darthdeisel) flight, goo

KostumeKween (MajorKhaos) Powers of Supergirl Week Guy (NewtSamson) Lord of Time Stream

Month Guy (Redhook) Lord of Time Stream

 

 

Chapter 12, Part 3G: Cunning Linguists

 

 

The ROBOT patrol approaches the JBH and the two Time Masters. In the background, the red blob and the bikers pretend to be bird watchers on a Sunday stroll, despite it being Thursday.

 

"We have a report of several linguistic infactions," says the ROBOT Sergeant. "Anyone want to 'fess up so we can kill you? Saves the trouble of a trial," he adds helpfully.

 

"We are visitors from the future," says House. "We come in peace."

 

The ROBOTs look at House. "Uh huh. You come in peace yet you break our sternest and most sacred laws. Sheyah right!"

 

"You don't talk much like a robot," says Bee.

 

"We're not actual robots, you dork. We're ROBOTs -- RIGHTEOUS OFFICERS in the BEGINNING OF TIME. It's pure coincidence that our name sounds exactly like the name of mechanical men in the future."

 

"It's okay for him to call me a dork?" asks Bee to Red.

 

"What's wrong with dork?"

 

"Well, after all the fuss you guys made over c—"

 

House slaps his hand over Bee's mouth. "What my friend is trying to say is that, er, take us to your leader."

 

The Sgt. looks over the motley group of heroes and shakes his head. "We have no leader. We are a leaderless society. Unless you count Mable Magee, the waitress at the No Finer Diner in downtown Beginning of Time. She's wise and sassy -- qualities we tend to worship."

 

"I have found my people," says Kostume Kween with a grin.

 

"We only like those qualities in elderly women with foot problems."

 

"I am still searching for my people," says KK.

 

"Take us to Mable," says House with a lot less conviction than he had earlier.

 

"Look, a robin!" comes a shout from the red blob.

 

"That's a freaking Coke can," shouts one of the bikers. "Take my picture with it."

 

The ROBOTs glance toward the bird watchers, but don't see anything suspicious.

 

"Gentlemen," says Donut, coming forward, his hands above his head. "I think there's been a misunderstanding."

 

"Put your hands in your pockets!" shouts the Sarge, weapon drawn.

 

"Huh?"

 

"Right now, Krispy Kreme!"

 

"Do as he says!" whispers Newt.

 

"And make lots of sudden moves – nothing slow," adds the Sarge.

 

With a shrug, Donut quickly lowers his hands and shoves them in his donut hole. "Don't actually have pockets. Will the hole do?"

 

"We prefer pockets, but large abdominal orifices are acceptable."

 

"Don't EVER put your hands in the air again, boy!" shouts an overweight ROBOT. "That kind of menacing display will only get you killed!"

 

"Is this Bizarro World?" asks KK. "Me sad sun is out. Me want rain."

 

"Cuff him," says the sarge, pointing to KK. One of the ROBOTs walks up to KK and puts a teeny tiny pair of handcuffs on his lips, effectively shutting him up.

 

"Any chance we can take a pair of those with us when we leave?" asks Raspberry Toaster Pastry. "There are a lot of guys who'd pay big bucks for a pair of those."

 

"Sorry, sweet stuff, they're for official use only," says the Sarge. "But come to my trailer later and we can play Cop and the Cunning Linguist."

 

"Sarge!" shouts the rest of the troop in unison.

 

The Sarge realizes too late that he just said the word 'cunning' – a word that caries severe penalties when uttered. "You misunderstood me! I said cunner! It's a small fish of the wrasse family, found in the north Atlantic Oean!"

 

"Is that the fish whose Latin name is Tautogolabrus adspersus?" asks one of the officers.

 

"Yes."

 

"Oh! Duh."

 

"Phew!"

 

"Man, I hate shooting Sergeants. Thank goodness he was talking about the fish."

 

"These guys are very odd," whispers Bee to KK.

 

KK removes the tiny handcuffs, which the officer forgot to lock. "Huh? I wasn't listening. I was watching the red blob and the bikers chase butterflies."

 

"Cool!" says Bee, turning to watch.

 

A hollow silence settles over the group. The word 'cool' carries the death penalty, and there was no mistaking the clearly formed word that just slipped from between Bee's lips.

 

"Prepare to die, striped one," says the Sarge, raising his weapon.

 

"Eep!" Bee frantically looks for a place to hide, but they are in an open field. "Um... could you tell me what I did wrong first?"

 

"You said the 'c' word."

 

"I did not!" says Bee, outraged. He pauses for a moment then says, "Which 'c' word would that be?"

 

"The one you said."

 

"You mean cool?"

 

A gasp.

 

"Really? Cool? That's a bad word?"

 

A louder gasp.

 

"Give me a break. I mean really, you appear to be a fairly clever people. You have fancy weapons, cunning costumes and cool cars. Why would that word, or any others for that matter, be restricted? Language is beautiful! I did not become Spelling Bee for nothing, you know. I love the intricacies of the patois of the common man. I adore the serendipity with which our language follows and breaks its own rules. You know what that is? That's cool! You heard me! Cool, cool, cool!"

 

"He's right, it's cool," says KK, striking a heroic pose next to Bee.

 

"Oh geez," groans House. "Fine. It's cool."

 

"I hate you guys," says Donut to his teammates. "Cool."

 

"You're cool," says RTP to the Sarge with a wink.

 

Just behind the JBH, a large, swirly, bodacious portal opens up. Quickly, the ROBOTs open fire on the JBH and they vanish in an instant. The portal slowly fades away.

 

To be continued...

[Joanna]

Issue 12, Part 4C: Our Fighting Forces

 

Appearing in this issue:

 

 

Sgt. Rocky (Awe4one) Super strength

Damp Dude (Elvis) Aqua powers

Magic Tape (Scottish) stickiness

Go Go (Speedjunkies) Superspeed

Zilla (Zillatoy) Ninja dinosaur

Ape (CD4ever) Shape shifter

Chrome Dome (Chromium) power over metal

Unterfeldwebel Hoffman (Alex H)

Oberleutnant Schomburg (Ultimate Venom) telepath

 

Issue 12, Part 4C: Our Fighting Forces

 

 

Oberleutnant Schomburg's eyes focus intently on Ape. The Hero Squadron shuffles nervously in place, readying themselves for a battle.

 

"I am getting zomezing..." says Oberleutnant Schomburg. "It is a bit muddled und freaky, but I am zenzing..."

 

"What? What are you sensing?" asks Chrome Dome, into the drama of the moment.

 

"I zee... trees of green." The German officer concentrates harder. "Red roses, too. I zee zem bloom for me..." He turns to Unterfeldwebel Hoffman. "...Und for you!"

 

"You und your damn gardening!" says Unterfeldwebel Hoffman. "Focus, man!"

 

"Zere is no need to get schnippy," says Schomburg. "I vas just thinking to myself vhat a vonderful vorld zis vas for capturing spies!" He grabs Ape by the collar. "Zis is not Hitler! Zis is a damn, dirty ape!"

 

"You are just full of pop culture references today, aren't ya, big guy?" notes Damp Dude.

 

"He does that a lot," says Hoffman, rolling his eyes. "Drives us nuts."

 

Zilla rises from where he had been resting. "Okay, Krauts. If you want to hurt Ape, you're going to have to go through me, first."

 

"Krauts? Is it really necessary to throw in bigoted slurs? We didn't call any of you names."

 

"You called me dirty," says Ape.

 

"Yeah, but you are dirty," says Go Go. "Really. Bath time, dude."

 

The others nod agreement.

 

"I'm in a war!" says Ape, trying to defend his poor hygiene.

 

"I tire of this," says Schomburg. "Let's just kill zem and get it over with."

 

"Hold on just a cotton-picking minute there, jerry," says Sgt. Rocky. "You are supposed to be taking us to Hitler, remember? There'll be no killing. This is not about killing."

 

"In der Fatherland, war tends to have killing," says Hoffman.

 

"We have that in the States, too!" says Tape.

 

Sgt. Rocky glares at Tape, and then concentrates on Schomburg. He inches closer, trying to insinuate himself between the German and Ape. "Okay, okay, I'll admit that some wars have a little killing in them. But it's not a requirement!"

 

Hoffman looks skeptical. "I don't know about zat. Schmidt! Get ze dictionary! I'm going to use the dictionary definition defense! It never fails." One of the soldiers turns and runs back to the former German position by the trees.

 

"Damn it," whispers Damp Dude. "We're sunk.

 

"Not quite," says Sgt. Rocky, a glint in his eye. "Everyone knows that when a dictionary definition is thrown into an argument, talk of Hitler is never far behind. This may be our best chance to get them to take us to the furrier."

 

"Zat's Führer," says Schomburg. "A furrier is someone who buys und sells furs."

 

"You're wrong," says Sgt. Rocky. "Quick, Dome, get our dictionary!"

 

"Wake me when you need a thesaurus," says Zilla, the ninja dinosaur, trying to make a pun on the suffix 'saurus'. Several crickets chirp.

 

Suddenly, a large portal shaped like a gigantic, voluptuous breast shimmers into sight. The Hero Squadron and the Germans stare at it mesmerized.

 

"Ach du lieber! Eine riesige Brust! whispers Schomburg.

 

"Holy titillation," moans Tape

 

"Well, bust my chops," says Ape

 

"I feel like a boob for asking, but what is that?" asks Dome.

 

Before anyone else could come up with another terrible pun, Sgt. Rocky says, "It's the portal! C'mon, men, jump!"

 

Zilla leaps into the portal.

 

"Wait, Sarge, there's a dial on here," says Go Go, spinning it until it reads 'The Beginning of Time.'

 

"Oops," says Rocky. "Zilla is going to be really ticked. Where did he end up, anyway?"

 

"Right here, Sarge," says Zilla, stepping out of another portal that just appeared. Before the Germans could react to the giant ninja dinosaur that had just snuck up from the rear, Zilla knocks all the soldiers cold, then picks up Hoffman and Schomburg. "Gonna save you two for lunch," he says, licking his lipless lizard mouth.

 

"Eep."

 

"Men, into the portal," says Rocky. "Zilla, hold them until we're all in, then toss them aside and follow us. There'll be no snacking on sour krauts on my watch!"

 

With that, The Hero Squadron leaps into the portal. Zilla watches them all go, tosses aside the Germans and follows them in. Hoffman and Schomburg pick themselves up, glance at their unconscious troops, notice an enormous column of American tanks on the horizon, and leap into the portal just as it begins to fade away.

 

To be continued...

[Joanna]

Issue 12, Part 4D: I'm OK Corral, You're OK Corral

 

The Brick (Crisco) invulnerable

Flame War (Fantastic Four) Flame power

Where'd He Go (WHG) (Clobberintime) invisibility

Kid Twister (Drummy) Stretching Power

 

Issue 12, I'm OK Corral, You're OK Corral

 

 

The Earp brothers and the very drunk Doc Holliday and the Marvelous Four head toward the OK Corral. WHG keeps phasing in and out, unable to stay visible or invisible for long in his inebriated state. The Brick walks slowly, fearing falling down. When he falls, he's like a turtle on its back, unable to get up, and he doesn't want to miss the shootout. Flame War hums softly to himself, nodding occasionally at hitching posts that he mistakes for school marms. Kid Twister and Doc Holliday, though both soused, fare much better than the time traveling heroes. Their usual cowboy swaggers are close enough to drunken lurching that no one can tell the difference.

 

Just before a bend in the road, the Earps stop.

 

"Morgan, you go to the left. Wyatt, you take the right," says Virgil Earp.

 

"Doc, you're with me," says Wyatt.

 

"No, I get Doc!" says Morgan.

 

"You get Kid Twister and the out-of-towners," says Wyatt.

 

"We're the Marvelous Four," says Flame War.

 

"I'll take Kid, but I ain't goin' nowhere near them other guys."

 

"Now, Morgan," says Virgil placatingly, "they ain't so bad. I hear the big yella one can't be killed. You could use him as cover."

 

"That true, Yella Fella?" asks Morgan.

 

"S'long as I don' fall down, I'm good to go," says Brick. He falls down. "I'm shot!" he says, flailing his legs and arms.

 

"Yer drunk," says Kid Twister, helping him to his feet. "Don't worry, Morgan, we'll keep him upright. Right, gang?"

 

Brick falls back down. This time, the Kid struggles to right him but doesn't succeed. "Sompin' ain't right. You put on weight since last I hefted ya up?"

 

"Maybe it's my pistol," says Brick, putting down the small twig he had been using as a gun.

 

"Do I get a pistol?" asks Flame War. "I seem to have lost mine."

 

"You never had any," says WHG, turning visible. He's sitting on Brick's chest.

 

"You can have mine," says Brick, handing him the twig. Flame War smiles.

 

"Maybe we oughta rethink this whole thing," says Virgil. "Wyatt, Morgan, Doc – we can handle them Clantons alone, doncha think?"

 

"Yup," says Morgan.

 

"No doubt," says Wyatt.

 

"Absolutely," says Doc.

 

"You betcha," says WHG, falling off Brick. He turns invisible again and belches.

 

With a nod, Virgil motions the sober members of the crew toward the OK Corral.

 

"Aw, horse butts, look what ya done did now! They's left us. We ain't gonna git to do no shootin' or nothin'!" says Kid Twister.

 

"You can shoot me," volunteers Brick, still prone on the ground.

 

"I'm not gonna be left behind. Especially now that I have a gun!" says Flame War, waving his twig menacingly. He lurches off after the Earp brothers.

 

Something belches right behind Flame War.

 

"Wait for me," says Kid Twister, following.

 

"C'mon, guys, help me up." There's no answer. Brick cranes to see where everyone went. He's alone. A tumbleweed rolls past him. "Huh, I always thought that was a Hollywood cliché, but apparently, they really do roll by when there's a shootout." He flails again, but it's no good. "Hello? Anyone? School marm? Crooked Gambler? Town floozy? Oh c'mon, you've got tumbleweeds and Wyatt Earp but no town floozy? No way!"

 

Just then a hardened cowboy walks up. "Who are you calling a floozy? I'm loose, but I ain't no floozy."

 

"Who are you?"

 

"Ike Clanton."

 

"Clanton? From the OK Corral? Aren't you supposed to be in a gunfight, oh, about..." Suddenly, gunfire crackles from around the bend. "...Now?"

 

"Damn! Look, you wanna earn a gold piece, stranger?"

 

"Sure!"

 

"Come with me. I could use some extra guns against those damn Earps."

 

"But I—" Before he can finish, Ike Clanton pulls Brick to his feet and leads him toward the OK Corral.

 

Meanwhile...

 

"Virgil and Morgan have been wounded," says Kid Twister. "It's up to us to save the day!"

 

"What are my powers again?" asks Flame War. He throws a small pebble at one of the Clantons. "Ha! Got him. He's dead."

 

Having just been made aware of his presence, the Clanton shoots toward Flame War,

 

"Duck!" says Twister.

 

"I have the powers of a duck? That seems pretty useless."

 

"No, you danged fool, git down! They're shooting at you!"

 

Flame War screams and dives behind a tumbleweed. "Quack! Quack! ...How do I activate my duck powers?"

 

Suddenly, Kid Twister cries out. He's been shot in his gun arm. He winces in pain, dropping his revolver. "I'm a goner," he says.

 

"I'm a duck."

 

Meanwhile...

 

"Virgil and Morgan have been wounded," says Wyatt. "It's up to us, Doc."

 

"I just killed another Clanton. That makes three. Have you seen Ike?"

 

"No, and that's really bugging me. I thought Ike would've been in the heart of the fight."

 

"...erp..."

 

"Call me Wyatt, Doc."

 

"I didn't say anything."

 

"...erp..."

 

"What? What do you want?"

 

"Nothing, Wyatt."

 

"...erp..."

 

"I'm right here! Just say it, Doc!"

 

"...erp... Sheesh, I always belch in fours. Never fails," says an invisible WHG.

 

"It's one of the freaks," says Doc, ducking a bullet.

 

"Hey look! It's Brick!" says WHG. "And he's got a new friend!"

 

Wyatt turns to see Brick being pushed ahead of Ike Clanton. "It's Ike!"

 

Doc and Wyatt empty both of their pistols, but Brick proves to be incredibly effective cover. "Dang, he really is good at that," says Wyatt.

 

WHG materializes. "Yoo hoo! Brick! We're over here!"

 

"Hey, WHG! Meet Ike Clanton. Ike, this is WHG, Doc Holliday, and that's Wyatt Earp."

 

Ike shoots at Wyatt, but misses.

 

"Wyatt, Doc, WHG, this is Ike Clanton."

 

Ike shoots at Doc, but his bullet is deflected by Brick's waving arm.

 

"You clumsy fool! You made me miss."

 

"That's not nice," says Brick. "WHG, let's go get the others and get out of here. No one is nice to us. I need a drink."

 

Suddenly, a large, swirly, whooshy, milky, round portal with a nipple shows up.

 

"It's a giant school marm!" says Brick. "Cool!"

 

Just then, Flame War and Kid Twister join the group. "We got bored and heard someone yelling about a marm."

 

They see the portal. "Holy monster marm!" says Flame War.

 

WHG spins the nipple the dial. "Let's go!"

 

"Nice to meet you," says Flame War, shaking hands with Wyatt Earp. "I'm duck."

 

Twister shoves Flame War into the portal, wincing at the pain in his arm.

 

"Where's my gold piece?" Brick asks Ike Clanton.

 

Twister grabs him and shoves him in the portal. "Another time, Brick. Seeya Wyatt, Doc. Have a nice shootout!" As soon as Twister jumps in, the portal disappears.

 

To be continued...

[Zonker]

[Architecht]

Suhweet.

[Joanna]

Previously, in Issue 12, Part 3E...

 

Just then, a large, swirling, whooshing, breast-like portal opens up in the room.

 

"Ooh! That tickles!" laughs the disembodied voice.

 

Morty rushes in, and stops cold. "That is not supposed to be there."

 

Madeleine looks at her guests, at the portal, then back at her guests. Everyone is staring at the portal. Quickly, she removes her blouse, and stands in front of it, her magnificent breasts thrust forward. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you gentlemen to choose. You can stare at that ridiculous swirling thing, or you may fondle these. Keep in mind that I have two to its one. Now which will it be?"

 

Issue 12, Part 4E: To Swirl or Not To Swirl?

 

Appearing in this issue:

 

Lord Rawl (Lord Rahl)

The corpse of Dr. Gloom (Joe Collector)

A disembodied voice

Prof. Nefarious (Bronty)

Assoc. Prof. Heinous (AlexH)

Morty, the robed figure (Deathlok)

Second Guy (Ares) Lord of Time Stream

Minute Guy (DiceX) Lord of Time Stream

Hour Guy (PedgreeMan) Lord of Time Stream

Day Guy (hobbes) Lord of Time Stream

Year Guy (justiceleaguefiend) Lord of Time Stream

Decade Guy (Chrisfuccione) Lord of Time Stream

Century Guy (sfilosa) Lord of Time Stream

Millennium Guy (blowout) Lord of Time Stream

 

 

And Introducing Fazybones as the mysterious innkeeper named Madeleine (Didn't know you could end up in the story at a whim, didja, Fazy?)

 

 

 

Lord Rawl, Prof. Nefarious, Assoc. Prof. Heinous and Morty stare transfixed at the sight of the lusciously semi-nude Madeleine.

 

"I notice, mysterious robed stranger, that you are as transfixed as we," says Prof. Nefarious. "I did not realize a man in your... condition would be interested."

 

"Are you insane? Look at them! They're mythic!" Morty gasps, a single bone in his skeletal figure taking center stage in his mind.

 

"Even the deceased Dr. Gloom is looking," says Heiny. Everyone glances to the left and sees the corpse of Dr. Gloom, still quite irrevocably dead, peeking in the front door.

 

"Oops, I... uh... was supposed to dispose of that," says Morty, sheepishly. He doesn't move.

 

Madeleine is not amused. "Yes, you were. These tumescent beauties are for the living only." She thrusts out her chest even more in an effort to recapture the attention in the room. She succeeds.

 

"I think the swirly thing is beginning to fade," says Lord Rawl, not actually caring.

 

"Yes. I do believe it is, yes," says Prof. Nefarious. "A shame, that."

 

"Indeed," says Heiny, reaching slowly toward the Nirvana that would be touching an actual, real live woman in a womanly area that he had, until this moment, only seen penciled, inked and colored. Paper, he decided, was a poor substitute for heaving flesh. "Ungh."

 

"Are you okay, chum?" asks Nefarious, completely indifferent to the answer.

 

"It occurs to me that the swirly thing might be the way out of this reality," says Lord Rawl.

 

"Who cares?" replies every male in the room, including the late Dr. Gloom.

 

Madeleine licks her lips slowly, undulating just enough to add a little jiggle to the floor show. "You might as well disappear, portal. These boys are mine."

 

Just then, a figure steps from out of the portal. He is behind Madeleine and sees only the slavish, drooling faces of the males. "What in Ganthor's Midlife Crisis is going on here? Everyone else manages to figure out what the swirly thing is. Are you guys insufficiently_thoughtful_persons, or..." Century Guy sees the naked back of Madeleine and slowly leans far enough forward to see past her shoulder. "Ungh."

 

"Exactly what I said, portal person," says Heiny.

 

Century guy, moving at centennial speed, slowly reaches his hands around. Or at least, that's his intention. Frankly, centennial speed means his hands have moved maybe a micronanometer, if such a measurement exists.

 

From the portal appear Second Guy, Minute Guy, and Hour Guy.

 

"What's the hold-up?" asks Second Guy.

 

"No need to crowd," says Madeleine, bored. "Gaze at my beauty, yadda yadda, just remember that reaching is fine, touching only if your hands are clean and you denounce the portal. Oh, and Centennial Guy? Let's just I'm interested. Second Guy – not so much."

 

Soon, the entire remaining entourage from the Center of Time push their way through the portal and into the room. Millennium Guy clears his throat in an attempt to rein in the chaotic jumble of male bodies, all of whom stare unwavering at Madeleine, mumbling words of love, lust, praise, and pornography.

 

"Ahem. People! People! Settle down now. This is getting ugly."

 

"Except me," says Madeleine.

 

"Yes, except you. Anyway, I want everyone to walk into the portal in an orderly fashion. I've set the dial on the beginning of time, which is, as I recall, your destination. Time Lords, you can head back to HQ. Madeleine, I'll stay here and guard your breasts. Okay, everybody in."

 

"No!" says Madeleine. "I have plans for these men. I've got cake and scotch and a large bed and more girly bits you haven't even seen yet. They're worth the wait, too."

 

"You told me you were going to kill—" says Morty.

 

"Be quiet, you idjit!" hisses Madeleine. "They're not quite zombified."

 

"Zombified? I will never subject myself to such a process," says Lord Rawl. "As ruler of the 17th dimension, master of the xathosphere, I protest even the thought that I can be...uh... er... mmmmm... neeed brains..."

 

"Ew," says Morty. "Not that kind of zombie. A sex zombie."

 

"Need breasts..."

 

At that moment, Second Guy rips off his clothes and shouts, "I can't stand it! She's mine, you hear me? All mine!" He begins tossing villains, skeletal figures and Time Lords into the Swirly Portal.

 

"Not me – I'm Canadian!" shouts Heiny, but he is pushed into the portal without so much as a "Sorry, eh?"

 

Within seconds, Madeleine and Second Guy are alone.

 

"So, baby, what say we take a second to get acquainted."

 

"Nertz to you!" she says and leaps into the fading portal.

 

Alone with only Dr. Gloom's corpse and the disembodied voice, Second Guy jumps in the portal as it shimmers out of existence.

 

[To Be Continued]

 

 

[Joanna]

WoldsBestComics won the chapter in Crisis in the Raffle. He decided to give the honors to his good friend, Doc Watson. I asked Doc if he had any preferences as to what his character should be and his only reply was "villain". Therefore, without delay, here is:

 

Chapter 12, Final Chapter: Crisis in Crisis

 

Introducing:

 

The Doc – Doc Watson (consummate evil)

Hunch – WorldsBestComics (Doc's assistant)

 

Plus:

 

Everyone else.

 

 

 

 

In a cold, concrete room with no adornments mill every single member of the Crisis Team as well as several hangers-on from other eras, having been dumped there by the breastlike portals. The din of confused word balloons overlap each other, making it impossible to figure out what any one person is saying.

 

Watching them through a one-way mirror are the Time Masters. They are silent, not quite sure what to do with the massive invasion force that has rocked their ordered and generally uneventful world.

 

Through yet another one-way mirror, watching the Time Masters watch the Crisis Team is a shadowy figure known to one and all as The Archie-Moderator. He grows impatient, waiting to find out what the Time Masters' next move might be. His entire evil plan hinges on them making a move that would lend itself to disruption by an entire evil plan.

 

Through a final one-way mirror, watching The Archie-Moderator watch the Time Masters watch the Crisis Team is a heretofore unseen villain of epic proportions. He calls himself The Doc because he was once able to apply a band-aid to a cut on his finger. Where he comes from, that's an advanced medical procedure. The Doc's people are evil but a wee bit slow. Doc is a genius on a planet of moroons. That would make him a fairly average guy elsewhere, were he not so intensely evil, mean, vituperative and vile, with a fair dash of vicissitude thrown in for variety.

 

"Ah, alliteration. And with v's yet. Very impressive," says The Doc. Suddenly it becomes clear that his evility is so singularly keen he can observe not just the Archie-Moderator, the Time Masters, and the Crisis Team, but the typist of all this drek, as well.

 

"Gulp," she typed, realizing that "evility" isn't a word.

 

"Desist in your self-referencing," snarls The Doc in grim, sepulchral tones. "This is about me and I shall not be denied, especially in my debut chapter, which, by the way, is an awfully long time in coming. These inferior characters have been prancing around in this story for years but I, who can out-evil The Archie-Moderator with my bandaged finger behind my back, have to wait until this ridiculous story is nearly at an end? Pathetic."

 

The typist fades back into oblivion with only one thought on her mind. "It's near the end? About freaking time."

 

The Doc glances at the door behind him. "By the Spitting Frogs of Endor, where is my coffee?" Grumbling, he flexes his outsized muscles, counts his abs (still six, despite the deliciousness of Krispy Kreme), eyes Flying Donut, licks his lips, and flips his mane of abundant, silky hair. Catching his reflection in the mirror, he admires his coal-black cape, skin-tight spandex, and impressive physique. Part of the reason he chose evil as his profession was the uniform. It was, he had to admit, quite flattering.

 

At that moment, The Doc's hunchbacked, one-eyed, uni-browed, three toothed, yet oddly influential assistant galumphs into the room carrying a Starbucks cup. "Your Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte, my liege."

 

"I should remove your other eye for being so late, but as always, I tremble before your prodigious influence at the Court of Genocidal Corruption."

 

"The CGC will hear of your threat, my liege, unless, of course, you give me a backrub later. My hump is aching in this cold weather."

 

The Doc shudders, happy he remembered to bring his oven mitts to work that day. At least he wouldn't have to touch anything and risk infecting his wounded finger. "So, Hunch, what do you think I should do with this ignominious collection of garbageous riffraff?"

 

"You're making up words, my liege."

 

"As if that's my fault!" He glares at the typist who quickly turns on the spell check again. "Now answer the question, Hunch."

 

Hunch glances through the succession of one-way mirrors, rubbing his fingers on his scabrous chin. "In what do they take the most pride, my liege? If you can determine that, you can calculate their downfall."

 

The Doc nods his head slowly, flexing his muscles for a full-page splash that can later be sold for beaucoup bux at the San Diego Con.

 

Meanwhile...

 

The din of agitated voices echoes off the walls of the concrete room. Adding to the cacophony are the harmonizing voices of Spelling Bee, Mylite, Flying Donut, and Runt as they sing "Like a Virgin" in Barbershop style simply because the acoustics are just so damn good.

 

"Shut up!" shouts Sgt. Rocky. Slowly, some of the voices fade until the only sound is that of Snowball making out with his Neanderthal girlfriend.

 

"That means you, too, Snowball!"

 

Reluctantly he pulls away from his hairy squeeze. "Sorry. You were saying?"

 

"I was saying 'Shut up', but that was not my primary message."

 

"What we need to do," says Uranus, "is come up with a plan to escape this infernal prison."

 

"I would appreciate it if you did not interrupt me when I am about to impart my primary message," says Sgt. Rocky, menacingly.

 

Uranus rolls his eyes, shoots a little noxious scent in Rocky's direction and says, "Whatever."

 

With lungs burning and eyes watering from the aroma, Sgt. Rocky bravely fights to speak. "We need to escape this infernal prison!" he says. "And for that, we need a plan."

 

Uranus blasts another one to protest the stealing of his own primary message. It has the added advantage of giving him a little elbowroom as well.

 

"I think we should storm the mirror. I don't trust mirrors. Never have," says Fruit Pie.

 

A murmur of "Yeah, mirrors suck" undulates around the room, if it can be said that short sentences undulate.

 

Mylite steps forward, emboldened by his sweet, sweet tenor voice having been roundly admired during the barbershop song. "I will make myself attractive to the mirror. This will disarm it so it doesn't see the attack coming."

 

"Excellent," says Sgt. Rocky amid admiring gasps as Mylite ramps up his attractability quotient. "For the rest of you, anyone with non-lame powers – that eliminates you, Damp Dude – get ready to attack!"

 

Damp Dude hangs his head and goes to the corner farthest away from the mirror. "They'll be sorry if there's a puddle on the other side."

 

The Crisis Team lines up, bristling with non-lame powers, ready to blast at Sgt. Rocky's command.

 

Meanwhile...

 

"Um, should we move back or something?" asks Second Guy.

 

"We're powerful enough to counteract their non-lame powers," says Millenium Guy. "At the ready, Time Masters!"

 

Meanwhile...

 

The Archi-Moderator frowns. "There'd better not be some sort of vortex formed by the clash of non-lame powers with time powers or I could be in trouble. I'd best radiate my own powers just in case."

 

Meanwhile...

 

"I'm out of ideas," says Hunch. "You've rejected every plan I've proposed."

 

"They all included you running out for snacks while I was killed. I do not consider those viable suggestions."

 

"I'm hungry."

 

"Finish my coffee. I, however, have a real plan. I have found their source of pride! I know their Achilles' Heel! I shall be triumphant and ruin this mob of riffraff and pond scum in a single blast of my depraved soul! I shall PILFER THEIR POWERS!"

 

"Ooh, cool," says Hunch, standing back.

 

"OH ZEPHYR WINDS WHICH BLOW ON HIGH, LIFT ME NOW SO I CAN—"

 

"That's Isis," whispers Hunch.

 

"SHAZAM!"

 

"That would be Captain Marvel."

 

"DA DOO RON RON, DA DOO RON RON!"

 

"That's the one!"

 

Immediately, the room fills with a fetid stench, the walls quiver, smoke billows, and in a most dramatic fashion, the one-way mirror shatters, causing a chain-reaction shattering of all the mirrors. Suddenly, everyone can see everyone. It is a horrifying site. The costumes are gone. The powers are gone. The copies of Action 1 that Mylite had been hoarding are gone. There is left only a crowd of no-longer spectacularly heroic or villainous people. Rather, they are simply people again.

 

Unsure of how to react to this new development, they mumble about pressing, TV shows, and Steve Borock's ponytail.

 

In the blink of an eye, Doc sends them from the room back into the threads of the CGC messageboard, doomed once again to be faceless screen names and shills. Sheepishly, they try to forget the horrors they once perpetrated, the boasts they'd made, and the way they looked in spandex.

 

The Doc stands alone, Hunch having left for a beer run to 7-11. He surveys the destruction, the whisper of a smile on his lips. "Damn, I'm good," he mutters, knowing that today, he ruined everyone's fun by ending the Crisis on Infinite Message Boards.

 

 

 

[WEBHEAD]

Here is the original read and enjoy

 

 

 

 

 

 

WEBHEAD