Crisis On Infinite Message Boards 6 6

[Joanna]

Just gave this thread 5 stars, and bumped it to 4

I also gave Joanna 5 stars for taking time out of her busy schedule to entertain the forum community.

 

Thanks! I know it's a cliche at this point, but of course the stars don't matter. But I tend to find threads easier by looking at the stars and when they change, I get thrown. However, it's not a problem now as it's been sticky tacked.

 

Unfortunately, there must be some HATERS, as Joanna remains at only 3 stars

 

Thank you, but we've pretty much determined that it's impossible to have more than 3 stars as an individual. It's too easy to tick someone off and there's no way to change a rating once given. I've annoyed my share of posters, just like everyone else. Especially up in the water cooler!

 

-- Joanna

[OldGuy]

Thanks, Lantern!

 

It looks like the haters are out. The thread is down to 3 stars.

 

I gave it five and broke out the shill for five more. It should stay at four now and may get back to five even. Lucky for us Arch knows a good thread when he sees one so it's stuck now.

[hogations]

I'm the Twinkie?

 

Seriously, this thread is great! Keep us in stitches Joanna!

[ArAich]

It took me awhile to find the thread today because it just got a sticky tack

 

Well...if that ain't the bomb... ....and to top it off...I just found out I get HBO in my belly...

[Joanna]

Appearing in this Issue:

 

The Hero Squadron

 

Sgt. Rocky (Awe4one) Super strength

Damp Dude (Elvis) Aqua powers

Magic Tape (Scottish) stickiness

Go Go (Speedjunkies) Superspeed

Zilla (Zillatoy) Ninja dinosaur

Ape (CD4ever) Shape shifter

Chrome Dome (Chromium) power over metal

 

With:

 

The Brick (Crisco) invulnerable

Flame War (Fantastic Four) Flame power

Where'd He Go (Clobberintime) invisibility

 

The Bad Brigade

 

Negative Lad (Murpho) can affect self-esteem

Larry Von Dork (Werner Von Doom) evil scientist

Fission (Rob_React) Atomic powers

Pyro (Blazingbob) Pyro powers

Ki-Zar (Comicwiz) Killer lizard

Origami (Kevthemev) power over paper

Runt (BigMan) Shrinking power

Squatter (Lantern) knee laser beams

 

 

 

 

Issue 10 Part 3:

 

The Hero Squadron (with The Brick, Flame War and Where'd He Go) vs. The Bad Brigade.

 

"I don't like the way that sparrow is looking at me," says Sgt. Rocky.

 

"It's probably just hungry and the veins popping out of your immense biceps look like worms," says Damp Dude.

 

"Maybe... Hey Ape! Turn yourself into a worm and go see if that sparrow will eat you."

 

"The loss of mass involved in such a dramatic shape shift would defy physics and change the very world itself. Can't be done." Ape pretends to use his palm as a calculator then shows Rocky his invisible calculations.

 

"Can't argue with the math. Never mind."

 

"Is that true?" whispers Magic Tape to Ape.

 

"Nah. I'm just not in the mood to become a bird's lunch."

 

"My metal sense is tingling!" says Chrome Dome, staring intently at the sparrow.

 

"You have 'metal sense'?"

 

"Well, something is tingling, and that sounded better than my first thought."

 

Everyone surreptitiously takes a few steps away from Chrome Dome.

 

"If Spelling Bee were here, Chromey could get it on with the birds and bees." Go Go waits for appreciative applause, but it never comes. "Kostume Kween would've laughed," he mumbled.

 

"Kween is dead, Go Go. We all have to live with that." Rocky puts a consoling hand on Go Go's shoulder.

 

Chrome Dome inches closer to the sparrow. "Something's wrong. I'm still sensing metal, but why?"

 

"Ore deposits?"

 

"Magic Tape's watch?"

 

"My giant ninja sword?" Zilla waves it toward Chromey.

 

"Cut it out! Get all the metal away from me. This is important!"

 

The men step further away, watching as Chrome Dome approaches the sparrow.

 

Meanwhile

 

"Uh oh."

 

"What is it, Larry?"

 

"The sparrow-bot. It may have been discovered."

 

"Time to fight?" asks Runt. No one hears him.

 

"Time to fight?" asks Squatter.

 

"Yes. It is time," says Larry Von Dork. "Time for these erstwhile heroes to meet their doom! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

 

"Doom it is. Let's get to it. Origami, get the maps. Ki-Zar, bring the snacks. Negative Lad, make sure the lights are off. And check the oven! Runt was heating up pizza earlier and he has trouble reaching the knobs. Everyone ready to go?" Squatter tries to retrieve a duffel bag, but accidentally shoots it full of laser holes with his knees. "Anyone see that?"

 

"I did!" shouts Runt, curled in a fetal position, his hair singed.

 

"Quit lallygagging!" shouts Negative Lad, inches from Runt's teeny tiny ears. High volume shouting is hell on teeny tiny ears.

 

"Bring 'em on!" shouts Pyro.

 

"We're going to them, not the other way around."

 

"Bring us on!" shouts Pyro.

 

"I'll get the mini-van," says Fission. "Remember, people, seat belts! We may be villains, but we're still safety first."

 

"Will do, Fission."

 

"I've got shotgun!" calls Runt, unable to hear anything.

 

"You've got cup holder. I've got shotgun," says Negative Lad.

 

They load into the mini-van, buckling up with anticipatory smiles.

 

"We're gonna kick some hero butt!"

 

"Bad Brigade assemble!"

 

"We are assembled. You were supposed to say that ten minutes ago, Larry."

 

"Down, down, and away!"

 

"Needs work."

 

Meanwhile

 

Chromey crouches in the tall grass, easing his way toward the sparrow. He tilts his head to listen and thinks he might hear the sound of metallic gears as the sparrow moves his head.

 

Chromey holds his hand over the ground, smiles, and digs until he finds an 1899 Barber quarter. "Dear God in heaven, I can't believe I know what this stupid quarter is called! Must... stop... trolling... coin... forum..." He uses his metal powers to reshape the quarter into a small, metallic worm. "This should accomplish two things: tempt the sparrow, and cause a coinee to have a heart attack."

 

He places the metal worm on the ground, and slowly begins manipulating the magnetic field around it, to make it move toward the sparrow.

 

Meanwhile...

 

A van-load of villains has pulled up and a raging battle ensues. Zilla and Ki-Zar begin an epic lizard stand-off, with mighty roars, and much licking of eyes by the gigantic gecko. Zilla is freaked by this, and pulls his sword out. Ki-Zar uses his enormous sticky tongue to snatch the sword away, but Zilla pulls out 2 shurikans and zips the throwing stars at Ki-Zar, making him drop the sword. Both beasts now weaponless, they decide to wrestle and tumble around for a while.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Origami attacks Magic Tape by throwing spitballs at him. MT is soon covered with saliva-wadded paper and is totally grossed out. Quickly, MT removes all his clothing, thus shedding the spitballs, and wraps his nude body around Origami, rendering the paper-controlling fiend useless and a little turned on.

 

"I'm useless! And a little turned on," says Origami.

 

"Ew, ew, ew," says MT, but he doesn't loosen his sticky grip.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Chromey inches his metallic worm ever closer to the sparrow.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Pyro and Flame War trade off flaming each other by shooting fire and typing nasty things about each other on a message board. They are evenly matched, in both firepower and sophomoric humor, so it's a stalemate. This doesn't deter either man as both keep declaring themselves the winner.

 

Meanwhile...

 

The Brick attacks Fission. Fission unleashes his atomic power, but the brick's invulnerability holds. The Brick fights back using bad puns like "You're toast, Fission! And I'm the one who's going to butter you!" and "Looks like you're in a jam!" Neither the atomic blasts nor the puns cause any significant injury.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Negative Lad and Larry von Dork surround Where'd He Go, trapping the invisible man between them. Neg Lad pours low self-esteem at him while Larry talks about math camp. The power is overwhelming and WdHG faints from self-loathing and boredom. But because he's invisible, neither Neg Lad nor Larry realize they've won, so they continue to use their insidious powers. Each gets caught in the cross-fire, and they, too, pass out.

 

Meanwhile...

 

The worm is within 10 feet of the sparrow now. Sweat breaks out over Chromey's brow, but his concentration is complete. Soon, his questions will be answered.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Although it looks like Squatter is doing some warming up before fighting, his deep knee bends are really an unsuccessful attempt to laser-tag Go Go. Go Go, however, has different plans, and keeps running at superspeed, missing the rays of deadly light. To prove his superiority, he continually taps Squatter on the shoulder in a show of defiance. It never occurs to Go Go that he could probably punch him or tie him up. Go Go's speed is directly proportional to the slowness of his IQ. The faster he runs, the stupider he gets.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Runt tries to hide behind a blade of grass, but screams when the grass starts talking to him. "Gotcha!"

 

Runt runs at top speed, but Sgt. Rocky scoops him up, holding him in his powerful hand. Although Runt beats the hands unmercifully, Rocky doesn't notice. "Ape, I thought you said you couldn't make yourself that small or the world would explode."

 

Ape shifts back to his original form, his cheeks reddening. "I said I couldn't become a worm. A blade of grass is completely different."

 

"How so?"

 

"Well, one's a brown squirmy thing, the other is a green plant."

 

"I'm not finding you funny. I think I'm going to make you eat this little runt for dinner."

 

"Oh come on! That's really nasty," shouts Runt. No one hears him.

 

"Make me, muscle-boy."

 

"Why I oughta--"

 

"What? If you throw a punch, I'll turn into a brick wall or something. I'm not taking any more of your orders!"

 

"Mutiny!"

 

"That's Navy talk, not Army!" says Ape.

 

He's gotten him good, and the Sarge knows it.

 

"You called?" asks Damp Dude. "Navy reporting for duty!"

 

"You're a Marine, not Navy. Besides, it doesn't take 3 of us to fight this little twerp," says Rocky, holding up Runt. "Go help someone else."

 

"No one wants my help. I told you - Aquaguy powers are totally useless."

 

"Jump in a puddle or something."

 

"Can't find one."

 

"Ape, turn into a puddle so Dampy can feel usefull."

 

"I'm not listening! La la la..." Ape has his hands over his ears and is jumping around to avoid taking anymore orders.

 

Damp Dude gets on all fours, trying to find some dew on the grass.

 

Meanwhile...

 

Four inches, three... Chrome Dome waits breathlessly, his eyes on the sparrow (not unlike the Baretta theme song, yet without the murdering his wife part).

 

Suddenly, the sparrow grabs the metal worm, and swallows it down. There is a loud whirring of gears and a metallic chirp.

 

"I knew it! It's a sparrow-bot!" Chromey melts the sparrow into a puddle, then turns to tell the team. "Hey guys! It's a trap! This isn’t a real bird, it's a sparrow-bot! Guys?"

 

All across the field are the bodies of heroes and villains. No one is left standing. A movement to his left startles Chromey, but it's only Damp Dude, trying to swim in the sparrow-bot metal puddle.

 

"Huh," says Chromey. "Wonder if I missed anything?"

 

to be continued...

 

Edited July 17, 2003 by Joanna

[chromium]

Man I'm so the star of this serial

[Zonker]

Chromey crouches in the tall grass, easing his way toward the sparrow. He [!@#%^&^] his head to listen

 

Trying to figure out what the filters didn't like about that line? (a typo?) Oh waitasecond... he "[!@#%^&^]**" his head, right? Bwaa-Ha-Ha!

 

 

"I've got shotgun!"

"You've got cup holder."

 

** "C0CKS" (do I get a strike for that one?)

Edited July 17, 2003 by Zonker

[chromium]

Oooooh swear-word masking !!!!!

[Joanna]

Chromey crouches in the tall grass, easing his way toward the sparrow. He [!@#%^&^] his head to listen

 

Trying to figure out what the filters didn't like about that line? (a typo?) Oh waitasecond... he "[!@#%^&^]**" his head, right? Bwaa-Ha-Ha!

 

D'oh! I didn't even think about it masking that, since it's a non-swear useage. I'll put in a different word. Sassle-frassle filters.

 

 

"I've got shotgun!"

"You've got cup holder."

 

** "C0CKS" (do I get a strike for that one?)

 

I hope not since it's not used in any masking offense way.

[chrisco37]

Man! It gets better and better! Joanna's fiction writing prowess equals, nay, exceeds even Chuck!

 

Chris

[Zonker]

D'oh! I didn't even think about it masking that, since it's a non-swear useage. I'll put in a different word. Sassle-frassle filters.

 

Double cool, I got to see the now-legendary ultra-rare uncensored first edition of issue 10 part 3!

 

[BigMan]

 

"I've got shotgun!"

"You've got cup holder."

 

[yertle]

Wow, I never even bothered reading this thread until it got "sticky". No that isn't referencing the folks with the "goo" superpowers or Darth and his shooting goo. ::block mental image::

 

I have only skimmed the stories and can see I'll be busy this evening trying to catch up with everybody.

 

When does this come out in TPB form?

 

Great job Joanna!

 

-sam

[OldGuy]

Chromey crouches in the tall grass, easing his way toward the sparrow. He [!@#%^&^] his head to listen

 

Trying to figure out what the filters didn't like about that line? (a typo?) Oh waitasecond... he "[!@#%^&^]**" his head, right? Bwaa-Ha-Ha!

 

D'oh! I didn't even think about it masking that, since it's a non-swear useage. I'll put in a different word. Sassle-frassle filters.

 

 

"I've got shotgun!"

"You've got cup holder."

 

** "C0CKS" (do I get a strike for that one?)

 

I hope not since it's not used in any masking offense way.

 

Just call him a [!@#%^&^] and you'll be fine.

[OldGuy]

Chromey crouches in the tall grass, easing his way toward the sparrow. He [!@#%^&^] his head to listen

 

Trying to figure out what the filters didn't like about that line? (a typo?) Oh waitasecond... he "[!@#%^&^]**" his head, right? Bwaa-Ha-Ha!

 

D'oh! I didn't even think about it masking that, since it's a non-swear useage. I'll put in a different word. Sassle-frassle filters.

 

 

"I've got shotgun!"

"You've got cup holder."

 

** "C0CKS" (do I get a strike for that one?)

 

I hope not since it's not used in any masking offense way.

 

Just call him a [!@#%^&^] and you'll be fine.

 

It got added to the filter, never mind.

[Proverbs22_2]

Man! It gets better and better! Joanna's fiction writing prowess equals, nay, exceeds even Chuck!

 

Chris

 

[Joanna]

Issue 10, Part 4: Hero vs. Hero

 

Appearing in this Issue:

 

The Solar Powers

 

Mercury (Dam60) flight, heat, speed

Venus (CosmicBob) flight, love

Earth (Ubiquiti) flight, power over dirt

Mars (Mushroom) flight, warrior skills

Uranus (Old Guy) flight, noxious scent

Saturn (Odin) flight, energy rings

Jupiter (BronzeBruce) flight, gas

Neptune (Zonker) flight, water

Pluto (hkp) flight, ice

 

The Hostess Hoard

 

Twinkie (Hogations) goo

Snowball (The Beyonder) goo

Ding Dong (Aman) goo

Ho Ho (Ninanina) goo

Fruit Pie (JLA All the Way) goo

Cupcake (Doyle) goo

Susie Q (Andrew Knight) goo

 

The Solar Powers Vs. The Hostess Hoard

 

"On your marks, get set -- goo!" Twinkie is filled with pride at the instant response to his order. "That's it, guys. All you have to do is think it, and you can make it. Ding Dong, nice Frankenstein. Cupcake, make the spiders bigger and more abundant. Susie Q, although a lot of fun, Playboy bunnies are not all that menacing."

 

"They are to virgins," says Susie Q. "And I'm banking that we'll have our share of virgins, regardless of who we fight."

 

"What are you, a coinee? Next you'll be making a Mom's basement joke!"

 

"Oops," says Snowball, standing in front of an exact replica of his mother's basement made entirely of creamy filling. He quickly reshapes it into the X-Men.

 

"Keep in mind that your creations are merely representations, not the real McCoys. They don't' have superpowers or anything."

 

Frustrated, Snowball makes a giant twinkie then stomps it.

 

"Okay, lads, take five," says Twinkie.

 

The Hostess Hoard marches their creations over to an enormous pile of goo on the edge of the practice field. "Wish we could make them disappear. Clean-up is going to be hell," says Ho Ho.

 

"I suppose we'll just make a goo clean-up crew and have them do it. And then they'll have to clean themselves up."

 

"I never knew being a hero was so exhausting," says Cupcake.

 

"You're out of shape. Drop and give me twenty," says Twinkie.

 

Cupcake drops to the ground, makes a 20 dollar bill out of goo, and hands it to Twinkie.

 

Before Twinkie can respond, he hears shouting from high above.

 

"Prepare to die!"

 

"Take no prisoners!"

 

"Win one for the big dipper!"

 

Spinning out of the clear blue sky, the Solar Powers land opposite The Hostess Hoard, ready for battle.

 

"We are The Solar Powers! And we are ready for battle!" says Jupiter.

 

"We are The Hostess Hoard! And we're on a break!" says Twinkie.

 

"Oh. Okay, we can wait."

 

"Thanks. Been a long morning."

 

"Perfectly understandable."

 

The Solar Powers mill about, talking amongst themselves while the Hostess Hoard finish their cigarettes, snacking, and gossip. After ten minutes, Twinkie stands up, brushes off his spandex and clears his throat.

 

"Okay, then, break's over guys!" shouts Twinkie.

 

Reluctantly, the Hostess Hoard assumes their battle positions.

 

"Everybody ready?" asks Jupiter. Both teams nod. "Solar Powers attack!"

 

"Hostess Hoard, on your mark, get set--" Twinkie is suddenly overcome by an explosion of ever-expanding gas. "...goo..." He passes out.

 

Quickly, Cupcake makes a replica of the Alaskan pipeline, and channels the gas away from his team.

 

Mercury steps up and cooks the pipeline until it melts into a sugary liquid.

 

"After this fight is over, could you melt of that pile of practice goo?" asks Ho Ho, pointing to the gigantic white mound of creamy filling.

 

"Sure, no problem."

 

"Much appreciated."

 

Snowball makes a huge pile of snowballs and begins pelting Mercury. Overcome by the barrage, Mercury is soon buried.

 

Seeing his fellow planet in distress, Saturn whips some energy rings at Snowball and knocks him out. Fruit Pie responds by setting up a carnival ring-toss game. Unable to resist winning the giant cream teddy bear, Saturn turns away from his team to concentrate on the game.

 

Venus turns on the love power and makes Fruit Pie his adoring slave. Fruit Pie makes boxes of goo candy and bouquets of creamy flowers, in an attempt to woo Venus with love clichés.

 

Seeing the tide turning, Cupcake makes a large knight in shining goo and sweeps Venus off his feet. Immediately, Mars takes up arms and begins jousting with the knight.

 

Earth sees that Cupcake is distracted by the jousting tournament. He causes a small earthquake under Cuppy's feet, causing the heroic Hostessoid to fall into a fissure.

 

Ding Dong runs to the aid of his friend, using a giant cream backhoe to dig out Cupcake. Then he turns the backhoe on Earth, who runs screaming. Alerted by the screams, Neptune washes away the backhoe with jets of water from his fingers, then turns them on Ding Dong. Twinkie creates a swimming pool and water slide -- something Neptune finds impossible to resist. He strips down to his shorts and begins sliding, shouting, "Watch me! Watch me!"

 

Saturn refuses to watch, as he is getting closer and closer to winning the giant teddy bear, so Pluto steps in and freezes the water in the pool. Neptune slips across the surface and hurts his tailbone in the fall, but at least he's no longer enraptured by the slide.

 

Jupiter sees that his crew are being picked off one at a time by the Hoard. Saturn is playing ring toss, Mars is fighting a knight, Venus stares lovingly at the knight, Earth is still running from a backhoe that no longer exists, Neptune is nursing a bruised tailbone, Mercury is buried under gooey snowballs, Pluto is ice-skating on the frozen swimming pool, and Uranus is just watching everything.

 

"Uranus! Now!" shouts Jupiter.

 

"Okee doke." Turning his back to the Hostess Hoard, Uranus scrunches up his face and unleashes his awesome power. As one, the Hoard faints from the noxious odor released by Uranus's south pole.

 

As soon as the Hoard loses consciousness, their creations revert to plain goo. The Solar Powers gather around -- some rather sheepishly -- looking at their fallen enemies.

 

"Dang it, I almost had it, too!" says Saturn, whipping an energy ring at the pile of goo that was once a carnival booth.

 

"I thought Sir Creamy really loved me for who I am inside," says Venus.

 

"Only if your outside is golden sponge cake," says Mars.

 

"Quiet! All of you just shut up!" says Jupiter. "This was pitiful. If we hadn't had our secret weapon, we'd have been wiped out."

 

Twinkie regains consciousness and stands up woozily. "The villains have won," he says sadly, looking at his fallen troops.

 

"Villains? You got it wrong, pal. We're the heroes. You're the villains, and you've lost." Jupiter and the Solar Powers strike a heroic pose to bring the point home.

 

"We're not villains! We're heroes!" says Twinkie, also striking a heroic pose. The Hoard slowly awakens, notices that it's a pose-off and quickly join their leader.

 

"Oh man! We fell into the biggest cliché of all!" says Jupiter. "We did the 'heroes meet; don't realize they're all heroes and fight' shtick!"

 

"Dagnabbit! That means there are probably a bunch of villains with no one to fight."

 

"I've had it with all this in-fighting. The real villain is up there somewhere," says Jupiter, pointing to the empty sky. "It's the Archi-Moderator that we need to fight, not each other!"

 

"You're right. We need to band together, hero and villain alike. We need to defeat the Archi-Moderator!"

 

A cheer rises from both groups. They realize that this is the moment when everything changes. They have spent their lives -- or at least a few hours -- fighting for what's right. Well, defeating the Archi-Moderator is the biggest right of them all.

 

"We must unite!"

 

"Yes! We cannot fail! Right Hostess Hoard?"

 

"Right!"

 

"Right Solar Powers?"

 

"Right!"

 

"Let's get him!"

 

To be continued in Issue 11...

 

 

[THE_BEYONDER]

[Architecht]

"The Hoard slowly awakens, notices that it's a pose-off and quickly join their leader."

 

 

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

 

MUUUUUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

 

MWAHAHAA

 

[Joanna]

This past week, the book packager who asked me to write two proposals for them, went through their proposals to decide which ones to produce mock-ups for (a cover, table of contents and a sample chapter with illustrations). These mock-ups will be presented at the Frankfort International Book Fair in October, in hopes of finding a publisher. Happily, they have chosen to do mock-ups of both of my books. This is especially good news because I was told that only one would have a chance at getting a mock-up, and if they did choose it, the 2nd would be presented as "we have this one, too" sort of thing. This was to keep costs down. Apparently, they liked them both enough that they felt it was worth the cost to do the pair.

 

Getting these proposals out were the primary reason I had to quit writing Crisis for awhile, so I just wanted you to know that although you had to wait a bit, it was for a good cause. I'm very psyched about this!

 

-- Joanna