Crisis On Infinite Message Boards 6 6

[Joanna]

Issue 7, Part One: Someone Dies

 

"Look! In the sky! What the...?"

 

Darthdiesel doesn't feel like looking. He has a new shipment from CGC and knows it's all about the grades. Will his son eat? Wll his wife play naughty umpire with his corked bat? If he has some 10's you bet she will!

 

"There's 3 of them!"

 

The crowd is growing thicker, mumbles turning to shouts as all eyes focus upward. Unable to resist, Darth glances toward the sky and nearly drops his box of fragile slabs. "Holy moley...!" he whispers. "It's them! It's the JBH!"

 

A woman standing next to him taps him on the shoulder. "JBH?"

 

"The Justa Buncha Heroes! They were huge way back in the olden days. But I thought they were all retired, or dead, or playing Scrabble in the park. I can't believe it -- the frickin' JBH! See the big round thing?"

 

"You mean that flying donut?

 

"No, that's Flying Donut. And through his middle is Lighthouse. And buzzing next to them is Spelling Bee! Damn, what I wouldn't give to join them."

 

"Well," says the woman, hesitating just a bit. "I do have a radioactive raspberry in my purse. You could eat it and see what happens."

 

For some reason, this seems quite logical to Darth. "'Kay!" He hands her his box of slabs - something he'd never do if he weren't pumped up on visions of heroic deeds with the JBH -- and chomps down the raspberry. Suddenly, it feels as though his entire body is being ripped apart from the inside. His screams of agony get a laugh or two from gman and shuley who are nearby, but soon even their guffaws are silenced. The crowd slowly parts to reveal Darth standing proudly, chest outthrust, buttocks lunging skyward, privates covered by a leaf and two stems in all his female glory. "By the seven moons of Penthouse, I've become Raspberry Toaster Pastry! My wife is gonna kill me." But after a moment's thought, he adds, "I soooo need to videotape us making out."

 

"Focus, RTP. You wanted to join the JBH, remember?" the woman reminds him.

 

"Oh yeah, right. The JBH. Got it. Um... so what sort of powers do you think I have?"

 

"Touch your right breast and you have the ability to make anything rise. Touch your left breast and you'll get a noxious stream of white goo that can entrap nearly anything."

 

"How do you know all this?"

 

"My brother put some on his Corn Flakes. The powers last 24 hours. Here's the rest of the bag." She hands him a Glad Sandwich Bag with several raspberries in it."

 

"Don't you have a Ziplock? They'll fall out."

 

"Do you want them or not?"

 

"Yoink!" he says, grabbing the bag. Then he touches his right breast, groans happily, and shoots into the air.

 

Meanwhile...

 

"Why are we here, puny human?" booms Dr. Gloom.

 

"This bites, '!" adds Coinee.

 

"Silence! When you address the Archi-Moderator you must speak humbly and with humility and obsequiousness." Deena-myte slaps Coinee who begins crying like a baby.

 

"I'm telling your Mom!" he whimpers.

 

Gemma-Mint gives him a grape sucker, and that quiets him for the nonce.

 

"Sucker. Mmmm."

 

"You have performed well, my minions," says Archi-Moderator in his sepulchral voice. "But we have a small problem. Three men are even now approaching, readying for an attack."

 

Dr. Gloom and Coinee watch as the JBH draws ever closer. "They are no match for Dr. Gloom!" says Dr. Gloom. "My knowledge of the ways of old butter alone will fell them."

 

"Yeah, well, this really isn't a butter thing," says Archi. "I've put my Invisibles out there to intercept them. But this proves that not everyone has been fooled by the anti-forum cloud. Somehow they knew about the other forums."

 

"There are other forums?" asks Coinee.

 

"Silence, fool!" shouts Dr. Gloom. "Anyone with a brain knows there are other forums!" Beat. "So, um, which of the 'other forums' are you talking about, Archi? The... um... mphrbpl forum?"

 

"Liar!" screams Coinee. "You don't know about the other forums. You lied! You're a liar! You're a , a turd and a liar!"

 

The Archi-Moderator waves his hand and zippers appear on the mouths of both Coinee and Dr. Gloom. "Srike one. Now shut up and listen. I need you to go to all of the remaining forums and cause panic. Neutralize any other heroes so that nothing can interfere with my plans. Can you do that?"

 

Both men nod.

 

"Excellent. Go." He waves his hand and they disappear.

 

Part Two of Issue 7 coming soon...

 

 

 

 

 

[lighthouse]

Priceless...

[BachelorOfComix]

Yo LH, go back & edit your clapping graemlins post. It's causing everyone to scroll to the right to read each post.

[PovertyRow]

Yo LH, go back & edit your clapping graemlins post. It's causing everyone to scroll to the right to read each post.

 

No - just do what they told me ::sniff sniff:: make your text size smaller (yeah right) and buy a 37 inch monitor instead of ::gasp choke:: more comic books!

[lighthouse]

Yo LH, go back & edit your clapping graemlins post. It's causing everyone to scroll to the right to read each post.

 

No - just do what they told me ::sniff sniff:: make your text size smaller (yeah right) and buy a 37 inch monitor instead of ::gasp choke:: more comic books!

 

I'm on a 15" monitor... and my graemlins show up as nice neat rows...

 

But I have edited my post, for those of you who don't know how to adjust your browser preferences...

[BachelorOfComix]

[PovertyRow]

Well they are showing correctly now. Wonder why you see it ok and many others don't. Tell us your browser secrets.

[chrisco37]

I've become Raspberry Toaster Pastry! My wife is gonna kill me." But after a moment's thought, he adds, "I soooo need to videotape us making out."

 

Joanna -

 

This has to be the funniest thing ever said on the boards! Bravo!

 

Chris

[BachelorOfComix]

Lady & Gentlemen, I present to you, The N'Superables! (or something close to...)

 

Emoticon (BOC)===>

 

Rerun (Araich)===>

 

Supafreak (Supapimp)===>

 

Alias (Bonds25)===>

[BachelorOfComix]

Because the most retconned person on the boards is meth/hammer/blackshotzy/comic-keys, I think he needs a complete reworking.

 

Known now as "The Trimmer"...

 

"The Trimmer"===>

[BachelorOfComix]

With a renewed sense of purpose, Khaos begins his reign as KostumeKween...

 

MK as "KostumeKween"===>

[PovertyRow]

I've become Raspberry Toaster Pastry! My wife is gonna kill me." But after a moment's thought, he adds, "I soooo need to videotape us making out."

 

Joanna -

 

This has to be the funniest thing ever said on the boards! Bravo!

 

Chris

 

Absolutely hilarious! I REALLY want to find out what happens next!

[BachelorOfComix]

Issue 3: The Transformation of greggy!

 

Startled, but feeling unharmed, he rises only to discover that he has been transformed into Mylite The Conqueror -- able to make all men feel effeminate in comparison, and all women to swoon at the very sight of his forbidden beauty.

Mylite The Conqueror (Greggy)===>

[Joanna]

Issue 7, Part Two: Someone dies.

 

"Where can I go to talk to people who collect trading cards?"

 

"Trading cards? What are they?"

 

Chrisco37 turns away from the perplexed men staring at empty SGC slabs. "It's happening too fast. Another forum is gone. Why am I the only one who remembers it? Why am I talking out loud instead of thinking these things? Are thought balloons sooo difficult to write?"

 

Two men bump into Chrisco, knocking him down, but don't appear to notice. "It's Dupcak. I know it. He's behind this whole thing."

 

"Behind what?" asks Chrisco, getting lightly to his feet. "The missing forums? You know who's behind it?"

 

The men stop, wary and cautious and other words that mean the same thing. "Who are you? And how do you know about the missing forums?"

 

"Chrisco37. And I just... remember."

 

"I'm fantastic_four and this is clobberintime. We remember, too."

 

"Finally! We have to do something!"

 

"We were on our way to get dipped in radioactive acid. Wanna come?"

 

"Sure!"

 

Meanwhile...

 

"It's George Bush's fault."

 

"No way. Clinton did it."

 

"Okay, I've finished my cup of water. I think I'll go back to the comics forum," says Ubiquiti, opening the door to the main screen. "Holy inexplicable bubbling black skies! What is that?"

 

Ubiquiti is joined by a bunch of coinees who scream girlishly and run to their own forum. Standing alone, Ubi makes a dash for General Comics.

 

Dam, Bronzebruce, Zonker, Mushroom, Cosmicbob, Odin, Old guy, and Hkp hurry him inside then slam the server shut.

 

"What is it?" asks Dam.

 

"I don't know, but it's all over the place. It was munching on the SGC Registry earlier and had already eliminated the Testing, 1... 2... 3... area in the General Discussion. It almost got me as I passed!" Ubiquity paces nervously, unsure how to attack something that isn't named Bugaboo.

 

"We're going to need to band together to fight this thing. That means we'll need comraderie, a sense of brotherhood, tight costumes, and superpowers."

 

"Dibs on the tight costumes!" shouts Cosmicbob. Maybe that will get Shulkie to notice me... he thinks.

 

"I didn’t get the name Mushroom because I like fungus on my pizza. I have a special stash of spaceshrooms in my preferences file. Each one should have different effects, so be prepared for some wacky results."

 

"Wacky this. I'm not eating any stupid spaceshroom. I've got peyote."

 

"Peyote doesn't give you superpowers."

 

"Makes you think you have'em." Old guy smiles, remembering a self-discovery in his youth that is best left unexplained.

 

"Get the 'shrooms," says bronzebruce with a heroic lifting of his chin. "We're CGC forum members. Men of action. Perfect physical specimens with classic good looks, moral fibre that knows right from wrong, and a selfless will to save others. It should get us some chicks, too."

 

With that, all the men let out a resounding "Boo yah!" and go shopping for spandex.

 

Meanwhile again...

 

"I'm a big, yellow brick. What the [!@#%^&^] kind of super person is a big, yellow brick?" asks Chrisco, staring at his biggish, yellowish, brickish form in the mirror.

 

Clobby steps back in awe. "You're... you're... butter! THE butter! You're the immortal butter brick from the cabin!"

 

"Butter does taste better than Crisco, I have to admit. Okay, you can call me The Brick!"

 

fantastic_four punches The Brick but nothing happens. "You're invulnerable, immortal and greasy. Man, you really lucked out!"

 

"So what can you guys do?" The Brick asks.

 

"Clobby smash!" Raising both hands above his head, clobberintime smashes them down on a stick of balsa wood. It is unharmed. "eep -- that's not it. Ow ow ow ow ow."

 

"I can't stretch or turn invisible," moans fantastic_four. "What good is taking a bath in radioactive acid if you just end up fatally injured?"

 

"Clobby flame on!" With a grunt of concentration, clobberintime tries to become a ball of flame, but only manages to pull a groin muscle. "Ow ow owowow!"

 

"That's not how you do it," ff says. "You do it like this: flame on!" Instantly, ff is a ball of fire. "Well, whaddaya know? Call me Flame War"

 

"Must be all the practice with hammer," mumbles Clobby. Ashamed that he is without powers, he turns invisible.

 

"Where'd he go?" asks Brick.

 

"He was here a second ago."

 

"I'm still here! What, am I invisible now? Call me--"

 

"Where'd-He-Go," say Brick and Flame War in bold, so that the lame name will stick.

 

"Veeery funnny, guys."

 

Stay tuned for Part 3 (sorry this issue is so long, but I'm trying to work in as many forumites as possible and I still have to kill someone)

 

 

[chrisco37]

(sorry this issue is so long, but I'm trying to work in as many forumites as possible and I still have to kill someone)

 

No need to apologize Joanna. We're all riveted to your story. When you're finished, this will be the Greatest Thread ever! Bang up job!

 

Chris

[Joanna]

 

"The Trimmer"===>

 

Boc, you are living up to your superhero name. Bravo! But this looks more like Dr. Gloom (if he'd used a paper bag instead of an oversized Snoopy lunchbox). Close enough!

 

I'm glad you guys are enjoying my silliness. I just couldn't let Khaos's thread die, and once I got started, I couldn't stop. Now, of course, I wish I'd fleshed out some of the earlier issues because suddenly I'm having to write a really looong one just to make up for lost time.

 

And for anyone reading who hasn't spoken up: if you want to be included just put your name in this thread. If you have a power or name preference, add that and I'll probably either ignore it or turn it against you.

 

Coming up: heroes become villains, villains become heroes, big fights, someone dies. Don't take anything personally, it's all meant in fun (and sometimes I'm just grasping at straws because I can't think of a good name or power, or I need someone to do something stupid just because.).

 

-- Joanna

[Zonker]

And for anyone reading who hasn't spoken up: if you want to be included just put your name in this thread. If you have a power or name preference, add that and I'll probably either ignore it or turn it against you.

 

Yeah, we've seen how that kinda request can backfire when asking Arch for custom titles!

 

Enjoyed my cameo in issue 7. But why do I have the sinking feeling somebody's gonna be turned into a Sea Monkey before this is all over?

 

[Joanna]

Because I need to bump this thread so I can find it easier later, I figured I'd do double duty by posting a correction, as well.

 

The first sentence started with this: "Because the most retconned person on the boards is meth/hammer/blackshotzy/comic-keys, I think he needs a complete reworking."

 

It should be changed to this: "Because the most retconned person on the boards is meth/hammer/comic-keys/none-of-whom-is-blackschotzy, I think he needs a complete reworking."

 

Mr. Schotzy appears to have taken some offense at being lumped in with those other names. He feels it is a defamation of character for his made-up screen name to appear near that of other made-up names and a fictional character who is an aerobics instructor.

 

I hope no one else here thinks, as Mr. Schotzy does, that this is somehow a factual record of events and not -- as it most assuredly is -- a fictional account. If any of you would like your screen name removed from the story, please inform me immediately, and I will make the required corrections. Unfortunately, the allowed editing time has expired for the earlier issues, so changes will have to take place in addendums, such as this, or in later issues of the story.

 

I'll hold off posting any new additions to give anyone the chance to get their screen names removed. The purpose of this was not to offend, but to entertain. So let me know if you are, in fact, offended.

 

-- Joanna

[LordRahl]

Anyone offended by this thread needs to check their ego at the door. Or go buy a nice new shiny CGC 10 book with a phallic symbol on the cover to make up for certain defficiencies. Joanna, this is some of the best reading on the board since we've lost Hammer and his lovable threats of bodily harm. However your writing is much more creative, after all there are only so many ways to dismember someone with your bare hands. Great stuff!!!

[BachelorOfComix]

The purpose of this was not to offend, but to entertain. So let me know if you are, in fact, offended.

Joanna, anyone offended by your comedic creative writing can eat and .