Roast this, suckas!

[Illiterati-migration]

You people suck at this. I want to feel brutalized, I want to be forced to curl up in bed crying after reading these posts. I want revelations on the "Crying Game" level. I want to stare into the abyss and I want to feel what I thought was my soul, nay, my very identity stripped away from me leaving my true essence bare and bloodied in a sobbing heap on the floor!

 

Your prize? It will be crappy-- of that you can be certain. Will it be worth it? Oh yes... if you're into crappy. I can't guarantee it will be comic books, it might be a Florida Snowman or unpolished rocks or maybe a live animal of some sort (possibly a lemur). Regardless: ROAST ON, MOTHA TRUCKAS !!!!!

 

(I'll end this insanity on Saturday night at midnight Central Time... you have been warned.)

 

And please, don't suck. We've had enough suck. (If the "imitating the 'voice' thing is too hard for you, just make fun of me. It will be therapeutic for you.)

 

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnd ROAST!

[Aman619]

what a stupid idea. youre a real jerk. Its been done before, and better.

pathetic loser.

[THE_BEYONDER]

[lighthouse]

Date: October 27, 2002

Time: Noon Central

Place: The Land of Limited Topography

Event: The first post on the CGC Forums by MajorKhaos

 

And now, through the miracle of modern technology, an inside look into the making of this piece of literature.

 

First... the version we all know and remember. To set the scene, this was in the classic "Supa-Pimp..have you gone crazy altogether??" thread, which features posts by a dozen members who are now forever known as "**DONOTDELETE**" ... Doiby Dickles had just worried aloud about the impact on newbies the thread might be having, and our own MajorKhaos was inspired to write this (quoting from a statement the previous day by Rickdogg):

 

Oh and another thing, I was just checking "who's online" and I have noticed a good amount of new users. I wonder if this kind of stuff scares them off

 

Yeah. "Scares them off"... I can't speak for anyone else, but I've been around the internet long enough now (9 years... can someone PLEASE peel me out of this chair??) to recognize a bona fide "Message Board Hissy Fit ©." Really, all that I'm getting from all this whining and caterwauling is that I'm going to be MUUUUCH more careful about who I buy from on Ebay. Well, at least I'm going to be MUUUUCH more careful about not buying from certain people. Not that anyone is protesting too much. Noooo. Not that I'm starting to believe the accusations. Nononono. Well, yes. Wait, what was this thread about to begin with?

 

Seriously though, I've really enjoyed reading most of the threads throughout these boards the last few days... and I was almost impressed by the relative lack of in-fighting. Regardless, I won't judge the whole on the basis of a few twits. On to a REAL topic: how about that market crash?!?! I mean, I noticed there are ONLY 43 billion comics for sale on Ebay this afternoon! RUN! Sell 'em all for a buck! Cut your losses and run! (and call me, I've got a couple bucks to burn).

-Logan

 

I'm sure I didn't need to actually paste it here. I have no doubt you all had it memorized... But have you seen the original version??? The text in blue was cut from the original before posting, but we have it here for all to see... Without further ado, the director's cut of MajorKhaos' first post:

 

Yeah. "Scares them off"... I can't speak for anyone else although you better believe I am gonna try , but I've been around the internet gay sexchat rooms long enough now (9 years , ok so it's weeks, no one's gonna know ... can someone PLEASE peel me out of this chair and rub me in bacon fat before I chafe ??) to recognize a bona fide "Message Board Hissy Fit ©. That's supposed to be a copyright symbol for those of you who weren't smart enough to get into community college like I was after four tries." Really, all that I'm getting from all this whining and caterwauling is an and that I'm going to be MUUUUCH more careful about who I buy used panties from on Ebay. Well, at least I'm going to be MUUUUCH more careful about giving greggy the name of my girlfriend and about not buying dirty underwear from certain people. Not that anyone is protesting too much. Heehee, that Shakespeer reference will make em think I am smart. Oh wait, don't type that. They can read what I'm typing. Stop it. Dammit, where's the backspace on this thing. I'll have to get out my white-out again. Noooo. Not that I'm starting to believe the accusations, except for the ones about greggy having a nice butt. Nononono. Well, yes. Mmmm... sweet DC's and greggy's tight butt... mmmm. Wait, what was this thread about to begin with?

 

Seriously though, now that I have cleaned myself up, I've really enjoyed reading most of the threads throughout these boards the last few days especially since no one is making fun of me yet ... and I was almost impressed by the relative lack of in-fighting. Regardless, or is that irregardless, maybe that guy FlyingDonut knows, he seems really smart, I won't judge the whole on the basis of a few twits especially if someone will take me to Chuck E Cheese. On to a REAL topic: how about that market crash?!?! I mean, I noticed there are ONLY 43 billion comics for sale on Ebay this afternoon! RUN! Sell 'em all for a buck! Cut your losses and run! (and call me, I've got a couple bucks to burn). Boy I sure hope you people like me and I get some stars! All the cool people have stars. I want some too!

-Your new best friend, Logan Oh [!@#%^&^], why did I use my real name? Wait, I can go delete it. No I can't. It's not in blue. ... Darn...

[Aman619]

...well, I guess I could have tried a little harder......

sorry mine sucked.

[THE_BEYONDER]

It's hard to say when it all began. When rational turned to irrational; logical to illogical. What was it that triggered the transformation, and at what point did fact dissolve into fiction? I ask myself this question.....knowing very well that I have little in the way of an answer.

 

I don't know what seperates mental health from mental illness. What distinguishes making sense from creating nonsense. In truth......

 

....I'm not even sure there is a difference.

[lighthouse]

Somebody please roast me... I asked all my buddies to bump this thread for me and they all laughed... I thought you guys liked me... I mean I know I am a pain in the butt sometimes... but I can't help it... Mommy didn't ever pay attention to me, and daddy kept trying to take me camping in the basement... Aren't you guys gonna roast me?... Please?

[THE_BEYONDER]

[fazman]

Yeh, I'm cooking a roast this weekend !!

[Joanna]

what a stupid idea. youre a real jerk. Its been done before, and better.

pathetic loser.

 

Your playful banter disguised as trollish invective amuses me, tadpole. Then again, at least your entry was on time! Mine is far past the deadline, and yet I persist. Perhaps it's the musings of my wretched pancreas -- the laziest organ in my body. And you thought my brain deserved that honor! Well, you'd be wrong, gnome, as that is far too obvious an answer, though I will accept 'skin' as an alternative during the lightning round. Please turn all the cards, Kitty, and let's see who's won this pitiful roast.

 

But first -- I must know why, WHY, WHY the crowds and huddled masses didn't flood this thread with vitriol!! Am I not worthy of your verbal jousting? Is your trebouchet of wit without ballast? Am I the Mrs. Howell to your Gingers and Mary Anns? I thought you were my friends! Well, maybe not friends. I mean, we'd all love some real friends, but what are the odds of that happening?

 

Damn you! Damn you all to hell! Soylent green is people!

 

--------------------

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

 

http://starterupsteve.com/swf/Group_X_video.html

 

[lighthouse]

 

You know... I actually think that entry deserves bonus points for being late... how better to capture the Neville Longbottom of the CGC forums...

 

[Illiterati-migration]

Neville Longbottom?!?!? I looked that person up on Google... and let me just say that not only is Joanna getting my GOOD prizes (yeah, you lousy, lazy bumlickers, there were GOOD prizes), she is also now the ONLY name on my list of forumites not to kill!

 

And that was the best roast-thrashing to date!

 

Don't worry 'House, you'll still get your prizes... but I would advise keeping them dry and never, ever feed them after midnight.

 

[Illiterati-migration]

That is to say that Joanna's verbal de-pantsing had me both blushing and questioning my role in the universe... I need to go put on my black Nikes and pour myself a glass of Kool-Aid. Ooooooh yeah.

[ninanina]

 

Your playful banter disguised as trollish invective amuses me, tadpole. Then again, at least your entry was on time! Mine is far past the deadline, and yet I persist. Perhaps it's the musings of my wretched pancreas -- the laziest organ in my body. And you thought my brain deserved that honor! Well, you'd be wrong, gnome, as that is far too obvious an answer, though I will accept 'skin' as an alternative during the lightning round. Please turn all the cards, Kitty, and let's see who's won this pitiful roast.

 

But first -- I must know why, WHY, WHY the crowds and huddled masses didn't flood this thread with vitriol!! Am I not worthy of your verbal jousting? Is your trebouchet of wit without ballast? Am I the Mrs. Howell to your Gingers and Mary Anns? I thought you were my friends! Well, maybe not friends. I mean, we'd all love some real friends, but what are the odds of that happening?

 

Damn you! Damn you all to hell! Soylent green is people!

 

Joanna, I never want to get on your bad side. That was simply fabulous.

 

--------------------

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

 

http://starterupsteve.com/swf/Group_X_video.html

[Joanna]

 

You know... I actually think that entry deserves bonus points for being late... how better to capture the Neville Longbottom of the CGC forums...

 

 

It was a calculated risk to post late, but had been my plan from the start. I just thought that was a Khaos-like bit of anarchy. When roasting, one must look at all the angles.

 

I have no idea why more people didn't join in because he is really fun to mimic. He has a unique style, and you get to use all the referential humor your mind can thunk up. That's plain old fun on a bun with ketchup and cheese!

 

-- Joanna

[lighthouse]

That's plain old fun on a bun with ketchup and cheese!

 

-- Joanna

 

Every time I start to see you as "one of the guys" you go and post something all girly...

[Illiterati-migration]

That's plain old fun on a bun with ketchup and cheese!

 

-- Joanna

 

Every time I start to see you as "one of the guys" you go and post something all girly...

 

When I was just a wee Junior Khaos my friends and I decided to stay out all night and avoid detection from our parents by saying that we were all spending the night at someone else's house... pretty fun until the middle of the night when we ran out of stuff to do and I found myself sitting on someone's driveway eating soggy hot dog buns with ketchup (the only leftovers from the night's long-passed repast).

 

It's as though you're reading my mind, Joanna!

[ArAich]

That's plain old fun on a bun with ketchup and cheese!

 

-- Joanna

 

Every time I start to see you as "one of the guys" you go and post something all girly...

 

When I was just a wee Junior Khaos my friends and I decided to stay out all night and avoid detection from our parents by saying that we were all spending the night at someone else's house... pretty fun until the middle of the night when we ran out of stuff to do and I found myself sitting on someone's driveway eating soggy hot dog buns with ketchup (the only leftovers from the night's long-passed repast).

 

It's as though you're reading my mind, Joanna!

 

Real men use mustard...

[Joanna]

That's plain old fun on a bun with ketchup and cheese!

 

-- Joanna

 

Every time I start to see you as "one of the guys" you go and post something all girly...

 

I thank you, my breasts thank you, and my estrogen thanks you. If needed, I'll be sure to up my quotient of girly remarks, so that no one accidently calls me out to brawl or to lift heavy things.

 

-- Joanna

[Joanna]

It's as though you're reading my mind, Joanna!

 

I did read your mind and I will never be the same. While in there, I noticed a dark closet marked "shameful secrets". Why, Khaos, why??? Why do you keep those memories alive? Destroy them now -- for the sake of the children -- expell them in a blast of primal aromatherapy!

 

-- Joanna