ROAST: Rake Lighthouse over the coals!

[lighthouse]

ROAST: Rake Lighthouse over the coals!

 

Yep, it's that time again...

 

I started the bloodletting with the roast of our fallen compatriot Hammer. Since then we've done Greggy and Joanna, and now it's my turn.

 

For those of you keeping score at home, next week will be MajorKhaos in the hot seat, and two weeks after that is our old pal, Bugaboo. We're still looking for a volunteer to take the week in between (preferably someone who actually posts about comics once in a while to provide a change of pace).

 

But enough about the past and future victims honorees... This is my week, and not even WessonOil37 can take that away from me this time!

 

Winners will be judged on their ability to channel the blend of genius and insanity that is Lighthouse, and on their ability to skirt the boundaries of good taste without earning themselves a strike. Posts revealing Lighthouse's location and identity to the Brazilian Comic Mafia and to the Diamond Comics "Keepers-Of-The-Industry-Secrets-We-Don't-Want-Comic-Fans-To-Know" Police will be disqualified.

 

So bring your worst. I expect nothing less. Actually, I fully expect the thread to be full of bagging that would make a coinee yawn, but hey, I can dream...

 

Prizes up for grabs include (but are not limited to):

 

Copy of the new Overstreet Grading Guide

Reading copy of Tales of Suspense 49

An actual feather from the boa worn by the Halloween Goth Princess

An assortment of adult comics sure to make even Darth blush

A full set of all 17 FCBD comics from 2003

An assortment of 6 Sailor Moon TPB's

Miscellaneous back issues filled from your wantlist

Other prizes that may strike my fancy...

 

That's it folks... Roast will end at midnight Pacific Time on Saturday the 21st...

 

I will not reply in this thread until the contest is over, so PM me with any questions, or if you wish to volunteer to be roasted. I'll be happy to get you on the schedule and go over the details...

 

[Ares]

Ive read the most amazing comics ever..

My sources at marvel gave show me all their cmics for the next five years and let me tell you they are amazing...

 

 

 

 

 

 

JEMMAS SUCKS

[BachelorOfComix]

An actual feather from the boa worn by the Halloween Goth Princess

 

[Shield]

I loved buying that Action #43 based on the great pictures EVERYONE in this group provided! Nothing let me astray or implied something was up! In fact, that fake CGC mockup sealed the deal!

 

Ok so I don't know lighthouse that well...that's all I can think of for now

[ninanina]

Help!

 

Now, I know you guys must think I'm nuts for doing this, but I just purchased my 451st copy of Dazzler 1. Actually got it for 1/2 guide on e-bay. Copy was a NM except for the double tear, slight staining on only 3 of the 4 corners and along the left,right, top and bottom sides spreading only just a bit into the center area of the comic. Although the front page is unreadable, it doesn't effect the story. The staples are original, with just a bit of rust showing. The back is a mirror image of the front. I bought this comic because i'm pretty sure I can flip it. I have a big store with lots of customers and I'm sure one would love to have this copy, along with the other 450 copies I currently have.

 

Here's my problem. No cover.

 

Anyone?

 

 

[ninanina]

Heyyyyy.....

 

This is fun.

[murph0]

Hi, my name is Lighthouse

[Mushroom]

Hey guys,

 

Sorry I haven't been on the boards for awhile but as you know I read 3245 comics a month and geez forum time just seems to get in the way.

 

Some of my long term clients came down to the shop this afternoon to discuss the relative merits of the end. HEY by the way did you guys see THAT coming. Oh yeah you wouldn't because I got an advanced copy, anyway you will love it.

 

By the way is anbody reading Marvel's new book Mr Magoo sees the light. I personally struggled with it for the first couple of pages and the storyline was a bit all over the place but HEY the art was really cool especially how they depict his glasses.

 

Why is it that with this leading edge stuff that none of you respond to my threads....I mean HEY is there anybody out there......anybody.......guys......

 

I need a hug

 

 

[Paladin]

You've gotta check out issue #6 of "The End"! I CAN NOT BELIEVE what Starlin did! The man is a genius! I never expected that! I won't spoil it for you. Needless to say, you've GOT to check it out! I know it SOUNDS like I'm gushing, that I'm Starlin's agent, that I earn a thousand bucks for every issue of #6 that is sold, but trust me you'll like it!

 

p.s.-I'll even drive ya to your nearest comic book store!

 

 

 

 

--I did actually enjoy the series.

[Arty]

OK, because I can't write stories in english, I'll just provide some ideas.

 

Someone should write a story with at least these things:

 

-35 cent variants

-adult comics

-strippers and lap dances

-Halloween Goth Princess and her piercings

-CGC Submission Mistakes

-Ping-Pong

-how being taller than normal people really has some advantages

 

[murph0]

Jee Arty!

 

Brian

[Illiterati-migration]

So, I'm sitting here the other day in this spacious, well-lit, chronically overstocked comic book store that I own in the great state of Oregon (did I mention I own a brick and mortar shop in Oregon?), and I'm overgrading a bunch of spooge-encrusted Cherry Poptarts that I bought at a show (I drove with a U-Haul full of longboxes for seventeen hours) a couple weekends back when it occurs to me that I'm very, very, very tall. I'm so tall, in fact, that I can actually see the tops of the very expensive, UV-ray filtering, non-glare producing light fixtures in this beautiful, bright, wide-aisled brick and mortar comic book store that I own. It's truly a MARVELous thing... oh man, that was punny right there, wasn't it?? God, I love me. I love being tall. Some days I can see forever. Infinity sure is a long way, you know? This is, of course, to say nothing for the Infinity Gauntlet... but damn, Patrick The Wolfboy sure is good readin'! Hey, here's some other esoteric comic books that you common fanboys will never have heard of and will never read but EVERYONE here in Oregon reads them because we are not a population of comic book philistines like YOUR foul corners of the nation (that includes you too, Midwest):

Champions of Breakfast

Super Happy Robot Monkey Thursday Night Death Battle 32-Page Spectacular Cherubs For Fun And Profit

Why Does It Burn When I Pee? (This one's a graphic novel, but it really is some of Starlin's finest work. Okay, it's not JIM Starlin, it's actually Sam Starlin, but man, that guy draws a phallus like no other.)

 

 

 

Oh man, I think I blacked out for a while there. The last thing I knew, I was sitting here at the computer eating a stick of beef puddy (a pudding-filled beef stick... a delicacy here in Oregon and particularly in my brick and mortar store here in Oregon-- did I mention I have a brick and mortar store in Oregon?) and a jar of peanut butter and I was reflecting on Christopher Walken's body of work... has anyone else seen "Barefoot In Athens"? I really feel that Christopher Walken's portrayal of Lamprocles was possibly his finest hour as an actor... though it wasn't actually an hour, I suppose, but I digress. Christopher Walken is a national treasure. I sold him some comics once, you know. I do own that brick and mortar store here in the fine green acres of Oregon up in the ULC of the good ol' US. He was mainly interested in silver age DC romance books, and, coincidentally enough, I had just arranged to purchase an enormous collection the week before! So after an arduous 45-hour trip across the nation to the great state of Nevada (the "Gateway to the West" as it is known) where after three days of binge drinking, peyote smoking, and driving around the beautiful east side of Salt Lake City (though I don't know that there is actually a lake anywhere around there) I finally found the house I was looking for, but I had forgotten my wallet so I had to head back home and on the way, I found this abandoned car on the side of the highway which just happened to be full of silver age DCs! I waited there for another four days to see if the owner came back, but it didn't look like he would, and I didn't like having them sitting in the heat like that for so long, so I loaded them up into the U-Haul that I always drag around behind my '88 Honda Civic and came back home. Christopher was pleased. He was also pleased with the Goth Princess who made numerous recommendations to him... even though she's never ACTUALLY read a comic book and, in fact, I think she has ambitions that could eventually cost me my role in the universe. Oh look, here she comes now with... is that piano wire?

 

And Khaos, dammit, send me your address!

[greggy]

So, I'm sitting here the other day in this spacious, well-lit, chronically overstocked comic book store that I own in the great state of Oregon (did I mention I own a brick and mortar shop in Oregon?), and I'm overgrading a bunch of spooge-encrusted Cherry Poptarts that I bought at a show (I drove with a U-Haul full of longboxes for seventeen hours) a couple weekends back when it occurs to me that I'm very, very, very tall. I'm so tall, in fact, that I can actually see the tops of the very expensive, UV-ray filtering, non-glare producing light fixtures in this beautiful, bright, wide-aisled brick and mortar comic book store that I own. It's truly a MARVELous thing... oh man, that was punny right there, wasn't it?? God, I love me. I love being tall. Some days I can see forever. Infinity sure is a long way, you know? This is, of course, to say nothing for the Infinity Gauntlet... but damn, Patrick The Wolfboy sure is good readin'! Hey, here's some other esoteric comic books that you common fanboys will never have heard of and will never read but EVERYONE here in Oregon reads them because we are not a population of comic book philistines like YOUR foul corners of the nation (that includes you too, Midwest):

Champions of Breakfast

Super Happy Robot Monkey Thursday Night Death Battle 32-Page Spectacular Cherubs For Fun And Profit

Why Does It Burn When I Pee? (This one's a graphic novel, but it really is some of Starlin's finest work. Okay, it's not JIM Starlin, it's actually Sam Starlin, but man, that guy draws a phallus like no other.)

 

 

 

Oh man, I think I blacked out for a while there. The last thing I knew, I was sitting here at the computer eating a stick of beef puddy (a pudding-filled beef stick... a delicacy here in Oregon and particularly in my brick and mortar store here in Oregon-- did I mention I have a brick and mortar store in Oregon?) and a jar of peanut butter and I was reflecting on Christopher Walken's body of work... has anyone else seen "Barefoot In Athens"? I really feel that Christopher Walken's portrayal of Lamprocles was possibly his finest hour as an actor... though it wasn't actually an hour, I suppose, but I digress. Christopher Walken is a national treasure. I sold him some comics once, you know. I do own that brick and mortar store here in the fine green acres of Oregon up in the ULC of the good ol' US. He was mainly interested in silver age DC romance books, and, coincidentally enough, I had just arranged to purchase an enormous collection the week before! So after an arduous 45-hour trip across the nation to the great state of Nevada (the "Gateway to the West" as it is known) where after three days of binge drinking, peyote smoking, and driving around the beautiful east side of Salt Lake City (though I don't know that there is actually a lake anywhere around there) I finally found the house I was looking for, but I had forgotten my wallet so I had to head back home and on the way, I found this abandoned car on the side of the highway which just happened to be full of silver age DCs! I waited there for another four days to see if the owner came back, but it didn't look like he would, and I didn't like having them sitting in the heat like that for so long, so I loaded them up into the U-Haul that I always drag around behind my '88 Honda Civic and came back home. Christopher was pleased. He was also pleased with the Goth Princess who made numerous recommendations to him... even though she's never ACTUALLY read a comic book and, in fact, I think she has ambitions that could eventually cost me my role in the universe. Oh look, here she comes now with... is that piano wire?

 

And Khaos, dammit, send me your address!

 

Sigh...that's pretty weak!

[chrisco37]

A (Satur)DAY in the Life of 'House:

 

The early morning rain should have been a sign. But, living in Oregon, I'm used to rain, so I disregarded it. After all, today was the day of the "Civil War". Oregon vs. Oregon State for the layperson. Nothing could dampen my spirits (I did after all sit through the entire 1982 game which ended in a 7-7 tie between these two college football juggernauts), although I was still a little surly after losing an avatar bet to Donut. Surely, the "Mighty Ducks" would be victorious on this fine day! Also, I was expecting a large package from CGC that day. I had recently sent in over 100 books, mostly Xmen #266, hoping to cash in on the current Gambit craze on eBay so I could buy another Kid Colt variant and some more Rawhide Kid variants (Hey, I like cowboys! Sue me.) But I digress....

 

As I approached the University of Oregon's glorious campus, the rain turned into a downpour (actually a heavy drizzle by Oregonian standards). It was eerily familiar. Could I possibly be in for another classic battle? Would I have to sit for over three hours (maybe more, now that the NCAA's had instituted an Overtime)? I hoped not. After all, I had to get to my shop; there was much work to do.

The game was a war of attrition (much like a 3 am Bugaboo vs. Greggy flame war). Both teams struggled to get the ball past mid-field for much of the game. During some of the longer lulls, I closed my eyes and prayed that B.O.C. would post a bevy of buxom babes in the testing forum for my viewing pleasure. During one of my many prayers, I missed an Oregon interception return for a touchdown. I cursed B.O.C. and vowed revenge, unitl I came to my senses and realized that I had missed the touchdown, not because of prayer, but because I am so tall, my head was in the rainclouds! I couldn't see through the fog. At least the Ducks won, and I could catch the highlight on Sportscenter. I bolted to my vehicle (being 6'-7" my legs are long and I easily out-strode the hordes of fans) and took off in the direction of my shop.

 

As I sped towards my shop (location undisclosed), the sun broke through the clouds. Perfect, I thought. I'd have just enough time to set some books in my shop window to soak up the damaging UV rays for my customers to see how bad sunlight really is for comics. I pulled up to my shop, and went in. As I stated before, I had much work to do. I noticed the Goth Princess on the phone (I had recently installed w/ a 900-number) chatting away. She pointed to the phone and mouthed, "It's him......Again". Yes! I couldn't contain myself; Khoas's raging hormones were a veritible gold-mine! The phone number had only been up a week, and he had already amassed a $700 bill (more to add to my Variant snipes!), yet here he was chatting away. I hopped on the computer to see what was shaking on the CGC Forums. Aha! A PM! Maybe someone wanted to buy one of my wrongly submitted, low priced books. I checked. It was a PM from BOC. My prayers worked, I thought. Yet, I was in error. He was furious w/ me! "I've been trying to call the Goth Princess since you sent me the #. It's been busy the whole time!" the PM read. I responded that he should take it up w/ Khoas. Maybe they could work out a schedule. I got off-line and to my next order of business - re-arranging my wall display to highlight some lesser books I needed to move. Would "Strangers in Paradise" (the Lesbian variant version) sell better next to Amazing Spider-Man #300 or would it be better off next to Shi #1? I thought Shi, as, no-doubt, the horny adolescents that frequent my store would be instantly drawn to the bad-girl book. Should I put the Punisher Mini Series #1 next to Preacher #1? Yes, I could cash in on the current Garth Ennis Punisher run by putting these two together. I feverishly switched around my wall. Yes, it looked good. I could move onto the CGC package that had just come through the door during my display brainstorm.

 

Ahhh, Gambit! You're almost as profitable as my 900-number. Imagine my shock upon opening the box to realize that all the X-men #266's I sent in were from my lesser grade pile! I rushed back to Xmen back issue bin. Damn! There they were! All my NM copies of Xmen #266 in the bin (apparently, the goth Princess grabbed the wrong pile of X #266's for slabbing). Let that be a lesson to other shop owners, never let your minions do your shipping. I honor of this egregious error, I am offering these books up cheaply to forum members (check the Marketplace).

 

To add to my pain, nobody came into the store that night (my wall display switch was all for naught!), and I was subjected to yet another Bug/Greggy matchup. I closed up shop, and hopped into my car. As I headed home, I thought about the rest of the evening. I had planned on watching "Citizen Kane" (Director's Cut) with my wife. Hmmm, I thought, Ducks won, Khoas ran up another huge bill, I'm going to catch Sportscenter, and watch a classic Orson Wells film. I guess it wasn't such a bad day after all.

 

I grabbed my steering wheel, slammed my back into the seat of my car, and screamed "Woooohooooo!". Just like Michael Knight in "Knight Rider".

 

WessonOil37

 

 

 

 

 

[Illiterati-migration]

bumpzilla, beeyotches!

[Darthdiesel]

I just wanted to post my VF Two gun Kid 35 center to see test the market, but I would have gladly paid him $200 to sell it back to me and donated my kidneys if the winner had asked as well. Temporary insanity...I've got extra cash to blow and I spend it all on 35 centers. Any price paid for these is worth it. Anyone who comes down on my variant collecting has no knowledge of my obsessive disorder and my condition that if I don't overpay on a variant every two weeks, I'll implode and turn into a fatty hole that greggy can stick himself in...

 

Every morning I have Halloween Goth Princess pull up a search for all hits on "Marvel price variants". I then sit behind the surveillance monitor as I focus the overhead camera on her cleavage as she scans the 100's of listings and go to town on myself, spunking my black cup of morning coffee into a frothy covered caffe latte. When my bald chubby customers ogle her over the counter, I get all turned on as I picture wild 3somes among my recently purchased longboxes of X-Factor 1 and Richie Richs from my good buddy Chuck, who I've made a killing off of on taking up his offer to buy moderns at super high prices. I wish I was Chuck's disciple. 76% of Diamond retailers agree on Chuck being my role model/idol whose life I pattern my salesmanship on. 21% of my customers have complained that my Manga porn comics display has not been de-spooged in 2 weeks, while the other 79% of my clientele are content to try to clean it up with their tongues and a box of Melba Toast crackers. 57% of my employees were males who could make Joanna blush with their tight buns and athletic physiques and I gleefully watched and supported them on their first nights at my Badabing brick and mortar strip club I own. 43% of my female employees have bodies who could tempt Joanna to go "crossover to the other side" and I make it a point to offer them a bonus if they can actually go and do it.

 

Here is a blurry pic of my comic shop display wall from 2 months ago. Look at me trying to sell crappy books that have no place on any self respecting comic store's shelf while you all guess at the type of [!@#%^&^] I try to pass of as hot books to clientele. You could get a clearer pic if you could come to my store of which I won't divulge the location or just be content with the current blur since I got it with just enough detail that it'll need bring out the true comic DC, Valiant, Image collecting hoard to get the answers right. I pay a troop of Girl Scouts to come in once a month to rearrange the shelf according to what catches their eye first, as if my warped deviant porn comics aren't out in the open enough for them to see hwile in my brick and mortar store, but they love to pick those up and thumb through them. I sell it to them for half price as a way tp show my support for their literacy. But I like to value the opinion of 8 year olds whenever I make advertising decisions since my Oregon clientele are all a bunch of deluded potheads anyway.

 

I also spend a lot on crappy old burnt Action comics while I come up with preposterous theories on how the comics endured a blazing inferno yet miraculously only a corner was singed, bringing a VF book otherwise , down to a VG, all because the stack of comics it was piled with got wet during a flood in the basement and preserved the rest of the book due to the salinity of the flood water being just optimal for VF preservation... goth princess and I give out her number for Golden Age comics ,but Greggy, you can't have her in San Diego, you worthless '...she tells me she is into guys with wrinkles on their balzac, not their comics...I'll bet you couldn't hook up with a toothless crack ho in San Diego this year and if you ever manage to hook up with anyone, I'll post your NC logo as my avatar....

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BigMan]

But I like to value the opinion of 8 year olds whenever I make advertising decisions since my Oregon clientele are all a bunch of deluded potheads anyway.

Hmmm Deluded Pothead in Oregon. Darth this sounds like someone we both know but who could be......

[Bugaboo-migration]

Badda Bing....Badda Bump.

[greggy]

Badda Bing....Badda Bump.

 

Sigh...the House isn't popular to survive on page 1 without 2 bumps!

[Bugaboo-migration]

Sigh...the House isn't popular to survive on page 1 without 2 bumps!

People might be saving up their rage to unload on me. I've provided too much ammunition for you people in my posts......all of which are fair, unbiased, and mature.

 

To roast 'house requires much more refinement, sophistication, and deep thought.................with a bit of porno thrown in for good measure.