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OT - My Last Issue

Started by rob_allan,

13 posts in this topic

rob_allan

rob_allan

Posted
Posted

I've been protecting the city for a long time now. I've faced many a great evil including rising gas prices, potholes, loud upstairs neighbors, my wife when she's mad at me, rap 'music', messageboard flamewars, and many more evils to vile to even be discussed.

 

I really feel it's time to pass the torch. I'm growing weak. The gas prices are out of control, rap 'music' is still popular, my neighbors upstairs just won't shut the hell up, and my random costumed adventuring has my wife mad at me more than ever.

 

But I never took on a sidekick. Oh no! I didn't want to endanger any fine young men, and I certainly didn't want to attrack any Michael Jackson-like rumors that pertained to my superheroing. Batman can get away with this, but I certainly cannot.

 

It seems, as my adventures come to a close that there is nobody to take my place. My costume barely fits anymore, so I have to either leave superheroing or be killed in a tragic final battle. And despite the fact the people upstairs are scary, I don't think they have the resolve to do what must be done.

 

You see, I'm the best there is at what I do. Nothing. I can do nothing like nobody's business! But it's so hard to locate someone else who is doing nothing! The right person, naturally, wouldn't really be making a splash. They'd probably be sitting at home in bed reading comicbooks or something similarly frivolous. Compound that with the fact that I haven't yet reached an anniversary issue and I don't know what to do!!!

 

Perhaps a retcon. I can change my name and... no, no. Then friends wouldn't be able to call. I know! I'll change my costume! Er... no. Summer is coming. Anything new would be far too wintery and a superhero should never let a villain see them sweat. I could set up an 800 number, but that's expensive. I could reveal my identity to the public! Yes! But.. no. I'm not Spider-Man, I don't think anyone would care.

 

Can I be slabbed? No... I'm kinda fat. I don't think even the GA/squarebound holders will be sufficient. And I'm also worried I'm too low-grade to justify the cost anymore. I haven't really been near mint since the 90s. And my wife is the only person who still thinks I'm very fine. Or even fine, really.

 

OH NO! There's only one outcome! I'M GETTING CANCELED! WHY GOD WHY!?!?!?!? THAT'S WHAT THEY DO WITH HEROES THAT DON'T SELL, AREN"T POPULAR, AND DON'T EVOLVE.

 

*crying*

 

Goodbye cruel world! Goodbye! This is The Patriots Fan signing off.

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Juswuh

Juswuh

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Posted

The trouble is that they DON'T cancel heroes who are finished. Most Marvel and DC characters today are the creative equivalent of 150-year-olds constantly connected to life support and kept "moving" by electric shocks and Frankenstein surgical procedures.

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