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Crisis On Infinite Message Boards
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Started by Illiterati-migration,

1,204 posts in this topic

Illiterati-migration

Illiterati-migration

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It's my fault for not writing more crisis. You're waiting for the next installment, "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Time Masters" and it's not here. I hang my head in shame. Not shamed enough to write anything, but shamed, nonetheless.

 

-- Joanna

 

Yes - it is all YOUR fault - all this petty bickering - this animosity - this lack of cordiality - having to read Khaos posts! blush.giffrown.gif Awww, I didn;t mean that. frown.gif

 

In this thread, Lord Khaos is sacred, for he is The Originator.

 

-- Joanna

 

which is amusing, because on all other threads, MajorKhaos is profane, for he is The Instigator.

 

angel.gif

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Illiterati-migration

Illiterati-migration

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It's my fault for not writing more crisis. You're waiting for the next installment, "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Time Masters" and it's not here. I hang my head in shame. Not shamed enough to write anything, but shamed, nonetheless.

 

-- Joanna

 

Yes - it is all YOUR fault - all this petty bickering - this animosity - this lack of cordiality - having to read Khaos posts! blush.giffrown.gif Awww, I didn;t mean that. frown.gif

 

In this thread, Lord Khaos is sacred, for he is The Originator.

 

-- Joanna

 

Actually, he's just the real estate agent! 27_laughing.gif

 

It's not my fault you can't spell simple words like "apropos"! sumo.gif

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PovertyRow

PovertyRow

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It's not my fault you can't spell simple words like "apropos"!

 

You act surprised, stunned, puzzled, confused, perplexed and bewildered that Pov has made a typo???????????? frown.gif

 

PS - have you watched the Measles Boy one yet?

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Joanna

Joanna

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Issue 12, Part 2.5: Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Time

 

The Time Masters

 

Second Guy (Ares) Lord of Time Stream

Minute Guy (DiceX) Lord of Time Stream

Hour Guy (PedgreeMan) Lord of Time Stream

Day Guy (hobbes) Lord of Time Stream

Year Guy (justiceleaguefiend) Lord of Time Stream

Decade Guy (Chrisfuccione) Lord of Time Stream

Century Guy (sfilosa) Lord of Time Stream

Millennium Guy (blowout) Lord of Time Stream

 

Issue 12, Part 2.5: Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Time

 

Millennium Guy strides into the room, his regal bearing and long, flowing white mane, long, flowing purple robe, and long, flowing back hair making him a force to reckoned with, though rarely dated.

 

"By the clocks of Ganthor, what is going on in here?"

 

"Nuffin," says Year Guy, shuffling the toe of one foot while whistling and looking guilty.

 

"He did it!" shouts Minute Guy, pointing to Century Guy. "He sent Week Guy and Month Guy into the time stream and all heck broke loose!"

 

"You mean 'Time of the Month' Guy," snickers Hour Guy.

 

Day Guy glares at Hour Guy, but Year Guy hides a small smile.

 

"Who in Ganthor's name are those... those... costumed cossacks?" asks Millenium Guy, pointing to the meeting of the Solar Powers with the Hostess Horde in the time of Neanderthals.

 

"Um... they're, uh, you see... um..."

 

Century Guy breaks off Year Guy's mumbling response. "They are superheroes, sir. Costumed do-gooders who managed to breech the time tunnel. We sent Week Guy and Month Guy in to contain the situation, but unfortunately, the various groups slipped through the fabric of time and landed somewhat willy-nilly throughout several eras."

 

"They're looking for time portals," says Minute Guy.

 

"Time portals? Time portals? Are they daft? Who in the name of Ganthor's left testicle told them that were such things as time portals?" Millennium Guy's back hair is standing on end, adding to the frightening majesty that is the Supreme Lord of Time.

 

"They read comic books, sir." Day Guy gives a shrug, then returns to monitoring the monitors, in a somewhat redundant fashion.

 

Off Millennium Guy's confusion, Hour Guy says, "Comic books are illustrated texts extolling the virtues of heroic individuals who wear primary colors."

 

"Hence, the fashion errors," added Minute Guy helpfully, pointing to a monitor showing the N'Superables.

 

"I see..." says Millennium Guy. "None of them have touched anything, though, right?"

 

The rest of the Lords look at each other sheepishly and hide their faces. "Unfortunately, they have, sir," says Century Guy. "They have had somewhat of a disruptive effect on their various eras. The Solar Powers have killed a T-Rex. One of the Hostess Horde appears to be moments away from impregnating a Neanderthal girl. The N'Superables have just realized that Action 1 – the most famous of their beloved comic books – is on the newsstand and will most likely disrupt comic values so severely that there will be a crash in 2004. The Hero Squadron has killed German soldiers in World War II. The Marvelous Four have picked up a new member native to the time period and are heading to the OK Coral. The villains have lost one member, and gained two more and there's no telling what havoc they'll wreak. The Bad Brigade is in jail in the land of funny animals, and the JBH has landed smack dab in the middle of the Beginning of Time, which was the destination of all these interferers in the first place. It seems they're all fighting the Archi-Moderator and think they're soooo important, gonna save the world, yadda yadda. It is... well, there's no other way to say it. It is as hairy as Ganthor's bal—"

 

"I get the picture," says Millennium Guy. "We need to take action. And not the comic book, I mean action like we have to do something. Something powerful and overwhelming with lots of special effects."

 

"Uh, sir, if I may?" cuts in Decade Guy.

 

"Proceed."

 

"I fear that a flashy display, though impressive, might aggravate the situation even further. Remember when that small kitten fell into the red sea and you parted the whole bloody thing so she could crawl out? They're still talking about that!"

 

"And I never get credit. Yes, perhaps you're on to something. Decade Guy, right?"

 

"Yes, sir."

 

"Do you have some sort of plan to get all these spandexed spankers out of the time stream?"

 

"I might. We need to create some sort of low budget time portal that a comic book fan would recognize, but no one else would notice or care about."

 

"Hmm... and what would this look like?"

 

"Swirly," says Minute Guy

 

"Whooshy," says Hour Guy

 

"Milky," says Day Guy

 

"Roundish," says Year Guy

 

"Fleshy!" says Minute Guy, swooping into the room with non-dairy creamer. They all look at him. "What, you're not describing breasts?"

 

"No," says Century Guy, "we're describing fake time portals. Next on the list was your dismissal. What took you so long?"

 

"The 7-11 was out. I had to go to the beginning of time to get some, and there's all sorts of stuff going on there, what with a big red blob, a bunch of bikers and some weirdos from the future. Saw Week Guy and Month Guy, though. Month Guy looks different."

 

Millennium Guy fills his cup with coffee and non-dairy creamer then sighs in relief. Seeing the lords just standing around, he gives them a lethal glare. "Enough talk! It's obvious that this group of would-be heroes is destroying the balance of time! Get to work on building those fake, swirly, whooshy, milky, roundish, fleshy time portals, or by Ganthor's mangled teat, I'll fire you all!" With that, Millennium Guy sweeps regally from the room, taking care not to shut the door on his back hair.

 

"You heard the man. Move!" shouts Century Guy. "And for the love of Ganthor's left something or other, don't blow this one. The fate of the universe and most of greater Akron depends on you!"

 

To be continued...

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Zonker

Zonker

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"They read comic books, sir."
27_laughing.gif

 

 

 

"Swirly," says Minute Guy

 

"Whooshy," says Hour Guy

 

"Milky," says Day Guy

 

"Roundish," says Year Guy

 

"Fleshy!" says Minute Guy, swooping into the room with non-dairy creamer. They all look at him. "What, you're not describing breasts?"

Say what ya will: Joanna does Know Her Audience. thumbsup2.gif

 

 

 

in the name of Ganthor's left testicle

by Ganthor's mangled teat,

Sounds like quite a... guy? confused.gifcrazy.gif
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Joanna

Joanna

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Thanks, House. And thanks, Zonker. It was purely a guess that the gentlemen on this board would be attracted to the image of a time portal resembling a large breast.

 

-- Joanna

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Joanna

Joanna

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Issue 12, Part 3A: When When the Mood Hits with Goo, Planets Come From the Blue: That's Amoré!

 

 

Starring

 

Twinkie (Hogations) goo

Snowball (The Beyonder) goo

Ding Dong (Aman) goo

Ho Ho (Ninanina) goo

Fruit Pie (JLA All the Way) goo

Cupcake (Doyle) goo

Susie Q (Andrew Knight) goo

Mercury (Dam60) flight, heat, speed

Venus (CosmicBob) flight, love

Earth (Ubiquiti) flight, power over dirt

Mars (Mushroom) flight, warrior skills

Uranus (Old Guy) flight, noxious scent

Saturn (Odin) flight, energy rings

Jupiter (BronzeBruce) flight, gas

Neptune (Zonker) flight, water

Pluto (hkp) flight, ice

Century Guy (sfilosa) Lord of Time Stream

 

And introducing...

 

Bono fantasyfootballbono super strength

 

 

 

Issue 12, Part 3A: When When the Mood Hits with Goo, Planets Come From the Blue: That's Amoré!

 

 

In the time of the Neanderthals, the members of the Hostess Horde, with the exception of the amorous Snowball, watch as the Solar Powers orbit into a soft landing a few yards away.

 

"Yo, Horde! How's it hanging?" asks Neptune.

 

"Big and hairy," answers Ding Dong.

 

"Nice," says Cupcake. "My mother reads this."

 

"No kidding?" asks Susie Q. "She still keep you in her basement?"

 

"Ha. Ha. Coinee humor, I get it. No, as a matter of fact, she reads it for the JBH. She loved them as a kid."

 

"Welcome to the land of the Neanderthals," says Twinkie.

 

"Neanderthals, huh?" says Jupiter, watching as the cave men cavort and frolic among the daisies and buttercups of their serene valley.

 

"So... any mammoth left?" asks Uranus.

 

Fruit Pie glances at the enormous carcass of a mammoth with only one small square cut from its side. "I dunno. There might be a scrap or two, if you're willing to dig for it. What do you think? They're bigger than freaking elephants!"

 

"Just asking," says Uranus grumpily. He lets off some noxious scent to nonverbally voice his disapproval of wise guy superheroes whose only power is making creamy filling.

 

"Oh, man!"

 

"Sheesh!"

 

"Give a guy some warning, Slick!"

 

"I gotta barf."

 

Down in the valley, several of the Neanderthals pass out.

 

"Nice one. You killed a bunch of cave men with your natural gas," says Saturn.

 

"That's a PR nightmare," says Pluto. "Quick, think of a way we can spin this to make us look better."

 

"Easy. They have weapons of mass destruction," says Mars.

 

"They have pointy sticks," says Earth.

 

"Same difference."

 

Jupiter pulls Twinkie aside. "So what's the score here. Any trouble from Gorilla Grodd and his friends?"

 

"Nah, they're a great bunch of guys. So how did you find us?"

 

"I have no idea. We fell through the time stream and landed right in the middle of the age of dinosaurs. We killed a T-Rex then orbited out of there. Next thing we know we see you guys."

 

"Hmm..." Twinkie paces a bit, frowning in concentration. "Dinosaurs and cave men never existed at the same time, yet somehow, in this mixed-up world, they do. Very curious."

 

"It's like the comics. People and dinos existed together there."

 

"Interesting theory. What do we do next?"

 

"We need to find a portal." Jupiter pauses dramatically. "A time portal."

 

"Yeah, we thought of that, too." Off Jupiter's disappointed look, Twinkie says, "But we never thought to pause so dramatically when saying it. So kudos to you."

 

Jupiter smiles. Suddenly, a human scream rings out. "What the blue blazes is that?"

 

Twinkie glances toward the cave. "Snowball. He's been screaming like that for fifteen minutes now. I have no idea why. Probably just letting off a little steam with that Neanderthal female who just achieved the age of mating."

 

"Ah, well, as long as nothing is wrong." Jupiter and Twinkie return to their tête-à-tête, doing their best to ignore the throat-ripping, lung-tearing screams.

 

Meanwhile...

 

"Grnnndt!" says Goo, beating her chest. Why does he run from me? Is my butt not hairy enough? My brow ridges too small? My build not stocky enough? What's wrong with me? The other girls were right – I'll never land a mate by age 10.

 

"GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY FROM ME!" says Snowball. Get away from me! Get away from me! Get away from me!

 

"Glrnnndt?" Those sounds he's making; they're so passionate! He really does love me! I can't wait to tell daddy that I've found my soulmate! Finally, I can dump that loser I've been dating since age 7. I wuv my widdle Snowy-bowy, mwah, mwah, mwah!

 

"GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY FROM ME!" says Snowball. Get away from me! Get away from me! Get away from me!

 

Using all the brainpower residing in her enormous cranium, Goo says, "Kuhm tooo Mah Mah!"

 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

Meanwhile...

 

"So that's where it stands. Now, does anyone have any theories on what a time portal would look like? I'm assuming it would have to be close to what we've seen portrayed in the comics. Any theories?" Jupiter sees Earth with his hand up. "Earth?"

 

"I feel it would be swirly," says Earth.

 

"And perhaps whooshy," says Mercury

 

"It could be rather milky," says Venus

 

"Most likely roundish," says Saturn

 

"Fleshy globes, with big hard nipples that you use to dial the era you want to travel to," says Uranus. They all look at him. "You read the comics you like, and I'll read the comics I like."

 

"All right then, we look for something that might've been used in an X-rated episode of Star Trek, the original series."

 

Meanwhile...

 

Up in Time Central.

 

"Minute Guy, there's a design change. Add some big nipples that double as dials. Can't believe we never thought of that," says Century Guy.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Snowball, now smiling contentedly, smokes a cigarette. "You were wonderful, baby."

 

"Glllblllblllb," says Goo.

 

"Aw shucks, honey, you really think so? Well, I hate to brag, but I was voted sexiest member of the AV Club, my sophomore and junior year." Damn that Dexter Allen Minskowitz for transferring to our school senior year.

 

Goo smiles toothily at Snowball. So he sucks at honka-honka. He's still really cute, in a flat-faced, pointy-chinned way.

 

"Hey, you wanna come with us? We're on an adventure in time, on our way to saving the universe. We'll probably all die, but we could have some laughs on the way."

 

"Fllrt." Shyah, right.

 

"You're flirting with me! Great! C'mon, let's tell the others."

 

Snowball grabs Goo by the hand and runs for the entrance to the cave. When they emerge, it's a chaotic scene. A large, swirling, whooshing, milky, roundish breast is hovering near the cave. Ho Ho is playing with a giant nipple while the rest of the horde and the Solar Powers look on. Before Snowball can react, he is grabbed by the back of his uniform and hoisted off his feet.

 

"Grrrahhh!" roars his attacker.

 

"Help!"

 

The Neanderthals in the valley look up at the roar and begin running toward the scene, panic in their faces.

 

"Grrraahhh! Gorn da flllkkt rapchit klllrg!" says the Mighty cave man holding Snowball.

 

"Uh oh," says Goo.

 

"Who... what... whoa!" says Snowball as the cave man shakes him.

 

"Mah ecks-boyfrennn," says Goo. "Znobaww, Bono. Bono, Znobaww."

 

To be continued...

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