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Official forum joke thread

Started by conditionfreak,

54 posts in this topic

conditionfreak

conditionfreak

Posted
Posted

One time there was a cop who saw a drunk walking around on a corner. Looking at the sidewalk intensly underneath a light pole.

 

The cop approached the drunk and asked what he was looking for. The drunk said he was looking for a quarter that he dropped in the alley near there.

 

The cop asked the drunk why he was looking here on the corner if he dropped the quarter in the alley.

 

The drunk replied "s'more light here".

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conditionfreak

conditionfreak

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A guy has a flat tire and pulls over to change it. Just so happens that he is in front of a mental institution.

 

He jacks up the car and removes the lug nuts and places them inside his hubcap that is on the street near him. After he gets the tire off and is getting his spare out of the trunk, another car comes by very close to his car. It scares him and he jumps out of the road in fright. This other car hits the hubcap with the lug nuts lying in it.

 

The lug nuts go flying into a street sewer grate near the curb.

 

So now the guy has his spare tire but no lug nuts and is standing there, cursing. Wondering what the heck he is going to do now.

 

He hears a voice from one of the windows at the mental institution. A man says "hey, that was bad luck. But just take one lug nut off of each of your other three tires and put those three on your spare, until tomorrow when you can buy some more lug nuts".

 

The guy says, "Hey thanks. That's a great idea. You're pretty smart for a guy in a psycho ward".

 

The guy in the window replies. "I'm crazy. Not stupid".

 

 

:)

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conditionfreak

conditionfreak

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A drunk is in a bar and strikes up a conversation with the bar tender. He tells the bar tender that he is a champion urinator. The bar tender asks him what the heck is a urinator. The drunk replies "I can pee more accurately than anyone else in the world. I can pee into a beer bottle on a spinning bar stool without missing a drop".

 

The bar tender says he is crazy. That not only is he drunk, but no one even sober could do that.

 

The drunk says, "I'll bet you twenty dollars I can do it". The bar tender says, "you're on. I'll take that bet".

 

The bar tender then gets an empty beer bottle and puts it on a bar stool and tells the guy to "get ready and I'll spin it". The drunk whips "it" out and the bar tender spins the bottle on the bar stool. The drunk starts peeing. It is going all over the place. On the stool, on the floor and on the shoes of the bar tender.

 

The bar tender is laughing hard at the drunk, who isn't even coming close to peeing in the spinning beer bottle.

 

The drunk says, "You win. Guess I'm drunk more than I thought", and he hands the bar tender a twenty dollar bill. The bar tender laughs and goes back behind the bar to clean his shoes with a towel.

 

The drunk walks over to a table where five men are seated and collects twenty dollars from each man at the table, and then he leaves the bar.

 

The bar tender witnessed this and walks over to the table where the five men are sitting and asks them why they all gave that drunk money.

 

A guy at the table answers, "He bet us twenty bucks each that he could on your shoes and you would just laugh about it".

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Boozad

Boozad

Posted
Posted

An old lady goes to the local drugstore and asks for some Viagra for her husband.

 

The chemist asks 'How old is he? I'm only asking as we have half strength and full strength, and depending on his age the full strength may be too potent.'

 

'The half strength will do,' the old lady replies. 'I only want to stop him piddling on his slippers.'

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Hammerhead

Hammerhead

Posted
Posted
A guy has a flat tire and pulls over to change it. Just so happens that he is in front of a mental institution.

 

He jacks up the car and removes the lug nuts and places them inside his hubcap that is on the street near him. After he gets the tire off and is getting his spare out of the trunk, another car comes by very close to his car. It scares him and he jumps out of the road in fright. This other car hits the hubcap with the lug nuts lying in it.

 

The lug nuts go flying into a street sewer grate near the curb.

 

So now the guy has his spare tire but no lug nuts and is standing there, cursing. Wondering what the heck he is going to do now.

 

He hears a voice from one of the windows at the mental institution. A man says "hey, that was bad luck. But just take one lug nut off of each of your other three tires and put those three on your spare, until tomorrow when you can buy some more lug nuts".

 

The guy says, "Hey thanks. That's a great idea. You're pretty smart for a guy in a psycho ward".

 

The guy in the window replies. "I'm crazy. Not stupid".

 

 

:)

 

That's a funny one!

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Bosco685

Bosco685

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.

 

The other guy takes out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

 

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

There is silence, and then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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Bosco685

Bosco685

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Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.

 

I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He say, "Not in a row!"

 

-Steven Wright

 

Sorry - Steven Wright makes me laugh every time.

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Bosco685

Bosco685

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.

 

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.

 

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.

 

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.

 

"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

 

drum_boom_tiss.gif

 

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s-man

s-man

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Posted
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.

 

I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He say, "Not in a row!"

 

-Steven Wright

 

Sorry - Steven Wright makes me laugh every time.

 

:applause:

 

My favorite of his: I broke a mirror and your supposed to get seven years bad luck...but my lawyer says he can get me five! lol

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conditionfreak

conditionfreak

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Two Cajuns, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Boudreaux stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously, and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

 

Boudreaux immediately blurted out, "Turn da entire ocean into Budweiser beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer, and the genie vanished.

 

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

 

Thibodeaux looked disgustedly at Boudreaux whose wish had been granted.

 

After a long, tension-filled moment, Thibodeaux said, "Nice going, Boudreaux! ........ Now we're gonna have to pee in da boat!"

 

 

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conditionfreak

conditionfreak

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Walt had been in Police work for 25 years.

 

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land

in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

 

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

 

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.

Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

 

'Great', says Walt, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet

some local folks, Thank you.'

 

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

 

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can

drink with the best of 'em'.

 

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

 

'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.'

 

'Well, I know how to get along with people, I'll be all right!

 

I'll be there. Thanks again.'

 

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

 

'Now that's really not a problem' says Walt, warming to the idea.

'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there

... By the way, what should I wear?'

 

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

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