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New Contest: Let's Roast Chuckles!

Started by chrisco37,

30 posts in this topic

chrisco37

chrisco37

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I'm changing the deadline on the roast. I had originally thought I'd be out of town this weekend, and unable to read the roast for judging, but my plans have changed. So, new deadline is 7:00 am Monday, June 16th. After that, we "bring down the House"......

 

I know it will be hard to top the efforts of JD, Mushroom, and Zilla, but that should not stop you from roasting.

 

Thanks!

Chris

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Dr_Neff

Dr_Neff

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Chuck Roast - I get it! 27_laughing.gif

Please keep in mind that some parts of this story have been ad libbed from OCPR, CBG, CGC and Altantis Rising

 

0087

 

 

Synchronicity: Right Place, Right Time ~

Shortly after reading "I Own All The Comics In The World" by Max Allan Hawkings, I was driving the interstate East of Flagstaff in Northern Arizona when a thought sudenly occured to me: "What if I could buy them all?" In the simplest terms, I would be able, at some point, to simply do a song and dance, add a little sizzle on the steak, and like our Government, throw some money at the problem that now loomed before me like the megalith in 2001. Not the year, the movie. That actually came out in 1976. Yes, I was now a Monkey with a bone, and comics were the real earth I was going to pound. I had earned my living selling hundreds of thousands of comic books to apparently one person. For what it's worth, I was fuming.

 

I pulled off the road between three mesas, where ancient Arizonians had constructed 12th century pueblos, and made a tissue paper model of how I was going to relieve Hawkings' from his collection. I ended up losing about 75,000 dollars in doing this, but more about the snake later.

I put the tissue model into my Overstreet Price Guide, held it over my head, and shook it three times. I made hocus pocus humming noises as I shifted the book in my hands. I shook it until I heard Bob Overstreet's voice telling me he would be sick. I lowered the book and opened it to my tissue page. What I found was astonishing. The tissue, when unrolled, contained on it's fragile surface information corresponding to EVERY major comic purchase that had ever been made, and by whom, all working to assemble the Hawkings' Collection. Let's start at "The Convention of the World" to which all the major collectors and dealers had travelled to, or came from. I myself had been in the 3 cents per book bins, picking over stock to take back to my (apparently) imaginary customers back home, which always seems far when your way out there. Frankly, it's how I earn my living.

the information told me here that indicating future sales trends by scouring books to mark up more than 300 percent and sell to my trusted niche' worthy clientele was going to be tough. I couldn't buy comics fast enough. I felt like a coal shoveller on a steam train. Feeding the hole.

 

Undaunted, I carried onward through the fog, got lost for a couple sentences but am frankly suprised your still reading the same diatribe after only eighty one installments. After centuries of being reincarnated into comic loving people, I was led to this moment in time. ( I knew I should have rubbed the guide). Here I noticed that both the nearby village of Hiawatha on the third mesa correlated to the Minihaha, a double star and the first of the trinity to peak over the eastern horizon as the constellation rises. Hiawatha is considered to be oldest continuously inhabited community in the United States. About seven miles to the east, located at the bottom of the second mesa, Old Ke-Wah-No-Tay was reputedly the first village established after the Bear Clan migrated into the region cica 1100 A.D. It was just then I noticed that it's celestial correlative was the middle star of the belt. Perched high on the first mesa about seven miles farther east are the adjacent villages of McDonald, Douglas, And Lockheed. The first of which was established before 1300. I found that they all correlated to the Neat Stuff ad at the back of my Overstreet. While the The Official Overstreet Comic Book Price Guide does a commendable job of pricing back-issue comics printed from 1100 A.D. to 1985, it fails miserably as a telescope. I was on my own here. No, Wait...

I took a Wizard magazine from under my shawl and rolled it up tightly, leaving an "I-Spy" hole through the center, and raised it towards heaven.

 

Nearly due north of Hiawatha at a distance of fifty-six miles is Betakakin Ruin in Tsegi Canyon, while four miles beyond is Kiet Sel Ruin. Both of these spectacular cliff dwellings located in navaho national monument were built during the thirteenth century. Their sidereal counterpart proved to be the double star Rigel, the left knee of Orion. The New Gods had given me a sign!

If i was right, I could figure that spending 3 cents each on thousands and hundreds of thousands, millions, and finally all 90,000,000 comcis in existence, and sell them for my usual $10.00 per issue, I would rake in a 9.93 profit on each book.

That was if the Overstreet hadn't let me down so recently. I had benn doing this for 25 plus years now, and wasn't sure what it would take to put me over the top.

I used the orange payphone by the fourth Cactus to the left and dialed my safety line. William tied his lasso around Lynn and Pam, who threw a wad of paper at Will, luckily Shawn and Rich were there too, and got a handle on the situation. Nanette finalllly offered me some information that might help. Reading a quote from a dealer selling recent comics, she told me that the OCPR had prices for recent comics, as long as they were CgC encapsulated and rated between 9.0 and 10.0. Anticipating the impending pricing war between Wizard and Overstreet's Comic Price Review, I knew that Bob had finally gotten a grip on the modern market. Though I ran into Karl Cramer at Megacon, I know he wasn't compiling data for a report, since all he was doing was goofing off talking to dealers about what modern comics they'd sold. Little did they know, that while getiing photos with the Batmobile, 1960's TV show version, I was getting my hand up the skirt of the entire market! And they were just worried about my kisses!

 

With hundreds of thousands of back issues selling briskly at a 3,000 percent profit for the past twenty years, I could not afford to wait any longer. I was on the move.

I stopped at a rest stop, and a kind young man with Serengeti Driver sunglasses and the shiniest kneecaps I'd ever seen led me to a lookout point. He lowered the red bandana that had been muffling his voice and pointed out to the State Park of Homolvi, which contains four pueblo villages constructed between the thirteenth and fourteenth centuries. These represented the irregularly variable star of Betelgeuse, the right shoulder of Orion. Another sign from Kirby!

It was just then that my excitment turned to horror as the man pulled a pistol, a .40 caliber smith and wesson police model, gold plated. He demanded that I empty my pockets, which I had stuffed with cash for my buyout. After emptying my pockets of the bills, cashier's checks, money orders, tootsie pop wrappers (with the indian shooting the star) and cancelled junk bond certificates, he went to steal my truck, which we had both been standing on, as it was as huge as the entire circumfrence of the valley below. As he was driving off, I heard a scream.

the truck veered kind of in slow motion. And went off a cliff. I walked over and peered out. The truck's girth had filled the valley and I was now able to walk across it, river and all, safely. I stooped into the truck and found the man dead behind the wheel, and a snake winding the rest of the way out of my toilet paper roll, that had wriggled out of my Overstreet. The snake went out the window, and I got back on top of the truck to view my surroundings from this new perspective. I rolled up my handy Wizard and gazed int othe horizon. Forty-Seven miles southwest of Hiawatha is the primary pueblo at Wupataki National Monument. Surrounded by a few smaller ruins. Built in the early twelfth century, around Robert Beerbohm's Birthday, their celestial counterpart was Bellatrix, a slightly variable star forming the left shoulder of Orion. More Jack, thanks!

 

Due the loss of one of the truck wheels in the crash (my $75,000), I had to sit on the passenger side while I was driving. Now my own frame would never balance out a one billion ton earthmover truck made by caterpillar, but luckily i carried with me my instant BiG Bill Vogel kit, and with a few beers and cheeseburgers I was right up there. I put on the dead man's Serengeti's and drove to the sunset.

I stopped and sighted the right knee of Orion, from the canyon of del Muerto, nearby a number of ruins that dated from the mid-eleventh century, closer to Bruce Hamilton's birthday. Saiph, the triple star formed Orion's foot, or right knee. this information neatly corresponded to the three pueblos, Dracula House, Frankenstien House, and Mummy Cave. but there was more. I discovered at the head of Orion, forming a small triangle with Meissa at it's apex and phi 1 and Phi 2 Orionis at it's base, correlated to the cliff dwellings at Hawkings National Monument, directly unrelated to Tom Gordon's former Monumental Collectibles, now that he is in the belly of the beast, as it were. Overstreet Comic Price Review.

With Hawking's Lair in clear view, I knew I had only seconds to act. The key solstice points on the horizon designated to the degrees of 60,120,240, and 300 recur in the relative positioning of the Anasazi sky cities. Grouping the 180,000.00

I had in spare change in the immense glove box of the big rig, together with the bonds and checks and cash I'd recovered from the mugger's rapidly decomposing body - great thing about the desert, decomposition happens when the bodies core temperature reaches less than 96.0 and the desert darkness brings intense cold. I also took care to pry the gun from his cold, dead fingers as well, just in case.

Then when the sun takes over again and the natures creatures feed on him I will have little, if anything, to explain to any authorities later. Since I could watch the sunset at exactly 240 degrees , it put me directly in line with the Hawking Stronghold. I scaled the face of the cliff, had to lose the gun and at this point had decided that I would simply walk into that living room and close the deal like Jerry McGuire.

 

"Show Me The Money" is exactly what Max Allan Hawking said to me, as his henchmen Rob and Bill (not brothers) held me fast in greedy clutches. "It's in my truck parked outside," I told him. He sent the Hughes non brothers to retrieve it.

Suddenly, I shrunk back to normal size and hoofed ot over to a waiting machete. Before you could say "Colonel Kurtz" I had chopped him into so many bite size peices that the BiG Bill Vogel left in some of my nether regions came out and took a few bites. That's when I saw something in the corner of the room that made my absolutely sick. No, it wasn't anything like 5 dealers controlling the top end comic market for the past 17 years, or equally sick pornography involving children that someone with a more clearcut sense of moral justice would call the authorities and say _____ the whole deal, no it was a mirror, and it was me I saw eating the chunks of Hawking. I ran, but on my way out ran into more henchmen, Ellsworths and Chruschinskis and Pussells, I slashed my way through Rogovins and Roters as the walls were stained with blood spatter and motled comics, pages flying everywhere like a money booth, my whirlwind Indy-Jones/Slingblade found Jasters, Allens, and Zurzurlos ( I let Linda and Michelle escape ), finally I had cut a wide swath out of there. the Hughes, though unrelated, calmly walked off with only the red scarf and my serengeti driver sunglasses. After all, THEY didn't need the money!

 

Looking back on that one I realized that not only should I have brought a mechanic sidekick to work on the truck that would end up carrying all the comics in the world that were purchased by all the prominent dealers for one shadow figure all along, but that I would most likely become a vegetarian. And if I were for no apparent reason start bashing the 2003 Official Overstreet Comic Book Price Guide, the pricing on new comics would probably top my list of criticisms.

In conclusion of this 82nd chapter to a 118 part story, that if you notice changes ever so slightly in each telling, let me leave you with the thought that while I was passing by the Colorado river, I was beginning to wonder what i had stumbled onto. One "coincidence" can be piled upon another for only so long before you come to the conclusion that they are, indeed, "meaningful", which is the definition of synchronicity given by psychologist C.G. Jung. The ensuing research would dominate the next five years of my life.... The Horror, The Horror ...

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chrisco37

chrisco37

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OK....it's voting time! Vote for your favorite "Chuck Roast". Votes will be tabulated next Monday (when I get back)......

 

 

 

 

Sorry Minutekev and Bonds! Kev made a strong showing w/ his prop, but is disqualified b/c the contest was to write a Tales from the Database. Bonds is disqualified b/c his story is so preposterous, that I cannot, in good conscience, allow it. wink.gif

 

Thanks to those who submitted.

 

Chris

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