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This is a positive thread to make Comics General better.
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Started by porcupine48,

3,896 posts in this topic

slym2none

slym2none

Posted
Posted

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?

A: Sir.

 

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

A: You don't, you get down from a duck.

 

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

 

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?

A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

 

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?

A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

 

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

 

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?

A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

 

Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.

 

Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A: A native eating cherries.

 

Q: How did Tarzan die?

A: Picking cherries.

 

Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?

A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

 

Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?

A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.

 

Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?

A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.

 

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?

A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)

 

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?

A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

 

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?

A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...

 

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

 

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

 

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

 

Q: And why did the tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

 

Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?

A: An elephant's foreskin.

 

Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?

A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.

 

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: Chicken's day off.

 

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?

A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)

 

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?

A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

 

Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?

A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

 

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

 

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?

A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back

 

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?

A: Footprints in the butter.

 

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?

A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

 

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?

A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

 

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?

A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.

 

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?

A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.

 

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?

A: Depends on the number of elephants.

 

Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?

A: The sun roof.

 

Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?

A: They were stuck in the VW bug.

 

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?

A: None, the elephants are in there!

 

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?

A: Optimistic!

 

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?

A: Free Parking.

 

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?

A: Sole use of the elevator.

 

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: Walk him and pitch to the girrafe!

 

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?

A: It's bike is outside.

 

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?

A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

 

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?

A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

 

Q: How do you know if there are four elephants in the pub?

A: There's a VW bug parked outside.

 

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?

A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

A: Elephino. ('ell if I know)

 

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

 

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?

A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

 

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?

A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

 

Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.

A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of the way.

 

Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?

A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.

 

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?

A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

 

Q: What did Jane say?

A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)

 

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?

A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

 

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?

A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons tons of bananas,.....

 

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

 

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.

 

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants are skydiving.

 

Q: Why are pygmies so short?

A: They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.

 

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?

A: From stamp out forest fires.

 

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: From stamp out flaming ducks.

 

Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?

A: To fit on lily pads.

 

Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.

 

Q: Whay are frogs so short?

A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.

 

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

 

Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

 

Q: Why are pygmies so short?

A: They can't tell time.

 

Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?

A: Natives that don't have watches.

 

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)

 

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

 

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?

A: No? Well, it must work.

 

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?

A: Because they might let down their trunks.

 

Q. Why do elephants have four feet?

A. Because lady elephants have big .

 

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?

A: Sheep.

 

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?

A: Because sheep don't have strings.

 

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?

A: Snakes.

 

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?

A: Epileptic pigmies.

 

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?

A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

 

Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?

A: His foot... If he steps on you you're !

 

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?

A: A pachydermatoligist.

 

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Take away his credit card.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A: A two-ton pickup.

 

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?

A: "Can I be on top this time?"

 

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?

A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

 

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?

A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

 

Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?

A: Wipe it off!

 

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?

A: None of the offspring survived.

 

Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?

A: Very nicely.

 

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?

A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

 

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?

A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1

 

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?

A: Lots of room.

 

Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?

A: An elephant.

 

Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

A: Swim for your life!!

 

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?

A: To trip low flying canaries.

 

Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ?

A: He wasn't laying on his back.

 

Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?

A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (somebody want to explain this for me?)

 

Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?

A: A blow job.

 

Q: How do you make an elephant fly?

A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.

 

Q: What is the height of ambition?

A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

 

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?

A: Smokey the Elephant.

 

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?

A: Garbage bags!

 

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?

A: You miss most of the picture!

 

Q: Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?

A: Because if an elephant steps on them, they're !

 

Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on a pygmie?

A: Look what I just stepped in!

 

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?

A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

 

Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?

A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (damn elephants get into everything!)

 

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?!?

A: Silly, a mountain climber is a scaler and you can't cross a vector with a scalar!

 

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orangutan?

A: One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks.

 

Q: How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble?

A: Stuff a bale of hay in it.

 

Q: How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?

A: One straw at a time.

 

Q: What has 2 greay legs and 2 brown legs?

A: An elephant with diarrhea.

 

 

 

-slym

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