I Am Here Because This Is Where I Am

[CSJournals-migration]

-Wherever you go, there you will be-

 

I had a flashback to day. A quick glimpse of my past that will never fade from my memories. I remember vividly...sitting on a steel stool mounted into concrete. I was looking out a window, not even a hand's width across, while leaning on a metal table mounted into the concrete wall. The sun was shining through the window and was slowly saying goodbye to me.I felt its warmth wither away as it left me to the dark night. No longer would I be able to see miles and miles of desert. No longer would I be able to see dry shrubs liven the dead landscape. Darkness had come once again to take over my hope...my ambition. Another day gone. Alone. Nervous.Anxious. One thought crossed my mind..."I am here, because this is where I am."

 

When I would daydream, I would daydream of my high school girlfriend. I would daydream of the comics I used to collect. I would daydream of Wolverine, of Spiderman, and of Superman. Why couldn't I be one of them? Why couldn't I have a different life? Why couldn't I be someone else?

 

My life as a child had ended. I was forced to conform. I was forced to man-up prematurely. Yet, I was solely responsible for placing myself in such a position. I chose my destiny. I made my bed and had to sleep in it...which was also mounted to the wall. My super-heroes died to me. My childhood was no more. My last comic book I remember holding was G.I. Joe #21...ironically, "the silent issue".

 

For 4 1/2 years, I remained silent to the world. I existed no more to them. This was my darkness...and super-heroes had no place in there...no place at all. They all died with my childhood. My life and dreams were no more...

 

But there was hope....

 

See more journals by Firefly

[FIREFLY]

-Some 'friends' are only friends when give them a reason to be-

 

After 4 1/2 years...full of fervor, full of passion, full of wonder and hope, I realized that I wasn't 19 anymore. I was older. I was more mature than people expected me to be. I was bolder, I was harder and more calloused about the reality we live in. After seeing people beat up to a pulp, stabbed, die in their sleep, get sick to the point of death...wouldn't you be?

 

Funny...my father came to pick me up. After all these years, he finally decided to show up and try to be a part of my life...my new life. We stayed at a hotel for a couple of days and then found an apartment. He wasn't there for me before all this happened...he left after a couple months.

 

It didn't fade me. Got used to it after a year or two in the darkness. Funny...I thought I had friends. I thought I had a girlfriend. They all left me after a month in darkness. Like my super-heroes disappeared from me...so did my 'close friends'. My mother had me at birth, by herself in the hospital while my father was at the local bar...and she was there the whole time for me, even thereafter. Friends? I had to relearn what it meant to have them again. My mindset was confused and twisted let alone suffering from arrested development. Indeed...life had just started.

 

I found a girl shortly after that I wooed and convinced to go out with me. She was very special to me. Interesting enough, she had a boyfriend that she broke up with after she met me. Had no idea, but he was psycho, car chases and all). But I was not psycho. I was a changed man with a short leash. No time to be a hero. She got to know my mother.

 

Shortly after, she died. She fell asleep with candles in her room and got burned alive. She always used to sing to me, "Champagne Supernova" by Oasis. Yes, I remember now. She used to accentuate "...faster than a cannonball..."

 

I had no money or friends, and one JC Penney department store card in my name. Where were my super-heroes.

 

But there was hope...

[FIREFLY]

-It is what it is, but it will never be what it once was-

 

I am home now from San Diego. It was truly a dream come true and running errands like crazy for people made me feel alive. One of the main reasons I went was to see the Smallville panel and I missed it because I was waiting for a toy for someone. That's the only bitterness I hold from the whole experience being that it was the last SDCC panel for the show. Such is life. It was nice to be in back in CA for several days. Meeting new people, sharing good times with some buddies, seeing true colors shine from certain people, eating good food...it was a blessing indeed.

 

I came back home to face the depression and angst once again. I just found out that we didn't get an apartment because of my tainted background. My wife has been crying her eyes off almost everyday since I've been gone because "we have no money and we live below the poverty line". Yes, my friends, my family lives on welfare, we are housed by her parents, and I am a stay at home father. All because this God forsaken state does not allow me to work and refuses to allow me to live in ideal and safe neighborhoods. Companies are scared to have me even work as a janitor. I've been trying since October to get a job. I hold a BA in Social Sciences and an MA in Education Counseling. I am a Qualified Mental Retardation Professional and Qualified Mental Health Professional, yet this state and its people will not give me the opportunity to provide for my family due to their lack of forgiveness.

 

And now, my brother in law has moved in, the loser that he is, and it's only a matter of time before I teach him some manners the hard way being that he continues to think he's 19 years old. Life for us has been hell since I moved out here. Everyday has been HELL. As if my past wasn't enough drama for one to bear.

 

It's funny...all I wanted to do was have a little section of life to call my own...to dream...to wish...to live vicariously through the characters I read about...Superman, Spiderman, etc. What's even funnier...no one in my life has ever, ever given me credit for overcoming the overwhelming odds of recidivism. I never went back...after almost 20 years of being free of maliciousness and accomplishing great feats of academic and professional zeniths...I never went back.

 

Though my wife cries for our circumstances, though my little baby girl has everything handed down to her from clothes to toys, though the government pays for our food, I WILL NOT GIVE IN. I hustle and bustle to provide what I can. I work little odds and ends to pay back people I owe so that my name stays true to them. I will not give in to what I once was...and I will do whatever it takes to be that loving father I need to be and that strong husband I want to be.

 

I really wanted to continue my journals because it gave me a great venue to vent and be heard while going through these tough times. But I'm afraid it has come to an end. I truly enjoyed seeing my super-heroes come alive and be a part of my life for a short while. They gave me hope...they gave me a reason to live. I have done everything on earth to provide for my family and it has come down to this decision. My sacrifice is to let go of my dreams for now being that my little girl and my loving wife need me to be there for them in more ways than one. It was a decision I had thought about for awhile now and San Diego helped me make that clearer.

 

It has been a pleasure, my brothers, and many of you have made my time on the boards a truly awesome one. Great people and a wealth of knowledge to tap into. Made a couple of last purchases on feebay for some fellas. My SA collection was the first to go. The rest of it will go on the boards soon. Though my books will not make us rich, it will provide for the time being. What more could I ask for? I am grateful to even have them in my collection. It really saddens me to make such a decision, but coming home and facing my family's life from a fresh perspective, I know what I have to do now. I'd do anything for my little girl...she means the world to me. Thank you for lending me your ear and thank you to those who have supported and encouraged me throughout these tough times. I will always remember you all.

 

[A-DONIS]

Julio,

 

Although I've never met you in person, I feel as though we've been friends for years. The words spoken on your journal breaks a barrier that some of us face from time to time. Yes, we post our little comments back and forth on a board, but outside of this mega-pixel screen, we're all human. We have to face our daily demons just like any other superhero. However, the story doesn't always end with the good guys winning.

 

I applaud your drive to keep on fighting for your family. Most people would of given up and let go, but you haven't. Don't give up, ever. Family and friends are two greatest things life has to offer. Once cannot survive without the other.

 

So for that my friend, I again urge you to keep fighting for that which you hold dear.

 

If you need anything, I am just a PM away.

 

God Bless brother.

 

[decepticon]

Hey Julio,

 

Just trust in God and he'll be there for you and your family.. always pray and never lose faith.. always know God will be by your side. The comics can wait.. take care of your family first. and don't worry I'll hold a Marvel Premiere 15 for you!

 

Ken

[FIREFLY]

PMs to both of you.

[Sanj Mitra]

Hey Julio, wanted to re-affirm the sentiments of the others on these boards. You add so much to these boards. On a personal note, thanks for introducing me to CPG.

 

I am sure things will turn for you and the family.

 

Sanj

[FIREFLY]

-Perspectives-

I had to write this one down. My little girl is getting better after several days of sickness. I finally took her out of this stressful place to enjoy the sunlight and fresh air. All she looked forward to today was the "quack-quacks" at our local lake. I had missed our trips to the lake to feed the ducks and geese. God, can a person love anybody more than one's own child?

 

We saw a butterfly today. It was huge. It was beautiful. I usually don't notice things like that, but when I'm with my little girl, time seems to stand still. I could see clearer...I could forget what we are going through...I could dream of better days...and reminisce of even greater ones.

 

I pointed to it and said, "Look...butterfly." She then pointed to it and said, "bug". It hit me. I was reminded that I am entrusted to teach my little girl that there is more to life than what you actually see. That life is what you perceive it to be. Life is still real and concrete, but perspective is what makes it come ALIVE. Perspective is what changes life and reality to make it your own.

 

I was reminded of when I was a social worker and I would take my breaks in the lunch room reading Superman and ASM. I was jokingly teased by my co-workers for being "old" and reading funny books. Really? I chose to read them regardless, but I'd take advantage of the chance to educate them on my perspective. This was my way of changing what I saw and heard everyday.

 

Superman and ASM, two strong characters that constantly fight for truth and justice. When dealing with child abuse, child molestation, child endangerment, homelessness, mental illnesses, and so forth, every single day for a job...should they have teased me?

 

If I were Superman, I'd....

 

"Yes, Ella. It's a bug, but it's also a butterfly. Look at how pretty its wings are. Wowwwww. It's so prrrrretty", I explained while she smiled and gazed at it. I was happy to take her out today. She has such a beautiful smile.

 

Thank you, guys, for listening and for your kind words. Thank you for offering to donate clothes for my little one and thank you for the resume reviews and help with my trying to get a job. My family and I are most grateful and appreciative of your kindness.

 

Ella and I: 12/09

[NewEnglandGothic]

I'm so sorry Julio.

 

I've been away and this is the first I'm hearing about any of this.

 

When I get everything sorted in my life, I'll be in touch.

 

-J

[LloydJBailey]

Julio, you're a genuine guy, and I seriously wish you the best.

 

-Perspectives-

I had to write this one down. My little girl is getting better after several days of sickness. I finally took her out of this stressful place to enjoy the sunlight and fresh air. All she looked forward to today was the "quack-quacks" at our local lake. I had missed our trips to the lake to feed the ducks and geese. God, can a person love anybody more than one's own child?

 

We saw a butterfly today. It was huge. It was beautiful. I usually don't notice things like that, but when I'm with my little girl, time seems to stand still. I could see clearer...I could forget what we are going through...I could dream of better days...and reminisce of even greater ones.

 

I pointed to it and said, "Look...butterfly." She then pointed to it and said, "bug". It hit me. I was reminded that I am entrusted to teach my little girl that there is more to life than what you actually see. That life is what you perceive it to be. Life is still real and concrete, but perspective is what makes it come ALIVE. Perspective is what changes life and reality to make it your own.

 

I was reminded of when I was a social worker and I would take my breaks in the lunch room reading Superman and ASM. I was jokingly teased by my co-workers for being "old" and reading funny books. Really? I chose to read them regardless, but I'd take advantage of the chance to educate them on my perspective. This was my way of changing what I saw and heard everyday.

 

Superman and ASM, two strong characters that constantly fight for truth and justice. When dealing with child abuse, child molestation, child endangerment, homelessness, mental illnesses, and so forth, every single day for a job...should they have teased me?

 

If I were Superman, I'd....

 

"Yes, Ella. It's a bug, but it's also a butterfly. Look at how pretty its wings are. Wowwwww. It's so prrrrretty", I explained while she smiled and gazed at it. I was happy to take her out today. She has such a beautiful smile.

 

Thank you, guys, for listening and for your kind words. Thank you for offering to donate clothes for my little one and thank you for the resume reviews and help with my trying to get a job. My family and I are most grateful and appreciative of your kindness.

 

Ella and I: 12/09

[FIREFLY]

PM sent to you both.

 

 

 

[FIREFLY]

-Bitter Sweet Indeed-

 

After a year of being unemployed, I was blessed with an offer today! Decent salary and benefits, get to be a social worker for people with developmental disabilities again, and have a promise at being a Branch Manager sooner than expected. It has been a blessing indeed. But...

 

it's in California and I was requested to start ASAP. It's my old job, just another branch. What makes this bitter sweet to me and my family? Well, the maximum amount of time they were willing to wait for me was the first week of December. I accepted the offer on an insider tip that the agency was going to undergo a hiring freeze soon so I needed to jump on it.

 

I declared that I would be starting Dec.6, 2010. I will be missing Christmas. My wife graduates within a week of my departure. After all her hard work, I will not be there to cheer her on. And I will not be able to support her while I'm gone. Her Nursing Exam is in January. Most of all, I will be without my little girl for two months. =(

 

Interesting though. Maybe God wanted me to spend this whole time with my daughter during these stressful times. Maybe I was to be that stable parent while my wife racked her brains with school and studying 6-7 days/wk in an accelerated program. Maybe this was my time to help my little girl develop some stability. Maybe this whole year, regardless of all the drama, turmoil and hell we went through, was really a blessing in disguise.

 

I spent a year with my little girl. When I think about it now, it all just melts away. She really needed me to be there for her this whole time, not sent away to some daycare or with a babysitter...with me. Would they be able to comfort her during these messed up times we went through as a family? Most likely not. They have their place in people's lives, but for this time being, I was meant to be there.

 

I just smiled...

 

This was "our" year and no one can take that away.

 

The time without my wife and my angel will be rough, but I also know that during these tough economic times, I have to do what I have to do for the benefit of our family. Soon, my wife will be a practicing nurse with a sweet income and I will be on a short path toward admin. Surely, though we already knew this, this short two year period in VA taught us and reminded us that life is short and nothing should be taken for granted. I will take life for what it brings, both good and bad. It's never perfect and it doesn't owe me anything.

 

We had food, clothing, shelter, and our health this whole time. Blessings indeed showered us to cover our most basic needs. Regardless of my messed up past and upbringing, life sure has a funny way of reminding me where I came from, not to be ashamed of it and regret it, but to appreciate it even more for that is how I became who I am now. These constant reminders may last a couple of seconds and sometimes a couple of years. Either way, they always promise growth and wisdom.

 

Let's do this...

 

CA...I'm coming home.

 

 

[Bosco685]

Let's do this...

 

CA...I'm coming home.

 

Best of luck, Julio!

[medusanyc]

your turn of events made me smile. always wishing you the best

 

-andy

[FIREFLY]

Let's do this...

 

CA...I'm coming home.

 

Best of luck, Julio!

 

your turn of events made me smile. always wishing you the best

 

-andy

 

 

Thanks, guys. Just bought my one way ticket for 12/1/10. Feel very nervous...

I think I am more nervous about the flight than of moving across the states again.

 

Maybe I can make this Thanksgiving a ChristThanksGivingMas.

[NewEnglandGothic]

Thanks, guys. Just bought my one way ticket for 12/1/10. Feel very nervous...

I think I am more nervous about the flight than of moving across the states again.

 

Maybe I can make this Thanksgiving a ChristThanksGivingMas.

Good luck, Julio. I'm rooting for you.

[oakman29]

Good luck Julio. Where in California will you be living?

[FIREFLY]

Thanks, guys. Just bought my one way ticket for 12/1/10. Feel very nervous...

I think I am more nervous about the flight than of moving across the states again.

 

Maybe I can make this Thanksgiving a ChristThanksGivingMas.

Good luck, Julio. I'm rooting for you.

 

 

Good luck Julio. Where in California will you be living?

 

 

Thanks, Jerel and Dave. I'm very excited about this opportunity as I have been out of practice for awhile now. I'll pretty much be doing the same thing, except I'll be working with young adults now trying to get into college while living with epilepsy, autism, and other developmental disabilities. Loving it.

 

I had applied to both Central Coast and Southern CA, but only Central sped up their process. Usually takes 6 months til' hired. Wanted to live in San Diego again, but this job is in Santa Maria. Who knows, maybe San Diego will call me by then and offer me more cash? Either way, I'll be doing the same thing at both places, but for now it's the Central Coast. hoping to stay with a friend or something until I can accumulate enough cash to find a rental for when my family comes 2 months later.

 

On a side note, this morning I was making the bed with my little one. For a split second, my mind stalled as I looked at my little girl. Not sure if this has happened before to those that have kids, but for that split second I thought to myself, "Who is this little girl in front of me. I can't believe that she's mine...she came from ME." It was such a surreal feeling knowing that this little girl was brought to life by my wife and I. Truly a blessing from God. After all I've been through and all the things I've done in life...how can this little pure angel be mine?

 

I'm basking in every second that I can spend with her right now.

[chrisco37]

Awesome news!

[bryan91]

Congratulations Julio! I am so happy for you. I hope everything works out for the best for you guys.