Crisis On Infinite Message Boards 6 6

[greggy]

The question is... what do YOU "palm."

 

Nasty Boy.

 

See ya at SD, greggster!

 

Rick

 

[Joanna]

 

Don't worry about greggy, he's just jealous cuz you didn't offer him the monicker of "fruit pie."

 

By the way, thanx for boosting my masculinity on the boards, Joanna.

Do I at least get to pick which flavor I am? (Shut up, greggy).

 

 

Rick

 

Sure, pick your flavor!

 

I'm realizing that I'm a very lucky gal that there's only one person without a sense of humor on these boards.

 

Originally, it was going to be the Pie Patrol, and everyone was going to be a flavor of pie. But I felt the Hostess Hoard had more to do with comics (well, more than plain old pie, anyway). Unfortunately, none of the various delicious snack cakes have macho names. However, you can take pride in the fact that you got the monicker of Fruit Pie, which embodies the spirit of the aforementioned Pie Patrol.

 

Well... pride might be stretching it...

 

-- Joanna

[JLA_ALL_THE_WAY]

Joanna,

 

Nice attempt at legitimizing my handle.

 

OK, let's see, what flavor can I REALLY be proud of and do the most good in a world of bad?

 

Gooseberry (risque inuendo)...Blueberry (emotion warping)...Raspberry ([!@#%^&^] tongue spittle)...ooooh my mind dizzies in the possibilities!

 

I know...how about Lemon? I mean, since the JLA sucks, Lemon would seem appropo for obvious... ah screw it. You're doing a great job Joanna. Far be it for me to usurp your artistic license! Go ahead and seal my fate.

 

Uh, just not Kiwi, 'kay?

 

Rick

 

PS: You know the ol' saying: "If you can't laugh at yourself....there are plenty of others who will!"

[Bugaboo-migration]

OK, let's see, what flavor can I REALLY be proud of and do the most good in a world of bad?

 

Gooseberry (risque inuendo)...Blueberry (emotion warping)...Raspberry ([!@#%^&^] tongue spittle)...ooooh my mind dizzies in the possibilities!

Tutti Fruiti?

[ArAich]

Ok Joanna....I am going to have to lodge a complaint....this is the second thread that I read this morning and now I have an hour of work to make up...and on top of that... my nose is burning from the coffee that has spewed from it while laughing uncontrollably at the mis-adventures of your compendium of comic characters...

 

 

Keep it up Joanna...and you just may make the ascension from "Forum Den Mother" to "Forum Queen"...

[doyle033]

great stuff joanna. and incidentally, not the first time i have been called Cupcake either!

thanks

[ninanina]

Ho Ho?

 

Gee, I wonder what my powers are. Could it be the power of fainting at the first hint of a bad guy about to do damage? Don't think so 'cause then we would all have the same power. I bet if we knew what our powers were, weda' got 'im.

 

Actually, considering how lame we were Joanna, maybe when we see him again could you give us a fighting chance and let us run away in the opposite direction?

 

Maybe that's our power.

 

The power of flight?

 

It's either that or the fainting thing. As the writer, it's up to you.

 

(Thanks for the mention.)

[Illiterati-migration]

Crisis On Infinite Message Boards Crossover 1 -- A Birthing of One Freshly Born

 

Deep in the darkest reaches of space, on an asteroid with a shape not unlike that of a early model Dodge Dart, there is a twinkle.

 

Well, not so much a twinkle, a gleam, maybe? A flash. Yes, a small flash. A glimmer. Okay, a shimmering, twinkling, flashing gleam of light... and then there was nothing.

 

"Well, I wonder what THAT has to do with the current Crisis on Infinite Message Boards," Joanna said to no one in particular as she stared unblinkingly through her enormous and terribly expensive telescope, "probably nothing at all." She was right.

 

Suddenly, the door to the room in which she kept her enormous and terribly expensive telescope burst open and something like smoke or fog (for our purposes here today we shall coin the term "foke") poured in filling the room and burning Joanna's nostrils.

 

"Ew. That smells like cheap cigars and nacho-flavored Doritos."

 

Ever the level-head, Joanna turned to open a nearby window, and during the interlude while her back was turned and her attention focused on figuring out the window lock, a tall, shadowy figure strode silently into the room and waited for Joanna to turn back around. And there he waited. And waited. And waited.

 

"Wow, I can't believe the bunny population around here lately," Joanna thought. "Look at all those little guys out there... eating... my... vegetable garden! LITTLE BASTARDS! YOU EAT MY CUCUMBERS YOU DIE!!! Oh my. Must control the rage. Must repress. Must bottle anger--"

 

"Ahem." The shadowy stranger cleared his throat in a most painfully obvious manner.

 

"Damn bunnies. Now to turn back around to figure out where all that foke is coming from..."

 

"A-HEM." The mysterious figure, still cloaked in shadows despite being in a fully-lit room grew impatient.

 

"Oh my goodness! Who are you? Are you the one behind all this foke?" Joanna, shocked, stepped back behind an enormous cardboard cutout of the great and mightee John Byrne (though it was later speculated that the "cardboard" was, in fact, Byrne himself).

 

"Salutations, my salacious little sweetpea! My name's Stan 'The Can' Jemas! I've been cruising the universe looking for someone worthy of my attention and my prodigious propensity for creating and retconning creations of incredible caliber and I came across YOU! Now, just come on over here and let Stan The Can do his thing!"

 

Joanna was stunned. How could she, a mere research scientist/ multi-billionaire industrialist, register on the radar of such a cosmically cosmic creature of the cosmos? What could she have to offer the universe beyond her infinite capacity to suppress the fits of rage and mind-scathing anger she felt every ten to fifteen minutes (and whenever she was annoyed)?

 

"Look here, sister, it's like this," Stan The Can Jemas was already ready to move on to greener pastures as he was fully aware of creators who were producing good work... work that would need to be both stopped and then retracted, "you just step over here, I touch you with my magic wand, badaboom-badabing, you're All-New and All-Different!"

 

"Whoa, buddy, I don't know who you are, but there will be NO magic wand touching around here today!" Joanna, of course, was no fool and had been offered the "magic wand touching" that would change her life before.

 

"No, no, I'm serious! Watch!" With that, Joanna was touched by Stan The Can's magic wand (which, in convenient explanation of why he was called "The Can" had a can of creamed corn attached to the end), and her body was immediately electrified.

 

Well, not so much electrified as electrocuted. With this, the short story of Joanna Nolastname (she was, after all, American Indian) ended.

 

 

 

 

 

And the story of "Joanna: Den Mothersaur" began! Rising from the deepest pits of the volcano to which the observatory abutted, Joanna: Den Mothersaur rose, nay, ERUPTED forth with firey fury and righteous indignation spewing scandalous vituperations and day-ruining insults in such a way as they would only barely be noticed! Forty feet tall, monster reptile-shaped, and made of the finest plastic the good manufacturers in China could afford, Joanna: Den Mothersaur sprayed sparks from her mouth and walked very slowly with her slightly overlapping foot pedals, but she had a job to do and there would be nothing to deter her from it. The world would know degredation as Joanna: Den Mothersaur walked the planet for the next two or three days (until she got tired and had to take a break), 'natch.

 

"Hey, Cleveland, I'm sure your mother would be proud."

 

Cleveland crumbled under the devastating attack.

 

"You'll probably wish you hadn't done that in the morning, sinister collusion of various evil parties."

 

And they did.

 

"You, goth-styled Oregonian female comic book store employee, ever seen the inner workings of a giant plastic dinosaur creature? No? You have now."

 

And with that, she ended the existence of a young clerk named Teiko, Goth Queenlet and comic book store employee. Or so she thought...

 

Coming in Crisis on Infinite Message Boards Crossover #2:

 

The return of Teiko! But she is chewed and digested and it's just not very pretty.

 

Joanna: Den Mothersaur gets busy with the Crisis On Infinite Message Boards (but not like that)!

 

Cleveland attempts to rebuild... and fails. Miserably.

 

[Aman619]

good one Khaos....

[Joanna]

Khaos -- Thank you for that litany of defamation! I quite enjoyed it, though I couldn't figure out which person you were defaming. I mean, I post under the name Joanna, but it couldn't be me...

 

WAITASECONDHERE! YOU DARE TO DEFAME ME IN A LITANEOUS STYLE??? I SHALL CRUSH YOU AND YOUR TASTY PARTS!

 

 

...I'll keep a lookout for whoever it is, though. Ta!

 

-- Joanna

[Joanna]

Issue 8, Part 3: More Death, But Not Right Now!

 

The Hostess Hoard slowly wake up, several of them rubbing the large lumps on their heads.

 

"Well that sucked," says Ho Ho.

 

"I can't believe we got beaten so easily. And by a freaking coin collector!" says Fruit Pie.

 

"Don't ever let any of the guys know about this, okay? It's our secret. No one can know," says Snowball.

 

"Smile!" A bright flash blinds them and a man in a suit and fedora puts down his camera. In his hat is a card that says 'Press'. He takes out a pad and pencil. "So tell me all about your ignominious defeat."

 

"Who are you?" asks Twinkie.

 

"Andrew Knight, Daily Satellite. Your pictures are gonna be on the front page!"

 

"I quit," mumbles Ding Dong.

 

"What can we do to convince you to destroy that photo?" asks Cupcake.

 

"Not a thing, boys! This is primo stuff! 6 guys in purple tights getting clobbered by a coinee? We may have to put this out in an Extra addition!"

 

"I hate you."

 

"You suck."

 

"Bite me."

 

"Hey -- slow down. I'm writing longhand here. I'm an old-fashioned newspaper man. And I know a good story when I see one."

 

"Sooo..." says Twinkie, rising. "Are you also a fan of a fine snack cake?"

 

"Indeed I am! Why do you ask?"

 

"Now!" shouts Twinkie and the Hostess Hoard rush Andrew Knight, their only weapon in hand. Fruit Pie unwraps the delicacy, then Ho Ho helps him shove it down Andrew's throat. Before their eyes they see his fedora disappear and purple spandex replace his suit. Groggily, Andrew looks up at the smiling faces.

 

"Wha...?"

 

"Welcome to the Hoard, Susie Q!"

 

Meanwhile...

 

Mercury is alone in the sky. So if I were an evil, malevolent, super-villain, where would I go? He searches the skies but can't see a ship or a deadly vortex. "Oh well, can't find him, too bad." He spins away and to his dismay, catches a glimpse of a far-off spacepod. "Nope, he can't be in there. I'll look somewhere else." Mercury tries to pour on the speed, but the spacepod catches up to him.

 

"Looking for someone?" asks a sepulchral voice.

 

"eep." Mercury is face to face with the Archi-Moderator. "No, no. Just out for a spin." He orbits once, to show his innocence.

 

"I don't believe you."

 

"Well, it certainly has nothing to do with that swirling vortex you've got there."

 

"This old thing? I've had it forever."

 

"Nice. Well, gotta go."

 

"You do realize I'm going to smite you as you run away."

 

"Nope, hadn't realized that. Can I talk you out of it?"

 

"You can turn evil. I might forego the smiting if you're willing to be a mole within the Solar Powers."

 

"And that's my only shot at surviving, huh?"

 

"That's it."

 

"Hmmm... a mole..."

 

Meanwhile.

 

"SUSIE Q????"

 

"You're one of us now, so you can't print the photo."

 

"You couldn't have fed me a Choco-dile?"

 

"Look, none of us are happy about he names, okay?" says Twinkie. "But we're heroes. And heroes have to put up with things like that. So live with it."

 

"What are our powers?" asks Susie Q.

 

The men look at each other, embarrassed. "We, um, don't actually know."

 

"What do you mean you don't know?"

 

"He means we don't know." Fruit Pie tugs at the spandex creeping up his butt. "We never had a chance to find out. This just happened to us."

 

"And you liked it so much you wanted me to join you?"

 

"Nah, we just wanted to kill that story. We're not publicity hounds."

 

"I can see why."

 

"So what are our powers?" asks Ho Ho.

 

"We're idiotic-looking enough that it might be the power to induce instantaneous laughter in all who meet us," says Ding Dong.

 

"No, that coin villain didn't laugh."

 

Snowball tries to strike a gallant post but it does nothing for his self esteem. He tries to fly like Superman, but no good. He presses his finger to his palm like Spider-Man and suddenly creamy filling flies out, forming the shape of a huge Spider-Man. "Well, what do you know!"

 

"How'd you do that?"

 

"I was thinking about Spider-Man, pressed my finger like this and voila!"

 

They all try it, including a suddenly energized Suzie Q. Ho Ho makes a huge, creamy Frankenstein, Cupcake makes a gooey Batmobile, and Fruit Pie makes a giant slot machine. He pulls the handle and creamed coins come out.

 

"We are the coolest!" says Suzie Q.

 

"Let's go find that coin guy," says Twinkie, his cleft chin thrust out, a gleam in his eye, and a gloppy, naked hooker in his arms.

 

To be continued...

 

[THE_BEYONDER]

Beware of the "snowball effect"......

[OldGuy]

"Ix-nay on the uggestions-say, Venus. You're a prime candidate for the hooker thing with your delicate features," Uranus whispers.

 

Outstanding thread Joanna. I love being the "butt" of a good joke. I can't wait (or maybe I can) to find out what my power is..........

 

[Joanna]

"Ix-nay on the uggestions-say, Venus. You're a prime candidate for the hooker thing with your delicate features," Uranus whispers.

 

Outstanding thread Joanna. I love being the "butt" of a good joke. I can't wait (or maybe I can) to find out what my power is..........

 

 

I wish I knew, Old Guy. We might have to wait until there's a fight (if you guys would stop running away!) so that we can find out.

 

-- Joanna

[Zonker]

Say Hey J--

 

What's the Secret Origin of your brand new Custom Title?

 

Congrats!

Z.

[Bugaboo-migration]

Say Hey J--

 

What's the Secret Origin of your brand new Custom Title?

 

Congrats!

Z.

Holy Crud ! ! !

 

I hadn't even noticed that Joanna got a custom title.

 

Congratulations.

[ArAich]

Joanna seems to have impressed the "Architect" enough for him to bestow her a well earned title...along with THIS thread so that the whole forum community can watch with awe as she slings her tale...

[Joanna]

Holy Moley! I hadn't seen it, either! I was busy writing the next section. This is so exciting! I'm one of the boys now, albeit with girly parts.

 

Yeeha!!!

[lighthouse]

Holy Moley! I hadn't seen it, either! I was busy writing the next section. This is so exciting! I'm one of the boys now, albeit with girly parts.

 

Yeeha!!!

 

Congrats on the title, Joanna! You deserve it!

 

Although you may want to keep mentions of your parts to yourself... greggy's in the corner having an asthma attack as we speak...

[Joanna]

Issue 8, Part 4: Still Waiting For That Death

 

The JBH and the Solar Powers are hanging out by the pool at the Ramada Inn near the airport. The N'Superables and Mylite are with them, having noticed them while lunching at Denny's. Talk has turned from the Crisis to sports and emotions are running high -- much, much higher than emotions were running during the whole 'world is ending, blah, blah, blah' conversation earlier.

 

Wearing spandex swimming trunks and capes, 3 men approach the group.

 

"May we join you?" asks The Brick.

 

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asks Supafreak.

 

"Pardon us if we look a little odd, Mr. Gigantic Woolly Mammoth--"

 

"You a hater?" asks Supafreak.

 

"-- but we're superheroes. I'm The Brick."

 

"You look like buttah," says Raspberry Toaster Pastry, giggling.

 

Several of the guys laugh, inching closer to her.

 

"He does have a butter-like quality to him," notes Rerun.

 

"We're superheroes! This is Flame War and this is Where'd-He-Go."

 

"Where'd who go?"

 

Brick looks around and notices that Where'd-He-Go has turned invisible out of embarrassment. "Damn it, WheG! Stop doing that every single time I introduce you! You make me look like an insufficiently_thoughtful_person."

 

"You don't need his help for that, Land-O-Lakes," says Flame War.

 

Immediately, the two men start shouting invectives at each other. Flame War tries to melt The Brick, but the invulnerable dairy product remains intact.

 

The rest of the heroes look on, eating popcorn magically produced by Emoticon.

 

At that moment, the Hostess Hoard arrives.

 

"Cool! Hero vs. Hero -- it's a 'first time we meet' staple!" says Ho Ho.

 

Instantly, the fight is on, as all the heroes rush each other, battling to the death -- or at the very least a slight wounding. Lots and lots of action follows, giving the illustrator an enormous hand cramp. A massive goo battle between Raspberry Toaster Pastry and 3 of the Hostess Hoard covers the Ramada courtyard with enough sticky white stuff to make it look like Christmas in Alaska, and the fighting slows down as movement is severely hampered.

 

In the midst of this melee, Coinee, Dr. Gloom and Lord Rawl arrive.

 

"Maybe we should wait for a better time. They're busy," says Coinee.

 

"They are no match for Lord Rawl!"

 

"Shut up, you ignorant whelp of a donkey's waste product. I can't think with all of your yammering," says Dr. Gloom, pacing so that his oversized cape will billow.

 

"What about that trumpeting mammoth -- he's not ruining your concentration, but one sentence from me blows it completely?

 

"Lord Rawl has a point, Dr. Buffoon," says Coinee.

 

"Silence! You will not make sport of my name again, you offal-filled dungsack of suppurating infectious waste! Go artificially tone yourself!"

 

"Them's fighting words, Dr. Loon!"

 

At that, the 3 villains begin fighting each other in an epic battle, not unlike a scaled-down version of the hero brawl going on a few feet to the left.

 

For the nonce, no one is thinking about the crisis. No one, but one small planet.

 

Far above in a hovering escape pod with its own built-in swirling vortex...

 

"Look at them, the fools," says the Archi-Moderator, watching his bank of monitors, all tuned to the fight. "Not one of them cares about your puny life, little planetoid. But I do. I offer you sanctuary. I offer you the opportunity to become a Mod."

 

"But that goo fight looks kinda fun. It's like a rave or something," says Mercury.

 

"It only looks fun because the picture is digital. It enhances everything."

 

"Look -- Raspberry Toaster Pastry is licking her lips and rubbing Hostess cream filling over her body in slow motion!" The faint sounds of 'bunkunk twaa, cha bunkunk twaa' play melodically in the background.

 

Archi turns off the monitor tuned to RTP. "Don't worry, it's TIVO'd. But now we must concentrate. Have you made a decision? Do you want the awesome powers of the Mod?"

 

"What about Dena-myte and Gemma-Mint? Aren't they enough help?"

 

"They have their uses, but I need a small, quickly rotating, heat-producing planet on my staff, and your resume is quite impressive. It says here you spent 2 years in community college?"

 

"Then transferred to Azz Tech in Mexico. Got my degree in Financial Analysis with a minor in Catering."

 

"Impressive, Spinning One. Under hobbies you have horseback riding, hang-gliding and ridding the world of evil."

 

"I only hang-glided once, and I fell off. But I'd like to do it more often."

 

"That 'ridding of evil' thing -- you married to that?"

 

"It's negotiable."

 

"Excellent..."

 

To be continued.