Official forum joke thread

[mikenyc]

What's the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?

 

The placement of the dirtbag.

[conditionfreak]

So one day a man is coming home and sees two fellows standing on the roof of his building. Curious, he heads up to meet them.

 

When he arrives the two men are involved in an animated discussion. After he inquires what is the matter, they reply that they were just discussing the invisible trampoline suspended in mid-air beside the building.

 

'Invisible trampoline!?', the man said.

 

'Yes, just watch and I'll show you' and the fellow who spoke jumped off the roof and bounced right back as if he had landed on a trampoline.

 

'Amazing', the man exclaimed and leapt off the building falling to his death.

 

After a moment one of the men turned to the other and said

 

'You're such a prankster Superman'.

[conditionfreak]

Okay, so one day Superman was feeling really horny, but he needed a wing man, so he flew over to the batcave and asked if he wanted to go cruising in the Batmobile to pick up chicks.

 

"I'll have to give you a rain check on that Clark," Batman said, "The Joker just broke out of Arkham Asylum and I have to go catch him."

 

So Superman went to see the Flash in Central City, but Flash said, "I'msorrybutI'mreallybusyTheTrickster'sontheloosea gainandMirrorMasterjustrobedaliquorstoreandCaptain BoomarangisholdingupanarmoredcarsoIjustdon'thavethetime"

 

So Superman went to see Green Lantern but he said, "I'm sorry but I have to go to a meeting out on OA with the rest of the Corps"

 

So Superman went to Atlantis to try to get Aquaman to be his wing man but Aquaman said, "I'm sorry, my brother, Ocean Master is causing problems for a bunch of humpback wales so I have to go take care of that."

 

So as Superman came back out of the water and was flying over an island, he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on a beach and he thinks to himself, "you know, I could just go in and out at super-speed and she'd never know I was there." So he pulled off his tights at superspeed, went down and did his business and then put his tights back on an flew off.

 

"What was that?" Wonder Woman asked.

 

"I'm not sure," said Invisible Kid who was on vacation from the 30th Century, "but my butt hurts"

__________________

[conditionfreak]

Two Popes and a Lawyer were standing at the Gates of Heaven

The first pose entered and ST Peter led him to his new home...A run-down shack

 

When ST Peter returned he led the second Pope to a run-down shack as well

 

The Lawyer however, was led to a huge luxurious mansion.

 

When the two Popes heard about this, they confronted ST. Peter saying

"Why is it that we served the Lord our entire lives, we were Popes, and we get to spend eternity in shacks, while this man was a mere lawyer, and he gets a Mansion?

 

St. Peter scoffed

"We get Popes all the time, but this is the first Lawyer we've seen in nearly two thousand years!!"

[Poe]

I hope I don't get suspended for this.

 

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The barkeep recognizes him from the night before and goes over to say hello. "You were really hammered last night."

 

The man nodded and said "Yeah, you won't believe what happened. I don't even remember how I got home. I just remember standing in my front entry and the whole house began to spin. A wave a nausea washed over me and then I started blowing chunks. I ran down the hallway and got into the bathroom and then I was really blowing chunks."

 

"I don't want to be rude," said the barkeep, "but I've heard a story like this probably a thousand times."

 

 

The man said "No, you don't understand. You see, chunks is my dog."

 

 

 

[Boozad]

An old woman says to her husband over breakfast 'You know, my nipples are still as hot for you as the day we got married'

Her husband replies 'I'm not surprised, one's hanging in your coffee and one's in your porridge'

 

[mikenyc]

An old woman says to her husband over breakfast 'You know, my nipples are still as hot for you as the day we got married'

Her husband replies 'I'm not surprised, one's hanging in your coffee and one's in your porridge'

 

That's awesome!

[seank]

A guy is walking down the street when he sees a sign in front of a diner:

 

Cheese Sandwich $6

Turkey Sandwich $8

Hand Job $10

 

He goes into the diner and sits down. The waitress comes by and he asks, "Are you the one the one that does the hand jobs for $10?"

 

She says, "Yes."

 

He says, "Go wash your hands, I want a sandwich."

[Ares]

An elderly couple go into an examination room and the doctor asks for a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood sample.

 

The old man says, "What?"

 

His wife replys, "Give the man your underwear."

 

[mikenyc]

An elderly couple go into an examination room and the doctor asks for a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood sample.

 

The old man says, "What?"

 

His wife replys, "Give the man your underwear."

[mikenyc]

 

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

 

His mother replies, "The stork brings them."

 

Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who *spoons* the stork?"

 

 

[Bosco685]

A guy is walking down the street when he sees a sign in front of a diner:

 

Cheese Sandwich $6

Turkey Sandwich $8

Hand Job $10

 

He goes into the diner and sits down. The waitress comes by and he asks, "Are you the one the one that does the hand jobs for $10?"

 

She says, "Yes."

 

He says, "Go wash your hands, I want a sandwich."

 

[500Club]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed. In a soft voice, he says, 'Honey, I have a confession to make. This is the pig that I've been screwing.'

 

His wife sits up with contempt on her face and says,'You i d i o t, that's not a pig, it's a sheep!'

 

The husband replies, 'I was talking to the sheep!'

[conditionfreak]

Two truck drivers are exiting the restaurant at a truck stop and they spot a male dog in the parking lot, licking itself.

 

One truck driver says to the other, "man, I wish I could do that".

 

The other truck driver says, "you probably could if you pet him some first".

[mikenyc]

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female

teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about

thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it

was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys

would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet,

one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the

urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting

the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that

he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess

you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.

Thanks for the lift anyhow."

 

 

 

 

[conditionfreak]

A preacher wanted to test his teenage son, to see what kind of man he was going to be when he was grown up.

 

So he goes up to the sons room and places on the sons bed the following items:

 

A bottle of scotch.

A Bible.

A Playboy magazine.

A silver dollar.

 

The father thinks to himself. "I'll hide in his closet and see which one he picks up and that will indicate to me what kind of man he will eventually become.

 

If he picks up the Bible, then he will be a preacher man like me.

 

If he picks up the scotch, he will be a no good drunkard.

 

If he picks up the Playboy, he will be a skirt chaser.

 

If he picks up the silver dollar, he will be a business man."

 

The preacher hears his son coming home from school and he quickly hides in the boys closet and carcks the door just enough so that he can see the items.

 

The boy comes into his room and lays his book bag on the floor and notices the items on the bed.

 

The son then picks up the Bible and puts it in the nightstand drawer and the father thinks, "alright, he is going to be a preacher man like me".

 

Then the boy picks up the silver dollar and puts it in his pocket. Then he picks up the scotch and takes a sip. Then he picks up the Playboy magazine and opens it to the centerfold.

 

The father thinks to himself, "oh no, he is going to be a Marine".

[mikenyc]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

 

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

 

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

 

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[conditionfreak]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

 

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

 

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

 

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

 

Might be the best one thus far.

[Bosco685]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

 

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

 

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

 

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

 

That was one of the earliest jokes I ever heard as a kid.

[Jeffro.]

How do you kill a circus?

 

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Go for the juggler!