Comic collectors who have had serious, hobby-related friction with a significant other, how did it resolve? 2 2

[THE_BEYONDER]

4 minutes ago, Lorne Malvo said:

Thanks guys. Now I am having second thoughts about getting married.

Since I live with my GF, I have everything shipped to my office. And once I get home, I quietly slip the new addition(s) into my collection without her knowing when she's either cooking or taking a shower. 

Does she know about these forums? 

[Lorne Malvo]

2 minutes ago, THE_BEYONDER said:

Does she know about these forums? 

No sir

[MetalPSI]

Cook?

 

If I didn't cook, I'd starve to death 

[Randall Ries]

1 hour ago, Hairless Wookiee said:

There's just no winning. I'm always threatened with my comics being destroyed or tossed out. I now hide my best slabs and raw books from her just in case. She acts like my 3 long boxes and 1 short box are taking up all the room in the house. Anyway....that's my life. 

Power and control issues aren't just men issues. What you describe is exactly that. You just said at least 18 years went by and the situation hasn't changed one iota.

I have gone through some terrible terrible things in relationships. REALLY terrible. Now, I have a wife who loves me and takes care of me like a wife should take care of her man. I do the same for her. It's symbiosis. When I overstep, she lets me know. And I do the same for her. It wasn't always like this. Early, she had tried to power and control me. What I had been through previously had not made me weaker or a pushover. It made me stronger and added a resolve as to how I would be treated. I'm a human being as well. And what I have observed is the US still entertains some weird Victorian mores while trying to give "equality" to women. Which - in short - is telling them they can get away with both sides of the coin. Of COURSE there is domestic abuse. This isn't that.

My wife learned early that "Oh no. We aren't playing that". Telling me "no" concerning some innocuous things. I don't make decisions for my wife. I "allow" her to find her way and her place in things. I listen when she has a problem and she brings her problems to me. Together we will work on it. But I will not be told I cannot collect. I make money. She makes money. As long as I don't get carried away, everything is fine. I HAVE gotten carried away, I got chapped at for it, I adjusted myself and we moved on.

I said early on "I will not earn money just to pay bills and that's it. I have interests and hobbies. They are part of who I am as an individual. They are separate from "us". These things are "me". Idf and when you develop and interest, it will be the same for you. I will not be harnessed like that. For you see: ANY psychologist will tell you that by restricting someones interests or hobbies, the people they see and the family they choose to hang out with is a form of domestic abuse. The PROBLEM is it is readily accepted if it is the man doing these things to their wives/partners etc. Not so much if it's the other way around. That is something we as a society have yet to come to grips with.

Sorry if that "bothers" anyone. But I have been through the mill and seen both sides in as close up a situation as one could imagine. For example, if you told your wife "No. You ARE NOT spending the money I earn on "XYZ", it would immediately be construed as "power and control". But we see easily as she does that precise thing to YOU, nary an eyebrow would be raised. In fact, her female friends would agree with HER viewpoint concerning your want to collect comics and spend money YOU EARN. I'd bet almost anything. Because they don't see it as abuse when they pull it on us. Always some BS reason and rationale to explain it away.

Anyway. Hobbies to those who love them NEED them. it's a psychological NEED to connect. My need to collect stems from wanting to feel young and remember being a kid with fondness and to extend that feeling with an adults perspective. I had to explain it to my current wife. I will not slave just to pay the man, then save for some trip or cruise and have nothing but photos and memories to show for it. I'm not AGAINST those things, but the collector in me is HERE and is GOING to be included. Simple as that. Don't like it? So sorry. But my first wish is I hope you DO like it or at least respect me enough to NOT make my life a guilty Hell or what I love as unpleasant. Not cool.

[BabaLament]

My wife, who is incredible, amazing, fantastic, phenomenal, *reads my forum posts*, and is the light of my life, is fine with my collecting comics & Funko Pop's, provided we keep it on a budget. So far its been just fine; she even enjoys coming in when I'm organizing/filing books to chat & check out the artwork. She has no interest in reading the books, but she likes the variety in the art. She also enjoys going to comic conventions (which is where we met), not so much for the books, but to shop for random stuff & enjoy the people-watching. She loves the cosplay competitions, but I've been told on more than one occasion that I will never be a participant. With a new Ghostbusters film on the horizon, and the epic cute/evil of the teaser trailer, I'm thinking about finding my old summer dress uniform before the local convention...

She's a crochet person, and her craft room is stacked with more boxes of yarn that I have comics in my office; so we both get our hobby fix as necessary.

[comicginger1789]

I have a comic hallway and corner for my shelves in the basement (they are disguised well and look like nice neat shelves to company). 

As for spending, I tell her about large purchases that require me to spend our money. She knows I will sell stuff to make it back. In terms of how much of our actual money I spend on comics, it is maybe $60-100 a month...not enough for her to care, as it is my only hobby and real expediture on myself outside of clothes when needed. The hobby funds itself for the most part. She cares zilch about them. I love her 

Now...my secret master plan once the kids are old is to slowly take over the basement. I have hinted at this and she shakes her head and says "yeah right" but I think I can make it happen in the future!

Edited April 22, 2021 by comicginger1789

[innocuous]

Going back to my previous comment being transparent about finances with my wife, this area is what seems to cause the most difficulty for some of you. Here is how we look at managing this part of our 25+ year marriage.

Comic buying falls in three categories: investment, entertainment and enrichment

Investment: You need to have good asset allocation, such as stocks, bonds, real estate, etc. I allocate 5% of investments to funny books. As long as they continue to return better than my core bond funds, all is good here. Unfortunately, due to rapid appreciation, comics are overweighted right now, but I'm not selling!

Entertainment: Comics are for reading, so some money is allocated here, same as movies, eating out, Netflix, AppleTV, etc. So, no complaining here as this has pretty quick return on happiness.

Enrichment: Everyone needs physical and emotional enrichment. For example, last year I spent money buying a nice Cervelo road bike and my wife spent money on lots of sewing and knitting supplies. So, we agree on money in this category is well spent. Comics provide me emotional enrichment. Yes, you can put a price on it.

I know it's hard to get started with this type of conversation, but get it done now and be happy later.

This is my model for happiness. Good luck to all.

[Randall Ries]

4 hours ago, Artboy99 said:

shouldn't have to prove how it benefits her and she knew I collected comics before she moved in with me. 

ABSOLUTELY correct. I don't have to prove anything or even explain myself. I will not. She doesn't HAVE to like it. If she got rid of my books there would be a MAJOR problem. How DARE you? How disrespectful. Now I'm getting rid of you. GTFO.

[Randall Ries]

2 hours ago, Robot Man said:

My wife could care less. She knows collecting makes me happy and keeps me out of her hair. It is a self generating hobby. I have to sell stuff to buy more. I collect lots of other stuff as well, she even lets me display some of it around the house (tastefully). I do have a comic room/office. I can do anything there. She’s an antique dealer. Keeps nothing. She has even brought me home stuff from her buying trips. 

Only time I got heat was when I brought home another electric guitar. I keep them in cases under the bed. She keeps her shoes in bins there as well. I moved a bin into the closet to put a guitar there. She went nuts and rightly so I guess. So now I put them under the bed in the guest room...

Oh man. Nothing sexier than a woman who deals in antiques. That's like having access to a private eye. Has she ever spotted comics for you? Funny thing is in most antique shops, comics aren't considered antiques per se. I have seen very very few comics in any antique shop I have visited. Paper can be considered antique, like old WWII posters or advertising cardboard, but not comics so much.

[Lurker89]

[Randall Ries]

1 hour ago, Lorne Malvo said:

Thanks guys. Now I am having second thoughts about getting married.

Since I live with my GF, I have everything shipped to my office. And once I get home, I quietly slip the new addition(s) into my collection without her knowing when she's either cooking or taking a shower. 

Yeah Say what you just wrote out loud to yourself. Does it sound healthy to you?  When you answer the question you may ask yourself "Why am I sneaking comic books like I might pornography", the answer is usually a red flag. That is something best straightened out and agreed on before marriage. It WILL become an issue at some point.

I have become a huge advocator for myself. When I was dating and it was clear we found each other interesting, I had a little "list" I would get to in the form of conversation. Things like "Nah. I don't want any more kids. Had a vasectomy 30 years ago." And the biggie: "I can't stand active alcoholics. I hate the way they behave, I hate their attitude and I hate the disease. Seen it. Lived through their problem. Not doing it again. EVER." You might be surprised but my intolerance for alcoholics and the desire to not crowd the planet with more people actually prompted some women to get off the train. "Oh. I LOVE kids!" And "WOW! I had NO IDEA you were so judgmental!" Well? I am. Being that way  eventually probably saved me a lot of hassles and more heartache. See. In that circumstance, WOMEN are "choosey". MEN are "judgmental". LOL!

[thehumantorch]

13 minutes ago, innocuous said:

Going back to my previous comment being transparent about finances with my wife, this area is what seems to cause the most difficulty for some of you. Here is how we look at managing this part of our 25+ year marriage.

Comic buying falls in three categories: investment, entertainment and enrichment

Investment: You need to have good asset allocation, such as stocks, bonds, real estate, etc. I allocate 5% of investments to funny books. As long as they continue to return better than my core bond funds, all is good here. Unfortunately, due to rapid appreciation, comics are overweighted right now, but I'm not selling!

Entertainment: Comics are for reading, so some money is allocated here, same as movies, eating out, Netflix, AppleTV, etc. So, no complaining here as this has pretty quick return on happiness.

Enrichment: Everyone needs physical and emotional enrichment. For example, last year I spent money buying a nice Cervelo road bike and my wife spent money on lots of sewing and knitting supplies. So, we agree on money in this category is well spent. Comics provide me emotional enrichment. Yes, you can put a price on it.

I know it's hard to get started with this type of conversation, but get it done now and be happy later.

This is my model for happiness. Good luck to all.

I'm with you.  Collecting comics is important to all of us but there are other priorities in life, especially when we're in a relationship with someone else and/or have children.  We are all different, our significant others are all different, and our budgets are all different, but I think when we enter a relationship there should be some understanding and agreement on what should be spent on the hobby.  And hiding our spending from our significant other is not a great idea.

[I am not Glenda]

My wife has had the privilege ( I am kidding) of being a stay at home mom to our 3 kids ( all grown) she at best has worked a few minor jobs in the last 30 yrs. We have a very simple deal.......... as long as the house, 2 decent vehicles ( one being a R/T Challenger shaker 6.4 which any man will tell you is a family car  and some house/vacation savings are all a priority......... meaning as long as I make sure to take care of all the important s#it first & she does not have to worry about it she has no problem with my comic purchases, just recently I showed her what some of the "big boys" are worth and she never said "sell them" as she knows how much they mean to me. Unfortunately, the kids could care less about comics or collecting in general so at some point they will be moving on as I see no point in not enjoying some of the funds later in life.   

Edited April 22, 2021 by I am not Glenda

[Lurker89]

[october]

My wife and I both work. She buys what she wants, I buy what I want. Neither of us are frivolous, so it's not a problem. 

After a year or two of making good money flipping comics, she stopped even thinking about it, even why I run large buys by her first. Zero arguments, or even discussions, about comic money in 7-8 years. Now the TIME I spend on comics is a different story. That sometimes upsets her, and deservedly so, so I scale back when I am too into it.

I don't think I could be with someone actively hostile to comics. It's a hobby and a second job and too important to me.

[kimik]

My wife used to have issues with the amount of books years ago when we first got married. I had always bought and sold books when I was in university, and realized after a a short while of married bliss that if I sold meaningful amounts of books, and used a small portion of the profits on household related spending rather than buying more books, she was happy. Now when I talk about selling a large group of books she cautions me not to sell everything as they will go up further in value.  

[D84]

3 hours ago, batman_fan said:

essential oils (if you know what that is, condolences)

My favorite post of the day.

[Westy Steve]

I've collected stuff as long as I've been with my wife.  In the beginning, I'd characterize her as "putting up with it".  But she's seen first-hand that when the fecal matter hits the whirligig, I will not hesitate to sell things for the betterment of our family.  I've sold stuff to stabilize our rental property empire and to buy a car for one of the kids who needed it.  Again, no regrets.

Lately, she's seen first-hand that my collecting is large enough and old enough that they are virtually self-sustaining.  I can sell things that I bought a long time ago to fund new purchases and their appreciation/growth more than makes up for the transaction costs.  She gets that.  The collection improves over time with much effort, but not much money.

Along the way, I invested the kids savings accounts into collectibles.  She noticed that the kids got great returns on their money.  I just sold an ASM 238, CGC 9.6 that I bought 5 years ago...do the math on that one!  Two of my kids had half interest in it, and with half the proceeds, the older kid got a computer for college and the younger kid's proceeds were invested into a nice looking Flash 123 that will be sold in 2 years when she hits college.

Very recently, she's seen the ridiculous price runs in our hobby and she's been exceptionally supportive, even recommending I "hurry up and pay my layaway stuff off" to lock it away.  Not saying that I had any qualms about the integrity of the sellers, who were sterling sellers.

Edited April 22, 2021 by Westy Steve

[kimik]

I am curious to see how new collectors' and/or speculators' significant others view their comic buying now when the current run up stalls or pulls back. 

Edited April 22, 2021 by kimik

[kav]

3 hours ago, Randall Ries said:

I have gone through some terrible terrible things in relationships. REALLY terrible.

My GF broke up with me on valentine's day, and made sure I saw her new BF drop her off at work the next day-