Crisis On Infinite Message Boards 6 6

[Joanna]

Anyone offended by this thread needs to check their ego at the door. Or go buy a nice new shiny CGC 10 book with a phallic symbol on the cover to make up for certain defficiencies. Joanna, this is some of the best reading on the board since we've lost Hammer and his lovable threats of bodily harm. However your writing is much more creative, after all there are only so many ways to dismember someone with your bare hands. Great stuff!!!

 

Strange you should mention that -- Blackshotzy (who is no relation to hammer) is busy threatening Doyle in Grading and Restoration. It's like old times.

 

Hey, LordRahl -- wanna be a villain? I'm really short of villains.

[Joanna]

The purpose of this was not to offend, but to entertain. So let me know if you are, in fact, offended.

Joanna, anyone offended by your comedic creative writing can eat and .

 

Thanks for the support Boc. Just for that, you won't die in chapter 7. But who will...? bwa ha ha ha ha!

[Bugaboo-migration]

I'm sorta offended that you haven't really trashed me at all. Feel free to beat me to a pulp at will.

[JLA_ALL_THE_WAY]

Well well well...

 

I take another sabattical and when I return I am presented with a po' man's Crisis??? Joanna, all I can say to your attempt at humor is-

 

Girl, you're lucky I'm already married (in more ways than 1...zoinks!).

 

This is truly an interesting read and I commend you on your creativity and on-the-nose references.

 

And yes, I am offended. Shocked & Appalled that you could ridicule all these (deserving) forumites. And not include me. Am I not worthy of such humiliation & disgrace? Does not the Bell toll for me?? *sob*

 

All righty then, let's get back to the action! But if you kill someone off and bring him back, I will be verry disappointed. But not surprised.

 

Keep it up, Girl! (whoops, maybe I should re-phrase that...nah!)

 

Rick

 

 

[supapimp]

your computer must suck

 

More than greggy in a Turkish Bath house!

 

Chris

 

that's mean, funny, but mean.

[Joanna]

I'm sorta offended that you haven't really trashed me at all. Feel free to beat me to a pulp at will.

 

I have big plans for Coinee the Conqueror! And thanks for being man enough to take a gentle ribbing. Besides, being a villain is cool. And so far, I have so few. I need more! I think some of the heroes may have to turn into villains. But don't worry -- I'll keep Ubiquiti a hero so you two can have a major brawl.

[BlackShotzy-migration]

Where did I do that Joanna? Threaten Doyle? Matter of factly, he's the one threatening and laying his foul tongue on me (from afar)! I'm merely suggesting that if you're threatening someone and cursing them out, be a MAN and do it to their face, otherwise it has NO meaning. Otherwise it's Internet Geek/Wimp/Wuss courage. Phony courage from a safe distance.

 

And everyone here, being of the same womanly ilk, sees a certain honor in that. I just don't see it. What glory is there in cursing out people you don't know and threatening them over the internet if you're unwilling to meet them in person to repeat your rant, face to face? If you have a sworn enemy, a huge vendetta and would like to see your adversary laid out in front of you in pieces small enough to pass through a 5" hoop (it can be done, trust me!) and you let it be known, then at least be man enough to back up your words and engage your adversary in person otherwise you're less than NOTHING! ZERO! DOYLESQUE!

 

Doyle!!! Little pencil necked, pencil _____ Doyle. Likes to point fingers at people he doesn't know and ride them. Threaten them. Then runs crying when they don't run or back up based on his long-distance bravado bluffing!

He makes it well known to others what he'd like to do to his enemies, yet, when invited...DECLINES!!! What is that??? That's not a man. That's not even an adult. That's a non-entity.

 

Of course, Joanna, your interpretation is different because you read between lines and fill in your own blanks to suit your likes and intense dislikes of certain posters.

 

I think that anyone who interprets my post or any post of mine to be threatening Doyle should wrap their lips around the real thing depicted in one of those icons above and hopefully choke to death slowly doing so.

 

I think that Crisis as written by Joanna is the single most brilliant literary piece that I've ever read. All the greats, Shakespeare, Poe, Jackie Gleason, etc. must be spinning in their grave with envy!!

[Joanna]

Issue 7, Part 3: Someone is still gonna die, promise.

 

 

Meanwhile...

 

Raspberry Toaster Pastry catches up to the JBH as they hover, trying to figure out a battle plan. She hangs back just a moment, to listen.

 

"I say we scare 'em by setting up a PA system and reading Atom Age horror books in a really spooky voice on the loudspeaker."

 

"Why is that always your plan, Bee? Every time! When we fought The Bowels of Eliminator -- that was your plan. When we battled The Dork Twins -- that was your plan. When we had that crisis on Forum Five with the Fearless Fifteen -- that was your plan. They were fearless, and that was still your plan! It never works," says Lighthouse.

 

"May I?" asks RTP.

 

"Who are you?"

 

"Raspberry Toaster Pastry. But you can call me RTP, for short. I'm a mouthful."

 

After blushing a bit, the 3 members of the JBH wait for her to continue.

 

"I... I've always admired you guys and well, I just got some superpowers from a radioactive raspberry..." She holds up the baggie of raspberries to prove the story.

 

"You should put those in a Ziplock," says Bee, helpfully.

 

"I know! That's what I told the mysterious woman who gave them to me. But anyway, I'm here because I want to fight and die beside you."

 

"Whoa!"

 

"Die? Who said anything about dying?"

 

"That is so not a golden age thing to do."

 

"Sorry," says RTP. "My background is in moderns."

 

The JBH leaves RTP hovering and find a new patch of sky in which to talk. RTP squeezes her left breast and instantly starts squirting goo everywhere. "Dangit! right rise, left goo, right rise, left goo. This is so embarrassing. Damn costume should come with a gigantic box of Kleenex."

 

Hundreds of feet below, she hears the screams of several innocent, now goo-covered civilians. Quickly, she squeezes her right breast and swoops over to the JBH. "Let me try again. I really want to help. I don't have to die or anything. I just want to fight and defeat evil."

 

Lighthouse squares his shoulders -- a difficult thing to do while riding in a donut-hole -- and says, "I guess we can use all the help we can get. Here -- decode this message and I can give you a Justa Buncha Heroes ID card and decoder ring."

 

"Don't I need the ring to decode the message?"

 

"It says, 'I want to be a hero,'" says Bee.

 

"Way to wreck it!" groans Flying Donut.

 

"Well, it's not that difficult," says Bee. "Look, 'K' is a one letter word, so it has to be 'I' or 'A'. And since there's another one letter word later, it makes more sense that it's 'I'. Now you know that 'Z' is 'A' and 'K' is 'I', so the next word--"

 

"Okay, I've decoded it. It says 'I want to be a hero!"

 

"He's good," whispers Bee, awed.

 

"May we please get back to planning our attack on the giant floating IT unit above us? My stomach is getting chafed. Damn these sprinkles!"

 

"So what is the plan?" asks RTP.

 

"I say we scare 'em by setting up a PA system and..."

 

Meanwhile...

 

Nine men are sitting around listening to sitar music and seeing pretty colors.

 

"Damn," says Dam.

 

"Hot damn," says Odin.

 

"Bubbling hot damn," says Zonker.

 

"Bubbling hot damn with jam," says Cosmicbob.

 

"Buckets of bubbling hot damn with jam," says Hkp.

 

"My turn?" asks Ubiquiti. "Gimme a sec."

 

"Enough," breaks in Bronzebruce. "Anyone feeling any superpowers yet?"

 

"I see skies of blue... red roses, too..." sings Mushroom.

 

"Anyone else have the muchies? All I've had to eat today was this Spaceshroom." Old guy checks his pockets. "Never mind, found a Chicklet."

 

"There should be some indication that we've become powerful beings," mumbles Bronzebruce.

 

Suddenly, all nine of them pass out. Thankfully, Old Guy does not choke on his Chicklet.

 

An hour passes. Slowly Bronzebruce comes to and realizes that everyone is now wearing spandex with the picture of a planet on it. "Cool!" He looks at his chest. "Jupiter! I have the power of ever expanding gas!"

 

CosmicBob wakes up next. He, too, checks his shirt. "I don't know my planets. What is this one?"

 

"Your name is CosmicBob and you don't know your planets?" Bronzebruce shakes his head.

 

Odin awakes and recognizes that he's Saturn. "I can throw powerful rings of energy."

 

Hkp gives a cry of happiness. "I'm Pluto! The Disney Planet!"

 

"What's your power?"

 

"I'm like a big cartoon dog. Or maybe it's something ice-related." He picks up a glass of water that instantly freezes. "Definitely the ice thing."

 

"Anyone know which planet this is?" asks Cosmicbob.

 

"Neptune," says Zonker.

 

"I'm Neptune? Excellent! Water power!" says Cosmicbob.

 

"No, I'm Neptune." Zonker makes dancing waters come out of his fingers.

 

"Mercury! I'm Mercury! Heat powers!" cries Dam, melting Hkp's glass of ice.

 

"Please don't let me be Uranus," whispers Cosmicbob.

 

"No mistaking me. I'm Earth!" says Ubiquiti, doing an endzone victory dance.

 

"And I'm Mars," says Mushroom. "The mighty god of war. I must be the ultimate warrior."

 

"Not Uranus, not Uranus, not Uranus..."

 

"Wake up, Old Guy. Look at your shirt."

 

"Huh? Wha...? Why do I have a picture of Uranus on my chest?"

 

"Yes!" cries Cosmicbob. "Okay, let me see. Old Guy is Uranus, Bronzebruce is Jupiter, Dam is Mercury, Zonker is Neptune, Mushroom is Mars, Odin is Saturn, Hkp is Pluto, Ubiquiti is Earth... what's left?"

 

"Venus!" they all shout in unison.

 

"I'm screwed."

 

"Let's call ourselves the Solar Powers!" cries Jupiter, his bronzed head held high.

 

"To the Solar Powers! Hip, hip, hooray!"

 

"What would a Venus do?"

 

"Forget that. What would Uranus do? After all, we've already got Mr. Ever-expanding-gas over there..."

 

Meanwhile...

 

KostumeKween is despondent. He's been watching as scores of ordinary men suddenly gain superpowers, yet here he is, a mere mortal who wears the trappings of fictional heroes. "I need to find something radioactive -- and fast," he decides. He refuses to be left out of the battle he knows is coming. "I started the darn thread. I should be playing a lead role!" He knows he's right, and by the seven moons of Kansas, he's going to do something about it.

 

He takes the Greyhound to Smallville, and finds that not only is it deserted, it doesn't exist. Dragging his deluxe luggage cart across a wheat field, he's unsure what to do next. Suddenly, a meteor comes shooting out of the sky, landing smack dab in the middle of his Samsonite matched set. Horrified, he quickly checks to see if anything has survived. He is shocked to find all of his attire fried to a crisp, save one: his silver age Supergirl costume. Thinking it must be a sign, he quickly dons the blue miniskirted dress and red cape.

 

A shiver quivers through him and he suddenly feels tingly and giddy. Euphorically, he leaps into the air and just keeps going. He can fly! Focusing on a far-off tree, it bursts into flames. He has heat vision! Focusing on a comely lass on a bicycle, he looks at her naughty bits. He has X-ray vision! It takes him a day and a half to move on to any more tests, but eventually he discovers that he has all of the powers of the mighty Silver Age Supergirl! It is time to join the fight! Nothing -- absolutely nothing -- can go wrong now that he's the silver age Supergirl about to battle in an Infinite Crisis, he thinks, smugly.

 

To be continued...

 

 

 

[LordRahl]

Anyone offended by this thread needs to check their ego at the door. Or go buy a nice new shiny CGC 10 book with a phallic symbol on the cover to make up for certain defficiencies. Joanna, this is some of the best reading on the board since we've lost Hammer and his lovable threats of bodily harm. However your writing is much more creative, after all there are only so many ways to dismember someone with your bare hands. Great stuff!!!

 

Strange you should mention that -- Blackshotzy (who is no relation to hammer) is busy threatening Doyle in Grading and Restoration. It's like old times.

 

Hey, LordRahl -- wanna be a villain? I'm really short of villains.

 

Villify me. Can I twist off some heads and use CGC slabs as decapitating devices ala Oddjob? Oh oh can I, can I?

[Bonds25]

Doyle!!! Little pencil necked, pencil _____ Doyle. Likes to point fingers at people he doesn't know and ride them. Threaten them. Then runs crying when they don't run or back up based on his long-distance bravado bluffing!

He makes it well known to others what he'd like to do to his enemies, yet, when invited...DECLINES!!! What is that??? That's not a man. That's not even an adult. That's a non-entity..

 

I think that anyone who interprets my post or any post of mine to be threatening Doyle should wrap their lips around the real thing depicted in one of those icons above and hopefully choke to death slowly doing so.

 

Hmmmmm... This sounds an awful lot like another poster who used to post on this board, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Does anyone here know who I'm talking about??

[Joanna]

Villify me. Can I twist off some heads and use CGC slabs as decapitating devices ala Oddjob? Oh oh can I, can I?

 

And a villain you shall be.

[Bugaboo-migration]

Doyle!!! Little pencil necked, pencil _____ Doyle. Likes to point fingers at people he doesn't know and ride them. Threaten them. Then runs crying when they don't run or back up based on his long-distance bravado bluffing!

He makes it well known to others what he'd like to do to his enemies, yet, when invited...DECLINES!!! What is that??? That's not a man. That's not even an adult. That's a non-entity..

 

I think that anyone who interprets my post or any post of mine to be threatening Doyle should wrap their lips around the real thing depicted in one of those icons above and hopefully choke to death slowly doing so.

 

Hmmmmm... This sounds an awful lot like another poster who used to post on this board, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Does anyone here know who I'm talking about??

Snizzenfixit?

 

 

Buttrag?

 

 

Sammythesack?

 

 

Mouse?

 

[BachelorOfComix]

?

 

[Kevin Boyd]

I've been reading through the posts on this thread, and many of them are quite creative but as I read them I've felt a chill down my spine and an awful feeling of deja vu.... way back in 1996 I used to post regularly on the Kingdom Come Message Board... back then people started to refer to Jonah Weiland as "The Monitor" and started to right funny stories with posters on the board as superheroes in long sequential storylines.... many of them were stories like Crisis on KBMB or Crisis on the CBRMB, etc. Eventually comics talk dwindled and all of the active posters were feverishly devoting their time to nonsensical fan fiction stories with the other board members as participants.

 

When Jonah created the CBR website he gave them a devoted message board for this kind of stuff... last time I looked they were still a thriving section (probably the most active). Most of the stuff makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

 

Side note: Gail Simone was one the most active of these fan fic writers when it first started, as she spun the stuff out constantly and everyone praised her greatness. She then began to write humor columns... eventually going on to get professional work at Marvel and DC writing Deadpool and Gus Beezer... now she's taking over Birds of Prey.

 

Kev

[Zonker]

as I read them I've felt a chill down my spine and an awful feeling of deja vu.... way back in 1996 I used to post regularly on the Kingdom Come Message Board... Eventually comics talk dwindled and all of the active posters were feverishly devoting their time to nonsensical fan fiction stories with the other board members as participants.

 

I wouldn't worry Kev: Apart from Joanna, the rest of us here are just not nearly creative enough for that to be a realistic danger!

[Joanna]

You don't need to worry about me, Kev. This is just a one-time thing.

[Kevin Boyd]

I'm not worried, or bothered really.

 

The situation just seemed really familiar.

 

Kev

[PovertyRow]

You don't need to worry about me, Kev. This is just a one-time thing.

 

There shall be a sequel....because WE DEMAND IT! 'nuff said!

[chromium]

You don't need to worry about me, Kev. This is just a one-time thing.

 

There shall be a sequel....because WE DEMAND IT! 'nuff said!

 

The Boards....Zero Hour ??

[doyle033]

[