Crisis On Infinite Message Boards 6 6

[BlackShotzy-migration]

Now with that being said, please produce this email where you were so savagely threatened. Why didn't you post it? Because there are NO threats in it? Don't let a little thing like the actual benign contents of that email stop you. Honor us with that email that you allege to contain what you said it does.

 

Like many others, you let your hatred rattle you and you embellish. Let's see that email that says all these things you alleged I did! How 'bout it, Mr Paranoia?

[doyle033]

Listen pal. no one threatens to fondle my dogs Nads!!

[Illiterati-migration]

I demand shut food chutes from both of you, Doyle and Hammer! There is a masterpiece birthing as we speak!

[Aman619]

hey Joanna! I originally ignored this thread because I actually thought it WAS about Crisis!!! and figured it was another fanboy dissertation on what happened then and what it meant and I'm a fanboy about other books and storylines so I had little interest---

 

But now I see what fool I have been!!! Your chapters are hilarious!! I dont know how you come up with this stufff? 'course I keep hoping to see my name in there somewhere after my 800 frikkin posts! So feel free to use or abuse me in any way you can think of!

[THE_BEYONDER]

C'mon Joanna,

I just finished reading this thread from beginning to end.......where's the next chapter? I'm literally GLUED to my computer...

[supapimp]

hey joanna, how bout one with carlos seneca, methuselah, hammer, blackshotzy, fantastic_4, comic-keys, & everybody's favourite daniel dupcak all in a scene talking to eachother? oh wait, that's already been done before, one person with all these voices in his head.....HOO HA!

[lighthouse]

C'mon Joanna,

I just finished reading this thread from beginning to end.......where's the next chapter? I'm literally GLUED to my computer...

 

Yeah, Joanna!

 

You're not taking time off from this to work on a PAYING writing gig are you?

 

Shame on you! Don't you know our needs come first?

 

The nerve of some people.... sheesh...

 

*tongue planted firmly in cheek, while I wait on the edge of my seat like all the other fanboys here*

[THE_BEYONDER]

*tongue planted firmly in cheek, while I wait on the edge of my seat like all the other fanboys here*

 

 

[Bugaboo-migration]

*tongue planted firmly in cheek, while I wait on the edge of my seat like all the other fanboys here*

Translation: tongue planted firmly in greggys butt cheeks, while waiting for khaos to get fresh batteries.

[BachelorOfComix]

*tongue planted firmly in cheek, while I wait on the edge of my seat like all the other fanboys here*

Translation: tongue planted firmly in greggys butt cheeks, while waiting for khaos to get fresh batteries.

 

[Joanna]

Don't worry lads, there's more coming. No one other than Mr. Shotzy complained about his appearance, so there's no reason to delay (Mr. Shotzy's character will be written out immediately. It was not my intent to harm his real-life character). As for Aman -- you're on my list already (as are you, Beyonder) so you'll make it in. Just can't tell you when, or what you'll become.

[THE_BEYONDER]

I'll be eagerly awaiting your next installment...

[Joanna]

Just a quickie before all of you go to bed.

 

Issue 7, Part 4: Death! But not THE death.

 

"How goes the mayhem?" asks The Archi-Moderator.

 

"Not so good," mumbles Coinee.

 

"I was on break," says Dr. Gloom.

 

"Evil help is so hard to find. Okay, look, monkeyballs, I asked for death, destruction, dismemberment, disenchantment, despicableness, disease, defecation, de noise, de funk -- and what do you give me? Nothing!"

 

Coinee, writing down the list, "How do you spell 'despicibleness'?"

 

"With an 'a'..." points out Dr. Gloom.

 

"Silence! This is what I want from you!" Archi opens the door to his hovering IT unit and looks for a victim. Trimmer walks out to get the morning paper. Archi hits him with a lightning bolt, killing him instantly.

 

"Oh, man," says Coinee. "I was really looking forward to all the mayhem he was going to cause."

 

"Can you restore him?" asks Dr. Gloom.

 

"Never. Trimmer despises any talk of restoration when he is near. He's out of here for good." Down below, Trimmer's spirit form tries to enter a nearby anonymous lurker. "Oh no you don't." Archi zaps the spirit and it fizzles out. "And that's how it's done -- you got it, gecko brains?"

 

"Got it," both men agree.

 

"Go forth and do nasty, evil, horrifying things. Or no dinner."

 

Coinee and Gloom transport back to the forums, ready to cause mayhem, and eat a light snack.

 

Meanwhile (that not being the death)...

 

KostumeKween flies skyward, his eyes on the giant, hovering IT unit that just seems a tad out of place. "Must... reach... I... T.... Unit.... hovering... a... tad... out... of... place..."

 

"Why are you talking like that?" asks Bee, buzzing backward in a lounging position so that he can remain face to face with KK.

 

"Wha...? Who are you?"

 

"I'm Spelling Bee. And this is Lighthouse, Flying Donut and Raspberry Toaster Pastry, the newest member of Jutsa Buncha Heroes."

 

"The JBH?? I thought you guys were only legends!" says KK, awed. "Well, all but the poptart -- you I've never heard of."

 

"That's Toaster Pastry, buttmunch."

 

"So what are you legends and the hot chick doing up here?"

 

"We're going to destroy that hovering IT unit. It's evil. That's what we do. Destroy evil." Flying Donut lifts his granite chin, allowing the sun to paint heroic shadows across his classic features.

 

Before KK can react, they are interrupted by the sound of 9 men shouting to each other. Below them, making slow progress to their position, they see 9 costumed men flying around each other in wobbly patterns.

 

"Whoa! Watch your freaking orbit, Saturn!"

 

"Sorry!"

 

"Spinning... so... fast..."

 

"Someone slow down Mercury, he's making me dizzy."

 

"Yo, Pluto -- you wanna catch up or what?"

 

Lighthouse shines his beacon on them to get a better look.

 

"The sun! I see it!" shouts Earth, hurrying the others toward the beacon.

 

"I'm not the sun! I'm Lighthouse!"

 

"We're Solar Powers! Are you guys the JBH?"

 

"Some of us," says RTP with a disdainful glance at KK.

 

"Well, La-di-da," says KK with a smirk. "Give me the stupid decoder thing." Although RTP only waves his card toward him, KK says, "'I want to be a hero.' There, I'm a member now."

 

"How'd you do that so fast?" asks RTP.

 

"Super-intelligence. I have all the powers of the silver age Supergirl."

 

"And all the fashion sense."

 

"If Malverne were here, he'd show you what for!"

 

"Zip it, Linda Lee," says Donut, then turns to greet the Solar Powers. "Nice to have you join us. We've decided that stealth and planning would only fail, so we're going to attack it head-on while screaming slogans of destruction."

 

"Perfect!"

 

"Great plan!"

 

"We're in!"

 

"It's too dangerous."

 

"Who said that?" asks Lighthouse.

 

"It was Super Queen!" says Bee. "I heard him! He said, 'It's too dangerous', just like that."

 

"KostumeKween! But I'll accept SA Supergirl in a pinch. And it is too dangerous."

 

"You have a better plan?"

 

"Yes. I'll attack it head-on, alone, screaming slogans of destruction. Then you guys mop up."

 

"Better plan!"

 

"We're not doing to die!"

 

"We'll be behind you! Waaaay behind you!"

 

Flying Donut twists a bit to make sure his lighting is still heroic, then says, "Fine. It's far more sensible for you to go alone than to overwhelm it with numbers. Good luck, old chum."

 

"Uh... yeah, that was a little too easy. I was expecting some arguments."

 

"No arguments here! G'won! Go attack it like you said."

 

"Shoo!"

 

"Geez." KostumeKween modestly straightens his skirt, licks his blonde bangs, gets a determined expression on his face then shoots at superspeed toward the giant IT unit. "Die! Die! Die you naughty man!"

 

"We should've worked on the slogans," says Bee, watching KK fly to his doom.

 

"Yeah." Lighthouse turns to the assembled heroes. "Anyone for lunch?"

 

"That donut is looking really good. So, yeah!"

 

"Okay, back here in, oh, say an hour?"

 

"Hour and a half. I like to take a little nap afterwards."

 

"Hour and a half it is."

 

The heroes pull out cell phones to make reservations.

 

To be continued...

 

[Joanna]

Issue 7, Part 5: This is it! The conclusion to the quintuple-sized shocker called Issue 7!

 

KostumeKween soars ever closer to the giant, floating IT unit. "May your fingernails split uncomfortably and may you have a burning sensation whenever you pee and may you lose your sense of rhythm and may you--"

 

KK's slogans are heating up into his best material, and he is quite proud of himself. Surely this alone will weaken the Archi-Moderator enough so that he could be easily deafeated?

 

"--your nose run yet you have no tissues, and may your ankles swell uncomfortably in the humidity, and may you--"

 

With a final burst of speed, KK breaks through the giant steel door of the IT Unit. Inside is a maze of wiring and motherboards. Cautiously, he follows a large cable, hoping it will lead him to the beast who inhabits this infernal, mechanical spacecraft. "Yoo hoo...? Anybody home? Avon calling! I've got Watchtowers! I'm working my way through college by selling magazine subscriptions! Dominos!"

 

He doesn't see the giant cable begin to snake around his left foot. But someone does.

 

"Watch out for that giant cable that's beginning to snake around your left foot!"

 

KK turns to see 4 guys in yellow uniforms and a fifth guy being dragged behind them, wearing a giant plastic slab.

 

"Who are you guys?"

 

"We're the N'Superables! And Mylite. He needed a ride."

 

"You said we were going to 7-11 for Slurpees!" Mylite shouts, his voice muffled by the giant slab.

 

"We will, we will. But first, we have to help this cute, though surprisingly beefy chick in the Supergirl costume."

 

"This way, N'Superables," says KK with a gesture. He breaks the cable's grip and takes another step, only to be captured by another animated wire. Before he can fight free, all of the N'Superables and Mylite are entwined.

 

"Must... get... free..." KK sputters, fighting with his superstrength.

 

"Must... help... my... teammates..." gasps Rerun.

 

"Must... pee..." says Mylite, then sighs heavily, a smile on his face.

 

Alias quickly splits into a bunch of people and works on freeing the others before the cables and wires can get him. Supafreak trumpets then stomps on things. Rerun watches the Bob Newhart Show. Emoticon becomes a smiley with a chainsaw and starts freeing Mylite.

 

"P-U ,man, what'd you just do in there?"

 

"None of your beeswax."

 

KK leads the now freed N'Superables and Mylite deeper into the craft. Suddenly they are all attacked by invisible somethings.

 

"Invisible somethings are attacking us! And I can't see them!" shouts Rerun.

 

"They're Mods!" screetches KK. "The unseen helpers of the Archi-Moderator. Supafreak -- blow mammoth snot everywhere -- maybe that will allow us to see them.

 

"Brilliant idea, '," says Mylite. Then his slab is covered by a viscous goo.

 

"There's one!" shouts emoticon. Quickly he stretches himself into a line of smileys so long it destroys the size of the thread.

 

"There's another," says alias, making so many illegal shills of himself that the gooey mod can't delete them fast enough.

 

Mylite tips his slab over onto a third mod and Rerun trips a fourth under the giant feet of Supafreak, who squishes him good.

 

"We did it!"

 

"We've done nothing yet. Those were mere puppets. We need to defeat the Archi-Moderator himself."

 

"Big words, KostumeKutie." Archi catches himself. "D'oh! That was supposed to come out an insult, but my natural male desire to impress chicks prevented it."

 

"I'm irresistible!" shouts Mylite.

 

"Indeed you are," says a winking emoticon.

 

Mylite frowns.

 

"Enough of this highbrow patter. You will all be destroyed!" shouts Archi-Moderator. With a toss of his cape and a shaking of his evil head, he shoots mighty beams out of his hands, destroying Rerun's teletummy. Another beam shoots out and Mylite's CGC case is cracked. Supafreak trumpets and instantly becomes extinct. Emoticon and Alias run away, er, to get reinforcements. Yes, that's why they were running.

 

"I guess it's just you and me now, sweet thing," says Archi.

 

"I don't do sweets!" he shouts and pile-drives his body into the Archi-Moderator whose pocket protector shatters on impact.

 

"Argh! My energy... dissipating!" Archi tries to get away, but KK attacks again destroying Archi's cell phone and beeper. "No! Stop the madness!" Undaunted, he readies for one more attack, but is distracted by a groan from Mylite.

 

"Cracked case... must... resubmit..."

 

"No, Mylite! You can't resubmit! You've been dinged!"

 

"Your attention strayed, little lady. That's a fatal mistake." With that, the Archi-Moderator shoots horrific bolts of energy from both hands, sending KK flying across the craft, fatally injured. Laughing maniacally, he takes off in the emergency pod.

 

Mylite makes his way to Rerun, bangs him on the head and the TV sputters back into life. "Quick, tune in to the Discovery Channel."

 

Rerun complies and the show 'Raising the Mammoth' roars from his belly. Supafreak slowly stands, resurrected by the miracle of CGI.

 

"What's wrong with KostumeKween?" asks Rerun.

 

"No..." whispers Mylite, scooching his cracked CGC case over to the fallen hero. "No..." he says again, sensing the very life draining from this noble man. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screams as KK breathes his last.

 

Quietly sobbing, Mylite cradles KostumeKween against his slab, his salty tears mixing with the blood of the only forumite he ever truly loved.

 

Later, on the nightly news...

 

"...top story: KostumeKween died a horrible, painful, terrifying, heroic death when she was ripped apart by energy beams during a battle with the Archi-Moderator. Funeral arrangements are being made in the Grave-ing and Restinpeacing Forum."

 

"He was a true hero."

 

"And not just to cross-dressers and Star Trek fans. To all of us. He was, well, as his fellow superhero Mylite put it, 'He was a ', but he was the best ' we ever had.'"

 

"Quite a tribute."

 

"Indeed."

 

"KostumeKween, you will be missed. You will be mourned. You will be retconned when the crisis is over, but in a lamer, less powerful way."

 

"In other news, an unidentified man was killed by lightning today..."

 

To be continued in Issue 8.

 

[Illiterati-migration]

"Cracked case... must... resubmit..."

 

"No, Mylite! You can't resubmit! You've been dinged!"

 

ROFLMAO!!!!

[THE_BEYONDER]

"Cracked case... must... resubmit..."

 

"No, Mylite! You can't resubmit! You've been dinged!"

 

ROFLMAO!!!!

 

 

I was going to post your EXACT response. I burst into laughter when I read that part

[Joanna]

Issue 8, Part 1: Leading up to more death!

 

Unaware of what just happened far above him, Coinee searches for heroes to fight, and people to turn into villains. His pocket-change-plated body shimmers in the sun, and people stare as he walks down the street in just a pair of Batman underoos and a large cape made of dollar bills. He catches snippets of conversations as he passes.

 

"...exotic dancer? He's..."

 

"...wore those as a kid..."

 

"...I think I see a wheat penny on his as..."

 

"...having for dinner? I don't want..."

 

"...am born to be a villain..."

 

"...on ebay and it was a major shill..."

 

Coinee stops, and goes back one person.

 

"Did I overhear you saying you were born to be a villain?"

 

"I am Lord Rahl! Bow down before me, change purse."

 

"Ya got kind of an ego thing going there or are you trying to impress me?"

 

"You are no match for Lord Rahl, puny silverbutt."

 

"Uh huh. I'm seeing potential. Are your politics to the right or left?"

 

"I am Lord Rahl, ruler of the 17th dimension, master of the xathosphere! I have come to conquer and enslave your race. I voted Green Party."

 

"Feh. Green party. You stole the election from us! Gore could've won if you hadn't leeched a bunch of his votes! Now we're going to have to wait until 2008 for a Clinton to be back in office!" What am I saying? That's not what I was thinking at all! I've been a my whole life and now I'm suddenly -- D'oh! I meant . D'oh! Getting dizzy, can't think, leaning to the left, must compensate. Think tax cuts -- good, good -- think war -- even better, I'm almost cured -- think environmentalism-- gak! Nothing works!

 

"Your confusion amuses me, shiny man. I am Lord Rahl, and I can both read and control your mind."

 

"Can you control anyone's mind?" Coinee's head pounds, but he fights it, hoping to find some sort of edge -- preferably an edge with little ridges, like the coins he loves so dearly. Coinee's mind wanders, drowning in etched eagles and spiky hats and old dead presidents.

 

"Yoo hoo! Over here," says Lord Rahl.

 

"Wha...?"

 

"I said 'yes', I can control anyone's mind."

 

"Wanna help me destroy everything in the universe?"

 

"I've got my son's violin recital around noonish, but I'm free at 2."

 

"Excellent! In the meantime, try to think up a cool villain name."

 

"I am Lord Rahl, ruler of the 17th di--."

 

"Yeah, yeah, heard it. Something cooler. Like maybe -- ooh, ooh, I know! -- Lord Rawl!"

 

"It sounds the same."

 

"But it's got 'Raw' in it. Like you're a raw, rawr, lion-hearted, WWF kinda nasty guy. It's great, trust me."

 

"Only if you buy Hillary's book."

 

"With pleasure!" Aargh! I can't wait to kill this guy when his usefulness is over.

 

"Uh... you do remember that I read minds, don't you?" asks Lord Rawl.

 

"Kinda forgot, actually."

 

To be continued...

 

 

 

[THE_BEYONDER]

Hey Joanna,

How about 1 more installment tonight? Consider it my BEDTIME STORY

[Joanna]

Issue 8, Part 2:

 

Wherever Dr. Gloom walks, things crash. It is his power. He passes a scaffolding with three painters on it. The painters are lucky because they hit a tarp on the way down after their scaffold suddenly buckles. When Dr. Gloom passes Starbucks, the din of breaking coffee mugs is deafening. Even the clop, clop of falling paper cups holding scalding hot liquid raises the decibels, as the screams of a dozen splattered latte drinkers fills the air.

 

Ordinarily, this would make Dr. Gloom feel good. But today he is-- well, gloomy. He hasn't run into one freaking hero the entire morning. He considers leaving his new job with the Archi-Moderator in a huff. He could always return later -- everyone needs more gloom in their lives.

 

They don't understand -- no one ever does anything right, and I am the only person who knows it. Only I know what each person should do. They need to listen to me.

 

"People of The Collector's Society!" he shouts, stepping onto a nearby park bench. "You are all doomed! You must stop walking in an orderly fashion and panic! You, in the grey shirt -- run about aimlessly, screaming. And you in the pink dress -- faint so that the mob can trample you. Those of you in the back may mumble and mill about, staring in one direction for now. I'll have more instructions later. Now hop to it, people!"

 

A murmur goes through the crowd. They are on the precipice, he can feel it. Just another moment and the panic will begin. Suddenly, 6 men on hovering scooters swoop down. They are dressed in purple spandex jumpsuits. The leader begins to speak.

 

"Do not panic! We are the Hostess Hoard and we are here to help you!"

 

The crowd is mollified and go back to walking in an orderly fashion, ignoring Dr. Gloom and the purple guys.

 

"The Hostess Hoard? What nonsense is this?" shouts Dr. Gloom.

 

"Hi, nice to meet you. Gloom is it?"

 

"Dr. Gloom."

 

"Craziest thing just happened," says the man in purple. "My buddies and I were shooting a little B-Ball on our lunch break. We got the munchies and hit the 7-11. We heard about the death of KostumeKween, and well, it riled us up. KK is a personal fave of ours."

 

"His 2nd season Buffy was uncanny" says a second purple man.

 

The Hostess Hoard nod in shared grief, then the first man continues. "We've read a lot of comics, so we know that Hostess products can make superheroes appear from nowhere. So there we are at 7-11 and there's the Hostess display. What else were we supposed to do? Just ignore the death of the noble KostumeKween? No way!"

 

"We each bought a different tasty snack treat."

 

"I bought several."

 

"We had no way of knowing what would happen."

 

"We figured some heroes would show up and that's that." He sneezes, and white creamy filling comes out his nose. "Sorry. Gotta cold."

 

"The bottom line," says the first man, "is that the heroes turned out to be us! Isn't that wacky? Now we've all got superpowers and we're here to fight evil."

 

"I'm evil," says Dr. Gloom helpfully.

 

"Great!"

 

"Perfect!"

 

"What a day!"

 

"Before we defeat you, we'd like to introduce ourselves. We've already decided not to use secret identities, so it's only fair that you know who you're fighting. I'm hogations, but you can call me Twinkie! "

 

"I'm The Beyonder, but now I'm known as Snowball."

 

"Aman619, now Ding Dong."

 

"Ninanina -- Ho-Ho."

 

"Although some know me as JLA All the way, I'm now much better known as Fruit Pie!"

 

"I'm Doyle033. Um... Cupcake. This is so dumb. Why did it have to be Hostess products? Why not types of steak, or power tools, or something?"

 

"You don't get superpowers from eating power tools, Cupcake. Now get in line, we need to strike a pose."

 

The 6 men strike a heroic pose just long enough for Dr. Gloom to crash a street sign across their heads. All 6 fall to the ground, out for the count.

 

"Nice meeting you," says Dr. Gloom, feeling just a little better about the day.

 

Meanwhile...

 

The JBH and the Solar Powers have another conference in the sky.

 

"With the death of KostumeKween, I fear we're in grave trouble. He was obviously the bravest, strongest, most heroic cross-dresser on the planet. We must come up with a new plan. The 'dress up KK as a hooker to lure Archi-Monitor out of his energy pod' won't work anymore."

 

Everyone looks at Raspberry Toaster Pastry. "Nah ah! I have a wife and child! Make one of the single guys do it."

 

"Any way you'd be willing to videotape you and your wife making out?" asks Venus.

 

"Ix-nay on the uggestions-say, Venus. You're a prime candidate for the hooker thing with your delicate features," Uranus whispers.

 

"Curse my misfortunate of being born a pretty man," mumbles Venus.

 

"New plan, new plan," says Bee. "I'm guessing this is going to take some sort of vortex of death."

 

"What makes you say so, Bee?" asks House.

 

"That Penalty Box is like a black hole. Things go in, don't come out. You showed that with your eye-beams. I'm thinking it has a massive center of gravity that is continually spinning at near light speed. If we can create a counterforce that matches the exact speed, only in the opposite direction, then we might -- just might -- be able to reverse its effects."

 

"Who's got superspeed?" asks Flying Donut.

 

The Solar Powers shrug, not meeting his eyes.

 

"I can spray goo..." says RTP. "But not at superspeed."

 

"Then why mention it? Did we ask for goo? No. We asked for superspeed."

 

"Mercury here can orbit pretty fast," says Pluto.

 

"Shut up!"

 

"Well you can."

 

"No, I can't. I'm real slow."

 

"Yes... with Mercury's superspeed orbiting abilities, and his power of generating immense heat -- this just might work!" Bee whips out a calculator and crunches some numbers. "You're going to have to orbit like you've never done it before."

 

"I'm brand new to orbiting. I suck at it. I'm a lousy choice."

 

"Excellent. Thanks for volunteering," says Lighthouse. "Okay, so we're decided. Mercury attacks the Archi-Moderator alone, orbits at superspeed in the opposite direction of whatever is powering the Penalty Box, and we'll mop up."

 

"Anyone up for a game of squash?" asks Jupiter.

 

"I’m in!"

 

"Me, too!"

 

The JBH and Solar Powers hurry back toward the ground, while Mercury slowly spins, alone in the sky. "Why couldn't I have been Uranus?"

 

To be continued...

 

[Joanna]

Hey Joanna,

How about 1 more installment tonight? Consider it my BEDTIME STORY

 

Don't know if you're still awake, but there ya go.