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9 Page Preview! Please leave your thoughts

Started by therealkorey,

30 posts in this topic

Dr. Balls

Dr. Balls

Posted
Posted

From an artistic POV, I think it's a great look - I'd be interested in seeing the b&w version of the art. Great panels!

 

Story looks interesting - nice work!

 

 

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kav

kav

Posted
Posted

I've been in the webcomics/self pub business for a LONG time.

You don't want my reviews.

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kav

kav

Posted
Posted

The main thing I have to offer is there are such a large number of people doing this-hundreds of thousands-that to get any actual traction/sales/notice is pretty much impossible. If the goal is to get hired by Marvel, they barely have work for the artists/writers they already have.

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kav

kav

Posted
Posted

As far as the art goes there's really no backgrounds-the heads are drawn too flat on top and the camera angle never really varies....there's no use of shadow, hair is drawn as a solid mass, the hands are pretty well drawn.

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miraclemet

miraclemet

Posted
Posted

OK here we go..

 

FIRST: Props to you for creating!

Second: I cant draw a lick so Im in no place to critique the art, I'll stick to continuity, panel flow and the writing.

 

 

 

In general the transitions are a bit rough for me. There was some confusion as I read it.

 

Page 1 made me assume the adult female was the mom (since they had the same power), but then that was corrected on page 4 when we find out the mother is dead. I actually had to go back and read it again to figure out .

 

Page 2: Panels 1 & 2 don't add anything. Is the scroll being read in P2 important? It doesn't reappear in the first 8 pages, so I'm not sure. Could use the space to continue the conversation that picked back up

 

Scene transition on Page 3 between panel 2 and 3. It would make more sense since P2 ends with "the city of Alemuria" to have P3 show the city of Alemuria.

 

Or you could change it to the island of Alemuria, and then just show the island (as you do in P3).

 

Page 3 P1, repetition of "brother" caused some reading flow problems. Instead of "One of our brothers has gone missing" you could change it to "one of us has gone missing", or one of our family. Anything to avoid the double use of brother.

 

Page 3 P3 was confusing, are we back to current time and if so why are we looking at her back when one panel late (4.1) we jump back into the girls reaction a panel later, but here in Page 3 Panel 3 the woman looks like she's looking off in the distance thoughtfully.

 

Page 4 P1: Jumping right back into the interaction with the girls reaction was jarring. Maybe remind the reader what had happened by showing the woman with her hand still afire?

 

Page 5 panel 3. It jumps (from panel 2) from her being far behind the hat guy and closer to goggles guy and both of them facing away, to them being away from the goggles guy and facing us but she has passed hat guy.

 

[side note at this point. giving no one names is making it hard to read, names help create relationship and let the reader start to build schemas for the characters. So far we've got very little character development outside of the girl has the same gift as the woman and the woman and the hat guy have some relationship with the brothers in robes]

 

Page 6 panel 1. "want candy?" "no"? Its a throw away line unless this has some important point later.

 

Also based on their placement in Panel 2 (girl left, guy right) I assumed it was the girl who offered to share candy, but it was the guy. I assume. Also he has gum, not candy. If he says "that thing made me swallow my gum" after page 9 then there's a point I guess...

 

6.2 "This place is desecrated" usually means it has been treated with disrespect, but all I see in 6.1 is some old buildings. This place is deserted, or dilapidated (falling down). would make far more sense.

 

6.2 Dont say "thats sad" either show sadness, or express saddness. Stating an emotion is lazy, Have her say "my god thats horrible!" or "Jesus christ!" to express herself...

 

I dont know what "highly religious" means. Like the Varican? so "Most sacred" might sound better. I dont think of religious things as having a hierarchy in their religiousness.

 

6.3 there's the bubble being burst. (but it disappears in subsequent panels). A sight gag that doesn't play out beyond the presence of some pinkness around his mouth.

 

Page 7. panel 1 Ok so floppy hat guy is called Emyrs. Why is she thinking it instead of saying it. Is she a telepath?

 

7.2 is a nice panel and then the fight happens. Which looks nice.

 

 

Overall, Not sure how much your writer is giving you in terms of panel layouts and such, but if he's giving you the transition markets he needs to work on them, maybe seeing them will help him see how to improve the transitions,

 

Is this intended for paper or digital? Which ever, use the medium to your advantage. If its paper, use the page breaks and the page flips as your transition points, rather than doing it mid-page (as it shows here).

 

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miraclemet

miraclemet

Posted
Posted

Oh and Page 3 panel 2 it should either read

 

"investigating a strange phenomenon" (if there's just one)

or

"investigating strange phenomena" (if there are multiple)

 

not investigating strange phenomenon.

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therealkorey

therealkorey

Posted
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Posted

THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!.

 

general the transitions are a bit rough for me. There was some confusion as I read it.

 

Page 1: Everyone in Project Omni has a gift that gives them all different abilities. Theresa has a gift over fire. The little girl is just coming into her gift.

 

Page 2: I understand. The scroll plays a part in the up incoming pages to find Brother Jarvis.

 

Scene transition on Page 3 between panel 2 and 3. Ok thank you.

 

Or you could change it to the island of Alemuria, and then just show the island (as you do in P3).

 

Page 3 P1, repetition of "brother" caused some reading flow problems. Ok will do.

 

Page 3 P3 was confusing, are we back to current time and if so why are we looking at her back when one panel late (4.1) we jump back into the girls reaction a panel later, but here in Page 3 Panel 3 the woman looks like she's looking off in the distance thoughtfully.

 

Page 4 P1: Jumping right back into the interaction with the girls reaction was jarring. Ok gotcha

 

Page 5 panel 3. It jumps (from panel 2) from her being far behind the hat guy and closer to goggles guy and both of them facing away, to them being away from the goggles guy and facing us but she has passed hat guy.

 

[side note at this point. giving no one names is making it hard to read, names help create relationship and let the reader start to build schemas for the characters. So far we've got very little character development outside of the girl has the same gift as the woman and the woman and the hat guy have some relationship with the brothers in robes]

 

Page 6 panel 1. "want candy?" "no"? Its a throw away line unless this has some important point later.

 

Also based on their placement in Panel 2 (girl left, guy right) I assumed it was the girl who offered to share candy, but it was the guy. I assume. Also he has gum, not candy. If he says "that thing made me swallow my gum" after page 9 then there's a point I guess...

 

6.2 "This place is desecrated" usually means it has been treated with disrespect, but all I see in 6.1 is some old buildings. This place is deserted, or dilapidated (falling down). would make far more sense.

 

6.2 Dont say "thats sad" either show sadness, or express saddness. Stating an emotion is lazy, Have her say "my god thats horrible!" or "Jesus christ!" to express herself...

 

I dont know what "highly religious" means. Like the Varican? so "Most sacred" might sound better. I dont think of religious things as having a hierarchy in their religiousness.

 

6.3 there's the bubble being burst. (but it disappears in subsequent panels). A sight gag that doesn't play out beyond the presence of some pinkness around his mouth.

 

Page 7. panel 1 Ok so floppy hat guy is called Emyrs. Why is she thinking it instead of saying it. Is she a telepath? yes another gift

 

7.2 is a nice panel and then the fight happens. Which looks nice.

 

 

Overall, Not sure how much your writer is giving you in terms of panel layouts and such, but if he's giving you the transition markets he needs to work on them, maybe seeing them will help him see how to improve the transitions,

 

Is this intended for paper or digital? Which ever, use the medium to your advantage. If its paper, use the page breaks and the page flips as your transition points, rather than doing it mid-page (as it shows here). overall if you had to rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 what would you

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