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Crisis On Infinite Message Boards
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Started by Illiterati-migration,

1,204 posts in this topic

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Architecht

Architecht

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Posted

(indignant look) When I kill people they're supposed to stay dead.

 

Guess I'll have to step up development on the EvilModerationBeam. We're in early testing right now.

 

(Arch pulls on a lab coat and departs through an adjacent door. The camera shifts and catches him walking into a sterile white lab environment.)

 

(Arch begins talking in a deep announcer's voice.) As you can see, here we are testing the newest in Evil Technology in order to further the progress of the human race towards anarchy and destruction. It is our intention today to test the latest addition to our arsenal, the EvilModerationBeam.

 

(Camera focuses on a large futuristic cannon and pans across to Arch standing proudly beside it.)

 

Like many new technologies, the exact applications of this beam have yet to be determined. Its effects are a little less obviously useful than say a massive EvilDestructoBeam. I ASKED for a massive EvilDestructoBeam, but do I get it. Nooo. I always get the [!@#%^&^] that's hard to use. Anyway, the cannon can't blow anything up, really. It's much more insidious. Watch now as we demonstrate its awesome power.

 

(Arch pulls a pair of safety goggles on as a deep and ominous rumbling begins to eminate from the cannon. In a matter of moments, the slowest beam of energy known to man errupts with eh... slow-like force from the cannon. Arch begins strolling casually next to the beam as it progresses towards its target. His look is a bit perplexed as he wanders down to the cinder-block bricks that the target is pinned to, and stands directly in front of the beam watching it roll towards him like molasses.)

 

Is this really as fast as it goes guys? (Three technicians near a control panel in the back of the room nod in unison. Arch shoots them each in the head with a small pistol and watches them fall to the ground.) Maybe we can work on that. You guys should stay late tonight.

 

Uhm. So we're working on the speed. But check this out. (Arch quickly steps out of the way of the oncoming beam... ok not really quickly. Maybe just quickly by comparison? Brisk maybe? Would you believe hastily?)

 

(The camera turns slowly toward the doomed target of the E.M.B. and reveals a pair of Mylite's Short Shorts pinned to the cinder blocks. The beam creeps towards the shorts.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It creeps some more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's still creeping.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait for it....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Creep

Creep

Creep

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Almost there.... creepy creepy creepy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZWWWWW WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOSSSS SSSSSCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKBLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

(A massively bright light explodes... well maybe more like slowly eminates from? The short shorts. When the smoke and light clear, the only thing that's left of the poor target is....

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

Moderately short shorts.

 

(The camera finally turns away from this devastating result and manages to catch Arch as he wanders out of the room. The mic just barely picks up his mumbling. "Gotta be some kind of use for this stupid thing....")

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Illiterati-migration

Illiterati-migration

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(A massively bright light explodes... well maybe more like slowly eminates from? The short shorts. When the smoke and light clear, the only thing that's left of the poor target is....

 

 

 

Moderately short shorts.

 

 

These shorts... have been Moderated.

 

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Joanna

Joanna

Posted
Posted

An update because I missed the massacre and wanted to have some fun.

 

Issue 11, part 5: One Dame At A Time

 

Featured Players:

 

Week Guy (NewtSamson) Lord of Time Stream

Month Guy (Johnny Double) Lord of Time Stream

Mylite (greggy) slabbed, irresistible

KostumeKween (MajorKhaos) not so deceased

Spelling Bee (PovertyRow) flight, stinger

Flying Donut (Flying Donut) Flight

Lighthouse (Lighthouse) eye beams

Emoticon (BachelorOfComix) can be any emoticon

Alias (Bonds) can split into 12

Raspberry Toaster Pastry (Darthdeisel) flight, goo

Snowball (The Beyonder) goo

Twinkie (Hogations) goo

Uranus (Old Guy) flight, noxious scent

The Brick (Crisco) invulnerable

Runt (BigMan) Shrinking power

Mercury (Dam60) flight, heat, speed

 

Issue 11, part 5: One Dame At A Time

 

"Our heads are almost turned," says Jonny. The two fake agents are inches from seeing the scheming, plotting group of superhero travelers in the time stream when they hear a high-pitched scream. They whip their heads back to Mylite, who has the sense to make his scream more manly the second time.

 

"What is it, Mylite?" asks Newt.

 

"Ohh... nothing, I, uh, thought I saw a mouse."

 

"In the time stream? We don't have rodents in here. Unless Mighty Mouse is one of your crew," says Johnny, beginning the slow process of turning his head again.

 

"No! Not a mouse!" screams Mylite, gaining both men's attention once more. "I just... well..." He isn't sure what to say. What made him scream was something so horrifying that he felt more screams welling from within. Yet he knew that he couldn't let the agents know, or they might suspect the mission of the group. "Look, fellas, I have to go talk to my friends. Would you mind standing here facing away from us for a few minutes? I'll be back soon."

 

"Why should we face away?"

 

"So that you can... um... better visualize me and anticipate my return. If you actually watch me, your visualization will be compromised."

 

The agents, both hopelessly in love with the irresistible Mylite, agree. "Will do, honey. Do you mind if I call you honey?"

 

"Yes, I mind. Be right back."

 

Mylite hurries over to the group. His heart almost breaks with joy at the sight of Kostume Kween, but his horrible secret that makes him want to scream overrides any joyous reunion.

 

"Everyone be quiet! I have something to tell you!" he says.

 

Because the others are all silent when he says this, they mime locking their lips and throwing away a key, to make him feel better. No one wants to make the irresistible Mylite feel bad.

 

"What's wrong, Mylite?" whispers Bee.

 

"He knows we're here!" he says.

 

"Who knows?"

 

"The Archi-Moderator! He knows we're in the time stream!"

 

"Impossible," says Donut. "No one knows we're here except us."

 

"Hi, Mylite!" says Kostume Kween.

 

"Hey, Kween, you look great!" says Mylite.

 

"Thanks. It's a new wig. I decided to go for the sixties flip instead of the seventies long and straight look."

 

Bee snaps his fingers in front of Mylite's slab to get his attention. "Catch up later! Why do you think the Archi-Moderator knows we're here?"

 

"Look at my -- good Lord, I can barely say it."

 

"What???" asks Lighthouse.

 

"MY SHORTS!" Mylite closes his eyes, swallows loudly, then outstretches his arms so that everyone can have a good look.

 

"Told you he wasn't Jewish," says Emoticon. Alias hands him $20.

 

Donut averts his eyes. "They're, um, very nice. Do they call that khaki or tan?"

 

"Tan. Khaki is green," says Raspberry Toaster Pastry.

 

"Not the color! Look at them! They've been MODERATED! They used to be the perfect size, but now they're hanging down almost to mid-thigh!"

 

"Do you know what this means?" says Bee. Everyone shrugs.

 

"I hate pop quizzes," says Snowball.

 

"Shut up, foolio," says Twinkie, "Bee will tell us the answer in a second.

 

"It means the Archi-Moderator knows we're in the time stream!" says Mylite.

 

"No, it means the Archi-Moderator knows we're in the time stream," says Bee.

 

There is a gasp at Bee's announcement.

 

"I don't know, Bee. I think Mylite might be right on this one," says Kostume Kween.

 

"No, I'm certain I'm right," says Bee.

 

"Who am I, ablue? Didn't anyone hear me say it first?" asks Mylite.

 

"It doesn't matter who said what first, Mylite. What matters is that I'm right," says Bee. "And that means we have to step up the time table. There'll be no picnic lunch, no sack races, and no amateur talent show prior to putting the plan in action."

 

There is a groan of disappointment.

 

"There goes my 'An Hour With Helen Reddy' one man show", says Uranus.

 

"And you can forget the German potato salad I slaved over. It'll be ruined," says The Brick.

 

"Oh man, I love your potato salad!" says Runt. No one hears him.

 

"Uh, Mylite? If you're here, who's distracting the goons?" asks Mercury.

 

Mylite glances at the agents and sees that once again they are slowly turning their heads. Horrified, he realizes that the heady mix of Kostume Kween's return and his own short-shorts modification has had a debilitating effect on his attracting rays. "I better get back. Hurry! Don't delay any futher! We have to get to the beginning of time!"

 

"This is what we're going to do," says Bee. "We're going to hurry. No more delays. We really need to get to the beginning of time."

 

"I just said that!"

 

"But I used slightly different words, and I felt mine had more impact."

 

Everyone nods.

 

"Bee's right."

 

"I'm with Bee."

 

His attraction rays at empty, Mylite makes an heroic attempt to rejuice. With all the power within, he pours out attraction. His face mashes in the strained expression of someone who has eaten nothing but cheese for 14 days straight and vows to stay on the can until something comes out.

 

"Mylite is cute."

 

"What he said is better."

 

"Is Bee even here? All I hear is Mylite."

 

Satisfied, Mylite races back to the agents with his clumsy yet strangely adorable slabbed gait.

 

To be continued...

 

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Joanna

Joanna

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Mr. Nice banned.

 

There go my plans to have new board member Mr. Nice take up the mantle of The Trimmer, his hero from days of yore. Black Shotzy asked me to take him out of the story, but Mr. Nice never made any objections, so I figured that meant it would be OK! I guess I'll have to wait until a mysterious new member arrives.

 

-- Joanna

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greggy

greggy

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Posted
Mr. Nice banned.

 

There go my plans to have new board member Mr. Nice take up the mantle of The Trimmer, his hero from days of yore. Black Shotzy asked me to take him out of the story, but Mr. Nice never made any objections, so I figured that meant it would be OK! I guess I'll have to wait until a mysterious new member arrives.

 

-- Joanna

Do you want me to create one? sumo.gif
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Joanna

Joanna

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Posted

since Second guy disappeared after a second in the story I can take on the Trimmer Role

 

Oh ye of little faith. Second Guy isn't gone, just missing. As for Trimmer, I'll just leave him dead for now.

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Joanna

Joanna

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Posted
It's been said many many many times in this thread...... wow what a great story....

 

893applaud-thumb.gif893applaud-thumb.gif893applaud-thumb.gif893applaud-thumb.gif

 

 

CONGRATS

 

 

WEBHEAD grin.gif

 

Thank you, webhead, but don't you think I need a good cattle prod or something to get me back at it? This is ridiculous! Why must we all wait so long between posts??? That Joanna makes me so angry sometimes!!!!

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Joanna

Joanna

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Issue 11, part 6: A Snitch in Time...

 

Appearing in this issue:

 

Mylite (greggy) slabbed, irresistible

Month Guy (Johnny Double) Lord of Time Stream

Week Guy (NewtSamson) Lord of Time Stream

Second Guy (Ares) Lord of Time Stream

Minute Guy (DiceX) Lord of Time Stream

Hour Guy (PedgreeMan) Lord of Time Stream

Day Guy (hobbes) Lord of Time Stream

Year Guy (justiceleaguefiend) Lord of Time Stream

Decade Guy (Chrisfuccione) Lord of Time Stream

Century Guy (sfilosa) Lord of Time Stream

Millenium Guy (blowout) Lord of Time Stream

Venus (CosmicBob) flight, love

Susie Q (Andrew Knight) goo

Damp Dude (Elvis) Aqua powers

Go Go (Speedjunkies) Superspeed

Raspberry Toaster Pastry (Darthdeisel) flight, goo

Flying Donut (Flying Donut) Flight

Emoticon (BachelorOfComix) can be any emoticon

Spelling Bee (PovertyRow) flight, stinger

 

 

Issue 11, part 6: A Snitch in Time...

 

 

Mylite is at the end of his reserves, and is now attractive only to his mother and professional ice skaters. Exhausted beyond measure, his slab topples, turning him from a 9.8 to a 5.5 on impact. He passes out.

 

The spell on Newt and Jonny is instantly broken.

 

"What did we see in him? Sure, he's fine, but--"

 

"Fine minus."

 

"No way! There was nothing minus about him," says Jonny. "That would be so negative! This is Mylite we're talking about here."

 

"Damn that missing nomenclature. Let's figure this out. He was very good at what he did and was, as you said, fine-looking. Maybe he was a VG/F?" Newt scratches his head, staring at the oversized number without an accompanying alpha.

 

"What are we saying? Neither of us is attracted to him anymore, right? So who cares what his grade is. 5.5 must be F-."

 

"I guess." Pause. "Still... those shorts do look really good on him."

 

"They do! They're so-- hold me closer tiny dancer, what's this? The shorts! They've been moderated!!"

 

"Great clocks in heaven!"

 

"Quick, alert the home office!"

 

"I'm on it," says Newt.

 

Meanwhile

 

"Great clocks in heaven!"

 

"What is it, Day Guy?" asks Decade Guy

 

"I felt a pulse in the time stream!"

 

"A pulse? What sort of pulse?"

 

"A moderating pulse!"

 

"Great clocks in heaven..." whispers Century Guy.

 

"What's this about a pulse?" asks Millennium Guy.

 

"I felt it. In the time stream. A pulse of a moderating nature." Sweat breaks out on Day guy's brow at having to address Millennium Guy directly.

 

"A moderating pulse? You're sure?"

 

"Yes."

 

"How sure? Kinda sure, fairly sure, or pretty darn sure?"

 

"Pretty darn sure, sir."

 

"Pretty darn sure," mumbles Millennium Guy. "That's pretty darn high on the sureness scale. You're sure?"

 

"I'm sure that I'm pretty darn sure."

 

"Kinda sure, fairly sure, or pretty darn sure that you're pretty darn su--"

 

Thankfully, Second Guy buzzed into the room, stopping the repetitive conversation before it could take up four more pages of mostly cut and paste. "Sirs! I have a message from Week Guy! He says they've intercepted a moderating ray from outside the Time Stream, and it's affecting the cutest superhero!"

 

"Is he sure?" asks Millennium Guy.

 

"Let's just assume he is," says Century Guy. "Sir."

 

"There's another one! It missed the superheroes and... and... oh no! Week Guy was hit!" Day Guy spins several dials and pushes randomly on buttons. His monitor changes hue several times, but is otherwise unaffected.

 

"Why is he green?" asks Year Guy.

 

"Maybe that's the moderation," says Hour Guy.

 

"No, that's the monitor. We need a new one," says Day Guy, surreptitiously returning the hue settings to normal. "The moderation -- it's far too hideous to discuss!"

 

"Is the moderation kinda hideous, fairly hideous, or pretty darn hideous?" asks Millennium Guy.

 

"Pretty darn hideous, sir!"

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"Wait! There's a message coming through! And it's from a very surprising source..."

 

Meanwhile...

 

 

"Wasn't that FBI guy a blond before? Now he's a redhead. And I sure don't remember him having dreds. Strange." Venus stars intently at the agent, who is staggering under the weight of waist-length dredlocks.

 

"I don't notice guy's hair," says Susie Q. "I'm all man. Totally male. Never even looked at another guy with a thought about fashion."

 

"What, just noticing hair makes me gay or something? He had short blond hair and now he has waist-length red dredlocks! That doesn't seem odd to you?"

 

"Okay, a little odd. But I'm not noticing it, okay?"

 

Venus inches away from Susie Q and heads toward the center of the group. They're all in deep discussion.

 

"Well, Mylite's out of it," says Damp Dude. "I guess it's up to me to distract those guys. Damn me for being such a pretty man."

 

"Dude, really, not your thing," says Go Go.

 

"But it's mine," says Raspberry Toaster Pastry. "I'll go."

 

"Thank you, RTP. We appreciate the sacrifice," says Donut.

 

"Anything for the JBH."

 

"And the rest of us -- duh!" says Emoticon.

 

"Whatever."

 

Just then an invisible wave blasts the center of the group! It wreaks havoc among the heroes closest to it -- moderating costumes, powers, hairstyles, and collecting preferences. Chaos breaks out among the gathered heroes as they are trapped in the unrelenting wave of moderation. The time stream holds them in place like bugs in a roach motel. There is nowhere to run. The distant sound of maniacal laughter echoes off the gooey walls as each man prepares to meet his maker.

 

And even as they are trampled by the unrelenting moderating pressure, they are suddenly surrounded by The Time Masters.

 

"The Archi-Moderator will be very pleased to see what we've captured today," says Millennium Guy. "There'll no be no trip to the beginning of time for you wannabe heroes."

 

"How...?" gasps Bee as his yellow and black stripes fade away, to be replaced by the nutty brown of a dirt wasp. "How... did you... know?"

 

"One of your own told us."

 

"We have... a mole? A snitch? A ratfink dirty-butted stoolie?"

 

"Who?" comes the whispers of many lips.

 

"Who?" they ask, no longer trusting the faces they've come to know.

 

"[!@#%^&^]!" says Bee. "That's a rotten thing to do. I want to know who it is."

 

"Would you say it was kinda rotten, fairly rotten, or pretty darn rotten?"

 

To be continued...

 

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