Joanna

Believe me, I wasn't trying to imply that the song stuff was important. Just a way to wind down from the day. Crisis will return soon. I promise. I can't leave everyone hanging, after all. -- Joanna

Sorry, Beyonder, can't write any Crisis this week. Been really busy. And to wind down, instead of writing, I've been playing around with Garage Band (a really cool program that came with my Mac). You can write your own songs on it. They sound really cool. Been having me some fun singing some jazz. If you like jazz I could send you a song, but Crisis will have to wait at least a week. Again, my apologies. -- Joanna

Thank you, David! What a wonderful note! I sure could use someone to do my laundry (I hate that job) and yes, there are plenty of golf courses around LA. When Coinee was a villain, I would sneak into the coin forums and try to learn some buzzwords, which I'm sure is where I got the FS Jeff reference. As for making a living, I'm muddling along, working on several projects, as usual. I'll keep at it, as I'm fairly certain this is what I'm meant to do. I love it too much to give up. Thanks again, David, -- Joanna

It was mean of me to leave a cliffhanger unanswered for so long. Just worked out that way. Glad you can finally breathe easy. -- Joanna

Sorry it took so long. Decided to take a shower first. Okay, here we go: Where we left off: First Emoticon, then Rerun, then Alias see the drop of sweat, and notice that it is directly above the Gem Mint 10.0 Action Comics 1. If it drops, the book is trashed. Seconds tick sluggish and hollow as they stare mesmerized at the inexorable pull of gravity. The drop travels down Mylite's cheek, inching ever closer to his jaw. "...of course, I've never actually met a button man before, but my admiration is genuine," says Mylite, unaware of the drama unfolding on the side of his face. "Love the pinstripes." "Yeah? Sears junior dept. I could show ya the shelf, if youse was innerested or sompin," says Shortie. "I'd love that." Without thinking, Mylite nods his approval. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Issue 12, Part 4B: A Drip in Time Emoticon (BachelorOfComix) can be any emoticon Rerun (Araich) TV in belly Alias (Bonds) can split into 12 Mylite (greggy) slabbed, irresistible Dirk Diamond (MinuteKev) Private Eye Shortie Spumoni (Puny Human) Gangster Issue 12, Part 4B: A Drip in Time Time slows to a crawl as Emoticon, Rerun, and Alias watch as the bead of sweat, now loosened from Mylite's jaw, plummets toward the gem mint copy of Action Comics #1. Mylite, still unaware of the mutinous droplet, and focused only charming Shortie Spumoni, giggles charmingly at the height-impaired gangster. When the sweat is mere centimeters away from splashing upon the pristine comic book, Mylite gestures toward his shorts. The movement whisks the book out of harm's way and the droplet falls impotently on the bottom of his slab. Emoticon, Rerun, and Alias breathe an enormous sigh of relief in unison. "Do you like my shorts?" Mylite asks. "I got a pair just like'em when I did a gooseberry lay after crushing outta da caboose," says Shortie. Mylite looks helplessly at Dirk. "He said that he once stole a similar pair off of a clothesline when he escaped from jail." Alias inches behind Mylite, trying to get the Action 1 out of his hands. "Hey!" says Shortie, noticing Alias's surreptitious movements. He levels his gun. "Don't be a sap!" "I just wanted to get the comic," he says, still reaching for it. Mylite's sweaty brow was busy manufacturing new bomblets and the danger of a ruined gem mint was still very real. "Yeah, well, I told youse ta be still, so be it!" "Yessir." Alias freezes, his eyes glued to the first appearance of Superman. Mylite, finally aware of the danger, whips out a 4 mil mylar and fullback and slips the book inside. "Silly things, these comics. But they amuse me." He smiles winningly and Shortie swoons. "I was on my way to get a stack of wheats. Wanna come?" asks Shortie, batting his eyelashes. "Let me guess: pennies?" "Pancakes," says Dirk. "He's hungry." "Buy me a comic first?" says Mylite with a wink. Shortie chuckles, throws a sawbuck at the newsie and says, "Take 'em all." Alias, Emoticon and Rerun grab all the stacks of comics. Alias mentally commands the return of his aliases. "Dirk," whispers Rerun. "Where did you say you saw that portal?" "In the park." "Is the park on the way to the pancake house?" "Not really." Rerun whispers to Mylite, "Hey, make him detour through the park. The portal's there." "Gotcha." Mylite turns to Shortie and lifts the hem of his short short by half an inch. "May we stroll through the park on the way? It's ever so nice today." Shortie blushes, and agrees. Alias's aliases return, laden with comics. They quickly meld back into the original Alias. The burden of books is too much and he bobbles the stack. Mylite and Dirk both grab some. "You boys sure do like your funny books," says Dirk. "Lay off'em, Diamond. Whatever Mylite wants, Mylite gets," says Shortie. "Mylite wants a freaking portal," he mumbles. "What?" "I said, 'Mylite wants African portabellas.' They're a rare mushroom, with a lovely, woody taste." "Yeah, well, I'll ask Frankie to make your wheats with fungus. It ain't usual, but then so ain't you." Even Shortie is a tad confused by his last statement, but he shakes it off. "C'mon, let's ankle." "Walk," says Dirk with a sigh. "I'm so glad this chapter has subtitles," says Emoticon. "Yeah, I'd never be able to understand it otherwise," says Rerun. As they walk through the park, Dirk steers them toward a large, breast-like portal. Emoticon falls to his knees and immediately begins worshiping it. "Be my girlfriend," he squeaks. "Oh, look!" says Mylite, casually spinning the nipple to the beginning of time. "A carnival ride. Me first." Before Shortie can protest, Mylite jumps through the portal. Alias and Rerun grab Emoticon and dive in after them. As the portal begins to shimmer and fade, Shortie leaps in with a cry of "Snookums!" Dirk, never one to miss an opportunity to dive face first into a breast, leaps in as well. The portal disappears. To be continued...

It only worked because he asked me nicely in a PM. Okay, laundry is done. (I hate doing laundry so very, very much.) Time to write.

Let me go get my laundry and then I'll do a lil writing.

As I recall, the next chapter has Mylite holding a gem mint Action #1 with a bead of sweat just about to drop onto its pristine cover...

I think it's time to start tying this whole thing up and heading toward the climactic conclusion.

A short one tonight. Issue 12, Part 4A: Oh No Bo-No! Starring Twinkie (Hogations) goo Snowball (The Beyonder) goo Ding Dong (Aman) goo Ho Ho (Ninanina) goo Fruit Pie (JLA All the Way) goo Cupcake (Doyle) goo Susie Q (Andrew Knight) goo Mercury (Dam60) flight, heat, speed Venus (CosmicBob) flight, love Earth (Ubiquiti) flight, power over dirt Mars (Mushroom) flight, warrior skills Uranus (Old Guy) flight, noxious scent Saturn (Odin) flight, energy rings Jupiter (BronzeBruce) flight, gas Neptune (Zonker) flight, water Pluto (hkp) flight, ice Bo-No fantasyfootballbono super strength Issue 12, Part 4A: Oh No Bo-No! Snowball is having a very emotional day. After screaming for his life, he finds out that sex with a Neanderthal chick is really hot. And before his after-glow can fade, he meets her enormous ex-boyfriend, Bo-No. "Glraggh!" roars Bo-No, holding Snowball by the ruff of his costume. "Got it!" shouts Ho Ho. "I tweaked the nipple on the time portal into zeroing in on the beginning of time. All we have to do is jump through the portal and we can resume our mission." "What about Snowball?" asks Twinkie. "Aren't snowballs those pink, girly, cocconutty snack cakes? You guys probably don't need him," says Uranus. "It's bad karma to leave a man behind," says Fruit Pie. "Karma, schmarma." "Well, when you put it that way..." "No! We are not ditching Snowball," says Twinkie, glaring at the foot-shuffling heroes gathered around him. "C'mon, guys. We have all these superpowers and developed frontal lobes. We should be able to defeat one lousy Neanderthal." "He's quite husky," says Venus. They all look at the cave man again, assessing the danger. Snowball is thrashing wildly, while Bo-No pokes him in the belly. "Mmruu?" Goo stands back, waiting to see who wins, a large, toothy smile on her hairy face. The rest of the Neanderthals arrive and laugh at Snowball's flailing attempts to free himself. "We need to do something. This portal won't hang around here forever," says Ho Ho, holding tightly to the nipple to keep it tuned correctly. Or, at least, that's what he's going to tell anyone who asks. "Help me, you jerks!" shouts Snowball. Saturn whips an energy ring at Bo-No. The cave man growls at the pain. "Well, I've done my part," says Saturn, leaping into the portal. "Oh, Mommy!" he cries in ecstasy as he disappears. The rest of the Solar Powers and Hostess Horde watch him go, pause, then throw everything they have at Bo-No for about 3 seconds -- then they all leap into the portal. Snowball and Bo-No are covered in goo, mud, water, ice, gas, and are a tad singed on the edges. They look at each other, then at the portal, smile and leap in. Before the rest of the tribe can react, Goo leaps in after them. At that moment, the portal shimmers and disappears. "Nertz," says the leader of the Neanderthals. "Oh well. Everyone gather as much of the creamy white filling as you can. Never mind the dirt. Thurston and I will climb the mountain and bury it in the glacier, to preserve it. We are gonna eat well this winter!" Cheers rise, then everyone harvests armfuls of hostess filling. To be continued...

Thanks ArAich! Oops! My old computer had such a small monitor that anything that didn't stretch my screen was usually fine. But the new computer has a bigger monitor. I've changed the one that I can still edit, but the others are beyond my control at this point. Is the changed one okay? Does it keep from stretching? -- Joanna

Chapter 12, Part 3G: Cunning Linguists Appearing in this issue: Flying 'House (Flying 'House) Flight Lighthouse (Lighthouse) eye beams Spelling Bee (PovertyRow) flight, stinger Raspberry Toaster Pastry (Darthdeisel) flight, goo KostumeKween (MajorKhaos) Powers of Supergirl Week Guy (NewtSamson) Lord of Time Stream Month Guy (Redhook) Lord of Time Stream Chapter 12, Part 3G: Cunning Linguists The ROBOT patrol approaches the JBH and the two Time Masters. In the background, the red blob and the bikers pretend to be bird watchers on a Sunday stroll, despite it being Thursday. "We have a report of several linguistic infactions," says the ROBOT Sergeant. "Anyone want to 'fess up so we can kill you? Saves the trouble of a trial," he adds helpfully. "We are visitors from the future," says House. "We come in peace." The ROBOTs look at House. "Uh huh. You come in peace yet you break our sternest and most sacred laws. Sheyah right!" "You don't talk much like a robot," says Bee. "We're not actual robots, you dork. We're ROBOTs -- RIGHTEOUS OFFICERS in the BEGINNING OF TIME. It's pure coincidence that our name sounds exactly like the name of mechanical men in the future." "It's okay for him to call me a dork?" asks Bee to Red. "What's wrong with dork?" "Well, after all the fuss you guys made over c—" House slaps his hand over Bee's mouth. "What my friend is trying to say is that, er, take us to your leader." The Sgt. looks over the motley group of heroes and shakes his head. "We have no leader. We are a leaderless society. Unless you count Mable Magee, the waitress at the No Finer Diner in downtown Beginning of Time. She's wise and sassy -- qualities we tend to worship." "I have found my people," says Kostume Kween with a grin. "We only like those qualities in elderly women with foot problems." "I am still searching for my people," says KK. "Take us to Mable," says House with a lot less conviction than he had earlier. "Look, a robin!" comes a shout from the red blob. "That's a freaking Coke can," shouts one of the bikers. "Take my picture with it." The ROBOTs glance toward the bird watchers, but don't see anything suspicious. "Gentlemen," says Donut, coming forward, his hands above his head. "I think there's been a misunderstanding." "Put your hands in your pockets!" shouts the Sarge, weapon drawn. "Huh?" "Right now, Krispy Kreme!" "Do as he says!" whispers Newt. "And make lots of sudden moves – nothing slow," adds the Sarge. With a shrug, Donut quickly lowers his hands and shoves them in his donut hole. "Don't actually have pockets. Will the hole do?" "We prefer pockets, but large abdominal orifices are acceptable." "Don't EVER put your hands in the air again, boy!" shouts an overweight ROBOT. "That kind of menacing display will only get you killed!" "Is this Bizarro World?" asks KK. "Me sad sun is out. Me want rain." "Cuff him," says the sarge, pointing to KK. One of the ROBOTs walks up to KK and puts a teeny tiny pair of handcuffs on his lips, effectively shutting him up. "Any chance we can take a pair of those with us when we leave?" asks Raspberry Toaster Pastry. "There are a lot of guys who'd pay big bucks for a pair of those." "Sorry, sweet stuff, they're for official use only," says the Sarge. "But come to my trailer later and we can play Cop and the Cunning Linguist." "Sarge!" shouts the rest of the troop in unison. The Sarge realizes too late that he just said the word 'cunning' – a word that caries severe penalties when uttered. "You misunderstood me! I said cunner! It's a small fish of the wrasse family, found in the north Atlantic Oean!" "Is that the fish whose Latin name is Tautogolabrus adspersus?" asks one of the officers. "Yes." "Oh! Duh." "Phew!" "Man, I hate shooting Sergeants. Thank goodness he was talking about the fish." "These guys are very odd," whispers Bee to KK. KK removes the tiny handcuffs, which the officer forgot to lock. "Huh? I wasn't listening. I was watching the red blob and the bikers chase butterflies." "Cool!" says Bee, turning to watch. A hollow silence settles over the group. The word 'cool' carries the death penalty, and there was no mistaking the clearly formed word that just slipped from between Bee's lips. "Prepare to die, striped one," says the Sarge, raising his weapon. "Eep!" Bee frantically looks for a place to hide, but they are in an open field. "Um... could you tell me what I did wrong first?" "You said the 'c' word." "I did not!" says Bee, outraged. He pauses for a moment then says, "Which 'c' word would that be?" "The one you said." "You mean cool?" A gasp. "Really? Cool? That's a bad word?" A louder gasp. "Give me a break. I mean really, you appear to be a fairly clever people. You have fancy weapons, cunning costumes and cool cars. Why would that word, or any others for that matter, be restricted? Language is beautiful! I did not become Spelling Bee for nothing, you know. I love the intricacies of the patois of the common man. I adore the serendipity with which our language follows and breaks its own rules. You know what that is? That's cool! You heard me! Cool, cool, cool!" "He's right, it's cool," says KK, striking a heroic pose next to Bee. "Oh geez," groans House. "Fine. It's cool." "I hate you guys," says Donut to his teammates. "Cool." "You're cool," says RTP to the Sarge with a wink. Just behind the JBH, a large, swirly, bodacious portal opens up. Quickly, the ROBOTs open fire on the JBH and they vanish in an instant. The portal slowly fades away. To be continued...

Issue 12, Part 3F: Crossing Over Appearing in this issue: Negative Lad (Murpho) can affect self-esteem Larry Von Dork (Werner Von Doom) evil scientist Fission (Rob_React) Atomic powers Pyro (Blazingbob) Pyro powers Ki-Zar (Comicwiz/dadaist) Killer lizard Runt (BigMan) Shrinking power Squatter (Lantern) knee laser beams Issue 12, Part 3F: Crossing Over "I miss Origami," says Runt. "He folded a mean bowling pin," says Ki-Zar. "All right, enough – all of you!" says Squatter. "We have to learn from the lesson of our late compatriot. Origami used his power to fold paper, and was vaporized. From now, no one can use their powers. Got it?" "My power is being small. How do I not use that?" asks Runt. "And mine is being an evil scientist. That's a very loose definition," says Larry Von Dork. "Runt, just make sure you don't shrink any smaller, or do things only small people can do," says Negative Lad. "And Larry, turn over a new leaf. Be a benevolent artist or something. Whatever is opposite of an evil scientist." "I could be a waiter. I did that in college," says Larry. "Fine, be a waiter." "May I take your order? We have a lovely salmon mouse tonight." "Stop talking about me!" shouts a pale orange-pink moose standing just outside their cell. The teddy bear with the bazooka and the eye patch walks in leading a broken-down nag, wearing a straw hat. "In ya go, Haytruck." "I'm CGC-ready!" the horse says. "Great, a spammer. Just what we needed," grumbles Squatter. "CGC-it!" says Haytruck. "Hang on, this gives me an idea," says Fission. "Probably a lousy idea," says Negative Lad. "Cool it, NL. Upbeat thoughts, remember? You are Mr. Positive now!" "Geez, you're right. Gosh, Fission, please tell us your idea. I'll bet it's ever so dreamy." "It's CGC worthy!" says haytruck. "Someone shut him up before I make him my lunch," says Ki-Zar. "Would you like fries with that?" asks Larry. "Ki-Zar – remember, no powers," says Runt. "Since when is eating a power?" "Since Matter-Eater Lad." "D'oh!" Ki-Zar slinks to the corner and tries to tune out everything Haytruck says. Fission gathers his friends around him, trying not to let Haytruck hear. "We need a crossover, right? Well, Spammer here is a horse. Horses are in western comics. All we need to do is cross over into his reality, just like Pyro said." "Thank you for remembering whose brilliance thought up this plan." "That plan is CGC quality!" says Haytruck. "You heard?" "It was CGG not CGC." "I think that means yes," says Runt. "Or no. One of the two." "Thank you, Runt. Remind me to fry you to a crisp when this is over," says Pyro. "Tonight we're serving blackened Runt with a gorgeous cajon sauce," says Larry. "CGC that hot, hot Runt!" "So how do we cross over?" asks Squatter. "Pyro?" says Fission. "Sure, now you turn to me. Let's all jump on the nag." They turn to look at the small, bony horse. His outsized, bulbous eyes are crossed, his ribs showing through on his terribly swayed back, and his mane pokes out of the brim of his straw hat. "Scratch that. Let's put Runt on him," says Pyro. "Wait, isn't that a small thing?" asks Runt. "We're willing to take the risk." Ki-Zar, anxious to torture Haytruck in any way, grabs Runt and sticks him on the horse. "Oooh, investment grade and CGC ready!" "Um... giddyap?" says Runt, puffing out his chest and sitting tall in the non-saddle. "No, no, say something western," says Negative Lad. "Howdy partner. This here jail cell ain't big enough for the..." He counts the people in the cell. "...Seven of us." "Eight, counting you," says Ki-Zar. "Them's fightin' words, varmint." "Don't you call me a varmint, you lilly-livered Lilliputian!" "I don't think this is working," says Squatter. "CGC candidate!" shouts a frightened Haytruck. Runt holds his hands out from his sides, hovering over imaginary holsters. Ki-Zar does the same. A tumbleweed blows across the cell as Squatter plays the harmonica. "It's working!" whispers Fission. "Did you doubt me?" says Pyro. "Of course." "Me, too," Pyro admits. "Anyone for some Redeye or Sasparilla?" asks Larry nervously. Ki-Zar twitches and Runt draws, making guns out of his fingers. Ki-Zar has no fingers. Runt says, "Bang!" and Ki-Zar falls, fatally wounded. "Perhaps it's working a tad too well," says Squatter. "Doesn't you mugs unnerstan?" says the Teddy Bear, entering the jail and sizing it up in a glance. "In Funny Animal land, this is normal, everyday stuff. We don't need no stinkin' crossovers." Larry runs to Ki-Zar's side, offers him an hors d'oeuvres, gets turned down, then administers CPR. He stops short at the breath of life, however. Suddenly, a large mammoric portal opens in the cell. "That ain't normal," says the Teddy Bear. "CGC it!" To be continued...

Done!

Issue 12, Part 3E: Death and Taxis Appearing in this issue: Lord Rawl (Lord Rahl) The corpse of Dr. Gloom (Joe Collector) A disembodied voice A mysterious woman named Madeleine Prof. Nefarious (Bronty) Assoc. Prof. Heinous (AlexH) Morty, the robed figure (Deathlok) Issue 12, Part 3E: Death and Taxis The beautiful owner of the mysterious inn stands over the unconscious bodies of Lord Rawl, Prof. Nefarious, and Assoc. Prof. Heinous. In her hand is a blood-stained knife. On the sofa is a mysterious robed individual with skeletal hands. "Now that I've finished cleaning up the blood in the hallway, shall I wake them?" asks the woman. "Suit yourself," says the robed figure. She disappears into the kitchen and returns with a plant spritzer. She mists Lord Rawl back into consciousness. "Wha...? Who...?" sputters Lord Rawl, wiping the dampness from his face. "I say, did you just spritz me?" "You were unconscious. What kind of hostess would I be if I allowed you to remain comatose when I own a perfectly good spritzer?" "Point well taken." She turns to Assoc. Prof. Heinous, or Heiny, as he is known by his friends, and begins to spray. He slowly awakens. "Is it hot in here? I appear to be perspiring." "You've been misted," says Rawl. "I misted you, too. Where have we been?" "We were all unconscious and our kind hostess has spritzed us back to the land of the living." "For the nonce," says the robed figure. "Excuse me?" Lord Rawl hadn't noticed the robed figure earlier and now wonders where he came from and why the questionable wardrobe choice. "Nothing, nothing. Just pretend I'm not here. Everyone does." "It's difficult to pretend you are not here, sir," says Heiny, getting to his feet. "Your presence fills this room." "You don't say?" asks the figure, now suddenly interested. "Indeed. In fact, I would go so far as to say you have a looming quality." "Looming? You flatter me, sir." "No, I quite agree," says Lord Rawl. "Perhaps it is a combination of your personal charisma and your somewhat sepulchral voice." The figure covers the opening to the hood with his bony hand and giggles. "Your guests are too kind, Madeleine." The beautiful innkeeper now found to be named Madeleine, smiles at her robed guest. "I've always said you shrink a room when you enter it, Morty." Morty puts down his paper, no longer appearing distracted and bored. "What of that third fellow. Are you going to spritz him, as well? Or should we leave him be?" "Oh, let's leave him," says Heiny, quickly. Realizing that he had sounded a tad too enthusiastic, he adds, "It's just that he has been plagued by insomnia. This is probably the first true rest he's had in days." "Do I sense a spark of jealousy?" asks Lord Rawl. "Whatever do you mean?" "I mean that your boon companion tends to dominate you. There is a freeness to your tone now that was missing whilst he was conscious." "Is it so obvious?" "I'm afraid it is." "I agree," says Madeleine. "As do I," says Morty. "And that's without technically having been here while he was awake." "Hadn't you be getting to your business?" asks Madeleine, looking pointedly at the corpse of Dr. Gloom. "But I was enjoying myself," says Morty. When he sees her cross her arms and frown, he says, "Oh, all right. You can be so severe." Morty picks up the corpse of Dr. Gloom and glides from the room. "Did you see that? Not only does he loom, he apparently glides, as well," says Heiny. "A most peculiar man. He could use a meal, that's for certain. He was skin and bones. Well, mostly bones. As a matter of fact, I don't recall seeing any skin at all." Heiny is looking at Prof. Nefarious, feeling guilty. "I suppose we should wake him. I feel badly that he missed Morty." "Oh, don't worry about that. Morty will be back soon," says Madeleine. "Do tell?" "I invited him here for all of you to enjoy. He is quite an accomplished saxophonist. And his origami is to die for." "I adore origami to the strains of a sax!" says Heiny. "I do as well!" says Prof. Nefarious, waking up after a solid misting. "Have you any paper?" "Perhaps tomorrow. Right now, we should probably retire." "But I just woke up," says Nefarious. "Professor, " whispers Heiny, "please recall that she has but one bed and we all must share it." "And that she sleeps in the nude," adds Rawl. Nefarious yawns loudly. "Gosh, I'm exhausted. Let's retire, shall we?" Just then, a large, swirling, whooshing, breast-like portal opens up in the room. "Ooh! That tickles!" laughs the disembodied voice. Morty rushes in, and stops cold. "That is not supposed to be there." Madeleine looks at her guests, at the portal, then back at her guests. Everyone is staring at the portal. Quickly, she removes her blouse, and stands in front of it, her magnificent breasts thrust forward. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you gentlemen to choose. You can stare at that ridiculous swirling thing, or you may fondle these. Keep in mind that I have two to its one. Now which will it be?" To be continued...

Issue 12, Part 3D: Earp. Excuse Me. The Brick (Crisco) invulnerable Flame War (Fantastic Four) Flame power Where'd He Go (Clobberintime) invisibility Kid Twister (Drummy) Stretching Power Issue 12, Part 3D: Earp. Excuse Me. The Marvelous Four, under the guidance of their newest member, Kid Twister, set out to find the Earps. They want to fight the Clantons at the OK Coral, and to do so, they need to locate Wyatt and his brothers. They check the saloon and find Doc Holliday. He's sitting alone, drinking whiskey. "Hey, Doc," says Twister. "You busy?" "Yes." "Busy how?" asks Brick. Doc looks up, sees the strange newcomers and downs the rest of his whiskey. "I'm not nearly drunk enough to be seeing what I'm seeing. Let me catch up. Barkeep, another shot. And leave the bottle." "We're not an alcohol-induced hallucination," says Flame War. "We're a team of superheroes, and we're here to help you and the Earps clean up Tombstone." "When did it get dirty?" "He's talking about the Clantons," says Brick. "I hate the Clantons. They're so damn whiney." Doc throws back another shot and refills his glass. "So, how do we get deputized?" asks Twister. "Damn it, Kid, I'm a doctor, not a lawman. How the heck should I know?" He downs another shot. "As a doctor you should be aware of the evils of alcohol poisoning," says WHG. "I'm an 19th century doctor. We don't know squat." "This isn't getting us anywhere. Let's keep looking for Wyatt Earp," says Flame War. "You're leaving? But I've almost drunk enough for that square yellow guy to make sense." "Powerful whiskey," mutters Brick. "Want some?" Not ones to turn down a perfectly good chance to drink with Doc Holliday, the Marvelous Four belly up to the bar and start slugging shots. Unaccustomed to the high alcohol content of 19th century rotgut whiskey, the three future travelers are soon rip-roaring drunk. Kid Twister isn't feeling much pain, either. "Yer my bestest, bestest, beshish, beeshash, beesh, beesh, beesh friend," says WHG to Brick. "I mean that. My beesh, beesh, bssshhhhhhh!" "Are we in a library?" asks Brick, looking around. "A bar. I think," says Flame War, downing another shot. "Your buddies are almost more annoying than those whiny Clantons," says Doc Holliday to Kid Twister. "Yeah. But they can do weird things. That makes them innneresting." "What weird things?" "The big yellow guy is invel... unvul... emvil... um... Shoot 'im and find out." Doc Holliday draws his gun and shoots Brick. The bullet bounces off Brick, ricochets off a metal frying pan and kills the piano player. "Cut it out, I'm readin' here. Librarian! Another shot!" says Brick. "Oh wait. That was a shot. Heh. My mishtake." "It didn't even make a mark," says Doc. He sees the dead piano player. "Except on him. Definitely left a mark on him." "You gonna save him, Doc?" Doc looks at the dead piano player then back at Kid Twister. "Nah. He was a lousy piano player." "Damn lousy piano players. I hate them so much." "Barkeep! Another bottle f'my friends." Doc picks up the now empty whiskey bottle and breaks it over Brick's head. Brick flicks away a glass shard like it was a mosquito. "I don't need glasses. Ha! Did you get my joke? Did you get it?" WHG is slumped on the bar, snoring. Flame War is looking uncomfortable. "I gotta whiz. Whereza barfroom?" "You gotta whiz or you gotta barf? There's a difference," says Brick. Flame War looks confused. "I dunno. Can I decide later?" "Only if you bring that librarian. I'm in the mood for some Chaucer!" Suddenly, Wyatt Earp and his brothers walk in. They look around until they spot Doc Holliday. "C'mon, Doc. It's time." "Righteo." Doc stands unsteadily, swaying as he waits for the room to stop spinning. "You drunk, Doc?" asks Wyatt. "Lil bit." The Earps shrug. "S'okay. We can still use you." "Should I bring my new friends?" The Earps look over the Marvelous Four. WHG is snoring and drooling on the bar. Flame War is peeing on his barstool. Brick is smashing bottles and glasses on his head, trying to get someone to laugh at his glasses joke. Kid Twister is smiling sardonically. "We'll take Kid Twister. The rest of them don't look so good." "You take me, you take my friends," says Twister, standing. He's also none too steady. "They're freaks. The kind of freaks you want on your side. C'mon, boys. Let's kill some whiney Clanton butt!" "Boo yah!" shouts Flame War, trying to figure out if zippers had been invented yet. "To finity and beyonder!" says Brick, downing a final shot, then breaking the glass on his head. "I don't need... Forget it." He falls in behind Flame War and Kid Twister. Flame War grabs WHG, slapping him awake. "C'mon. Gonna shoot people." "'Kay," says WHG, who turns invisible. "Where'd he go?" asks Wyatt. "Present!" says the spot where WHG just was. "Roll call? Here!" says Brick. "Up, up, and away!" says Flame War. Kid Twister whispers to Doc, "I don't really know half of what they say, but they told me if I joined their group, I'd get to wear spandex." "What's spandex?" "Not sure. But they said it shows off the unit, and with my stretching powers, I'll have every marm in the county after me." "God, I love marms." With that, the newly formed, drunk out of their gourds super group, the Marvelous Four, joins Doc Holliday and Wyatt to confront the Clantons at the OK Coral. None of the soused superheroes notice the giant, swirly, whooshy, breast-like portal that opens in the back of the saloon. To be continued...

No crisis tonight. I wrote one and it sucked. I'll try again tomorrow.

Issue 12, Part 3C: A Not So Golden Age Appearing in this issue: Sgt. Rocky (Awe4one) Super strength Damp Dude (Elvis) Aqua powers Magic Tape (Scottish) stickiness Go Go (Speedjunkies) Superspeed Zilla (Zillatoy) Ninja dinosaur Ape (CD4ever) Shape shifter Chrome Dome (Chromium) power over metal Unterfeldwebel Hoffman (Alex H) And Introducing... Oberleutnant Schomburg (Ultimate Venom) telepath Issue 12, Part 2D: A Not So Golden Age Go Go and Tape carry the unconscious Ape back to the foxhole where Sgt. Rocky, Damp Dude and Chrome Dome are waiting. DD is still pretending to be dead from the grenades Dome set off earlier. Rocky is none the wiser. "Oh, Honey! We're home!" sings Tape, dumping Ape, who still appears to be a German Field Marshal, into the pit. "A prisoner of war!" shouts Sgt. Rocky with glee. "And look at that rank!" "It's Ape," says Go Go. "Man, he's good," says Dome. "So what happened?" Dome peeks out from the foxhole at the German position and frowns. There are no soldiers taped to the trees. Sgt. Rocky still doesn't have an enemy to fight. The entire plan was a bust. "We ran into a bunch of Germans," says Tape. "We fought valiantly, risking our lives to save you, our buddies, from harm. It was a harrowing experience, and one we'll never speak of again due to the horror of it. "Are they still out there?" asks Sgt. Rocky. "If so, we're going to have to do battle." "But Sarge, they use real bullets." "And we'll catch those real bullets with our flesh, blood, and sinew, if need be. We're American soldiers, by gum, and we're not afraid to die for our country." "Yeah, well, I'm not really a soldier. I'm just a guy who's good with sticky things," says Tape. "And I'm just fast," says Go Go. "And I'm merely a ninja dinosaur," says Zilla, waking from his nap in time to hear the Sarge's stirringly patriotic speech. "And that makes me a native of Pangea, not America. Different epoch, different borders." "And I'm just a shape shifter with a headache," says Ape, regaining consciousness. He morphs back to his original form. "And I'm just a good swimmer," says Damp Dude, forgetting to be dead. "Damp Dude? You're alive? You're alive!" says Rocky. "Yeah, the grenade apparently missed me. I think all that pain was just gas." "They're using chemical weapons? The fiends! Those blasted Nazi scum!" "Ve are not scum." The men look up to see the squad of Germans that Ape, Tape, and Go Go had tussled with earlier. Each holds his gun aimed squarely at a member of the Hero Squadron. Unterfeldwebel Hoffman, the soldier who spoke English, is there, but now he is a accompanied by a higher ranking officer, who is doing the talking. "Nor are ve Nazis. Well, Beck is, but no one likes him." One of the Germans scowls and the rest take a step away from him. "Ve are merely soldiers, like you. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Oberleutnant Schomburg. And you are my prisoners." Sgt. Rocky stands, his hands in the air. "Blast you, Tape. Why didn't you tell me you were followed?" "I didn't know. Last I saw they were all unconscious." "Ve did not follow zem. I vas hiding girlishly behind a tree while my squad subdued them. I am a telepath. I merely read zeir minds and learned vhere you vere hiding. I also learned zat Tape is afraid of spiders, Ape enjoys sunsets and long valks on ze beach, und Go Go vas potty-trained at a late age." "Is that true, Go Go?" asks Damp Dude. "I had issues, okay? Besides, Mommy said I was a good boy no matter where I winkled." "Your Mommy vas wrong!" says Unterfeldwebel Hoffman. "The making of waste products by the young must be supervised at all times!" "You are so strict," says Schomberg. "Ve could have used your help vhile you vere behind zat tree, Oberleutnant." "I told you. I am far too valuable to allow myself to be captured. I am ze 3rd Reich's secret veapon!" "What, a telepath? Some secret weapon," scoffs Sgt. Rocky. "All of my men are secret weapons. And you won't find them hiding behind any trees." "You have no trees." "We could plant some. And when they mature, you'll see!" "Tempting. Gardening is a passion of mine." Oberleutnant Schomburg contemplates the idea, but then shakes his head. "No. Zis is not ze proper season for tree planting. Ve vill stick to the original plan of parading you in front of Herr Hitler then killing you." "I need to confer with my men," says Sgt. Rocky. "Fine. But remember zat I vill be able to read your minds, so think clean thoughts. I'm easily offended." Sgt. Rocky pulls his men to the side. "I think we can work this to our advantage. He's going to take us to Hilter! We can pretend to go along with their whole prisoner thing, meet Hitler, kill Hitler, then escape through a time portal!" says Sgt. Rocky. "Yeah, good plan, Sarge, but as prisoners, will we really have an opportunity to kill Hitler?" asks Tape. "Not to mention that we have no idea where a time portal is," says Zilla. "I could morph into Hitler right here and order them to leave us alone," says Ape. "Good! Do that. And then we'll kill Hitler." "Just don't kill me by mistake." Ape morphs into Adolph Hitler. The squadron masks him by bunching up and shuffling together back to the Germans. "Okay, we surrender. But not to you, Overwhossis. We surrender only to the big guy himself," says Rocky. They part, and Ape goosesteps through. "Mein Fuehrer!" says Oberleutnant Schomburg. His raises his arm in salute, as do all his men. "Vhen did you get here?" "Morningish." "Seig Heil!" "Seig-arette. Relax, boys. I'll take these prisoners with me." "Oberleutnant Schomburg," says Hoffman. "Vhy is Herr Hitler speaking in unaccented English?" "I'll take that," says Ape. "Sun Tzu wrote in his book, 'The Art of War', that one must know one's enemy. To know him, is to know his ways. To know him, you must know his language. To know, know, know him. You must luh, luh, luh-uh-ve him. And I do." "Und you do?" "And I do. And I do. And I do." All the Germans clap in adoration for their Fuehrer's amazing grasp of the way of their enemies, and his marvelous singing voice. "That will be all, Oberunder Schomburg. Take a hike." Schomburg is about to leave when Hoffman taps him on his shoulder. "If you read Herr Hitler's mind, you would find out if this is a trick or not." "I vould never read ze mind of ze Fuehrer!" "You aren't at all curious? I mean, this is the main man, ve're talking about here. You could learn all sorts of juicy things." "Vell, maybe just a peek." Oberleutnant Schomburg focuses on Ape, his powerful telepathic mind zeroing in on his target. To be continued

Yup, I should. The next chapter is the war comic.

You mean sweet, sweet National Periodicals.

You're always so much happier when it's a Mylite chapter.

Or it could have nothing to do with your name at all. Theese things happen as well. One never can tell. I know I can't. -- Joanna

Woo Hoo!! I guess I should've put you in this one. I was torn between putting you in or putting in Puny Human, and I chose him because it was easier to make a gangster name out of his handle. Sorry.

I had to make sure it wasn't OT. -- Joanna