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Started by thomasdacat,

88,978 posts in this topic

dover

dover

Posted
Posted

from my Italian uncle

 

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday

> buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact,

> if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where

> they're serving rum balls.

>

> 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine

> single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than

> single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year

> but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories

> in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an

> eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one

> for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

>

> 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole

> point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make

> a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.

> Eat the volcano. Repeat.

>

> 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with

> skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?

> It's like buying a sports car with an automatic

> transmission.

>

> 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort

> to control your eating. The whole point of going to a

> Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots

> of it. Hello?

>

> 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now

> and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have

> nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which

> you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a

> 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

>

> 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet

> table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size

> of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have

> as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.

> They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them

> behind, you're never going to see them again.

>

> 8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of

> each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and

> one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have

> more than one dessert? Labor Day?

>

> 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with

> the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all

> cost. I mean, have SOME standards.

>

> 10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave

> the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying

> attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is

> just around the corner.

>

> Remember this motto to live by:

>

> "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the

> intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well

> preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in

> one hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and

> screaming,

 

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