Illiterati-migration

Man, you don't bob and weave. You're the human equivalent of a bop bag... complete with sand in the bottom.

Crisis On Infinite Message Boards Crossover 1 -- A Birthing of One Freshly Born Deep in the darkest reaches of space, on an asteroid with a shape not unlike that of a early model Dodge Dart, there is a twinkle. Well, not so much a twinkle, a gleam, maybe? A flash. Yes, a small flash. A glimmer. Okay, a shimmering, twinkling, flashing gleam of light... and then there was nothing. "Well, I wonder what THAT has to do with the current Crisis on Infinite Message Boards," Joanna said to no one in particular as she stared unblinkingly through her enormous and terribly expensive telescope, "probably nothing at all." She was right. Suddenly, the door to the room in which she kept her enormous and terribly expensive telescope burst open and something like smoke or fog (for our purposes here today we shall coin the term "foke") poured in filling the room and burning Joanna's nostrils. "Ew. That smells like cheap cigars and nacho-flavored Doritos." Ever the level-head, Joanna turned to open a nearby window, and during the interlude while her back was turned and her attention focused on figuring out the window lock, a tall, shadowy figure strode silently into the room and waited for Joanna to turn back around. And there he waited. And waited. And waited. "Wow, I can't believe the bunny population around here lately," Joanna thought. "Look at all those little guys out there... eating... my... vegetable garden! LITTLE BASTARDS! YOU EAT MY CUCUMBERS YOU DIE!!! Oh my. Must control the rage. Must repress. Must bottle anger--" "Ahem." The shadowy stranger cleared his throat in a most painfully obvious manner. "Damn bunnies. Now to turn back around to figure out where all that foke is coming from..." "A-HEM." The mysterious figure, still cloaked in shadows despite being in a fully-lit room grew impatient. "Oh my goodness! Who are you? Are you the one behind all this foke?" Joanna, shocked, stepped back behind an enormous cardboard cutout of the great and mightee John Byrne (though it was later speculated that the "cardboard" was, in fact, Byrne himself). "Salutations, my salacious little sweetpea! My name's Stan 'The Can' Jemas! I've been cruising the universe looking for someone worthy of my attention and my prodigious propensity for creating and retconning creations of incredible caliber and I came across YOU! Now, just come on over here and let Stan The Can do his thing!" Joanna was stunned. How could she, a mere research scientist/ multi-billionaire industrialist, register on the radar of such a cosmically cosmic creature of the cosmos? What could she have to offer the universe beyond her infinite capacity to suppress the fits of rage and mind-scathing anger she felt every ten to fifteen minutes (and whenever she was annoyed)? "Look here, sister, it's like this," Stan The Can Jemas was already ready to move on to greener pastures as he was fully aware of creators who were producing good work... work that would need to be both stopped and then retracted, "you just step over here, I touch you with my magic wand, badaboom-badabing, you're All-New and All-Different!" "Whoa, buddy, I don't know who you are, but there will be NO magic wand touching around here today!" Joanna, of course, was no fool and had been offered the "magic wand touching" that would change her life before. "No, no, I'm serious! Watch!" With that, Joanna was touched by Stan The Can's magic wand (which, in convenient explanation of why he was called "The Can" had a can of creamed corn attached to the end), and her body was immediately electrified. Well, not so much electrified as electrocuted. With this, the short story of Joanna Nolastname (she was, after all, American Indian) ended. And the story of "Joanna: Den Mothersaur" began! Rising from the deepest pits of the volcano to which the observatory abutted, Joanna: Den Mothersaur rose, nay, ERUPTED forth with firey fury and righteous indignation spewing scandalous vituperations and day-ruining insults in such a way as they would only barely be noticed! Forty feet tall, monster reptile-shaped, and made of the finest plastic the good manufacturers in China could afford, Joanna: Den Mothersaur sprayed sparks from her mouth and walked very slowly with her slightly overlapping foot pedals, but she had a job to do and there would be nothing to deter her from it. The world would know degredation as Joanna: Den Mothersaur walked the planet for the next two or three days (until she got tired and had to take a break), 'natch. "Hey, Cleveland, I'm sure your mother would be proud." Cleveland crumbled under the devastating attack. "You'll probably wish you hadn't done that in the morning, sinister collusion of various evil parties." And they did. "You, goth-styled Oregonian female comic book store employee, ever seen the inner workings of a giant plastic dinosaur creature? No? You have now." And with that, she ended the existence of a young clerk named Teiko, Goth Queenlet and comic book store employee. Or so she thought... Coming in Crisis on Infinite Message Boards Crossover #2: The return of Teiko! But she is chewed and digested and it's just not very pretty. Joanna: Den Mothersaur gets busy with the Crisis On Infinite Message Boards (but not like that)! Cleveland attempts to rebuild... and fails. Miserably.

ROFLMAO!!!!

I demand shut food chutes from both of you, Doyle and Hammer! There is a masterpiece birthing as we speak!

ROFLMAO!!! Dagnabbit, Joanna! How can anyone hope to follow that?? Oh well. That's the end of our 12-post Maxi-series. Personally, I can't wait for the Infinity Message Board, Secret Message Boards I AND II, Zero Message Boards, and Fall of the Message Board!

One down... We must also determine what we will be like in the new Post-Crisis OIMB universe and who will bear witness to the birth of the NEW Message Board. Greggy, you will finally be free to wear ascots and flounce around just fruity-as-you-please. You will be free to wear short shorts (though anyone with thighs like yours should seriously reconsider anything that does not have a hem reaching their achille's tendon). And, maybe, just maybe, if you're a good boy, we'll allow you to be recreated as a non-virgin!

Who will be the first to die?!?! Who will be the first to be retconned into oblivion?? Who will dress up like Supergirl and be cradled gently in the arms of a large man in tights??

-newcomers should start with 'The Man in the High Castle' and then move on to the heavier stuff Bah! You know the story makes no sense! It's like that one movie... you know, the one that doesn't make any sense... "Ernest Scared Stupid." Damn, what was that movie that didn't make any sense? Let's start a list!

Another kick I got on was collecting Philip K. paperbacks. Does this mean you can explain "Flow My Tears..." to me??

Did I tell you that Dave Johnson was at the local shop out here a couple weeks back? (Hell, was that just last week? He was here signing for "Red Son.") VERY nice guy. TOTALLY not what I expected him to be like. harharhar Very quiet, relatively subdued... in the store. I get the impression he might be a *little* different away from "work."

Ooo and I enjoy Art Adams as well.

I am truly saddened that none of you have an appreciation for the Great and Largely Overlooked Keith Giffen. Tsk.

I'm actually really curious about these restored books you have listed in your profile? Have you provided details???

(Yeah - I like Khaos - anyone got a problem with that????) Oh Pov, you have immolated yourself... for me! AND you did it without getting off on any food-related topics! Too kind...

I would purchase a complete high grade run of the Simpson's comics That's actually one of the few titles that I have any interest in at all anymore. Go figure.

Meet me somewhere in the middle of the country (let's say Kansas, so Khaos can watch), and I'll pummel you about the head and belly. Please bring a bag of money. Thank you. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW! You can stay with us here at the homestead! Ah'll have Lurlene and Jezzebelle hose off the kitchen table an' ah'll tell the cattle they'll be sleepin' in the yard f'r a spell! (Don't you worry, neither... they ain't soiled their bedsheets f'r a good long while!) Company's a-comin'!!!

Dink! Whoa now, settle down there, Frenchie! Nobody wants any trouble... CAN WE GET A ENGLISH to CANADIAN TRANSLATOR IN HERE?!?!

Moi = Me = French for me! French indeed, you fruity, fruity Canuck! Why don't you go re-read your "Young Brides In Love" series for the 400th time?!?!?

(hand rests lightly on the "box-gun") ROFL!!! :::slides box cutter back into pocket::: :::slinks away into the dewey morning::: Wait! That's not dew! That's ICE! Miles and miles of ICE! Have I said that I hate Kansas yet today?

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was so goddamned perfect. Glad you're back, Buggy! Now goodnight!

Nah - I would NEVER jump the Shark! >gasp!< You mean you would never add a young child actor to your cast to amp up your sagging ratings?? You would never start doing ridiculous theme shows?? You would never move your show to a new "location" all in a sad effort to boost your uninteresting prime time crapola?!?!? Oh yeah. I'm down with the shark.

Yo, relax man. I gave the man a 5 star rating. There are other haters in the world. Are you saying there is a conspiracy afoot??? And are you saying it goes all the way to the top!??!?! TO ARCH AND BEYOND?!?!??!?!?! Intriguing.......................................................... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ROFL Pov!!!!! Ayyyyy! Yo! Are you going to jump your motorcycle over Arthur's tonight?!?!?

Greggy. I'll. Send. Ham. To. Eat. Your. Face. If. You. Don't. Make. It. Right.

Dammit, Greggy! DID YOU KILL MOUSE'S FIVE-STAR RATING?!?!?!?! I'll send Ham up to eat your face if you don't make it right!