Joanna

Don't know if you're still awake, but there ya go.

Issue 8, Part 2: Wherever Dr. Gloom walks, things crash. It is his power. He passes a scaffolding with three painters on it. The painters are lucky because they hit a tarp on the way down after their scaffold suddenly buckles. When Dr. Gloom passes Starbucks, the din of breaking coffee mugs is deafening. Even the clop, clop of falling paper cups holding scalding hot liquid raises the decibels, as the screams of a dozen splattered latte drinkers fills the air. Ordinarily, this would make Dr. Gloom feel good. But today he is-- well, gloomy. He hasn't run into one freaking hero the entire morning. He considers leaving his new job with the Archi-Moderator in a huff. He could always return later -- everyone needs more gloom in their lives. They don't understand -- no one ever does anything right, and I am the only person who knows it. Only I know what each person should do. They need to listen to me. "People of The Collector's Society!" he shouts, stepping onto a nearby park bench. "You are all doomed! You must stop walking in an orderly fashion and panic! You, in the grey shirt -- run about aimlessly, screaming. And you in the pink dress -- faint so that the mob can trample you. Those of you in the back may mumble and mill about, staring in one direction for now. I'll have more instructions later. Now hop to it, people!" A murmur goes through the crowd. They are on the precipice, he can feel it. Just another moment and the panic will begin. Suddenly, 6 men on hovering scooters swoop down. They are dressed in purple spandex jumpsuits. The leader begins to speak. "Do not panic! We are the Hostess Hoard and we are here to help you!" The crowd is mollified and go back to walking in an orderly fashion, ignoring Dr. Gloom and the purple guys. "The Hostess Hoard? What nonsense is this?" shouts Dr. Gloom. "Hi, nice to meet you. Gloom is it?" "Dr. Gloom." "Craziest thing just happened," says the man in purple. "My buddies and I were shooting a little B-Ball on our lunch break. We got the munchies and hit the 7-11. We heard about the death of KostumeKween, and well, it riled us up. KK is a personal fave of ours." "His 2nd season Buffy was uncanny" says a second purple man. The Hostess Hoard nod in shared grief, then the first man continues. "We've read a lot of comics, so we know that Hostess products can make superheroes appear from nowhere. So there we are at 7-11 and there's the Hostess display. What else were we supposed to do? Just ignore the death of the noble KostumeKween? No way!" "We each bought a different tasty snack treat." "I bought several." "We had no way of knowing what would happen." "We figured some heroes would show up and that's that." He sneezes, and white creamy filling comes out his nose. "Sorry. Gotta cold." "The bottom line," says the first man, "is that the heroes turned out to be us! Isn't that wacky? Now we've all got superpowers and we're here to fight evil." "I'm evil," says Dr. Gloom helpfully. "Great!" "Perfect!" "What a day!" "Before we defeat you, we'd like to introduce ourselves. We've already decided not to use secret identities, so it's only fair that you know who you're fighting. I'm hogations, but you can call me Twinkie! " "I'm The Beyonder, but now I'm known as Snowball." "Aman619, now Ding Dong." "Ninanina -- Ho-Ho." "Although some know me as JLA All the way, I'm now much better known as Fruit Pie!" "I'm Doyle033. Um... Cupcake. This is so dumb. Why did it have to be Hostess products? Why not types of steak, or power tools, or something?" "You don't get superpowers from eating power tools, Cupcake. Now get in line, we need to strike a pose." The 6 men strike a heroic pose just long enough for Dr. Gloom to crash a street sign across their heads. All 6 fall to the ground, out for the count. "Nice meeting you," says Dr. Gloom, feeling just a little better about the day. Meanwhile... The JBH and the Solar Powers have another conference in the sky. "With the death of KostumeKween, I fear we're in grave trouble. He was obviously the bravest, strongest, most heroic cross-dresser on the planet. We must come up with a new plan. The 'dress up KK as a hooker to lure Archi-Monitor out of his energy pod' won't work anymore." Everyone looks at Raspberry Toaster Pastry. "Nah ah! I have a wife and child! Make one of the single guys do it." "Any way you'd be willing to videotape you and your wife making out?" asks Venus. "Ix-nay on the uggestions-say, Venus. You're a prime candidate for the hooker thing with your delicate features," Uranus whispers. "Curse my misfortunate of being born a pretty man," mumbles Venus. "New plan, new plan," says Bee. "I'm guessing this is going to take some sort of vortex of death." "What makes you say so, Bee?" asks House. "That Penalty Box is like a black hole. Things go in, don't come out. You showed that with your eye-beams. I'm thinking it has a massive center of gravity that is continually spinning at near light speed. If we can create a counterforce that matches the exact speed, only in the opposite direction, then we might -- just might -- be able to reverse its effects." "Who's got superspeed?" asks Flying Donut. The Solar Powers shrug, not meeting his eyes. "I can spray goo..." says RTP. "But not at superspeed." "Then why mention it? Did we ask for goo? No. We asked for superspeed." "Mercury here can orbit pretty fast," says Pluto. "Shut up!" "Well you can." "No, I can't. I'm real slow." "Yes... with Mercury's superspeed orbiting abilities, and his power of generating immense heat -- this just might work!" Bee whips out a calculator and crunches some numbers. "You're going to have to orbit like you've never done it before." "I'm brand new to orbiting. I suck at it. I'm a lousy choice." "Excellent. Thanks for volunteering," says Lighthouse. "Okay, so we're decided. Mercury attacks the Archi-Moderator alone, orbits at superspeed in the opposite direction of whatever is powering the Penalty Box, and we'll mop up." "Anyone up for a game of squash?" asks Jupiter. "I’m in!" "Me, too!" The JBH and Solar Powers hurry back toward the ground, while Mercury slowly spins, alone in the sky. "Why couldn't I have been Uranus?" To be continued...

Issue 8, Part 1: Leading up to more death! Unaware of what just happened far above him, Coinee searches for heroes to fight, and people to turn into villains. His pocket-change-plated body shimmers in the sun, and people stare as he walks down the street in just a pair of Batman underoos and a large cape made of dollar bills. He catches snippets of conversations as he passes. "...exotic dancer? He's..." "...wore those as a kid..." "...I think I see a wheat penny on his as..." "...having for dinner? I don't want..." "...am born to be a villain..." "...on ebay and it was a major shill..." Coinee stops, and goes back one person. "Did I overhear you saying you were born to be a villain?" "I am Lord Rahl! Bow down before me, change purse." "Ya got kind of an ego thing going there or are you trying to impress me?" "You are no match for Lord Rahl, puny silverbutt." "Uh huh. I'm seeing potential. Are your politics to the right or left?" "I am Lord Rahl, ruler of the 17th dimension, master of the xathosphere! I have come to conquer and enslave your race. I voted Green Party." "Feh. Green party. You stole the election from us! Gore could've won if you hadn't leeched a bunch of his votes! Now we're going to have to wait until 2008 for a Clinton to be back in office!" What am I saying? That's not what I was thinking at all! I've been a my whole life and now I'm suddenly -- D'oh! I meant . D'oh! Getting dizzy, can't think, leaning to the left, must compensate. Think tax cuts -- good, good -- think war -- even better, I'm almost cured -- think environmentalism-- gak! Nothing works! "Your confusion amuses me, shiny man. I am Lord Rahl, and I can both read and control your mind." "Can you control anyone's mind?" Coinee's head pounds, but he fights it, hoping to find some sort of edge -- preferably an edge with little ridges, like the coins he loves so dearly. Coinee's mind wanders, drowning in etched eagles and spiky hats and old dead presidents. "Yoo hoo! Over here," says Lord Rahl. "Wha...?" "I said 'yes', I can control anyone's mind." "Wanna help me destroy everything in the universe?" "I've got my son's violin recital around noonish, but I'm free at 2." "Excellent! In the meantime, try to think up a cool villain name." "I am Lord Rahl, ruler of the 17th di--." "Yeah, yeah, heard it. Something cooler. Like maybe -- ooh, ooh, I know! -- Lord Rawl!" "It sounds the same." "But it's got 'Raw' in it. Like you're a raw, rawr, lion-hearted, WWF kinda nasty guy. It's great, trust me." "Only if you buy Hillary's book." "With pleasure!" Aargh! I can't wait to kill this guy when his usefulness is over. "Uh... you do remember that I read minds, don't you?" asks Lord Rawl. "Kinda forgot, actually." To be continued...

Issue 7, Part 5: This is it! The conclusion to the quintuple-sized shocker called Issue 7! KostumeKween soars ever closer to the giant, floating IT unit. "May your fingernails split uncomfortably and may you have a burning sensation whenever you pee and may you lose your sense of rhythm and may you--" KK's slogans are heating up into his best material, and he is quite proud of himself. Surely this alone will weaken the Archi-Moderator enough so that he could be easily deafeated? "--your nose run yet you have no tissues, and may your ankles swell uncomfortably in the humidity, and may you--" With a final burst of speed, KK breaks through the giant steel door of the IT Unit. Inside is a maze of wiring and motherboards. Cautiously, he follows a large cable, hoping it will lead him to the beast who inhabits this infernal, mechanical spacecraft. "Yoo hoo...? Anybody home? Avon calling! I've got Watchtowers! I'm working my way through college by selling magazine subscriptions! Dominos!" He doesn't see the giant cable begin to snake around his left foot. But someone does. "Watch out for that giant cable that's beginning to snake around your left foot!" KK turns to see 4 guys in yellow uniforms and a fifth guy being dragged behind them, wearing a giant plastic slab. "Who are you guys?" "We're the N'Superables! And Mylite. He needed a ride." "You said we were going to 7-11 for Slurpees!" Mylite shouts, his voice muffled by the giant slab. "We will, we will. But first, we have to help this cute, though surprisingly beefy chick in the Supergirl costume." "This way, N'Superables," says KK with a gesture. He breaks the cable's grip and takes another step, only to be captured by another animated wire. Before he can fight free, all of the N'Superables and Mylite are entwined. "Must... get... free..." KK sputters, fighting with his superstrength. "Must... help... my... teammates..." gasps Rerun. "Must... pee..." says Mylite, then sighs heavily, a smile on his face. Alias quickly splits into a bunch of people and works on freeing the others before the cables and wires can get him. Supafreak trumpets then stomps on things. Rerun watches the Bob Newhart Show. Emoticon becomes a smiley with a chainsaw and starts freeing Mylite. "P-U ,man, what'd you just do in there?" "None of your beeswax." KK leads the now freed N'Superables and Mylite deeper into the craft. Suddenly they are all attacked by invisible somethings. "Invisible somethings are attacking us! And I can't see them!" shouts Rerun. "They're Mods!" screetches KK. "The unseen helpers of the Archi-Moderator. Supafreak -- blow mammoth snot everywhere -- maybe that will allow us to see them. "Brilliant idea, '," says Mylite. Then his slab is covered by a viscous goo. "There's one!" shouts emoticon. Quickly he stretches himself into a line of smileys so long it destroys the size of the thread. "There's another," says alias, making so many illegal shills of himself that the gooey mod can't delete them fast enough. Mylite tips his slab over onto a third mod and Rerun trips a fourth under the giant feet of Supafreak, who squishes him good. "We did it!" "We've done nothing yet. Those were mere puppets. We need to defeat the Archi-Moderator himself." "Big words, KostumeKutie." Archi catches himself. "D'oh! That was supposed to come out an insult, but my natural male desire to impress chicks prevented it." "I'm irresistible!" shouts Mylite. "Indeed you are," says a winking emoticon. Mylite frowns. "Enough of this highbrow patter. You will all be destroyed!" shouts Archi-Moderator. With a toss of his cape and a shaking of his evil head, he shoots mighty beams out of his hands, destroying Rerun's teletummy. Another beam shoots out and Mylite's CGC case is cracked. Supafreak trumpets and instantly becomes extinct. Emoticon and Alias run away, er, to get reinforcements. Yes, that's why they were running. "I guess it's just you and me now, sweet thing," says Archi. "I don't do sweets!" he shouts and pile-drives his body into the Archi-Moderator whose pocket protector shatters on impact. "Argh! My energy... dissipating!" Archi tries to get away, but KK attacks again destroying Archi's cell phone and beeper. "No! Stop the madness!" Undaunted, he readies for one more attack, but is distracted by a groan from Mylite. "Cracked case... must... resubmit..." "No, Mylite! You can't resubmit! You've been dinged!" "Your attention strayed, little lady. That's a fatal mistake." With that, the Archi-Moderator shoots horrific bolts of energy from both hands, sending KK flying across the craft, fatally injured. Laughing maniacally, he takes off in the emergency pod. Mylite makes his way to Rerun, bangs him on the head and the TV sputters back into life. "Quick, tune in to the Discovery Channel." Rerun complies and the show 'Raising the Mammoth' roars from his belly. Supafreak slowly stands, resurrected by the miracle of CGI. "What's wrong with KostumeKween?" asks Rerun. "No..." whispers Mylite, scooching his cracked CGC case over to the fallen hero. "No..." he says again, sensing the very life draining from this noble man. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screams as KK breathes his last. Quietly sobbing, Mylite cradles KostumeKween against his slab, his salty tears mixing with the blood of the only forumite he ever truly loved. Later, on the nightly news... "...top story: KostumeKween died a horrible, painful, terrifying, heroic death when she was ripped apart by energy beams during a battle with the Archi-Moderator. Funeral arrangements are being made in the Grave-ing and Restinpeacing Forum." "He was a true hero." "And not just to cross-dressers and Star Trek fans. To all of us. He was, well, as his fellow superhero Mylite put it, 'He was a ', but he was the best ' we ever had.'" "Quite a tribute." "Indeed." "KostumeKween, you will be missed. You will be mourned. You will be retconned when the crisis is over, but in a lamer, less powerful way." "In other news, an unidentified man was killed by lightning today..." To be continued in Issue 8.

Just a quickie before all of you go to bed. Issue 7, Part 4: Death! But not THE death. "How goes the mayhem?" asks The Archi-Moderator. "Not so good," mumbles Coinee. "I was on break," says Dr. Gloom. "Evil help is so hard to find. Okay, look, monkeyballs, I asked for death, destruction, dismemberment, disenchantment, despicableness, disease, defecation, de noise, de funk -- and what do you give me? Nothing!" Coinee, writing down the list, "How do you spell 'despicibleness'?" "With an 'a'..." points out Dr. Gloom. "Silence! This is what I want from you!" Archi opens the door to his hovering IT unit and looks for a victim. Trimmer walks out to get the morning paper. Archi hits him with a lightning bolt, killing him instantly. "Oh, man," says Coinee. "I was really looking forward to all the mayhem he was going to cause." "Can you restore him?" asks Dr. Gloom. "Never. Trimmer despises any talk of restoration when he is near. He's out of here for good." Down below, Trimmer's spirit form tries to enter a nearby anonymous lurker. "Oh no you don't." Archi zaps the spirit and it fizzles out. "And that's how it's done -- you got it, gecko brains?" "Got it," both men agree. "Go forth and do nasty, evil, horrifying things. Or no dinner." Coinee and Gloom transport back to the forums, ready to cause mayhem, and eat a light snack. Meanwhile (that not being the death)... KostumeKween flies skyward, his eyes on the giant, hovering IT unit that just seems a tad out of place. "Must... reach... I... T.... Unit.... hovering... a... tad... out... of... place..." "Why are you talking like that?" asks Bee, buzzing backward in a lounging position so that he can remain face to face with KK. "Wha...? Who are you?" "I'm Spelling Bee. And this is Lighthouse, Flying Donut and Raspberry Toaster Pastry, the newest member of Jutsa Buncha Heroes." "The JBH?? I thought you guys were only legends!" says KK, awed. "Well, all but the poptart -- you I've never heard of." "That's Toaster Pastry, buttmunch." "So what are you legends and the hot chick doing up here?" "We're going to destroy that hovering IT unit. It's evil. That's what we do. Destroy evil." Flying Donut lifts his granite chin, allowing the sun to paint heroic shadows across his classic features. Before KK can react, they are interrupted by the sound of 9 men shouting to each other. Below them, making slow progress to their position, they see 9 costumed men flying around each other in wobbly patterns. "Whoa! Watch your freaking orbit, Saturn!" "Sorry!" "Spinning... so... fast..." "Someone slow down Mercury, he's making me dizzy." "Yo, Pluto -- you wanna catch up or what?" Lighthouse shines his beacon on them to get a better look. "The sun! I see it!" shouts Earth, hurrying the others toward the beacon. "I'm not the sun! I'm Lighthouse!" "We're Solar Powers! Are you guys the JBH?" "Some of us," says RTP with a disdainful glance at KK. "Well, La-di-da," says KK with a smirk. "Give me the stupid decoder thing." Although RTP only waves his card toward him, KK says, "'I want to be a hero.' There, I'm a member now." "How'd you do that so fast?" asks RTP. "Super-intelligence. I have all the powers of the silver age Supergirl." "And all the fashion sense." "If Malverne were here, he'd show you what for!" "Zip it, Linda Lee," says Donut, then turns to greet the Solar Powers. "Nice to have you join us. We've decided that stealth and planning would only fail, so we're going to attack it head-on while screaming slogans of destruction." "Perfect!" "Great plan!" "We're in!" "It's too dangerous." "Who said that?" asks Lighthouse. "It was Super Queen!" says Bee. "I heard him! He said, 'It's too dangerous', just like that." "KostumeKween! But I'll accept SA Supergirl in a pinch. And it is too dangerous." "You have a better plan?" "Yes. I'll attack it head-on, alone, screaming slogans of destruction. Then you guys mop up." "Better plan!" "We're not doing to die!" "We'll be behind you! Waaaay behind you!" Flying Donut twists a bit to make sure his lighting is still heroic, then says, "Fine. It's far more sensible for you to go alone than to overwhelm it with numbers. Good luck, old chum." "Uh... yeah, that was a little too easy. I was expecting some arguments." "No arguments here! G'won! Go attack it like you said." "Shoo!" "Geez." KostumeKween modestly straightens his skirt, licks his blonde bangs, gets a determined expression on his face then shoots at superspeed toward the giant IT unit. "Die! Die! Die you naughty man!" "We should've worked on the slogans," says Bee, watching KK fly to his doom. "Yeah." Lighthouse turns to the assembled heroes. "Anyone for lunch?" "That donut is looking really good. So, yeah!" "Okay, back here in, oh, say an hour?" "Hour and a half. I like to take a little nap afterwards." "Hour and a half it is." The heroes pull out cell phones to make reservations. To be continued...

Don't worry lads, there's more coming. No one other than Mr. Shotzy complained about his appearance, so there's no reason to delay (Mr. Shotzy's character will be written out immediately. It was not my intent to harm his real-life character). As for Aman -- you're on my list already (as are you, Beyonder) so you'll make it in. Just can't tell you when, or what you'll become.

You don't need to worry about me, Kev. This is just a one-time thing.

And a villain you shall be.

Issue 7, Part 3: Someone is still gonna die, promise. Meanwhile... Raspberry Toaster Pastry catches up to the JBH as they hover, trying to figure out a battle plan. She hangs back just a moment, to listen. "I say we scare 'em by setting up a PA system and reading Atom Age horror books in a really spooky voice on the loudspeaker." "Why is that always your plan, Bee? Every time! When we fought The Bowels of Eliminator -- that was your plan. When we battled The Dork Twins -- that was your plan. When we had that crisis on Forum Five with the Fearless Fifteen -- that was your plan. They were fearless, and that was still your plan! It never works," says Lighthouse. "May I?" asks RTP. "Who are you?" "Raspberry Toaster Pastry. But you can call me RTP, for short. I'm a mouthful." After blushing a bit, the 3 members of the JBH wait for her to continue. "I... I've always admired you guys and well, I just got some superpowers from a radioactive raspberry..." She holds up the baggie of raspberries to prove the story. "You should put those in a Ziplock," says Bee, helpfully. "I know! That's what I told the mysterious woman who gave them to me. But anyway, I'm here because I want to fight and die beside you." "Whoa!" "Die? Who said anything about dying?" "That is so not a golden age thing to do." "Sorry," says RTP. "My background is in moderns." The JBH leaves RTP hovering and find a new patch of sky in which to talk. RTP squeezes her left breast and instantly starts squirting goo everywhere. "Dangit! right rise, left goo, right rise, left goo. This is so embarrassing. Damn costume should come with a gigantic box of Kleenex." Hundreds of feet below, she hears the screams of several innocent, now goo-covered civilians. Quickly, she squeezes her right breast and swoops over to the JBH. "Let me try again. I really want to help. I don't have to die or anything. I just want to fight and defeat evil." Lighthouse squares his shoulders -- a difficult thing to do while riding in a donut-hole -- and says, "I guess we can use all the help we can get. Here -- decode this message and I can give you a Justa Buncha Heroes ID card and decoder ring." "Don't I need the ring to decode the message?" "It says, 'I want to be a hero,'" says Bee. "Way to wreck it!" groans Flying Donut. "Well, it's not that difficult," says Bee. "Look, 'K' is a one letter word, so it has to be 'I' or 'A'. And since there's another one letter word later, it makes more sense that it's 'I'. Now you know that 'Z' is 'A' and 'K' is 'I', so the next word--" "Okay, I've decoded it. It says 'I want to be a hero!" "He's good," whispers Bee, awed. "May we please get back to planning our attack on the giant floating IT unit above us? My stomach is getting chafed. Damn these sprinkles!" "So what is the plan?" asks RTP. "I say we scare 'em by setting up a PA system and..." Meanwhile... Nine men are sitting around listening to sitar music and seeing pretty colors. "Damn," says Dam. "Hot damn," says Odin. "Bubbling hot damn," says Zonker. "Bubbling hot damn with jam," says Cosmicbob. "Buckets of bubbling hot damn with jam," says Hkp. "My turn?" asks Ubiquiti. "Gimme a sec." "Enough," breaks in Bronzebruce. "Anyone feeling any superpowers yet?" "I see skies of blue... red roses, too..." sings Mushroom. "Anyone else have the muchies? All I've had to eat today was this Spaceshroom." Old guy checks his pockets. "Never mind, found a Chicklet." "There should be some indication that we've become powerful beings," mumbles Bronzebruce. Suddenly, all nine of them pass out. Thankfully, Old Guy does not choke on his Chicklet. An hour passes. Slowly Bronzebruce comes to and realizes that everyone is now wearing spandex with the picture of a planet on it. "Cool!" He looks at his chest. "Jupiter! I have the power of ever expanding gas!" CosmicBob wakes up next. He, too, checks his shirt. "I don't know my planets. What is this one?" "Your name is CosmicBob and you don't know your planets?" Bronzebruce shakes his head. Odin awakes and recognizes that he's Saturn. "I can throw powerful rings of energy." Hkp gives a cry of happiness. "I'm Pluto! The Disney Planet!" "What's your power?" "I'm like a big cartoon dog. Or maybe it's something ice-related." He picks up a glass of water that instantly freezes. "Definitely the ice thing." "Anyone know which planet this is?" asks Cosmicbob. "Neptune," says Zonker. "I'm Neptune? Excellent! Water power!" says Cosmicbob. "No, I'm Neptune." Zonker makes dancing waters come out of his fingers. "Mercury! I'm Mercury! Heat powers!" cries Dam, melting Hkp's glass of ice. "Please don't let me be Uranus," whispers Cosmicbob. "No mistaking me. I'm Earth!" says Ubiquiti, doing an endzone victory dance. "And I'm Mars," says Mushroom. "The mighty god of war. I must be the ultimate warrior." "Not Uranus, not Uranus, not Uranus..." "Wake up, Old Guy. Look at your shirt." "Huh? Wha...? Why do I have a picture of Uranus on my chest?" "Yes!" cries Cosmicbob. "Okay, let me see. Old Guy is Uranus, Bronzebruce is Jupiter, Dam is Mercury, Zonker is Neptune, Mushroom is Mars, Odin is Saturn, Hkp is Pluto, Ubiquiti is Earth... what's left?" "Venus!" they all shout in unison. "I'm screwed." "Let's call ourselves the Solar Powers!" cries Jupiter, his bronzed head held high. "To the Solar Powers! Hip, hip, hooray!" "What would a Venus do?" "Forget that. What would Uranus do? After all, we've already got Mr. Ever-expanding-gas over there..." Meanwhile... KostumeKween is despondent. He's been watching as scores of ordinary men suddenly gain superpowers, yet here he is, a mere mortal who wears the trappings of fictional heroes. "I need to find something radioactive -- and fast," he decides. He refuses to be left out of the battle he knows is coming. "I started the darn thread. I should be playing a lead role!" He knows he's right, and by the seven moons of Kansas, he's going to do something about it. He takes the Greyhound to Smallville, and finds that not only is it deserted, it doesn't exist. Dragging his deluxe luggage cart across a wheat field, he's unsure what to do next. Suddenly, a meteor comes shooting out of the sky, landing smack dab in the middle of his Samsonite matched set. Horrified, he quickly checks to see if anything has survived. He is shocked to find all of his attire fried to a crisp, save one: his silver age Supergirl costume. Thinking it must be a sign, he quickly dons the blue miniskirted dress and red cape. A shiver quivers through him and he suddenly feels tingly and giddy. Euphorically, he leaps into the air and just keeps going. He can fly! Focusing on a far-off tree, it bursts into flames. He has heat vision! Focusing on a comely lass on a bicycle, he looks at her naughty bits. He has X-ray vision! It takes him a day and a half to move on to any more tests, but eventually he discovers that he has all of the powers of the mighty Silver Age Supergirl! It is time to join the fight! Nothing -- absolutely nothing -- can go wrong now that he's the silver age Supergirl about to battle in an Infinite Crisis, he thinks, smugly. To be continued...

I have big plans for Coinee the Conqueror! And thanks for being man enough to take a gentle ribbing. Besides, being a villain is cool. And so far, I have so few. I need more! I think some of the heroes may have to turn into villains. But don't worry -- I'll keep Ubiquiti a hero so you two can have a major brawl.

Joanna, anyone offended by your comedic creative writing can eat and . Thanks for the support Boc. Just for that, you won't die in chapter 7. But who will...? bwa ha ha ha ha!

Strange you should mention that -- Blackshotzy (who is no relation to hammer) is busy threatening Doyle in Grading and Restoration. It's like old times. Hey, LordRahl -- wanna be a villain? I'm really short of villains.

Because I need to bump this thread so I can find it easier later, I figured I'd do double duty by posting a correction, as well. The first sentence started with this: "Because the most retconned person on the boards is meth/hammer/blackshotzy/comic-keys, I think he needs a complete reworking." It should be changed to this: "Because the most retconned person on the boards is meth/hammer/comic-keys/none-of-whom-is-blackschotzy, I think he needs a complete reworking." Mr. Schotzy appears to have taken some offense at being lumped in with those other names. He feels it is a defamation of character for his made-up screen name to appear near that of other made-up names and a fictional character who is an aerobics instructor. I hope no one else here thinks, as Mr. Schotzy does, that this is somehow a factual record of events and not -- as it most assuredly is -- a fictional account. If any of you would like your screen name removed from the story, please inform me immediately, and I will make the required corrections. Unfortunately, the allowed editing time has expired for the earlier issues, so changes will have to take place in addendums, such as this, or in later issues of the story. I'll hold off posting any new additions to give anyone the chance to get their screen names removed. The purpose of this was not to offend, but to entertain. So let me know if you are, in fact, offended. -- Joanna

Boc, you are living up to your superhero name. Bravo! But this looks more like Dr. Gloom (if he'd used a paper bag instead of an oversized Snoopy lunchbox). Close enough! I'm glad you guys are enjoying my silliness. I just couldn't let Khaos's thread die, and once I got started, I couldn't stop. Now, of course, I wish I'd fleshed out some of the earlier issues because suddenly I'm having to write a really looong one just to make up for lost time. And for anyone reading who hasn't spoken up: if you want to be included just put your name in this thread. If you have a power or name preference, add that and I'll probably either ignore it or turn it against you. Coming up: heroes become villains, villains become heroes, big fights, someone dies. Don't take anything personally, it's all meant in fun (and sometimes I'm just grasping at straws because I can't think of a good name or power, or I need someone to do something stupid just because.). -- Joanna

Issue 7, Part Two: Someone dies. "Where can I go to talk to people who collect trading cards?" "Trading cards? What are they?" Chrisco37 turns away from the perplexed men staring at empty SGC slabs. "It's happening too fast. Another forum is gone. Why am I the only one who remembers it? Why am I talking out loud instead of thinking these things? Are thought balloons sooo difficult to write?" Two men bump into Chrisco, knocking him down, but don't appear to notice. "It's Dupcak. I know it. He's behind this whole thing." "Behind what?" asks Chrisco, getting lightly to his feet. "The missing forums? You know who's behind it?" The men stop, wary and cautious and other words that mean the same thing. "Who are you? And how do you know about the missing forums?" "Chrisco37. And I just... remember." "I'm fantastic_four and this is clobberintime. We remember, too." "Finally! We have to do something!" "We were on our way to get dipped in radioactive acid. Wanna come?" "Sure!" Meanwhile... "It's George Bush's fault." "No way. Clinton did it." "Okay, I've finished my cup of water. I think I'll go back to the comics forum," says Ubiquiti, opening the door to the main screen. "Holy inexplicable bubbling black skies! What is that?" Ubiquiti is joined by a bunch of coinees who scream girlishly and run to their own forum. Standing alone, Ubi makes a dash for General Comics. Dam, Bronzebruce, Zonker, Mushroom, Cosmicbob, Odin, Old guy, and Hkp hurry him inside then slam the server shut. "What is it?" asks Dam. "I don't know, but it's all over the place. It was munching on the SGC Registry earlier and had already eliminated the Testing, 1... 2... 3... area in the General Discussion. It almost got me as I passed!" Ubiquity paces nervously, unsure how to attack something that isn't named Bugaboo. "We're going to need to band together to fight this thing. That means we'll need comraderie, a sense of brotherhood, tight costumes, and superpowers." "Dibs on the tight costumes!" shouts Cosmicbob. Maybe that will get Shulkie to notice me... he thinks. "I didn’t get the name Mushroom because I like fungus on my pizza. I have a special stash of spaceshrooms in my preferences file. Each one should have different effects, so be prepared for some wacky results." "Wacky this. I'm not eating any stupid spaceshroom. I've got peyote." "Peyote doesn't give you superpowers." "Makes you think you have'em." Old guy smiles, remembering a self-discovery in his youth that is best left unexplained. "Get the 'shrooms," says bronzebruce with a heroic lifting of his chin. "We're CGC forum members. Men of action. Perfect physical specimens with classic good looks, moral fibre that knows right from wrong, and a selfless will to save others. It should get us some chicks, too." With that, all the men let out a resounding "Boo yah!" and go shopping for spandex. Meanwhile again... "I'm a big, yellow brick. What the [!@#%^&^] kind of super person is a big, yellow brick?" asks Chrisco, staring at his biggish, yellowish, brickish form in the mirror. Clobby steps back in awe. "You're... you're... butter! THE butter! You're the immortal butter brick from the cabin!" "Butter does taste better than Crisco, I have to admit. Okay, you can call me The Brick!" fantastic_four punches The Brick but nothing happens. "You're invulnerable, immortal and greasy. Man, you really lucked out!" "So what can you guys do?" The Brick asks. "Clobby smash!" Raising both hands above his head, clobberintime smashes them down on a stick of balsa wood. It is unharmed. "eep -- that's not it. Ow ow ow ow ow." "I can't stretch or turn invisible," moans fantastic_four. "What good is taking a bath in radioactive acid if you just end up fatally injured?" "Clobby flame on!" With a grunt of concentration, clobberintime tries to become a ball of flame, but only manages to pull a groin muscle. "Ow ow owowow!" "That's not how you do it," ff says. "You do it like this: flame on!" Instantly, ff is a ball of fire. "Well, whaddaya know? Call me Flame War" "Must be all the practice with hammer," mumbles Clobby. Ashamed that he is without powers, he turns invisible. "Where'd he go?" asks Brick. "He was here a second ago." "I'm still here! What, am I invisible now? Call me--" "Where'd-He-Go," say Brick and Flame War in bold, so that the lame name will stick. "Veeery funnny, guys." Stay tuned for Part 3 (sorry this issue is so long, but I'm trying to work in as many forumites as possible and I still have to kill someone)

Issue 7, Part One: Someone Dies "Look! In the sky! What the...?" Darthdiesel doesn't feel like looking. He has a new shipment from CGC and knows it's all about the grades. Will his son eat? Wll his wife play naughty umpire with his corked bat? If he has some 10's you bet she will! "There's 3 of them!" The crowd is growing thicker, mumbles turning to shouts as all eyes focus upward. Unable to resist, Darth glances toward the sky and nearly drops his box of fragile slabs. "Holy moley...!" he whispers. "It's them! It's the JBH!" A woman standing next to him taps him on the shoulder. "JBH?" "The Justa Buncha Heroes! They were huge way back in the olden days. But I thought they were all retired, or dead, or playing Scrabble in the park. I can't believe it -- the frickin' JBH! See the big round thing?" "You mean that flying donut? "No, that's Flying Donut. And through his middle is Lighthouse. And buzzing next to them is Spelling Bee! Damn, what I wouldn't give to join them." "Well," says the woman, hesitating just a bit. "I do have a radioactive raspberry in my purse. You could eat it and see what happens." For some reason, this seems quite logical to Darth. "'Kay!" He hands her his box of slabs - something he'd never do if he weren't pumped up on visions of heroic deeds with the JBH -- and chomps down the raspberry. Suddenly, it feels as though his entire body is being ripped apart from the inside. His screams of agony get a laugh or two from gman and shuley who are nearby, but soon even their guffaws are silenced. The crowd slowly parts to reveal Darth standing proudly, chest outthrust, buttocks lunging skyward, privates covered by a leaf and two stems in all his female glory. "By the seven moons of Penthouse, I've become Raspberry Toaster Pastry! My wife is gonna kill me." But after a moment's thought, he adds, "I soooo need to videotape us making out." "Focus, RTP. You wanted to join the JBH, remember?" the woman reminds him. "Oh yeah, right. The JBH. Got it. Um... so what sort of powers do you think I have?" "Touch your right breast and you have the ability to make anything rise. Touch your left breast and you'll get a noxious stream of white goo that can entrap nearly anything." "How do you know all this?" "My brother put some on his Corn Flakes. The powers last 24 hours. Here's the rest of the bag." She hands him a Glad Sandwich Bag with several raspberries in it." "Don't you have a Ziplock? They'll fall out." "Do you want them or not?" "Yoink!" he says, grabbing the bag. Then he touches his right breast, groans happily, and shoots into the air. Meanwhile... "Why are we here, puny human?" booms Dr. Gloom. "This bites, '!" adds Coinee. "Silence! When you address the Archi-Moderator you must speak humbly and with humility and obsequiousness." Deena-myte slaps Coinee who begins crying like a baby. "I'm telling your Mom!" he whimpers. Gemma-Mint gives him a grape sucker, and that quiets him for the nonce. "Sucker. Mmmm." "You have performed well, my minions," says Archi-Moderator in his sepulchral voice. "But we have a small problem. Three men are even now approaching, readying for an attack." Dr. Gloom and Coinee watch as the JBH draws ever closer. "They are no match for Dr. Gloom!" says Dr. Gloom. "My knowledge of the ways of old butter alone will fell them." "Yeah, well, this really isn't a butter thing," says Archi. "I've put my Invisibles out there to intercept them. But this proves that not everyone has been fooled by the anti-forum cloud. Somehow they knew about the other forums." "There are other forums?" asks Coinee. "Silence, fool!" shouts Dr. Gloom. "Anyone with a brain knows there are other forums!" Beat. "So, um, which of the 'other forums' are you talking about, Archi? The... um... mphrbpl forum?" "Liar!" screams Coinee. "You don't know about the other forums. You lied! You're a liar! You're a , a turd and a liar!" The Archi-Moderator waves his hand and zippers appear on the mouths of both Coinee and Dr. Gloom. "Srike one. Now shut up and listen. I need you to go to all of the remaining forums and cause panic. Neutralize any other heroes so that nothing can interfere with my plans. Can you do that?" Both men nod. "Excellent. Go." He waves his hand and they disappear. Part Two of Issue 7 coming soon...

Issue 6: Ebony Skies Three men stand in a darkened alley, their figures shrouded by heavy overcoats, their shoulders hunched against the chill of winter's last, wheezing breaths. "4 forums have been destroyed already, and I fear ours is next." "The Philatelist board is gone and it's as if it was never there. When I mention it, no one seems to even remember it existed." "Same with the Beany Baby Boards. Gone. Pfft." "And the film collectables. Posters, photos, memorabilia -- and not a single person has any memory of them. They can't just disappear! I have SO many posters! What the hell am I going to do with a bunch of oversized pictures? Hang them on my wall?" "We remember. And that means we have to do something. It's time we came out of retirement." A hush seems to fall on the empty streets. Background traffic sounds fade into the night and even the chill breeze stops rustling the papers and societal detritus lining the gutters. Slowly, one of the men removes his overcoat, revealing the glitter of silver spandex topped with maroon boxers and matching epaulets. His eyes glow momentarily, a beacon in the ebony mist. "It's time for this House to light the way again." "Hiding in plain sight. They never suspected us," says a chuckling round man with a giant hole through his middle. "I'll do some reconnaissance." With a nod to his friends, he launches himself into the night, his overcoat falling away to reveal the disappearing form of a Flying Donut. "Well I wasn't 'hiding in plain sight'. I mean, what kind of superhero name is 'PovertyRow'? The ability to look homeless?" Lighthouse laughs softly. "Oh, come on, Spelling Bee, no one was falling for that 'I make soooo many typos!" act." "Says who they weren't!" "The only one I worried about was Joanna, since she's such a grammar queen. I thought she was onto you." "She as idiotic as the rest. No worries there." The Bee shakes off his coat revealing an oversized yellow and black costume with an extra pair of arms, large, fuzzy antenna shaped like dice, and a giant stinger glued to his butt. "Where's Donut? He should be back by now." "Getting antsy?" "Ha. Ha. Another insect joke. " "You know how Golden Age humor is. A little corny, a little old-fashioned, but they did it first, by gum. They did it first." "'Nuff said, House." At that moment, Donut returns, his face ashen in the glaring light of House's eyes. "Dear God, we're doomed..." he sputters, then dunks himself in a coffee-colored puddle and passes out. Meanwhile... Far above the multiple forums, a sinister presence watches a bank of monitors. He sees Bee and House trying to revive Donut. He sees N'Superable showering together. He sees Trimmer pour his fourth glass of Mogen David. He sees Mylite being probed by Borack, prior to slabbing. But his attention is on Coinee and Dr. Gloom. "Yes..." he whispers. "Soon." Back to the GA forum... Donut flies toward the nothingness with unerring aim, House looped inside his giant hole, Bee buzzing at his side. "Do you see it?" he asks. "What? I don't see anything!" shouts Bee over the sound of his wings. House focuses his eyes, illuminating the surrounding area as if it were daytime, yet ahead there is only blackness. "It's as if light can't penetrate." "Nothing can. It's the Penalty Box. Somehow, it's all in there. I know it is. I can feel it." "What is?" "The missing worlds! Threads begin and disappear. They have to go somewhere! Perhaps the beany babies and the stamps and the movie memorabilia and all the other collectables are there as well." "It's a theory," said Bee. "And so far, it's the only one we've got." High above... His wrests his attention from Dr. Gloom and Coinee as he sees the three heroes approaching. "Fools. You don't know what you're doing. No one can defeat... The Archi-Moderator!" Next issue: Someone dies.

Issue 5: Of Villains and Heroes News of Coinee's comic destruction had made it to the ears of Joe Collector. "I knew it was all going to come crashing down. I told them! I told them! But did anyone listen to me? With my enormous intellect and wit, they should've hung upon my every lavish word, but no. I was without respect from those FOOLS! Those PUNY COMIC COLLECTORS! They'll PAY for this... with their useless slabbed moderns!" Knowing that the universe was being destroyed without him and he had to hurry to catch up, he cut two eyeholes in his extra-large Snoopy lunchbox, jammed it onto his enormous cranium and safety-pinned a towel around his neck, proclaiming himself to be Dr. Gloom! Meanwhile, three lads in a Volkswagon Jetta are having an argument. Supapimp claims that despite Justin's solo career, N'Sync is dead -- gone the way of Menudo and the Backstreet Boys. Bonds agrees, but with hesitation. In his mind, Justin is still a comer and has a few years left. Ariach continues to snore in the back seat, dreaming in rhyming couplets. Or coupling with dreamy rhymes. Or maybe he had just passed out. Supa draws up to Batchelor of Comix's house and honks twice. Boc runs from the front door, does a cartwheel, throwing his hands back like a Romanian gymnast waiting for applause. "You'll never believe what happened!" he shouts. "I've found her! The woman who'll take the 'bachelor' out of my title once and for all!" "Who is she?' the 3 lads ask in unison. "My sweet, sweet Urethra!" "We can wait. Go do your business, man," mumbles Pimpy. "No, no! That's her name! Urethra Jackson. I saw her today on cops. She's a 437 pound ex-supermodel from Biloxi whose kids just got taken away because her trailer is a sty. Isn't that great? No kids! She's like heaven on earth. Or like a big fluffy cloud. A storm cloud. With a tornado for a heart and hands like pancakes. I've got to meet her." "Well, hop in, man, let's book!" Boc jumps in the back, waking Araich, while Supa turns the Jetta south, toward Biloxi. Suddenly, an alien craft hovers above them, showering them with radiation and Lemon Pledge. Before they have time to react, it's gone. Shocked, the quartet looks around and realizes that they are all wearing very tight yellow spandex. "Wha happened?" Bonds asks. "I dunno," Bonds answers. "Shut up, you guys," says Bonds. That's when Bonds realizes he has just split into a dozen people. "I shall call myself Alias he says in unison with all his others Bonds's. Supa notices he's become a giant, wooly mammoth. "Shi'ite, man -- this is frogging bizarre! I'm a Supafreak!" "What does a mammoth have to do with anything?" mutters one of the Bonds. Araich shrugs, then feels a strange pain in his belly. He opens his shirt only to see The Cartoon Network playing on a screen where once was his stomach. "And I've turned into a human satellite dish! Maybe none of these make sense." After thinking a moment or two, he says, "Call me Dishman! Or, or... Cableguy! No, wait -- Abs of Surreal! Or--" "Shut up, Rerun" said Boc. "No, that's the guy on What's Happenin!" Silence. "That's gonna stick, isn't it?" "It's in bold, dork. Of course it is." "Sigh." Boc suddenly realizes that he hasn't found out what his power is. Immediately, he strips, to make sure nothing has gone missing. Everything is there in its original size. "What can I do?" He tries stretching, turning invisible, flying, and farting. Only the last is achievable. "No powers? What a rip!" Suddenly, he becomes an enormous smiley that rips itself in two. "Co" "ol," he says. "I'm Emoticon!. "We need a team name," says Rerun. "The Fantastic Four!" proclaims Emoticon. "Taken," says Supafreak. "I know! We'll be N'Superable!" says Alias. "Huh?" "Based on 'insuperable'? Impossible to overcome, get rid of, or deal with successfully? Like to villains, we'd be insuperable -- you get it?" Eventually, after finding a dictionary and a thesaurus, they got it. And thus, The N'Superables were born!

Issue 4: For Whom the Bug Tolls! While riding his tricycle home from work, Bugaboo gets caught in the radiation from an experimental Black Flag flea and tick bomb. He is blown onto his back, legs and arms flailing helplessly in the air as his life passes before his eyes. He spies a pay phone and, by a systematic clenching and unclenching of his posterior cheek muscles, manages to scootch his way over, hoping his Dad will come pick him up. However, when he tries to grab a quarter, he realizes that his pocket change has formed a thin, metal skin across his entire body. Calling himself the The Coinee Crusader, he decides to destroy any who would speak against the multitudes of coin collectors. He focuses his rage on comic book fans -- those whom once he loved -- thinking that those imbecilic upstarts don't know a good thing (coins) when they see'em. His anti-comic rampages become legendary as he stomps from house to house, peeing on longboxes and tossing a few state quarters in his wake to "pay for the loss of old, useless paper". One of his first victims is KostumeKween (pre-crisis ID: MajorKhaos). The Coinee Crusader not only destroys KK's comic collection, but also his Captain Janeway tunic, his Rogue leotard and his Lois Lane man-bait orange dress. KostumeKween is reduced to a weeping, blonde-wigged tangle of fishnet stockings, vowing that he is too traumatized to do his Black Canary appearane at the Tucson Truck'n'Tack shop that evening. Coinee tosses him a New Hampshire quarter, saying, "Your career is as over as the mountain this coin was based on, manchild. Get some focus in your life and find yourself a full-step Jefferson!" Leaving a wake of .5 destruction in his path, The Coinee Crusader battles it out with The Trimmer (pre-crisis ID: hammer) when he inevitably finds himself in the heart of Fresno. Trimmer battles valiantly, shouting, "I'll show you what toning is!" but it's to no avail. The Coinee Crusader attacks by trying to bounce an Indian Head nickel off Trimmer's abs. When the nickel gets caught in a love handle, Trimmer is banned for life from his aerobics class. Is there anyone who can stop The Coinee Crusader? Stay tuned for more of Crisis On Infinite Message Boards...

Issue 3: The Transformation of greggy! Tired of the constant innuendo and snide remarks on the forum, greggy retires to his viewing room, to gaze at his enormous collection of sweet, sweet DCs. Outside, a storm is brewing, but greggy has no fear within his pulp-filled temple. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes, melding him with a longbox of bronze age romance comics. Startled, but feeling unharmed, he rises only to discover that he has been transformed into Mylite The Conqueror -- able to make all men feel effeminate in comparison, and all women to swoon at the very sight of his forbidden beauty. Donning a costume made of fused mylars, Mylite begins his quest for world conquest at a Burger King. The moment he walks through the door, men's wrists go limp, women swoon, and the manager asks him to frickin put some clothes on that aren't see-through. Mylite smites the manager, after asking for his order to go. A whirlwind of destrution follows as no man is willing to stand up to him (though many offer to kneel) and no woman can resist him (though many offer to grade him, if he'll just remove the mylar). The earth his for the taking, Mylite realizes that's it's all too easy. There are no challenges left. He longs for the days when his clothes weren't made of transparent archival plastic, and other humans could gaze at him without lust. A broken, bitter hero, he loses a month of his life in an internet cafe drinking latés and telling anyone who'll listen how he was once had the highest post count on the CGC forums. With no one left to care about true glories like that, he uses his contest-winner coupon from the colletor's society to have himself slabbed. In the airless chamber, as his life ebbs, he congratulates himself on being a 9.6, though rues the day he stubbed his big toe, as the bruise knocked him down from a 9.8.

Issue 2 of Crisis on Infinite Message Boards: The Fate of MajorKhaos! Fearing the penalty box, Khaos retires his superhero name and begins wandering from con to con, looking for direction. Depressed and craving the sugar he knows he cannot have, he inadvertently ends up in a costume contest at the Mid-Ohio con. To his shock and delight, he wins! As the judges put it, "With your finely-etched features, saucy legs and hairy back, you made the perfect Saturn Girl!" With a renewed sense of purpose, Khaos begins his reign as KostumeKween, hopping from con to con with 7 suitcases full of spandex, aluminum foil and a twill weave. When other wannabes drop out at the mere sight of his satin pumps, he realizes that he must conquer other worlds. Soon he's seen as "Evil Willow" at the Jacksonville Bufferama, as "Season Five Xena, the Pregnant Warrior" at the Fort Lee Xena con and as a very special 7 of 9 based on some slash Deep Space 9 fanfic at the Seattle "Where No Man Has Gone Before" con. Drunk with power, and sensing his own tragic fall, he gives up his quest for spandex glory to sit in front of a computer posting as Pugapoo, the naughty but lovable forum troll who spends his days copying all of Bug's posts backwards. In this new mirror world, the former MajorKhaos finds love and contentment with a cat named Whisker n' Soda, and their pet fleas, the Dancing Wallendas. -- Joanna

Because the most retconned person on the boards is meth/hammer/blackshotzy/comic-keys, I think he needs a complete reworking. Known now as "The Trimmer" because his new origin is as an aerobics instructor in Fresno, with superpowers that allow him to magically trim the fat off of the middle-aged, alcoholic, ex-wives of Fresno's mid-level executives. Once, he dreamed of being in the ballet, but his hopes were dashed by chronic hamstring problems. Now, an embittered, balding, Richard Simmons wannabe, he spends his nights drinking Mogen David wine while yelling catty remarks at the women on reality shows.

From GA to SA to now: H. G. Peters Kurt Schaffenberger Curt Swan Neal Adams George Perez

It depends on what kind of magnets they are, but there are licensed cover magnets out there. My fridge sports some Sensation Comics, Wonder Woman and Superman -- all golden age covers. They're mighty cool and perfectly legit, if they're from the same licensing company. -- Joanna