dover

1. A day without sunshine is like... night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

23. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today might burn your tomorrow.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner , where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the....??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers, to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. Works equally as well on boxes and thumbs.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

NO NO NO !!!! that is still wrong!

The tallest and best proportioned woman in the world lives in Holland .

She is 7'4' and weighs 320.

Wow.....climb every mountain!!!!

The question is, what does a 320-pound woman look like?

Now, before you scroll down to look at her pictures, get a mental image of what you think a woman who weighs 320 looks like....

I am closing in on 40, and still act 15... it's nothing new for males.

 

(thumbs u

 

 

 

-slym

42 this year and this posting won't help you catch up!!!

Go Lance!!!

the Tomahawks list...

Have you tried a romance comic on a hook?

 

 

 

-slym

I saw Greggy9000, rather thin....

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep Off the Grass."

there are no Bevis and Butthead greamlins....but there needs to be...

KUDOS!!!! to my new buyers!

NEW: seanfingh and capt_comics and Grails

and as always a running list of buyers that are real buyers. Buyers that pay, are prompt and fun to sell to:

Calamerica

He11blazer

Rich_Henn

nerfherder-3

cloudofwit

cujobyte

mschmidt

Beau

slym2none

genrlzod

sergex

3319

Bosco685

all paid, paid promptly, good messaging, responded. could not ask for anything more.

5 CGC board stars!! *****

Kudos to ft88, sent me some stuff, no charge!!

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his

grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet.."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned

veteran.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects!

I'm spent...

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking

into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the

other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep Off the Grass."

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Pun time!!!

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He

acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it tuned out to

be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it

was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his

orders.

you're slow tonight!

and away he goes!!

?

(thumbs u

ie I need T..P for my.....

I am Cornholio!

This was a great read!!

for some reason, Beavis and Butthead / Cornholio cracks my wife up.

BTW how do you do an insert pic?

the Strange Adventures list...

some of my favorite books, got it from HA auction in Feb.

wow, that is cool!

good to know.. (thumbs u