Crisis On Infinite Message Boards 6 6

[Joanna]

A little bedtime story.

 

Issue 11, Part 11: What do You know, Joe?

 

Appearing in this issue:

 

Sgt. Rocky (Awe4one) Super strength

Damp Dude (Elvis) Aqua powers

Magic Tape (Scottish) stickiness

Go Go (Speedjunkies) Superspeed

Zilla (Zillatoy) Ninja dinosaur

Ape (CD4ever) Shape shifter

Chrome Dome (Chromium) power over metal

 

Issue 11, Part 11: What do You know, Joe?

 

"Get down! Incoming!!" Sgt. Rocky pulls at Zilla's head, trying to get the enormous dinosaur to duck behind the walls of the foxhole. A grenade explodes nearby showering them with dirt. "Anyone hit?"

 

"We're okay," say Magic Tape and Damp Dude.

 

"I repelled all the fragments, Sarge!" says Chrome Dome.

 

"Good work, Dome. Keep up the negative charge so that no stray bullets find any of our men. Everybody -- conference!"

 

The men crawl over to Rocky's position, their faces dirtied, their fancy costumes in tatters.

 

"We need to find a portal, don't we, Sarge?" says Ape. The others nod agreement.

 

"Are you kidding? We're in the middle World War freaking II -- the big one! And you want to give that up?" Rocky tilts his helmet so that he appears just a tad more war-weary. "We're living a dream, boys!"

 

"Maybe your dream, but not mine," says Damp Dude. "I'm Navy, remember? I should be out scouting U-boats or something."

 

"We need you here, boy. We need everyone if we're going to burn those Nazis and send Hitler to an early grave! Or do you want to speak German for the rest of your life?"

 

"Yeah... uh, Sarge? That speech only works if you don't know that we won this war," says Ape.

 

"It's a little difficult getting all worked up about it," says Go Go. "And explain again why I can't just run at superspeed to the German line, grab all their guns and stop this whole 'we're under attack' scenario?"

 

"It wouldn't be fair."

 

"But Dome deflecting all their bullets is?"

 

"Purely a defensive move. Different thing entirely. Now, listen up. Somehow, we have to move in against the German line and disarm them. Anyone have any ideas?" Rocky searches the eyes of his men, hoping to find a hero willing to risk certain death.

 

"I have one," says Go Go. "Why don't I run at superspeed to the German line and grab all their guns."

 

"Are you willing to make that sacrifice? It's suicide!"

 

"Not really. When I run that fast, no one can see me. And I can see bullets like they were sent snail mail. It's not a problem."

 

"I can't allow it. You'd surely die. Anyone else have an idea?"

 

Rocky feels a tap on his shoulder. He looks up to see Go Go carrying dozens of German firearms. "Here. The Germans are all tied up to that apple tree over there. Now can we look for a portal?"

 

"Damn those Solar Powers jerks," says Zilla. "Why couldn't we have been sent to the Cretaceous? WWII is no place for a dinosaur. I could've kicked but in the freaking Cretaceous, but noooo. We have to live out Rocky's fantasy."

 

"I was hoping for Noah's Ark," says Damp Dude. "I could've rocked in a huge flood."

 

"It really doesn’t matter to me," says Ape. "Shape shifters fit in anywhere."

 

"Shut up!" Rocky glares at his men. "There's a bridge down yonder. Our orders are to blow it up. That'll stop the enemy supply line."

 

"Orders? From who?" asks Magic Tape.

 

"Whom," says Ape.

 

Suddenly, they hear a large explosion. The bridge in the distance crumbles into dust. Go Go suddenly appears, wiping his hands. "Done. Now can we search for a portal? By the way, I've already looked around here, it's not in France. We may have to go somewhere else."

 

"I vote for Belgium!" says Chrome Dome. "I speak the language and can fit in like a native."

 

"Fine," says Rocky, defeated. "We'll go to Belgium. But dammit, we're gonna crawl the whole way."

 

"Scratch Belgium," says Go Go, suddenly reappearing again. "Just looked. It's not there. Anyone for Italy?"

 

"Merde," says Dome. "I mean -- gosh darn it."

 

"I'm bored. Let's find another battle," says Zilla.

 

"Yeah, well, I sorta disabled most of the Germans in this area," admits Go Go sheepishly. "I could go back and untie a bunch of them."

 

"Great!" says Rocky. "Or better yet -- maybe the portal is in Germany! Maybe it's in Hitler's bunker! Let's go!"

 

Magic Tape jumps backward against Zilla's side and sticks. He grabs one of the confiscated German weapons and shouts, "I call shotgun!"

 

"Damn Tape always does that. And I always end up on the freaking tail," mumbles Damp Dude, grabbing onto a spikey plate on Zilla's tail.

 

The rest of the men take their places. "Hyah!" shouts Rocky, straddling Zilla's head.

 

"Bet this would never have happened in the Cretaceous," grumbles Zilla.

 

Against the backdrop of smoke and war-torn France, the Hero Squadron begins the trek to Nazi Germany.

 

To be Continued...

 

 

 

[PovertyRow]

DC War!

[chromium]

"Scratch Belgium," says Go Go, suddenly reappearing again. "Just looked. It's not there. Anyone for Italy?"

 

[BigMan]

Creature Commandos......

[PovertyRow]

Haunted Tanks and Enemy Aces!

[BigMan]

Don't forget Johnny Cloud and Dinosaur SSWS covers....

[PovertyRow]

Oh yeah! Dinosaurs were a great fave of mine! Haven't thought about them until you just happened along!

[BigMan]

By the Way Good Job Joanna....

[BigMan]

Definately some of the best Silver Age War Covers ....

[Joanna]

Okay, you guys figured me out. And I thought I was being clever by disguising some so that you wouldn't know what was going on until later. But this means I can be more blatant. So get ready for Comic Book Genres Across Time (already in progress)!

 

Issue 11, Part 12: Howdy, Pardner, I'm Terrified

 

Appearing in this issue:

 

The Brick (Crisco) invulnerable

Flame War (Fantastic Four) Flame power

Where'd He Go (Clobberintime) invisibility

Dr. Gloom (Joe Collector) makes things crash

Lord Rawl (Lord Rahl) mind control

 

 

Issue 11, Part 12: Howdy, Pardner, I'm Terrified

 

Clapboard storefronts creak in the swirling breeze that pushes a tumbleweed across the dirt street like a child pushing a hoola hoop. Horses with gritty saddles line the street, patiently waiting for their riders' return. 3 Men with six-guns at each hip, spurs on their boots, and a star on their chests stroll the plank sidewalk, tipping their hats to a woman who flounces past in a full-skirted hurry. There is a buzz of excitement that even strangers from the future can feel.

 

"I think we're in the old west," says Where'd He Go.

 

"I dunno -- cowboys, horses, a school marm, a saloon, some lawmen, a tumbleweed -- ya think??" says Flame War.

 

"I think I see saguaros in that area past town. We might be in Arizona," says The Brick.

 

"The question isn't where are we -- it's why are we here? Last thing I remember is charging at the agents in the time stream. One second I'm flaming on and the next -- poof! I'm in the old west. This just doesn't happen!"

 

"Perhaps it does when you're in the time stream! Ever think of that? Huh?" The Brick is a little tired of the constant flaming from Flame War.

 

"Do we get to dress up like cowboys?" asks WheG.

 

"I don't intend to be here long enough," says Flame War. "Obviously, we need to search for a portal. Besides, we don't have any money that would work in the 1800s. It's not like we're coinees or something."

 

"No problem," says WheG. "What size do you wear?"

 

"Wachoo talking about, WheG?"

 

"I'm the invisible man, remember? And when I turn invisible, every non-living thing I touch also turns invisible. That's why you don't see empty clothes walking around. So I figure I can slip into that General Store, nab us some cool duds and voila -- we're cowboys!"

 

"It would help us to blend in."

 

"Oh yes, great plan!" says Brick. "No one will look at a large brick of butter wearing Levis and a cowboy hat as odd! We'll slip right under their radar."

 

"Well, WheG and I don't look like freaks. It'll work for the two of us. Go get the clothes, WheG. And guns, too."

 

"I want guns!" says Brick. "And a hat. And spurs. And chaps. Oh, go get me the whole thing. I hope they have a big and square section in the store."

 

"I'll do my best." He disappears.

 

"I hope he doesn't blow it," mumbles Flame War.

 

"He's not the brightest bulb in the Sylvania 4 pack."

 

"I'm still right here, you jerks," says WheG.

 

Flame War reddens, and Bricks melts a little. "We were just kidding."

 

"Yeah, sure you were. Be right back."

 

Flame War and The Brick silently wait for 3 or 4 minutes without speaking.

 

"Think he's gone?" asks Brick.

 

"Shhh," says Flame War.

 

They decide to sit in front of the General Store and whittle. Because neither has a knife, they just pretend to whittle while they wait.

 

Meanwhile...

 

"What nonsense is this? I demand to know where we are!" says Lord Rawl.

 

Dr. Gloom stands beside him, hunkering down into his flowing cape. A torrential downpour obscures the landscape, but they see they are on a deserted road in the middle of nowhere. In the distance, a single light cuts through the ebony night.

 

"And how should I know where we are, you mentally challenged pile of housefly waste? We're on a road somewhere, and it's raining. There, you're up to speed, potty-training drop-out."

 

"There is a light in the distance. Perhaps we can seek shelter there."

 

"Did you or did you not see me take a step toward the direction of the light?"

 

"I thought you were stamping your feet to communicate 'I'm chilled in this rain'."

 

"If I were stamping my feet, Lord 'my brain is the size of a butterfly's sneeze', I would have remained in one place. If you'll note the position of my feet, you'll clearly see that my right foot is a full 21 millimeters more north-east than my left. This, my thought-impaired associate, is called 'a step'."

 

"Are you going to describe each step in this way, or would you be willing to string them all together in a silent dash so that we can get out of this downpour? Wait -- it doesn't matter." Lord Rawl bolts ahead of Dr. Gloom, racing toward the light.

 

Gloom is left standing, one foot a wee bit in front of the other, until he realizes that Rawl got the jump on him. Unwilling to ever be bested in any way on any issue, Gloom pours on the speed. Unfortunately, he carries enough extra pounds to make it a very uneven race. Rawl is on his 3rd cigarette by the time Gloom puffs his way up the creaking front steps of a small boarding house.

 

"I... would... have... won if you... hadn't... cheated..."

 

"If by 'cheated' you mean my habit of releasing my buttocks from the sweet embrace of the living room couch more than twice a day for meals, then yes, you're correct."

 

"As long as... I'm right... that's all that... matters," says Gloom.

 

Before Rawl could snap a rejoinder, the door of the boarding house creeks open. Framed against the inky blackness is one of the most beautiful women either of the two men has ever seen -- and between them, they've seen at least 7 women.

 

"Guh..."

 

"Hrgm..."

 

"Hello, boys. Looking for shelter on a rain and windswept night?" she asks. Her voice has the musical timber of a well-tuned cello. The melody creeps inside the souls of the two villains, warming heart cells that have lain dormant since the womb.

 

"Hrgm."

 

"Guh."

 

"C'mon in, handsome," she says with a crook of her finger. Like lemmings, they follow her inside, no longer cognizant of the rain, or the road, or the sudden mystery of their appearance in this desolate place.

 

"She called me handsome," says Gloom.

 

"She was SO looking at me," says Rawl.

 

"Was not!"

 

"Was too!"

 

"Not!"

 

"Too!"

 

"Care for a drink?" The woman points to two overstuffed chairs facing a roaring fire. "I have scotch or bourbon."

 

Both men speak at once, not wanting the other to order her favorite before he can. "Scotch. No bourbon! No, Scotch! No--"

 

"I'll surprise you," she says and disappears into the kitchen.

 

The two villains high five each other.

 

Suddenly, a chilling voice with the sound of a violin played by a 3rd grader who never had lessons, arrests the attention of both men.

 

"Go! Go from this place! Go while you still live! Or beware the consequences!"

 

A minute ticks by on the grandfather clock. "Umm... that disembodied voice is probably something we should pay attention to," says Rawl.

 

"Yes, very much so."

 

Several more seconds tick by.

 

"A frightening voice, wasn't it?"

 

"Quite eerie."

 

"And not a friendly message."

 

"Terrifying."

 

"We stay for the hot babe in the kitchen?"

 

"I didn't even have to think about it."

 

They high five again.

 

To be continued...

 

 

 

 

[Joanna]

Chapter 11, Part 13: Is She Serious???

 

Appearing in this issue:

 

Negative Lad (Murpho) can affect self-esteem

Larry Von Dork (Werner Von Doom) evil scientist

Fission (Rob_React) Atomic powers

Pyro (Blazingbob) Pyro powers

Ki-Zar (Comicwiz) Killer lizard

Origami (Kevthemev) power over paper

Runt (BigMan) Shrinking power

Squatter (Lantern) knee laser beams

Flying Donut (Flying Donut) Flight

Lighthouse (Lighthouse) eye beams

Spelling Bee (PovertyRow) flight, stinger

Raspberry Toaster Pastry (Darthdeisel) flight, goo

KostumeKween (MajorKhaos) not all that deceased

Week Guy (NewtSamson) Lord of Time Stream

Month Guy (Johnny Double) Lord of Time Stream

 

Chapter 11, Part 13: Is She Serious???

 

 

The Bad Brigade stands in the middle of a forest, flummoxed by their current situation.

 

"Who remembers charging the two agents in the time stream?" asks Pyro.

 

Everyone raises his hand.

 

"Who knows how to get back?"

 

All the hands go down.

 

"Great."

 

"We have apparently ripped through the fabric of time and landed in a forested area," says Larry Von Dork.

 

"Ya think?" says Pyro, exasperated.

 

"Well, no one else was stating the obvious. And for those among us who were shorted in the brains department, I wanted to help out."

 

"I'm small, but I'm not stupid!" says Runt. No one hears him because he is muffled by the leaves he is standing in.

 

"None of us are insufficiently_thoughtful_persons," says Squatter. "We just, well, how do we get back?"

 

"Time portal," says Larry.

 

"Duh!" says the group in unison.

 

"I meant, 'how do we find the freaking time portal'?" says Squatter.

 

"Okay, geniuses, you tell me," Larry says, feeling unappreciated.

 

"Shh! Someone's coming!" says Fission. "Hide!"

 

"Easy for you to say," says Ki-Zar. He scurries up a tree and changes his skin color to match the bark. "Actually, that wasn't hard at all. I have camouflage powers!"

 

"Damn lizard," says Negative Lad, trying to find a hiding place. All the good ones were taken.

 

Neg Lad lies on the ground and throws some leaves over himself just as the voices grow closer. The entire Bad Brigade holds their collective breath, waiting to see what sort of hideous place they've landed in.

 

A bunny and a turtle hop and walk down the path.

 

"So I says to her, I says, 'Nertz, LucyBelle! He ain't half the rabbit I am!"

 

"What did she do?"

 

"Do? What else could she do? She threw a pie at me and went off hopping mad!"

 

"The animals can talk," whispers Larry to Runt, who is hiding under his chin.

 

"You truly do enjoy stating the obvious," whispers Runt.

 

"This is freaking me out," whispers Neg Lad, inching closer to his teammates. The leaves rustle with every movement.

 

The bunny and the turtle stop.

 

"Didja hear that, Terry?" asks the bunny.

 

"Sounded like ruslting leaves, Sonny."

 

"Rustlers! Here? We'd better warn the others!" Sonny hops off.

 

"Wait for me--!" says Terry, doubling his speed.

 

An hour later, when Terry is finally out of sight, the Bad Brigade rises stiffly from their hiding places.

 

"Animals who can talk? This sucks," says Origami.

 

"What's wrong with animals that can talk?" asks Ki-Zar. "I'm a talking lizard, you bigot."

 

"You started off as human! These are animals -- little bunnies and turtles and things."

 

"I think the turtle is actually a tortoise," says Squatter.

 

"Oh, well, that makes it aaaaall better!" says Origami.

 

"Let's look for that portal. I don't want to be here when those freaks return," says Pyro.

 

"Et tu, Pyro?" asks Ki-Zar dramatically.

 

"Go sun yourself on a rock, Ki-Zar. We're not talking about you, okay? Just them. Although they seem like cuddly, funny animals, they could be man-eaters for all we know. I say we get out of here."

 

"Man-eaters? That lets me out," says Ki-Zar, chuckling.

 

"I'm with Pyro," says Runt. "I saw Monty Python. I know about killer rabbits. Especially at my size!"

 

"Let's go," says Fission.

 

"I say we search for the portal," says Larry.

 

They groan as they head in the opposite direction of the turtle or tortoise, who was probably not that far away.

 

Meanwhile...

 

In the Time Stream, Donut, House, Bee, RTP, and KostumeKween stand alone, with just the two agents for company.

 

"So..." says Donut.

 

"Yeah..." says House.

 

"Beautiful day," says Bee.

 

"There are no 'days' in the time stream," says Newt.

 

"Nope, I guess there aren't," says RTP. "You have to give it to them on that point. No days at all."

 

"Not a one," says KK.

 

"So..." says Donut.

 

"Yeah..." says House.

 

"I, um, think I'm getting a headache," says Bee.

 

Newt and Jonny look at each other, worried. "You are a most ill-healthed group." They look around, making sure there's no one left to rush them.

 

"What we've been trying to tell you," says Newt.

 

"Is that we can't allow ill-health in the time stream," finishes Jonny. "And because of that, we'd like to take you to the beginning of time and put you all in the hospital, for observation.

 

The JBH perk up.

 

"The beginning of time?" asks Donut.

 

"You're going to just take us to the beginning of time?" asks House.

 

"As simple as that? I get a headache, and we get a free trip past the checkpoint to the beginning of time?" asks Bee.

 

"Yeees," says Jonny, thinking he's dealing with simpletons.

 

"And the rest of our group? Can you retrieve them from the time stream?" asks KK.

 

"No, they're stuck."

 

"What if they found a portal or something?" asks RTP.

 

Both agents laugh. "Portal? What's a portal? There's no such thing."

 

"So there's no way for them to get from wherever they are back into the time stream, or to the place where we jumped in, or to the beginning of time?" asks Bee.

 

"Nope. They're all goners," says Jonny.

 

"Huh."

 

"Hmm."

 

"That's a shame."

 

"Ready to go?" asks Newt.

 

The JBH nods. The checkpoint disappears and the handful of remaining heroes tumble down toward the beginning of time.

 

End of Issue 11. To be continued in Issue 12.

 

[BigMan]

 

"I'm with Pyro," says Runt. "I saw Monty Python. I know about killer rabbits. Especially at my size!"

 

If only Runt could carry the Holy Hand Grenade he would be able to smite the Rabbits...on three that is

[Joanna]

 

"I'm with Pyro," says Runt. "I saw Monty Python. I know about killer rabbits. Especially at my size!"

 

If only Runt could carry the Holy Hand Grenade he would be able to smite the Rabbits...on three that is

 

And yet, there is no holy hand grenade in this land. I know -- I looked. What are you guys gonna do?

 

And is everyone going to die? What kind of insufficiently_thoughtful_person takes away the possibility of time portals when that's their only way out? This author is making my life miserable with her impulsive story decisions. Bah!

 

-- Joanna

[Joanna]

Here's the character list again. You'll need it for the next part, because I'm not putting an "appearing in" header for this one.

 

The JBH (Justa Buncha Heroes)

 

Flying Donut (Flying Donut) Flight

Lighthouse (Lighthouse) eye beams

Spelling Bee (PovertyRow) flight, stinger

Raspberry Toaster Pastry (Darthdeisel) flight, goo

KostumeKween (MajorKhaos) deceased

 

The Solar Powers

 

Mercury (Dam60) flight, heat, speed

Venus (CosmicBob) flight, love

Earth (Ubiquiti) flight, power over dirt

Mars (Mushroom) flight, warrior skills

Uranus (Old Guy) flight, noxious scent

Saturn (Odin) flight, energy rings

Jupiter (BronzeBruce) flight, gas

Neptune (Zonker) flight, water

Pluto (hkp) flight, ice

 

The N'Superables

 

Emoticon (BachelorOfComix) can be any emoticon

Rerun (Araich) TV in belly

Supafreak deceased (Supapimp) woolly mammoth

Alias (Bonds) can split into 12

Mylite (greggy) slabbed, irresistible

(honorary member)

 

The Hostess Hoard

 

Twinkie (Hogations) goo

Snowball (The Beyonder) goo

Ding Dong (Aman) goo

Ho Ho (Ninanina) goo

Fruit Pie (JLA All the Way) goo

Cupcake (Doyle) goo

Susie Q (Andrew Knight) goo

 

Unaffiliated as yet

 

The Brick (Crisco) invulnerable

Flame War (Fantastic Four) Flame power

Where'd He Go (Clobberintime) invisibility

Den Mothersaur (Joanna) can be a monster

Trimmer deceased (no one in particular) aerobic weight loss

 

 

The Villains

 

The Archi-Moderator (Architect) all powerful

Dena-Myte (Dena) semi-all powerful

Gemma-Mint (Gemma) semi-all powerful

Coinee deceased (Bugaboo) nearly invulnerable

Dr. Gloom (Joe Collector) makes things crash

Lord Rawl (Lord Rahl) mind control

The Mods (CGCmod, CGCmod2,

NGCmod, SGCmod) deceased

 

The Hero Squadron

 

Sgt. Rocky (Awe4one) Super strength

Damp Dude (Elvis) Aqua powers

Magic Tape (Scottish) stickiness

Go Go (Speedjunkies) Superspeed

Zilla (Zillatoy) Ninja dinosaur

Ape (CD4ever) Shape shifter

Chrome Dome (Chromium) power over metal

Toast deceased (DanDrista) none

 

 

The Bad Brigade

 

Negative Lad (Murpho) can affect self-esteem

Larry Von Dork (Werner Von Doom) evil scientist

Fission (Rob_React) Atomic powers

Pyro (Blazingbob) Pyro powers

Ki-Zar (Comicwiz) Killer lizard

Origami (Kevthemev) power over paper

Runt (BigMan) Shrinking power

Squatter (Lantern) knee laser beams

 

The Lurkers

 

(otis) Red, fused and rhyming

(Aces) Red, fused and rhyming

mrwoogieman) Red, fused and rhyming

(Fokker) Red, fused and rhyming

(dillmeister) Red, fused and rhyming

(blutobc)

 

The Time Masters

 

Second Guy (Ares) Lord of Time Stream

Minute Guy (DiceX) Lord of Time Stream

Hour Guy (PedgreeMan) Lord of Time Stream

Day Guy (hobbes) Lord of Time Stream

Week Guy (NewtSamson) Lord of Time Stream

Month Guy (Johnny Double) Lord of Time Stream

Year Guy (justiceleaguefiend) Lord of Time Stream

Decade Guy (Chrisfuccione) Lord of Time Stream

Century Guy (sfilosa) Lord of Time Stream

Millenium Guy (blowout) Lord of Time Stream

 

The Big Bangers

 

Slaughter Eric123 Mindreader

Demon Proverbs22_2 fire pellets

Tarantula Webhead Paralyzing bite

 

Hospital Staff

Dr. Bob Doc

Dr. Bunner Dr. Banner

Nurse Coohs No one in the forum, just made it up.

[THE_BEYONDER]

The Hostess Hoard

 

Twinkie (Hogations) goo

Snowball (The Beyonder) goo

Ding Dong (Aman) goo

Ho Ho (Ninanina) goo

Fruit Pie (JLA All the Way) goo

Cupcake (Doyle) goo

Susie Q (Andrew Knight) goo

 

The Hostess Hoard ROCKS!

[Joanna]

Issue 12, Part 1A: Lost in Time

 

Solar Powers in the Time of Dinosaurs

 

"He's catching up!" shouts Pluto!

 

"Everyone orbit him! That will confuse him and he won't be able to catch any of us!" says Jupiter.

 

"Since I'm always the tightest orbit, and therefore closest, wouldn't that just make him concentrate on me?" asks Mercury.

 

"And thereby saving us all!" says Jupiter. "Thank you for your sacrifice."

 

"Where have I heard that before? Oh yes! I remember! It was when you guys went to eat burritos at the Loca Cabesa while I was almost turned into mush in the Archi-Moderator's ship!"

 

"But that was so long ago, Merc. No one even remembers that anymore," says earth.

 

"Yeah," says Neptune, taking his distant orbit, "You're way past due for another sacrifice."

 

Mercury stops orbiting, ticked off at his teammates. "Now look here, all of you. I am Mercury, not some stupid asteroid you can fling at a T Rex as a snack. I will not stand for this ill-treatment any more!"

 

The T Rex stands above the stationary Mercury and opens his enormous jaws. Merc feels a glob of saliva hit his shoulder.

 

"Get lost, you extinct version of Big Bird," he shouts, and fries the T-Rex in a burst of Mercurial flames. The T-Rex screams -- a high, girlish sound, like Bug when he's calling someone a liar -- and dies on the spot.

 

The rest of the planets slowly return.

 

"Huh, I guess we sorta forgot we all had powers and stuff," says Uranus.

 

"Um... yeah. Good flaming," says Mars.

 

"We should probably get back to looking for that portal now," says Saturn.

 

"Let's go," says Venus. "Good job, Merc."

 

The Hostess Hoard in the Land of the Neanderthals

 

The Hostess Hoard and the small tribe of Neanderthals are sitting around a fire in a cave, eating Mammoth á l'orange.

 

"Mm, mm, MM! This is dee-licious!" says Snowball. "I never thought I'd like mammoth, let alone with l'orange."

 

"Glakgoo! Do grka gleet," says the Neanderthal leader, who is nicknamed 'Big Red' by the Hoard because one of them was in the mood for gum.

 

His daughter runs to the fire pit, pulls another chunk of mammoth off and hands it to Snowball. She giggles seductively. Snowball glances up at her heavy brow ridges and receding chin.

 

"Thanks, cutie," he says, tearing into the meat and letting the juices flow down his chin. "What's your name?"

 

She giggles again and grunts, "Goo."

 

"Nice to meet you, Goo," says Snowball between bites.

 

Twinkie stops in mid-chew. "Goo?"

 

She glances at Twinkie, sighs, pulls herself away from Snowball and tosses him some meat.

 

Twinkie looks around at his teammates. "Her name is Goo? That's the goo Big Red was talking about!"

 

"Holy [!@#%^&^]," says Susie Q. "He's trying to marry off his daughter!"

 

"Man, I'm stuffed!" says Snowball, rubbing his food-distended belly. "That was great! Did you make it yourself, Goo?"

 

She flashes a smile full of large, white teeth. "Gribbledack glorg."

 

"I have no idea what you're saying, but if that was a yes, my compliments."

 

"What the heck are we going to do?" asks Ho Ho. "If we run away now, they'll hunt us down and kill us. For all we know, eating mammoth is a wedding ceremony!"

 

"How are we going to get gifts? My credit card is over the limit," says Ding Dong.

 

"Yes, that's the real problem," says Fruit Pie. "Not the fact that we're trapped in the stone age with a marriage-minded gorilla."

 

"Hey! They're not gorillas! They're Neanderthals. Give them some dignity," says Snowball.

 

"Your wife wants to talk to you," says Cupcake, motioning to Goo who was standing impatiently next to Snowball, waving her arms.

 

"What is it, Goo?"

 

"Gribbledack glorg!" she says.

 

"Uh huh. Yeah. I have no idea what that means," says Snowball.

 

She points to the area between his legs, tapping her foot.

 

Snowball catches on and blushes. "Uh... no thank you?"

 

"Glorg! Glorg!!!!" she shouts.

 

"Glorg!" says her father.

 

"Anyone care for some dessert?" Snowball makes a donut out of Hostess goo and hands it to Goo. She stares at it. He makes another for himself and takes a bite out of it. The white creamy filling leaves a small moustache behind.

 

Goo takes a tentative bite. "Whuh!" she exclaims as the creamy sweetness envelopes her tongue. She hands the donut to her father. He, too, reacts in happy surprise.

 

Instantly, the Hoard starts whipping up fancy-looking confections out of Hostess goo.

 

"Keep at it, lads. It's possible that with the right amount of ingested goo, they might all pass out from insulin shock. Then we could sneak away."

 

Goo grabs Snowball and plants a huge, gooey kiss on his lips. "Mmmmm..." she murmers, her eyes filled with love.

 

"Worth a try!" say the Hoard, stepping up production.

 

To be continued...

 

[THE_BEYONDER]

The Hostess Hoard in the Land of the Neanderthals

 

The Hostess Hoard and the small tribe of Neanderthals are sitting around a fire in a cave, eating Mammoth á l'orange.

 

"Mm, mm, MM! This is dee-licious!" says Snowball. "I never thought I'd like mammoth, let alone with l'orange."

 

"Glakgoo! Do grka gleet," says the Neanderthal leader, who is nicknamed 'Big Red' by the Hoard because one of them was in the mood for gum.

 

His daughter runs to the fire pit, pulls another chunk of mammoth off and hands it to Snowball. She giggles seductively. Snowball glances up at her heavy brow ridges and receding chin.

 

"Thanks, cutie," he says, tearing into the meat and letting the juices flow down his chin. "What's your name?"

 

She giggles again and grunts, "Goo."

 

"Nice to meet you, Goo," says Snowball between bites.

 

Twinkie stops in mid-chew. "Goo?"

 

She glances at Twinkie, sighs, pulls herself away from Snowball and tosses him some meat.

 

Twinkie looks around at his teammates. "Her name is Goo? That's the goo Big Red was talking about!"

 

"Holy [!@#%^&^]," says Susie Q. "He's trying to marry off his daughter!"

 

"Man, I'm stuffed!" says Snowball, rubbing his food-distended belly. "That was great! Did you make it yourself, Goo?"

 

She flashes a smile full of large, white teeth. "Gribbledack glorg."

 

"I have no idea what you're saying, but if that was a yes, my compliments."

 

"What the heck are we going to do?" asks Ho Ho. "If we run away now, they'll hunt us down and kill us. For all we know, eating mammoth is a wedding ceremony!"

 

"How are we going to get gifts? My credit card is over the limit," says Ding Dong.

 

"Yes, that's the real problem," says Fruit Pie. "Not the fact that we're trapped in the stone age with a marriage-minded gorilla."

 

"Hey! They're not gorillas! They're Neanderthals. Give them some dignity," says Snowball.

 

"Your wife wants to talk to you," says Cupcake, motioning to Goo who was standing impatiently next to Snowball, waving her arms.

 

"What is it, Goo?"

 

"Gribbledack glorg!" she says.

 

"Uh huh. Yeah. I have no idea what that means," says Snowball.

 

She points to the area between his legs, tapping her foot.

 

Snowball catches on and blushes. "Uh... no thank you?"

 

"Glorg! Glorg!!!!" she shouts.

 

"Glorg!" says her father.

 

"Anyone care for some dessert?" Snowball makes a donut out of Hostess goo and hands it to Goo. She stares at it. He makes another for himself and takes a bite out of it. The white creamy filling leaves a small moustache behind.

 

Goo takes a tentative bite. "Whuh!" she exclaims as the creamy sweetness envelopes her tongue. She hands the donut to her father. He, too, reacts in happy surprise.

 

Instantly, the Hoard starts whipping up fancy-looking confections out of Hostess goo.

 

"Keep at it, lads. It's possible that with the right amount of ingested goo, they might all pass out from insulin shock. Then we could sneak away."

 

Goo grabs Snowball and plants a huge, gooey kiss on his lips. "Mmmmm..." she murmers, her eyes filled with love.

 

"Worth a try!" say the Hoard, stepping up production.

 

To be continued...

 

[PovertyRow]

OK now - why am I expecting Julius Schwartz and Rod Serling to suddenly appear as co-writers? This is getting - well - intriguing is to put things mildly!

 

[THE_BEYONDER]

POV

[PovertyRow]

POV