ROAST: Rake Lighthouse over the coals!

[THE_BEYONDER]

Congratulations. You just became only the second person I have rated 1-star.

 

If you're so sick of hearing about the comic industry, why the hell are you here? Why have you made 370 posts on these forums in six weeks? Why have you subjected us to your opinions if you had no interest in being part of this community?

 

"Who [!@#%^&^] cares?" I'll tell you who cares! Nearly everybody else on these forums, that's who. We ALL care about the comic industry and where it's going. Whether it's because we want to buy them, want to sell them, want to write them or want to read them, WE ALL CARE. Everybody, it seems, but you.

 

Why DON'T you care how many people collect comics? Why DON'T you care if comics are "cool"? The long-term health of the industry is vitally important to everybody else here whether they are readers, collectors, or dealers. Whether they want to be able to continue reading. Whether they want to be able to add items to their collection. Whether they want to have customers to sell the items they already possess. You claim to love comics, yet you DON'T care whether they continue to be published? What are you, five? You expect the rest of society to do everything for you while you sit back and enjoy the benefits...

 

"Half( if not more) of the people currently "involved" with comics are in it for nothing more than the $$$$$." That may have been true in 1993, but it sure as hell isn't true now. And if you pulled your head out the sand for five minutes you ought to be able to figure that out. Most people in the comic industry now can easily make more money doing other things, a great many of them are doing this because they love it too much to quit. Nearly every good comic writer working today can make more money writing mainstream fiction, but they continue to write comics because they love the medium. And you sit at your computer and spit on that love. How dare you? Who the hell do you think you are?

 

""What can we do to get more people into collecting comics?" Get rid of all the "speculators", and start writing GREAT stories again." Wake the hell up. Ask anyone in the business and they will tell you there is as much or more quality writing in comics today as there ever has been. Ask the folks on this forum who read Brian Azzarello, Brian Michael Bendis, Jeph Loeb, Alan Moore, Terry Moore, Greg Rucka, J. Michael Straczynski, Kevin Smith, or Brian K. Vaughan. Ask them whether they can't wait for Wednesday to roll around so they can get new comics. "Speculators"? Here you go with the 1993 again. Have you been in State Prison since then? A lot has changed in the last ten years.

 

Why don't you go back to wherever it was you were before April 17th, when you signed up here? Because the rest of us here DO care about comics, DO care about where they are going, and DO understand that 1993 was ten long years ago. Whether directly or indirectly, nearly every person here is doing something to "get more people involved". Maybe it's a co-worker, or a friend from Rotary, or the guy who delivers pizza, or the kids at the local youth shelter, or the blue-hairs waiting at the beauty parlor. But I've heard stories from nearly everyone else here about them spreading the love of comics. And you come in here and publicly announce that not only do you refuse to do the same, but you insist we're all just in it for the money. How dare you?

 

You say you are "starting to dislike the modern collector". Well, I count several of the folks here who fit that description among my friends. And I am way past "starting" to dislike you.

 

 

[lighthouse]

I know I said I wasn't going to post in this thread until the contest was over... but wow... that was good...

 

Ok, leaving now...

 

BTW: Darthdiesel has been added to the schedule in two weeks... Stay tuned for more announcements on Sunday...

[Bugaboo-migration]

I know I said I wasn't going to post in this thread until the contest was over... but wow... that was good...

 

Ok, leaving now...

Get out and stay out ya bastage.

[Illiterati-migration]

Man, 'House... have you noticed that ALL the posts in your roast have been of exceptional length??

 

[ImageMask]

I offered a guy a shameless and ridiculous low amount for 30 cent vars of SVTU # 6,7 in VF and will pay 10x that offer on e-Bay next week.....Too the same guy!

[Illiterati-migration]

Man, 'House... have you noticed that ALL the posts in your roast have been of exceptional length??

 

 

Oh man, I hear 'House LOVES posts of exceptional length in his roast!

 

I hate you all for forcing my hand in this innuendo.

[blowout]

Boy, I'm so glad I'd thought to send a huge stack of Wolverine #1's (Vol #6005??) to CGC for grading...it was just like printing money.

[Illiterati-migration]

Man, 'House... have you noticed that ALL the posts in your roast have been of exceptional length??

 

 

Oh man, I hear 'House LOVES posts of exceptional length in his roast!

 

I hate you all for forcing my hand in this innuendo.

 

Look at this! I'm forced to respond to my own post and acknowledge that acknowledgement invisibly and now I am bumping this thread AGAIN???!??!?!!?!

 

Jerks.

[Illiterati-migration]

Man, 'House... have you noticed that ALL the posts in your roast have been of exceptional length??

 

 

Oh man, I hear 'House LOVES posts of exceptional length in his roast!

 

I hate you all for forcing my hand in this innuendo.

 

Look at this! I'm forced to respond to my own post and acknowledge that acknowledgement invisibly and now I am bumping this thread AGAIN???!??!?!!?!

 

Jerks.

 

I hate you guys.

[Joanna]

I don't have time to post in a roast thread because I own a brick and mortar store made of both bricks and mortar. If you haven't figured it out yet, I like to watch.

 

I like to watch the Goth Princess sell books to horny fanboys.

 

I like to watch strippers sell their gyrations to horny laps.

 

I like to watch greggy and bug artificially inflate their post counts.

 

I like to watch Khaos grovel for a chance to go to Chuck E. Cheese.

 

I like to watch other people roast other people.

 

I like to watch me watching all these things, so I keep a mirror by my computer so that I can watch my own expressions. My favorite is how I look as I open the babe test thread. Now that's a good thread! Lots of watching to do in there.

 

I like to watch hammer threaten people. My face looks sad when I fear he's going to threaten me, so I make sure I lowball bid on his books every once in awhile to keep on his good side. That way I can watch the auction.

 

I don't like to watch when [!@#%^&^] fanboys come on here and say they don't care about the new comics market! I own a brick and mortar store -- made of both bricks and mortar, mind you -- and it directly impacts my bottom line and my watching when these insufficiently_thoughtful_persons refuse to acknowledge the bountificance of talented writers, obscure titles, way cool artists, and exciting new books that are available each and every day in the brick and mortar store, whose location I will not divulge because I don't want any of you freaks watching me!

 

 

 

[greggy]

The Life Story of House

 

Young House was raised in the quaint California town of Santa Ana. He was well adjusted until a chance meeting with his second grade sweetheart, Sally Hansen. One day after lunch, House proposed a trade of desserts. He figured that since he has traded various items such as bubble gum and baseball cards for other classmates’ desserts, this would be an easy deal to seal. However, to his dismay, Sally refused his straight up offer of his Strawberry Shortcake for her Cherry Poptart. He was devastated by her refusal and accidentally dropped the cake on the floor. While he went down on his knees to pick it up, Sally approached him and stuck her bosom in front of his face and whispered…”Give me your lunch money and you’ll get what you want!” Reluctantly, he took the $1 from his pockets and tried to give it to her! But…there was a problem, Sally had no pockets. Shockingly, she told him to just slip it in her panties! Unfortunately, their teacher, Mrs. Rose stumbled upon this action and they both got in trouble. This was a defining moment in House’s life.

 

Due to the publicity caused by his actions, House’s hippie family decided to move up to the beautiful Williamette Valley, as it reputed to have the best bud on the US Pacific Northwest! It was living in Oregon that House chanced upon his first comic book. He was walking along the local red light district when he went into the scummy grocery store. He was shocked because behind the counter was a dead ringer for Lily Munsters! He was smitten with her classic Gothic look! Because he wanted to have a reason to talk with her, he went to the comic spinner rack and picked up the first POS comic book that he could find. Unfortunately, it was a crappy Marvel and a Daredevil to boot. Since 148 was his favourite number for some insane tardlike reason, he picked it up and brought it to the counter. He was hooked on comics since then. A few days later, he went back and picked up a book due to the fabulous cover! It was a beautiful DC and had a cover drawn by a “Neal Adams”. He had the strange tingly feeling that he didn’t feel since his fateful last meeting with Sally Hansen.

 

As he grew older, House unfortunately lost interest in his funny books but found a new passion! He became hooked on the Ducks from the University of Oregon. Despite their lame colours, he endured their losing ways. However, they had a penchant for beating the overrated teams from the University of Kansas! Although others especially shady brick and mortar comics and cards dealers in Eugene call themselves fans, how many of them sat through the Oregon State football game in the early 1980s in the bloody pouring rain! Well….answer me! But….House took too many downers before his SAT and he didn’t get a high enough score to go to school in Eugene! He left the State and decided to San Jacinto JC in Texas on a basketball scholarship! Hell, he figured his sticklike 6 foot 7 body had some use.

 

While in Texas, House became discouraged because he realized that his “whitey” body was no match for the more athletic players that eventually went to loser schools like Kansas. So…House became distraught and started hanging out at the peeler bars. He raised money by buying prime collections from recent nursing home residents and selling them to the dumb sheep he calls his customers. His life had no focus until he met his future wife, L! L was different from other women that he knew because she didn’t have a stage name of “Amber, Summer, Angel, Rainbeau, or Midori”. He had found his true cash cow.

 

After graduation and realizing that his studies didn’t prepare him for a real job, he started in the retail brick and mortar comic business. His wife was making the big bucks so he could afford taking risks with shady partners. It was in Texas that he became a big Spurs fan (Ok, only after they won the first * NBA championship). After 8 hard years building up his business, he felt the call of the Williamette Valley so he coaxed his wife to move back to where he grew up. However, he didn’t mention that he wanted to move back because he wanted to relive his youth and to find his true Goth princess.

 

After lugging his many boxes via truck (including dropping some “special” books off at some safe houses along the way), he was back in Oregon and primed for business! He found his dream brick and mortar spot! It was close to the local High School and the peeler bars. He was in heaven. He could train his employees (both male and females) to give him seductive lap dances while sending in his Diamond orders. They got so good that 6 of them went on to bigger careers!

 

So….what’s next for House? Will he corrupt the Goth Princess or the Girl Scout even more? Will he read every porn comic every printed? Will he trash poor newbies for their dislike of new comics? Will Khaos finally relent and go to Chuck E. Cheese dressed in the mouse suite. Time will only tell!

 

To be continued……

 

Disclaimer: Parts of his life story are totally fictionalized and winged at the last moment, as I am writing this on the fly!

 

[Bugaboo-migration]

Looking at this from a dealers perspective, I don't think the scenario you're proposing would ever work. You're considering opening a brick and mortar store with 1200 square feet of display space. Have you really given much consideration to what will be required to make that a sucess? For evey square foot of space, you'll need to have 37 cents worth of Marvels, 24 cents worth of DC's and 16 cents worth of alternative books. On the weekend, you'll need to double those numbers. You'll also need to have 36.6 yugio toys for every 34 comics that you stock.

 

Also, if you don't rotate your inventory 3 times every 17 days, you'll never make it. That's just a cold hard fact. And, that doesn't even take into account the other factors. I really get tired of explaining my great wisdom about operating a comic store to the peon masses, so I've created a simple chart that even the dumbest insufficiently_thoughtful_person can understand.

 

 

Calculate the square footage of the store you plan to open, follow my recommendations, and you'll be succesful. Ignore my suggestions, and you'll burn in comic hell.

 

Now, if any of you disagree with this information, please remember that I'm 6' 7". That's not a threat....that's just a fact. If you think you know more than me, then you are, quite simply, wrong. I can beat you at ping pong, golf, tennis, a 10k run, checkers, running a comic store, chess, skiing, basketball, racketball, football, soccer, backgammon, monopoly, trouble, Uno, chinese checkers, connect four (unless your Bugaboo), and dominos. You name the game, and I can kick your arse. If the game is being short, then I can lay on the ground, suck my gut in, and be shorter than anyone. Stay outa my face, cause I'll shove it in if you get in my way.

 

Anyway. Enough with that. Just so long as you all know that I know more about running a comic shop than anyone esle in here, then were cool.

 

[greggy]

Looking at this from a dealers perspective, I don't think this scenario would ever work. You're considering opening a brick and morter store with 1200 square feet of display space. Have you really given much consideration to what will be required to make that a sucess? For evey square feet of space, you'll need to have 37 cents worth of Marvels, 24 cents worth of DC's and 16 cents worth of alternative books. On the weekend, you'll need to double those numbers.

 

If you don't rotate your inventory 3 times every 17 days, you'll never make it. And, that doesn't even take into account the other factors. I really get tired of explaining my great wisdom about operating a comic store to the peon masses, so I've created a simple chart that even the dumbest insufficiently_thoughtful_person can understand.

 

 

Calculate the square footage of the store you plan to open, follow my recommendations, and you'll be succesful. Ignore my suggestions, and you'll burn in comic hell.

 

Now, if any of you disagree with this information, please remember that I'm 6' 7" tall. That's not a threat....that's just a fact. If you think you know more than me, then you are, quite simply, wrong. I can beat you at ping pong, golf, tennis, a 10k run, checkers, running a comic store, chess, skiing, basketball, racket ball, football, soccer, backgammon, monopoly, trouble, Uno, chinese checkers, connect four (unless your Bugaboo), and dominos. You name the game, and I can kick your arse. If the game is being short, then I can lay on the ground, suck my gut in, and be shorter than anyone. Stay outa my face, cause I'll shove it in if you get in my way.

 

Anyway. Enough with that. Just so long as you all know that I know more about running a comic shop than anyone esle in here, then were cool.

 

Damn sniper!

[Illiterati-migration]

Looking at this from a dealers perspective, I don't think this scenario would ever work. You're considering opening a brick and morter store with 1200 square feet of display space. Have you really given much consideration to what will be required to make that a sucess? For evey square feet of space, you'll need to have 37 cents worth of Marvels, 24 cents worth of DC's and 16 cents worth of alternative books. On the weekend, you'll need to double those numbers.

 

If you don't rotate your inventory 3 times every 17 days, you'll never make it. And, that doesn't even take into account the other factors. I really get tired of explaining my great wisdom about operating a comic store to the peon masses, so I've created a simple chart that even the dumbest insufficiently_thoughtful_person can understand.

 

 

Calculate the square footage of the store you plan to open, follow my recommendations, and you'll be succesful. Ignore my suggestions, and you'll burn in comic hell.

 

Now, if any of you disagree with this information, please remember that I'm 6' 7" tall. That's not a threat....that's just a fact. If you think you know more than me, then you are, quite simply, wrong. I can beat you at ping pong, golf, tennis, a 10k run, checkers, running a comic store, chess, skiing, basketball, racket ball, football, soccer, backgammon, monopoly, trouble, Uno, chinese checkers, connect four (unless your Bugaboo), and dominos. You name the game, and I can kick your arse. If the game is being short, then I can lay on the ground, suck my gut in, and be shorter than anyone. Stay outa my face, cause I'll shove it in if you get in my way.

 

Anyway. Enough with that. Just so long as you all know that I know more about running a comic shop than anyone esle in here, then were cool.

 

Damn sniper!

 

ROFL Sniper indeed. Unfortunately, 'House would never, EVER spell "mortar" wrong.

 

You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

[Bugaboo-migration]

ROFL Sniper indeed. Unfortunately, 'House would never, EVER spell "mortar" wrong.

 

You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Holy Crud. You're right......I corrected it.

 

Hey......you try to imitate 'house at 2:00 in the morning when you're drunk. It's not easy.

[Bugaboo-migration]

Damn sniper!

Yo......I messed up and missed two books on eBay that I wanted to snipe today.......but I made sure to come through for 'house at the last minute.

[Illiterati-migration]

ROFL Sniper indeed. Unfortunately, 'House would never, EVER spell "mortar" wrong.

 

You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Holy Crud. You're right......I corrected it.

 

Hey......you try to imitate 'house at 2:00 in the morning when you're drunk. It's not easy.

 

How many times do I have to tell you: Just because you're having a hard time using your dialing wand between chili dog belches to call the escort service, that doesn't mean you're drunk!

[Illiterati-migration]

I don't even know what that last one meant. Hell's bells. I think I've lost my grip on the English language again.

[greggy]

I don't even know what that last one meant. Hell's bells. I think I've lost my grip on the English language again.

 

Dammit...what's the decision?

[lighthouse]

WARNING: The next 120 posts in this thread have nothing to do with the roast...

 

They include a few funny posts, lots of weak bagging, and many of the same pictures you have seen before in other weak bagging threads...

 

There is very little to see here...

 

You have been warned...

 

This Public Service Announcement brought to you by the Why The Heck Did I Just Waste My Time Reading That Thread committee...