I can just see it now. This movie will have Rey juggling light-sabres while riding a magical unicorn that breathes fire, into battle against Kylo Ren where he does nothing but slip on banana peels and step on rakes. Poe spends the movie making prank calls to the first order, each time ending with Hux shaking his fist at the phone "WHY, YOU!!!!" as he slams the receiver down. Finn gets a vital mission to save the rebellion. He somehow trips and falls into a storage unit which locks behind him, he spends the rest of the movie trying to climb his way out. Luke appears in astral form moping around about how there's nothing to do and "he's BORED" as he sulks with his headphones on. The film comes to a head with Leia (CGI) reaching out with the force and simultaneously blows up all first order ships in the galaxy. She then opens up a new Jedi temple with the Porgs as its first students. And after the credits, we will have a scene with all them sitting around a table eating falafel in silence. Fanboys will come out the theater in tears "FINALLY, A STAR WARS MOVIE THAT SPEAKS TO ME!"
Paid Critic Score: 107.5%
Hope-to-be-paid-someday Critic Score: 109%