Crisis On Infinite Message Boards 6 6

[JLA_ALL_THE_WAY]

A massive goo battle between Raspberry Toaster Pastry and 3 of the Hostess Hoard covers the Ramada courtyard with enough sticky white stuff to make it look like Christmas in Alaska

 

I am utterly dumbfounded that NO ONE has immediately jumped on this obvious opportunity at sexual innuendo or double entendres.

 

Darth, Bug, Greggy, Supa, etc... I am disgusted by the lot of you! Not taking advantage of Joanna after she practically gives you a chance at perverse perception.

 

See- there's another one, " ...taking advantage of Joanna ..."

 

tsk, tsk.

 

You're doing great, girl, keep it up!

 

Whoops.

 

Rick

[Elvis]

Joanna you are a genius. You had me laughing at my keyboard at work, and that is no small task!!! Keep it up!!

 

BRAVO!

[Joanna]

 

I am utterly dumbfounded that NO ONE has immediately jumped on this obvious opportunity at sexual innuendo or double entendres.

 

I know my audience -- that's why it's filled with sexual innuendo and double entendres. If there weren't forum rules, I'd throw in some porn to keep Darth and Lighthouse reading.

 

Actually, Darth's character is a hot chick who, with a squeeze of her right breast "makes things rise" and with a squeeze of her left "makes a white, viscous goo." I think I left innuendo waaaaaay behind and went straight to blatant with that one.

 

You're doing great, girl, keep it up!

 

Thanks, Rick! I'll try to post another part tonight.

 

-- Joanna

[Joanna]

Joanna you are a genius. You had me laughing at my keyboard at work, and that is no small task!!! Keep it up!!

 

BRAVO!

 

Hi Elvis! Thank you very much -- wanna be a character? There's always room for The King.

 

-- Joanna

[lighthouse]

 

I am utterly dumbfounded that NO ONE has immediately jumped on this obvious opportunity at sexual innuendo or double entendres.

 

I know my audience -- that's why it's filled with sexual innuendo and double entendres. If there weren't forum rules, I'd throw in some porn to keep Darth and Lighthouse reading.

 

I don't know about Darth... but you've got me hooked...

 

My only complaint is the lack of a playbill... You should get one of your fanboys to post a cheat sheet... Once you got past 30 characters, I start confusing my forum trolls... But then, I am known for my short attention span...

 

Oooh! Look! A puppy!...

[Joanna]

The Players (I may have forgotten some, so if I did, let me know):

 

The JBH (Justa Buncha Heroes)

 

Flying Donut (Flying Donut)

Lighthouse (Lighthouse)

Spelling Bee (PovertyRow)

Raspberry Toaster Pastry (Darthdeisel)

KostumeKween (MajorKhaos) deceased

 

The Solar Powers

 

Mercury (Dam60)

Venus (CosmicBob)

Earth (Ubiquiti)

Mars (Mushroom)

Uranus (Old Guy)

Saturn (Odin)

Jupiter (BronzeBruce)

Neptune (Zonker)

Pluto (hkp)

 

The N'Superables

 

Emoticon (BachelorOfComix)

Rerun (Araich)

Supafreak (Supapimp)

Alias (Bonds)

Mylite (greggy) (honorary member)

 

The Hostess Hoard

 

Twinkie (Hogations)

Snowball (The Beyonder)

Ding Dong (Aman)

Ho Ho (Ninanina)

Fruit Pie (JLA All the Way)

Cupcake (Doyle)

Susie Q (Andrew Knight)

 

Unaffiliated as yet

 

The Brick (Crisco)

Flame War (Fantastic Four)

Where'd He Go (Clobberintime)

Trimmer (no one in particular) deceased

Den Mothersaur (Joanna)

 

The Villains

 

The Archi-Moderator (Architect)

Dena-Myte (Dena)

Gemma-Mint (Gemma)

The Mods (CGCmod, CGCmod2, NGCmod, SGCmod) deceased

Coinee the Conqueror (Bugaboo)

Dr. Gloom (Joe Collector)

Lord Rawl (Lord Rahl)

 

 

 

[Joanna]

For those who want to know powers, here's a better list (some powers may not be figured out yet and might have a place-holder until I think up something). Print it out and keep it as a scorecard.

 

The JBH (Justa Buncha Heroes)

 

Flying Donut (Flying Donut) Flight

Lighthouse (Lighthouse) eye beams

Spelling Bee (PovertyRow) flight, stinger

Raspberry Toaster Pastry (Darthdeisel) flight, goo

KostumeKweendeceased (MajorKhaos) SA Supergirl

 

The Solar Powers

 

Mercury (Dam60) flight, heat, speed

Venus (CosmicBob) flight, love

Earth (Ubiquiti) flight, power over dirt

Mars (Mushroom) flight, warrior skills

Uranus (Old Guy) flight, noxious scent

Saturn (Odin) flight, energy rings

Jupiter (BronzeBruce) flight, gas

Neptune (Zonker) flight, water

Pluto (hkp) flight, ice

 

The N'Superables

 

Emoticon (BachelorOfComix) can be any emoticon

Rerun (Araich) TV in belly

Supafreak (Supapimp) woolly mammoth

Alias (Bonds) can split into 12

Mylite (greggy) slabbed, irresistible

(honorary member)

 

The Hostess Hoard

 

Twinkie (Hogations) goo

Snowball (The Beyonder) goo

Ding Dong (Aman) goo

Ho Ho (Ninanina) goo

Fruit Pie (JLA All the Way) goo

Cupcake (Doyle) goo

Susie Q (Andrew Knight) goo

 

Unaffiliated as yet

 

The Brick (Crisco) invulnerable

Flame War (Fantastic Four) Flame power

Where'd He Go (Clobberintime) invisibility

Den Mothersaur (Joanna) can be a monster

Trimmer deceased (no one in particular) aerobic weight loss

 

The Villains

 

The Archi-Moderator (Architect) all powerful

Dena-Myte (Dena) semi-all powerful

Gemma-Mint (Gemma) semi-all powerful

Coinee the Conqueror (Bugaboo) nearly invulnerable

Dr. Gloom (Joe Collector) makes things crash

Lord Rawl (Lord Rahl) balloon animals

The Mods deceased (CGCmod, CGCmod2,

NGCmod, SGCmod)

 

 

 

 

[Joanna]

Issue 8, part 5: Death? Maybe?

 

Mercury takes a deep breath. "Okay, I'll join you."

 

"Excellent!" says the Archi-Moderator. "What size spandex do you wear? I have some henchmod uniforms in the back. Just fill out this W-4, sign this liability contract, initial here and here, sign this -- it's so that your dependants can't sue me when you die -- and fill out this Criminal history form."

 

"I don't have a criminal history."

 

"I'll try not to hold that against you, though I do frown on clean records."

 

"And you said 'when you die' -- is that some sort of certainty?"

 

"A mere slip of the tongue! Of course there's an outside chance you'll live through this, so no worries. Why are you claiming 9 dependants?"

 

"Tax break."

 

"Lying to the government -- I like it! You'll fit in just fine. Size?"

 

"I wear a large if it's tight, medium if it's loose. And I prefer something in the blue or green family."

 

"It's strictly black around here. Very slimming."

 

"Oh good, I hate looking hippy." Mercury sighs, bending his head over the forms so Archi can't see the internal struggle reflected on his face.

 

"Okay then, I'll go find you a large."

 

The moment the evil overlord leaves the control room, Mercury pushes the papers aside and approaches the swirling vortex. "Man, I hope this works..." he mumbles.

 

"What's that?" comes a voice from the back room.

 

"I said, 'Man, I hope this works.'" I should have made up something that rhymed like they do on TV. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

 

"There's a lot of give in spandex. It'll work. Be out in a sec -- I'm having trouble finding the large. I over-ordered on the XXL's knowing I would have to recruit comic book fans."

 

Realizing that his chance was now or never, Mercury draws a deep breath then begins to spin. He orbits the vortex in the opposite direction of its swirl, pushing himself to go faster and faster. Straining and spinning and reaching deep inside himself, he breaks the sound barrier, but it's still not fast enough. He can see the slow-motion form of the Archi-Moderator coming out of the storeroom holding several black spandex uniforms, but it's too late to worry, too late to wonder what will happen. Mercury's only job now is to orbit. If he can reach the speed of light, the vortex will be destroyed, according to Spelling Bee. Why were we listening to Spelling Bee on a math question? he asks himself, but he's spinning so fast the question leaves his head before he can think of an answer.

 

He can feel himself approaching some sort of ephemeral barrier. Is it light? Is it time? Is it space? What is the meaning of existence? Faster, faster, faster -- faster, faster, faster -- faster...

 

Suddenly, even as he can feel something begin to change deep within the very cells of his body, he realizes that the sounds pounding around him are the words, "Die, puny planet, die!" At that point, everything goes black.

 

Meanwhile...

 

The hero vs. hero and villain vs. villain fights are over, and everyone is sharing a brewski at the Ramada. A clean-up crew is attempting to get rid of the massive amounts of white goo, but their presence doesn't bother the costumed crowd.

 

"...So she says, 'I don't care what you're supposed to be, spandex is not the material of choice for your body type!"

 

The men laugh, loving the feel of the warm sun, the sparkle of the hotel pool, the cool mugs of beer and the drowsy smoke of good cigars.

 

"Will you look at the time," says Lighthouse, reluctant to interrupt the perfect afternoon. "We should really check in on Mercury."

 

"Oh, man, I forgot all about him!" says Jupiter, slapping himself on the forehead. "I should've counted my planets."

 

"I saw him up in the Archi-Moderator's pod," says Coinee.

 

"That's right!" adds Bee. "He's probably up there dying in the vortex right now. We really need to send a card to his wife."

 

"We should all sign it."

 

"And send flowers."

 

"I'll volunteer to do that," says Mars. "Everyone should chip in, though. I'm not made of money like some people!" He shoots a pointed glance at Coinee and everyone laughs appreciatively.

 

Coinee frowns. "I didn't ask for this, you know."

 

"Oh lighten up," says Mylite. "You can dish it out, but you can't take it, you '."

 

"Can so!" shouts Coinee, ready for a fight.

 

"Chill, man!" says Pluto, zapping him with some ice pellets.

 

This time Coinee laughs, too, and sits back down. "Can't help it. I love to brawl."

 

"We should probably get back to saving -- and destroying -- the universe," says Flying Donut, making sure to include the villains, as is only polite.

 

"Okay, that's true. Who had the Harvey Wallbanger?"

 

"Let me look at that. I had 2 cokes, so $4.00 should be enough, right? How big a tip do we need to leave?"

 

While they settle their bar tab, a battle for the fate of the universe rages far above them, and a small planet's life hangs in the balance. Only one pair of eyes watches the hovering pod.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Although unconscious, Mercury's momentum is about to take him past lightspeed -- which would have defeated the vortex and killed the hero. But in the nanosecond before this ultimate sacrifice, he is snatched away and another takes his place. Using Mercury's near-lightspeed wake to add that extra boost of power, the raging, out of control beast known only as the Den Mothersaur pushes past the lightspeed barrier.

 

In flash of brilliance, the swirling vortex implodes on itself and is no more. The roar of a dying monster is the only sound left in the shattered pod. Woozy, but alive, Mercury awakes to find himself orbiting the wrecked escape pod. Then an engine thrums into life and the Archi-Moderator leaves the escape pod in an even smaller escape pod and roars off toward the horizon.

 

"What happened...?" Mercury looks around, but can find only some bits of black spandex, and a note that says, I did it for my boys, signed Den Mothersaur. "Way to steal my thunder. She always has to be the center of attention." Then he realizes he's not dead, and decides that just this once, he'll let her have the thunder so that he can live to smell the roses, make love to beautiful women and eat cheeseburgers.

 

End of Issue 8. Coming soon: Issue 9

 

 

[Elvis]

Joanna you are a genius. You had me laughing at my keyboard at work, and that is no small task!!! Keep it up!!

 

BRAVO!

 

Hi Elvis! Thank you very much -- wanna be a character? There's always room for The King.

 

-- Joanna

 

DEFINITELY!!! Make me a good one. That would be great! Now all we need is an artist... Keep up the great posts.

[Bugaboo-migration]

Joanna,

 

I've been holding off on reading most of this thread so I can read it all at once later.......but I can't keep myself from popping in and taking a peek every once in a while. Great stuff. I'll sit down and read it all from start to finish when it's done.

[Joanna]

Joanna,

 

I've been holding off on reading most of this thread so I can read it all at once later.......but I can't keep myself from popping in and taking a peek every once in a while. Great stuff. I'll sit down and read it all from start to finish when it's done.

 

I wondered why you hadn't reacted to your character eagerly running out to buy Hillary's book. That explains it!

 

I'm ready for the razzing I'm going to get when you read it, Bug!

 

-- Joanna

[greggy]

Joanna,

 

I've been holding off on reading most of this thread so I can read it all at once later.......but I can't keep myself from popping in and taking a peek every once in a while. Great stuff. I'll sit down and read it all from start to finish when it's done.

 

I wondered why you hadn't reacted to your character eagerly running out to buy Hillary's book. That explains it!

 

I'm ready for the razzing I'm going to get when you read it, Bug!

 

-- Joanna

 

Errrr...shouldn't Mylite be a little more prominent? Or was he devasted with the death of KostumeKweene (sp?)?

[Joanna]

 

Errrr...shouldn't Mylite be a little more prominent? Or was he devasted with the death of KostumeKweene (sp?)?

 

There are some characters who've barely had any role. I'm trying to give everyone a shot at superstardom, so there will be chapters that feature some while others languish, then vice versa. Be patient, my slabbed one. You've already saved several heroes.

 

And yes, you were very upset at the death of KostumeKween. Vengeance shall be yours.

 

-- Joanna

[dam60]

Joanna - great stuff!!! How did you know that blue and green are my favorite colors?

 

DAM

[Joanna]

Joanna - great stuff!!! How did you know that blue and green are my favorite colors?

 

DAM

 

I called Miss Cleo.

 

-- Joanna

[Lantern]

I move 1100 miles across the country and lose internet access for several weeks and I miss the best thing to happen on these forums in quite a while..I guess I will be a Pariah and be forced to stand by merely watching the Crisis happen with the ability to do nothing.

 

Thats some good stuff Joanna....perhaps the best laugh I have had in weeks. Keep it up.

 

[dena]

 

I called Miss Cleo.

 

-- Joanna

 

[chrisco37]

*BUMP*

 

Chris

[Joanna]

Oops, forgot to post this yesterday. Here ya go:

 

Issue 9: Population Explosion

 

 

"Has anyone seen Darthdeisel?" asks Scottish.

 

"Not for a couple of days," says Speedjunkie.

 

"I heard he went to visit his brother, Vin, in Hollywood," says Zillatoy.

 

"What about some of the other guys. Heard from any of them?" asks Awe4one.

 

"Actually, other than that massive cloud of black, bubbling nothingness that's been eating the forums, and the population explosion of superheroes, everything has been really dull. Do you think the comic crash has actually happened and no one told us?" Elvis is worried. He has some ASM's he desperately wants to unload.

 

I really need to buy some ASMs, thinks Murph0. "How am I supposed to spend money now that ebay, Heritage and most of the web has been eaten by the black, bubbling nothingness?"

 

Elvis takes one look at Murph and figures that there's no way the guy from Iowa would be interested in the full run of ASM's in 9.9 that he has, so he remains silent.

 

"Why are there so many new heroes? And why do they have such lame names?" asks Werner Von Doom.

 

"We have a lot of questions, but no answers. It's time to take action."

 

"What do you propose we do, Awe4one?"

 

"Well, cd4ever, I think we should find a source of radiation and do our part."

 

"What part would that be? The dying part?"

 

"No, no -- when the world is in danger, radiation causes the human body to mutate into fantastic superheroes. Obviously the world is in danger. The Marketplace just got chomped by the black, bubbling nothingness. We need to hurry."

 

"Oh, man, not the Marketplace!" groans Murph.

 

"I think we should ask those other guys if they want to come," says Scottish.

 

"What other guys?"

 

"Those other guys." Scottish points to a large crowd of men running from the black, bubbling nothingness.

 

"Over here!" shouts Awe4One.

 

Rob React, Blazing Bob, Comic Wiz, Kev the Mev, Dan Dristo, Big Man, Chromium, and Lantern arrive, out of breath.

 

"We... tried Wonder Bread... but it didn't erase the... black... bubbling nothingness," pants Chromium.

 

"We have a better plan. Follow me!" shouts Awe4one, marching his men toward a nuclear reactor.

 

Soon...

 

Standing in front of the reactor doors, Awe again takes charge. "We'll split into two groups. Otherwise it'll be too tight a fit. Some of you really need to work out."

 

Chubby cheeks redden, but no one admits they never leave their computers.

 

"First, we'll send in a test subject. Any volunteers?"

 

Silence.

 

"Okay, Dan Drista, you're new and recently threw a hissy fit. You go."

 

"Nah ah!"

 

"Thanks for volunteering." Awe shoves Dan through the door. "Hookay, let's see. The gauge says 'low, medium, high, superpowers, and fatal.' Seems pretty straightforward." Awe sets the level on superpowers. He waits 3 mintues, then turns off the reactor and opens the door. Dan Drista is a pile of ashes.

 

"Think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?" asks zillatoy.

 

"Just a small error. Let's try it again. Hop on in, Elvis."

 

"Why me?"

 

"You asked to be part of this group. You wanted to be a hero. So here's your chance!"

 

"I changed my mind."

 

"Thank you for volunteering." Awe shoves Elvis through the door, sets the gauge and waits 2 minutes. The timer goes off, and he opens the door.

 

Elvis staggers out, his fingers and toes webbed. "That is not pleasant." He notices his webbed fingers. "Oh nertz. Looks like I've got some kind of aquaguy powers. Those are never useful. Especially in flight-based battles."

 

"Step aside, Damp Dude, we've got other fish to fry."

 

"And the fish jokes begin. Wonderful."

 

"First group, into the radiation chamber. Let's go."

 

"What about you?" asks Murph.

 

"Fine, I'll go in the first group. DD, you do the honors. Set it on Superhero and leave us in for 2 minutes."

 

"Anyone have a watch with a second hand?" asks Damp Dude.

 

"Take mine. It's military," says Awe, then walks courageously through the door. He is quickly followed by Scottish, Speedjunkie, Zillatoy, cd4ever and Chromium.

 

Damp Dude closes the door, sets the gauge, times 2 minutes, then opens the door.

 

Awe4one is the first one out. His clothes have fallen away from his overly muscled body, with the exception of his khaki boxer shorts. He is super strong and immediately declares himself to be Sgt. Rocky. "Hey, yo, so what powers you guys got?"

 

Scottish touches his chest to check for new muscles, but his hands are immediately stuck. "Uh... I can't..." He finally pulls them off and his shirt rips off with them. "I'm really sticky." Testing it out, he climbs the reactor door, walks across the ceiling and comes down the other side. "I'm Spider-Man!" he says.

 

"No, you're not strong, you don't have the knowledge to make webs, and..." Sgt. Rocky punches him, "...you don't have spider sense. I think you're just sticky. We'll call you Magic Tape."

 

Scottish regains consciousness. "Wha...?"

 

"Next!" shouts Sgt. Rocky. A blur runs past him and suddenly his khaki underwear are around his ankles. "Who did that?" he shouts.

 

"Me!" shouts Speedjunkie as he stops for a moment in front of Sgt. Rocky. "I'm the Flash!"

 

The Sarge pulls up his undies. "Stop fooling around, Go Go. Still, superspeed should come in handy. Now who's next? Where's Zillatoy?"

 

"Right here." Out of the chamber walks a Tyrannosaurus Rex wearing wearing black, with a sword on his back.

 

"What the hell are you supposed to be?"

 

"Best I can figure, I'm a ninja dinosaur. I am not a happy guy right now."

 

"Like Godzilla!" says Rob React. "You're a Japanese monster movie. That is sooo lame!"

 

"Pipe down, Rob." Rocky motions the beast out of the reactor. "Be proud, Zilla; you're a powerful hero now."

 

"Oh yeah, pride. That's what I'm feeling. Sheesh."

 

"Anyone else in there?"

 

A second ninja dinosaur walks out.

 

"How did that happen?" asks Comic Wiz.

 

Suddenly, the second monster shimmers and turns into cd4ever. "Just messing with you. I'm a shape-shifter."

 

"Yeah, well quit aping me, or I'll bite your head off," growls Zilla.

 

"Use your powers for good, Ape." Sgt. Rocky looks in the door. Chromium is sitting in the corner staring at clumps of his own hair. He is completely bald. "Come on out, Chromium."

 

"I knew radiation could make your hair fall out, but how come I'm the only one who had that happen?"

 

"Heh, he's Lex Luthor," whispers Blazing Bob.

 

"Am not!"

 

"Are so!"

 

"Just hold on everyone. What are your powers, Chromium?" Sgt. Rocky helps the bald man to his feet.

 

"I don't know. Probably something stupid like the ability to induce hair loss."

 

"Just try some stuff."

 

After several trials, Chromium realizes that he has power over metal. He can melt it, reshape it, and animate it.

 

"Welcome to the world of useful superheroes, Chrome Dome!" says Sgt. Rocky.

 

"Love the powers, hate the name."

 

"Okay, that's everyone. Time for the next group. Guys? Hop on in."

 

The rest of the men file into the chamber and shut the door. Sgt. Rocky pulls the lever, but unused to his new strength, he accidently puts it on Fatal. He realizes his error almost immediately, and adjusts it to Superhero. "Um... maybe they should just get a minute and a half."

 

"You sure that won't have an adverse affect?" asks Zilla. As if becoming a gigantic ninja dinosaur isn't an adverse effect.

 

"I dunno. I guess we'll find out..."

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[lighthouse]

*Bump*